DD hit me across the face

[snottagecheese]

So hard that my glasses flew across the room, and it stung for a good 5 minutes afterwards. She is 6.

Just for context: We were at her friend's birthday party and the birthday girl was upset because she wanted to use one of the inflatable microphones that were floating around but there were none free. I suggested to DD (in her ear as the music was quite loud) that since she was eating a bag of crisps, she could hand over the microphone as she had her hands full anyway. She yelled at me to 'stop shouting in her ear' (I wasn't) and some other things (can't remember what - go away, etc), so I took her out into the lobby to talk to her and as we were going out the door caught on her bare foot, so she screamed at me some more and then she clattered me hard across the face.

She is a volatile little girl, it's certainly not the first time she's lashed out, but she's never hit me in the face before and it really shocked and upset me. I know she's feeling wobbly at the moment - she's always up and down emotionally at the start of a new school year and for various reasons particularly so this year. I know she feels bad afterwards, though it takes her a long time to say sorry. She has been prone to outbursts of rage ever since she was tiny, and she's always been very quick to anger . I'm absolutely not soft on her, but neither do I dish out endless punishments because things like banning TV, taking away toys, cancelling play dates etc (or the threat of these things) doesn't work at all. She cannot control or manage her temper, that is a part of her personality, but I am at a loss as to how to deal with it.

I honestly don't know how to deal with the repercussions, like yesterday - I considered taking her away from the party but didn't as her little brother was there having a great time and it wouldn't have been fair on him, but to be honest I don't think this kind of thing would be massively effective in the long term - in the heat of the moment she doesn't care about being punished, and I think she almost wants to be punished because she knows she's behaved badly but can't possibly admit it, but knows a punishment would be justified. I don't think dealing with the fallout of her anger is the answer in the long term, I think the key is to find ways for her to control it at the source, before it explodes into anything. She is only going to get bigger and stronger, and it frightens me to think how this kind of scenario would play out when she's a teenager. I feel teary today, and a bit despairing. Most of the time she's such a lovely girl: sweet, funny, creative, kind - she can be really kind - but her temper is an increasingly significant problem and I don't know what to do about it. Sorry for the long post. If you've got this far, thank you!

I think the root of her violence in this case was that she had too much stimulation..loud music, you talking loudly in her ear, then she hurt her foot. It was all too much and she lashed out.

I think the best and kindest thing for her at that point would have to taken her home.

She probably doesn't lose control at school either because she's not overstimulated, or because she's bottling it up.

Preventing potential triggers (much easier said than done!) and teaching her how to deal with her anger is the way to go, IMHO.

Right, well I apologise for "flouncing out" as someone put it. The problem is that often people who comment on these kinds of posts have no experience of parenting this kind of child - no doubt I'll now be flamed for once more 'making excuses' or enabling her behaviour by implying that DD is special (or that I am) or any number of other things, but the fact is that children are different and some are much harder to parent than others. DS is only 2.5 but he is so different to DD - he's a toddler so of course he has tantrums, but they don't last, they are much more controlled, if you tell him off or not to something, he nearly always listens and stops doing it. If he's done something he shouldn't have, often he says sorry off his own bat. He is the kind of child, with the kind of behaviours, I was expecting to have when I became a parent. To be honest, once he entered childhood as opposed to babyhood, and started doing these things (listening, doing what I asked, not making a fuss about things) I was amazed, because DD was/is always so oppositional.

Perhaps I was (unintentionally) misleading when I talked about discipline/punishment - I don't let her 'get away' with the kind of behaviour I talked about, though yesterday I admit I did in the sense that I didn't take her away from the party. I should have, but quite apart from the fact that I didn't want to spoil it for DS, I was so shocked and blindsided by what she did that I couldn't really think straight. In hindsight of course I should have taken her home. When she behaves like that I would usually straight away say no TV, I'm cancelling the play date you've got coming up, we're not doing XYZ, but the point is that this never stops the rages from happening. That's why I'm more interested in preventing them in the first place rather than dealing with the consequences. I'm sick and tired of punishing her. It's exhausting, and it doesn't work. And when I said in my OP that I don't dish out punishments constantly, what I meant was that I don't punish/discipline for every last time she chucks something across the room or says something rude, because it happens so often. In that case she's sent to her room to calm down. But for bigger things like hitting, I feel as though that's not enough, hence the banning TV etc, which doesn't stop her from behaving similarly a few days down the line. We are in a spiral of ineffective action-response. So the party incident wasn't really the point of this post, but obviously a lot of people fixated on that, so that's probably my fault for not posting a more general post that might have made my point clearer.

I find parties are awful for my DD. Crowds, noise, junk food and uncontrolled behaviour are a bad mix. I try only to go to a very few, thankfully they seem to be dwindling now she's nearly 6.

I think the OP has got some rather harsh replies.

She's posted asking for advice on how to handle her DD in the future, not to be criticised for how has handled situations in the past, which she already feels crap about.

There have been some great books recommended, though - do have a look at them snottagecheese

The problem is that often people who comment on these kinds of posts have no experience of parenting this kind of child

Glad you realise it OP!

I would say that they are more likely to be overstimulated at school than at home but the pressure cooker is a good illustration of how it can 'release' once the child is in a calmer environment or, as in OP's case, is just too overwhelmed with too many sensory experiences at once.

However, OP should still use calming down techniques to help control the anger and consequences for unwanted behaviour such as hitting a parent.

A lot of the responses here is that she has some kind of SN such as autism or ADD. You seem certain she doesn't have any of these issues. Has she been tested? I think if she has and doesn't have SN then the techniques used to manage outbursts should still be relevant. So getting the recommended books is a starting point.

Zero tolerance for throwing things and any violent behaviour is still necessary though.

Could you contact a private child psychologist (you will wait an eternity for NHS services) to get some insight to management and understanding of this behaviour. As you say waiting until she is an out of control teenager is not an option.

And more importantly, thank you for all the constructive responses, Kevin, Lynette, IsItMeOr and others. I'm going to hunt down the books and websites suggested, and I do still wonder about counselling/other intervention. TBH I have wondered since she was quite small whether there is anything else going on other than her just being very volatile. She does exhibit some sensory issues - finding clothes/labels scratchy, terrified of the noise of hand-driers/hairdryers until she was at least 5, getting freaked out if you speak suddenly when she wasn't expecting it... Also she is, as mentioned, very bad at sitting still, is always moving, doing, talking, climbing - obsessively climbing everything she can find, and always wanting to go higher up trees/climbing nets etc, which I think are possible ASD symptoms. I've always talked myself out of going down this route, though, because I end up thinking I'm making something out of nothing/trying to find excuses for her behaviour. But perhaps I'm not, and it's worth exploring.

Now I'm wondering - is it really possible that she might have some kind of ASD? I've never considered it seriously before. She is so 'normal' in her social behaviours, though - she has a good group of friends, makes friends easily, is happy to join in with groups and group activities, chats easily and confidently to adults and children alike...

ASD in girls manifests itself differently in a general way, although that is a generalised statement. I would look into this to see if this fits your DD because gps are often dismissive is you describe a child who can socialise and make eye contact. Help for her now would make a huge difference to all your lives. Private assessment may be your best route.

Have a look at something called pathological demand avoidance

It's a fairly new classification on the autistic spectrum but a lot of parents are having lightbulb moments -especially those that federal a diagnosis of autism is not quite the right fit for their child

Don't know where federal came from?

Feel

On the "punishment" thing, can you make them more natural consequences? So for me, the aggressive slap across the face yesterday would be a sign that she was way overstimulated and out of control, and the natural consequence would be to go home where she can regulate herself. Losing TV or a play date on top of that wouldn't be effective because there's no connection with what she just did. That may well be why they're not working. The natural consequence of throwing something would be that the "something" is removed for a time for everyone's safety. As an example - my DD did something repulsive last week that required a fair bit of cleaning up. We were just about to head out and meet friends so I had to explain to her that I couldn't leave the house in that state and sadly we would have to stay in so I could clean it and that would make us too late to meet with our friends. I managed to hold my temper (inside I wanted to dangle her out a window - it was the culmination of days of "bad" behaviour!) and she had a little wail to herself in her room while I tidied and it was soon forgotten about. But if I had then said "and don't even think about asking to watch TV for the rest of the day!" it would have proved completely ineffective because it had no connection to the "offence".

God I've probably waded into some hated MN namby-pamby parenting territory but after a summer full of cross words, refocusing and doing things this way, taking a breath before I respond etc has transformed her behaviour in the past 10 days. Good luck!

My ds has a type of ASD called pathological demand avoidance.
He explodes at the drop of a hat, is often violent towards me, dh and siblings (if not supervised fully). At school he behaves fine and looks like any other 10 yr old. At home from the outside he looks like a very naughty boy, it's only when you know him well that you can see the difficulties he has.
I'm not saying this is like your dd, just trying to explain that we have the violence issue and have to deal with them regularly.

The thing that helped us most was taking a step back so we could spot triggers and either avoid them, or give more warning and more support.
We also use a book called The Explosive Child, which is fantastic.
We use natural consequences more than manufactured ones (eg. If you swear you lose xyz), because the natural concequences (eg. I can't make you pancakes right now because you're being rough with x) seem to make more sense to him and he can take it on board.

snottage glad you came back .

If you don't think a diagnosis fits, definitely don't worry about it. They are still so young, and changing, it is hard to know what is going on sometimes.

The key thing I assumed you were looking for is tips on how to help your DD with this behaviour. All the books I mentioned are fine for all DC, with or without a diagnosis. Have a read when you're feeling recovered. You had a horrible shock yesterday.

X-posts

If she has sensory issues, but good social skills, this book my be useful;

Too Loud Too Bright Too Fast Too Tight.

You might need to take a really big bag with you to the library at this rate!

some hated MN namby-pamby parenting territory

bunique .

My natural consequence made no sense at all.
What I meant to write was:
I can't make pancakes right now because if you're being too rough with X, I have to stay and supervise.

I also disagree with the poster above who said that children find it more difficult to learn from their parents than from a stranger - speaking purely about a NT child at least, I think they look to their parents first for emotional regulation and if it's not modelled or delivered confidently it can aggravate their behaviour as they feel more out of control. "Unruffled CEO" is apparently what I'm aiming for

Debrowski over-excitabilities are also worth a Google. I have a child who is also overwhelmed by sensory stuff (hand dryers, 'scratchy' clothes etc) and ime they get better as they mature but also you get better at seeing the triggers and working around them.

I just don't take her to things I know will be very noisy and crowded any more, for example. And I have spent large chunks of many parties and baby groups in previous years with her burying her head in my chest and trying to block it all out.

Hi OP
Sounds very similar to my son with ADHD. He cannot keep still (although improving greatly with age and the right medication.)
We have had problems with aggression only really directed at me. My son has found it hard to link consequences to behaviour because he is very impulsive, things happen before he realises.
I too would have taken him home from a party if he had hit me. We have come home early from many many places and it has taken a very very long time of being utterly consistent to see results. Now my son is older he is able to explain better how he gets over stimulate and reacts in haste. He is getting better at controlling himself but at times still takes an enormous effort.
Our zero tolerance to hitting has shifted things a lot. We get verbal aggression now but violence is extremely rare and very half hearted. He is a work in progress.

I agree with spotting triggers. Often on reflection I can see the environment was wrong, too loud etc or I was rushing him and not being as patient as I could.
I am not suggesting for one minute your daughter has ADHD but reading up on some of the strategies that help ADHD kids may help you.

I totally agree with bunique about natural consequences rather than punishments.

You have my sympathy and I totally understand your situation. DS is 4.5 and lashes out at me and dh using physical force. We have a zero tolerance policy towards this with immediate consequences. He hasn't stopped hitting us but there are signs that he is trying hold back or use less force. He is being assessed for asd. He is a bright boy who can be reasoned with but seems to struggle to control the hitting regardless of consequences or reasoning. You aren't a shit parent at all.

First of all I sympathise absolutely with you. My DS hit me once and it was horrible. (My DS now has an Asperger's diagnosis - which is not to say that your DD has that.) Do be kind to yourself; this is not your fault.

I think in the short term, ideally you should have taken her home, despite her brother. For a number of reasons but partly to get her right out of a situation that she was overwhelmed in and she wasn??t handling well. She was possibly showing signs of sensory overload - I'm not saying that she has sensory integration problems but she does sound a bit reactive. Noisy busy parties might not be her best environment. I get that you must have been shocked yourself though!

Unfortunately not all children are able to modify their reactions in the way bunique suggests. For some children in some situations any ??consequences?? are invisible in the heat of the moment ?? they are too agitated to connect cause and effect even unconsciously. (Being in sensory overload can be one of those situations.)

For these children, the really effective strategies are about managing upfront and before the explosion happens. (There is still a place for ??consequences?? but they are not the main strategy.) As greengoose has said The Explosive Chid is a very good starting point. It has a lot of good strategies and it doesn't depend on being diagnosed with anything specific. I used it with my DS and it made a big difference.

Good luck If you feel worried about your DD and think she needs more help then maybe head over to the "special needs - children" board as well. There are quite a few people with experience there.