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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

My nanny verbally abused me

40 replies

Pat2006 · 21/08/2015 17:45

My current FT live-in nanny is looking after our only baby (8months), and she is good in general. But last week, she repeated asking me if I lied to her about my baby's dummy usage and made me very angry.

In a 20mins conversation, she repeated 3 times that 'xxx, can you don't lie to me, did you give dummy to the baby while I am not here'...I felt this is very hurtful given a) this is the 2nd time she talked to me in this manner; and b) I have no intention to hide anything about my baby's dummy usage from her - why should I?! She knew that I hated dummy and we have posted a 'Limited Dummy Rule' on the wall for over 4 months now, so that everyone has to follow and help the baby to eventually quit dummy.

The reason she 'grilled' me in this abusive manner, was simply she thought my baby acted 'differently' from the previous week, and then she decided we must have given dummys to the baby all day long while she is not around!!

She is a very moody person in her late 40's, and shouted to me once for a minor miscommunication matter. For the sake of my baby, I tolerated her behavior. But I cried while she was not around...I can not get ride of her for now as I have a big work deadline in the coming weeks, but in the meanwhile, I am very angry and do not even want to look at her. What should I do to cope with this a few weeks?? I also worried if I fight back, she would do something bad to my baby or to our home (stealing etc.)

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Paddingtonthebear · 21/08/2015 17:52

I wouldn't call that verbal abuse

However, shouting and dictating is not on, she works for you and you make the decisions. I would give her her notice if she cannot communicate in a professional manner

FeelTheNoise · 21/08/2015 17:54

It sounds as if she spoke to you as if she is in charge of your baby I certainly wouldn't take that from anyone....

YesIleftthebastard · 21/08/2015 17:57

You have options

Give Nanny the sack

2 Put child in nursery

Stay at home and look after your own child
Stop being so precious and silly.

overthemill · 21/08/2015 17:58

Are you in the UK? How did you recruit her? What are her terms and conditions?

Penfold007 · 21/08/2015 17:59

You may need to decide which is more important baby or work commitment. I would give her notice to quit and get on to a good agency immediately. They may even be able to get a temporary Nanny.

PUGaLUGS · 21/08/2015 17:59

What YesI said!

LynetteScavo · 21/08/2015 18:05

She sounds like a very experienced nanny who is used to being in charge of everything.

I wouldn't say she has verbally abused you.

I also don't think she would do anything bad to your baby or home if you told her you didn't appreciate being spoken to like that.

I think long term you have a personality clash. Do you have a settling in period, or has that passed. If it's not working out, you need to sit down with the nanny and talk things through.....what you can both do, and if it's mutually best if the nanny leaves. After all nobody wants a very moody person working for them.

Noidea1 · 21/08/2015 18:07

It's your child so surely you just tell her you decide dummy use

Original poster

Pat2006 · 21/08/2015 18:10

Thanks for quick responses.

-- I have changed my work to PT due to my baby's arrival.
-- And I cannot quit now from a big contract delivery as this would cause $$$$$ loss to the company - I simply just cannot do this to them. Would you do this to your employer?!
-- I will give her notice after I delivery this contract.

But my question really is - how should I cope with the situation before we get ride of her?

OP posts:

scatterthenuns · 21/08/2015 18:10

That isn't abusive.

Penfold007 · 21/08/2015 18:13

Can you sit down and talk to her? If not I really would be looking at a temporary nanny.

LynetteScavo · 21/08/2015 18:18

I think you need to sit down with her and calmly explain you didn't like the way she spoke to you. Look her in the eye. Be firm. Say you appreciate that she has the best interests of you baby at heart, and bring up any positive things she does, with your baby.

You need to get through the next few weeks as smoothly as you can, so be positive, friendly but firm, but above all keep communicating with your nanny. Lack of eye contact isn't the way to go.

I suspect you might be happier with your baby at a nursery.

ffffffedup · 21/08/2015 18:24

You don't like this woman and feel uncomfortable with her around yet you leave her in charge of your baby. Get a grip of yourself forget work sack the nanny and put your baby 1st, work should never ever come before the safety of your child.

Haffdonga · 21/08/2015 18:24

Weird but not verbal abuse.

Why would either you or she think this was a normal way for an employee to speak to an employer? You sound quite intimidated by her (experienced nanny vs new mum?)

Sit her down. Agree dummy use and tell her you're uncomfortable about the way she quizzed you. Tell her you wont ever lie to her but in return you expect her not to talk to you as if you're a naughty child. (Then she has fair warning if you decide you can't get along.)

LynetteScavo · 21/08/2015 18:29

Ah, just re-read OP and realised she's full time live in, but you work PT. Awkward!

You really need to have a nanny you are on friendly terms with, as you realise. Would you prefer a young nanny, if nursery wouldn't be the answer?

Why did you decide to employ this nanny? (Just curious/nosey, you don't have to explain that )

ohlittlepea · 22/08/2015 06:50

6-9 months is a key time for developing secure attachment, changing Nanny if you have otherwise been happy with her at this time could be very tough on your baby. Alternatively if you feel strongly that she isn't the right person of course it's what you.need to.do. it sounds as though you may struggle finding assertive responses when people question or criticise you, in that case I wholeheartedly recommend the feeling good handbook by Dr David burns (don't be put off by the terrible cover) it has brilliant techniques for managing these kind of difficult conversations.

ElderlyKoreanLady · 22/08/2015 07:19

She hasn't verbally abused you. She's been disrespectful to you, both as her employer and as your DC's parent.

But that's sort of by the by. Why are you putting a work commitment first when you seem to have concerns that the nanny will harm your child?

mathanxiety · 22/08/2015 07:32

It seems as if this nanny has decided that she is in charge, perhaps due to her personality and perhaps because she is there FT and you are there PT.

If you have concerns about the nanny's treatment of the baby, get a nanny cam. If not, just hang tight until your big work thing is over and try not to let yourself get too upset.

Meanwhile, sit down and think about ideal qualities you would like to see in a nanny and qualities you do not want, talk with an agency and have someone ready to replace her asap. I do not think you mentioned concerns about the baby's welfare, so you can take enough time to get the right person.

amarmai · 26/08/2015 13:05

Sounds like the nanny is trying to establish dominance over you and not subtly either. A nanny cam will help you to know if you can trust her and if you can continue with your work commitment . You can explore alternatives and take action when you have your ducks in a row.

JenesuispasJeffrey · 26/08/2015 13:15

This is not abuse and I'm afraid you come across as a bit precious/weak in calling it this.

What she is being is rude and controlling, she has overstepped the boundaries and I personally would not trust someone who behaved in this way to look after my child - if she disregards your role as mother and boss, what other things will she disregard?

Re not letting work down, their '$$$$' are infinitely less important than your child's wellbeing and your home life. You need to step up and put yourself and your child first.

I say this as a FT working mum and employer of live in nannies, I would drop work like a hot potato to deal with this personally.

tomatodizzymum · 26/08/2015 13:22

I going out on a limb here because I think you are the nanny, am I right? If so, she cannot speak to like this and calmly ask her to be more respectful with her tone towards you.

If indeed, you are the mother, which would be a very odd scenario but anything is possible I guess, then the same rule applies. I would make it very clear, in a very strong tone of voice that you don't lie and don't appreciate being spoken to like that.

GraysAnalogy · 26/08/2015 13:23

THE dummy. Not 'dummy'.

mabythesea · 26/08/2015 13:27

As others have said, it isn't verbal abuse.

However, it isn't up to the nanny how often you give the baby a dummy, and she shouldn't have spoken to you like that. Given her a verbal warning about her behaviour at work.

Your nanny is moody, and you fear she might do something bad to your baby if you speak to her? Not sure how you can leave your baby with her at all.

I'd look for a new childcare set up. Can the baby's dad take some time off to sort it out?

Alternatively sack her and get a temp nanny in until you have a chance to recruit someone long term.

BoffinMum · 26/08/2015 13:28

She sounds like a miserable cow and impossible to work with. I would give her marching orders and hire someone you get along with better. Worth taking time off work for.

Part of being a childcare professional is working effectively with parents. She has failed here.

BoffinMum · 26/08/2015 13:30

Ring a top agency for a temp for a couple of weeks while you hire someone suitable, maybe from them as well.

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