DD hit me across the face

[snottagecheese]

So hard that my glasses flew across the room, and it stung for a good 5 minutes afterwards. She is 6.

Just for context: We were at her friend's birthday party and the birthday girl was upset because she wanted to use one of the inflatable microphones that were floating around but there were none free. I suggested to DD (in her ear as the music was quite loud) that since she was eating a bag of crisps, she could hand over the microphone as she had her hands full anyway. She yelled at me to 'stop shouting in her ear' (I wasn't) and some other things (can't remember what - go away, etc), so I took her out into the lobby to talk to her and as we were going out the door caught on her bare foot, so she screamed at me some more and then she clattered me hard across the face.

She is a volatile little girl, it's certainly not the first time she's lashed out, but she's never hit me in the face before and it really shocked and upset me. I know she's feeling wobbly at the moment - she's always up and down emotionally at the start of a new school year and for various reasons particularly so this year. I know she feels bad afterwards, though it takes her a long time to say sorry. She has been prone to outbursts of rage ever since she was tiny, and she's always been very quick to anger . I'm absolutely not soft on her, but neither do I dish out endless punishments because things like banning TV, taking away toys, cancelling play dates etc (or the threat of these things) doesn't work at all. She cannot control or manage her temper, that is a part of her personality, but I am at a loss as to how to deal with it.

I honestly don't know how to deal with the repercussions, like yesterday - I considered taking her away from the party but didn't as her little brother was there having a great time and it wouldn't have been fair on him, but to be honest I don't think this kind of thing would be massively effective in the long term - in the heat of the moment she doesn't care about being punished, and I think she almost wants to be punished because she knows she's behaved badly but can't possibly admit it, but knows a punishment would be justified. I don't think dealing with the fallout of her anger is the answer in the long term, I think the key is to find ways for her to control it at the source, before it explodes into anything. She is only going to get bigger and stronger, and it frightens me to think how this kind of scenario would play out when she's a teenager. I feel teary today, and a bit despairing. Most of the time she's such a lovely girl: sweet, funny, creative, kind - she can be really kind - but her temper is an increasingly significant problem and I don't know what to do about it. Sorry for the long post. If you've got this far, thank you!

I don't think anyone is having a go here op but you did ask for opinions/advice. As has been previously said she cannot control her anger but she can be helped to change her response to it.
I think one of the telling statements in your replies is the I am also easily angered......I was never that extreme and would never have dreamed of hitting my parents or anyone else for that matter

Quite possibly because you were taught from an early age that this was unacceptable?

When you start setting boundaries and consequences, it inevitably escalates in the short term - its the consistency and riding out the drama that ensures things improve long term.

This is a good book for handling kids like this.

www.amazon.co.uk/Setting-Limits-Your-Strong-Willed-Child/dp/0761521364

Totally agree romcom, need to remember that myself with my explosive 7 year old. It IS hard to ride it out, hard to remember that it takes them a while to learn and moderate their behaviour, easier just to dismiss it as not working, but I think the key is calm, consistent consequences to bad behaviour.

OP you are doing the same here with your thread as you do with your dd.

You are not dealing with the problem, you are ignoring it. Your dd hits you across the face and there is no consequence for it. You carry on as if nothing has happened.

You start a thread and get responses that you don't like. You ignore it and carry on stick your head in the sand.

Do you see that it is your behaviour that has to change before your dd's will?

Someone said about their child crashing and bashing in time out. DS1 used to do that too, but the rule was he had to do the required number of minutes quietly, stay on the bottom step without getting up/walking off/backchatting etc. he had a few 5 min timeouts which lasted for half an hour or more because the clock restarted every time he started messing around. He very quickly got the message that you do the crime, you do the time & the time is shortened by taking it on the chin rather than raging at the unfairness of it. it gets to the point where the child knows what the consequences are for atrocious behaviour and decides its quicker to just avoid the situation altogether.

Don't go OP - my almost 5 year old has also tried to give me a wallop (and succeeded but never to the face, fortunately!). My initial reactions were total red mist. With a bit of reading and consideration, I now (if I can) block her hand, tell her "I won't let you hit" and if she keeps trying I move her to her room as calmly as I can telling her it's not safe for her to be with other people but she can hit a teddy/pillow/mattress and come back when she's calmed down. Has definitely reduced the incidents - I don't think it's the action but my lack of reaction that's made the difference

I always try to do the "it is fine to feel angry but it is not ok to hit/punch/smack/break anything"

With Ds1 we did calming down techniques (not angry child but gets upset very easily) so breathing and learning to "tamp it down" which was the phrase we used.

The party bit, I would have asked another parent to keep an eye on the Ds and taken your Dd home.

If your daughter is fine in school she has learnt that she can get her way at home by acting out.

She needs to learn to control herself, you can't do that for her.

You can provide the motivation - instant, meaningful consequences. Like leaving a party, no TV for a week etc. Otherwise, why should she bother?

Your dd is 6yrs old. I have a 6yr old child. They can, and are capable of learning to manage their feelings. That's not to say they become experts overnight, or so accomplished they know their trigger points. But learning to say 'I'm getting angry' is a starting point rather than letting it build up so much she hits you.

If you come on asking for advice but refuse to listen to any because it doesn't sit with your preconceived ideas then I'm not surprised you have disengaged.

A 6 year old cannot manage their emotions easily. End off! Therefore YOU must manage them externally until she reaches a stage where she realises she can't get away with her behaviour.

It is appalling you did not remove her. What message does that give her? You basically gave her the green light to carry on with this behaviour.

Stop projecting. Your temper is not the issue here. Disengage your emotional response to her anger and be objective.

You are not giving her boundaries. Are you saying she must Learn to control her emotions? Well she can't clearly. You are opting out of controlling her so what do you expect a GP to do? Medicate her? You will not get NHS counselling unless her problems spiral into a treatable condition, which if you allow her to continue this way, they will. She is basically a manipulative little girl who know which buttons to press. Take control.

I have read with interest as I could have written your OP myself (in fact I did write one earlier this week). I wonder if guilt is playing a role in your struggle OP - because you feel she's inherited the problem from you? I ask because I have had that worry myself. There's lots of good advice on here which I will be following with my volatile DD. Maybe come back and think it over when things are less raw?

snottagecheese first things first. You are NOT a crap parent!! People coming in here and telling you it's all your fault aren't helping and tbh probably have no idea what they are talking about (ie they never had a child THAT volatile)

I second the idea of the GP. dc2 was like this and it turned out he is actually on the spectrum with autism. A friend of mine had similar issue with a then 8yo who welcome with open arms help from a counsellor at school, saying he needed some help (ie he could recognise his reactions were OTT but didn't know what to do about it). Yet another good friend has a child who is extremely anxious and her anxiety was coming out in meltdowns/outbursts of anger.
I found that teaching skills re recognising emotions and handling anxiety/anger are often better done by 'strangers' than a parent. As a parent, it's harder ffor the child to listen iyswim. And unless you've had high anxiety/anger yourself yu probably don't know the tolls that can help. (Well at lleast I know I didn't until I had done A LOT of reading etc...)

The other thing that helped a lot is not to take it personally or to think that the child has crossed a line (like hitting you in the face) as if they are an adult. 6yo is still very young and at that age, children still find it VERY hard to control their emotions when they are strong like this. Her reaction isn't a reflection on you or her character for that matter.

I know what helped a lot is to look for patterns. ie when is she more likely to loose it and then think ahead of how you could react. Think about different possibilities. As you have experienced, I found that punishment doesn't help at all. dc2 wouldn't have been able to hear anything I said. So a NO was a NO and I then waited for his anger to calm down before talking/explaining things to him. I also tried to tell him what he could do instead (eg walk away instead of hitting dc1) but tbf that took years before he wwas able to do that (He did know though he just didn't have that little breathing space to realise and go away before he would errupt).
You are mentioning that she finds the start of the year hard. Why is that and what can you do to help her with that? What aboout other issues going on?

Just a small suggestion, does she ever talk about how she is feeling?

When I use to get upset, I would hold it in and then it would explode out of me as rage, even though I was maybe sad/upset rather than angry. The thing that eventually helped me was meeting DH, who has AS, and being forced to actually tell him how I felt because he couldn't interrupt my feeling at all.

When DD gets frustrated we try and tell her to "use her words", sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't.

I find it really hard to talk about how I'm feeling and sometimes I just need some alone time to work out my feelings and then talk about them later.

Maybe your DD is feeling similarly? Maybe she can't handle her feelings and they just come out as anger.

I hope you find a solution to helping you and your DD.

A second recommendation for The Explosive Child.

There is a related website with extra resources.

6yo DS behaves like this. For him, its linked with his autism. However, lots of kids behave in these ways for many different reasons - you mention that she has had a lot going on this year which has impacted on her.

The Explosive Child book is based on an understanding of children's behaviour which I think you will find very compatible with your instincts. It also has a concrete method to use.

The other thing I would recommend considering is Lovebombing and of course the MNet classic How to Talk So Kids Listen.

Good luck OP. Do take DD to your GP and ask for a referral to rule out any underlying health conditions if you are worried about that.

Snake how is removing her from the party a way to help her handling her emotions? Can you explain that to me?

Because for me leaving the party is a punishment (and an even bigger one for her little brother who hadnt done anything at all) but there is teaching there is there?

PS Be very kind and gentle with yourself OP.

One of my very lowest points with DS was the day he kicked me in the face. It is horrible and not what I ever thought I was signing on for when we became parents.

You have done nothing wrong. Your DD is clearly struggling and you are clearly doing your best to figure out how to help her.

We also did all the consequences, reward charts, etc a la supernanny and some of the posters here. They don't work in that format for some children, including DS. They just escalated the situation into physical violence when it wasn't already there. You can try it and see whether your DD responds. But you don't have to - it isn't the law. There is no reason to think that the methods in any of the books I have referenced will do any harm, and none of them subscribe to that approach.

We do use much more sophisticated motivational tools with DS now, with much greater success. Some of the parents on this thread would probably think we are soft and indulgent. However, it is all done on the advice of a hugely experienced NHS consultant specialised in child neurodevelopment and NHS Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services, and entirely fits with the approach being taken in his mainstream state school.

Kevin I guess removing her from the party might be the right thing to do if the problem is that it is more than she is equipped to cope with, and that is what is causing the extreme outburst.

But I don't think that is where snake is coming from.

My son can get very angry and lash out but we have had success with mindfulness and using the book "Angry Octopus". It's helped him to take charge of his emotions, regulate his anger and most importantly to realise how to regain control once the anger starts to bubble. I got it on amazon - may be a useful tool for her and for you too.

If it is an inherited, uncontrollable rage, how come she is fine at school?

Yes if the reaction is coming from a sense of overwhelm then it could make sense.
But my first reaction wouild be the find a quiet spot for her to calm down with me. To then discuss what is going on and see what could work.

I would also be very careful to see what is the big picture there. eg was she very hungry and more likely to kick off? Was she getting bored? Was there another child annoying her for a while, one that had tried to take said object out of her hands or maybe no one wanted to share with her in the first place?
With dc2, noise and the sheer number of people would have been a trigger in which case, leaving would then be an option. But the thing was that he still woud have taken that as a punishment because he also wanted to be at the party....

Fair because a lot of children botlle things up at school just to go into meltdown when they are at home.
This is far from unusual and has NOTHING to do with parenting.

It does show that there is hope for OP though doesn't it. That's it's not some inherited condition that can't be managed?

It doesn't mean they are not angry though. or that their anger is controllable.
The best decsription is the pressure cooker. From the outside everythiing looks ok and 'controlled'. Except that the pressure outside is still very high.
When they come back home, the slightest thing make the pressure cooker explode when for other people/children coming back home means a time when the presusre can come down (that's when the anger is controlled).
These chiildren don't know how to reduce the pressure apart from blowing up.

Kevin Yes, I found that persisting in getting DS to sit with me in a quieter spot was (eventually!) an effective way for enabling him to dial his behaviour (and presumably his own sense of overwhelm) down so that he was able to participate in a party without impacting the other children's enjoyment.

But I'm still on a very steep learning curve! It can often feel like I am still following him around a party, seeing that he is pinging from one place to the next, and struggling to know how best to intervene so that it will be okay for him and everyone else.

Fair of course there is hope. The fact that it is biological and inherited is not incompatible with it being manageable. But it does mean that the support and time it will take to learn ways to manage that will be a lot for both the parents and the child.