I HATE people who give in to their kids screaming!

[eastendgirl]

I have a friend who has a 3 year old who always ends up giving in to his screaming, she will say at the beginning "no, no, you cannot have that" and will end up giving him a biscuit, or lots of attention, or a cuddlle. Why cannot some women bear to let their children cry and scream? My friend says that he screams and shouts because it is his character, and that he is not able to stop by himself. I think he does because it is in his interest to do so and he hasn't learnt to control himself because she always butts in, and doing so is fostering dependency. I am seeing her less and less these days because we cannot have a conversation without him butting in. Let them cry I say, so they learn to control themselves and become more independent. Anyone wants to join in?

I agree with you. If you're not consistent you are making a rod for your own back IMHO. Painful at the outset but you will reap the rewards.

um

disagree

perfectly ok for 3 yo to be dependant

or want attention

or a cuddle

in fact its good

don't think a 3 yo should be able to control themselves necessarily

think kids learn self control and disclipine by being given the opporuntiy to develop it for themselves, not by having it forced on them. you can't teach these things.

Fine to cuddle a three year old.

Fine for them to be dependent.

Not fine to say "no" and then say "yes" because they are screaming.

Depends if they are genuinely miserable or tantrumming because they know it works.

mmm, 3 year old need to learn to be independent, otherwise how can they manage the separation from their parents at nursery school? The ds of my friend is in fact still very unhappy at nursery school, lots of screaming there as well.

And it depends what they want!!!!

I think it depends

sometimes I say no and then yes because the screaming has made me realise that my kids really care about whatever it is

usually when my kids are screaming there has been some kind of breakdown in communication anyway, tbh.

Sorry - being inconsistent by saying no, no then oh ok then is sending out mixed signals and confusing the child. Of course all children should be cuddled and loved and given lot's of attention, but giving it for demanding and rude behaviour???? I don't think so - children crave boundries, it helps them so much and gives them security. I'm with eastendgirl here, you have to remember your not rasing a child, your raising a well adjusted, confident, considerate and loving adult (well trying to anyhow )

You can be a cuddly parent AND set boundaries.
No point saying no and then saying yes
Consistent, kind discipline is as important as affection if you ask me, but you really need both

eh?

I think

a. if he feels secure and listened to he will cope better with nursery

and

b. if he feels that strongly about nursery, then, if possible, she should reconsider sending him. If possible. I know its not possible or desirable for everyone. But his feelings should be consdiered.

I agree that children crave boundaries too Jam77

Of course it is fine to cuddle and play etc, I intend to carry on with my ds forever and ever doing this. But it is not fine for a child to rule by screaming, shouting, tantrumming etc; that sort of behaviour is not acceptable and very annoying. Kids like that end up havng very few friends because nobody wants them round because they don't allow you to have adult conversations.

Me too. I mentioned on another thread how my 5 year old, who was tired after a long day of school yesterday had a MASSIVE temper tantrum because I asked her to get her rubbish out the car, you couldnt see the carpet or the seat for the amount of books/crap/crisp packets.
She went beserk. And the neighbours put thier bin out early to come and see what the noise was about.
But I wouldnt let her go and insisted she tidy the car before we went in the house.
She screamed and stropped for 10 minutes out on the street and DP was at the front door saying bring her inside....
ER NO..sorry, but that would have gave her the idea that if she makes a huge fuss and digs her heels in and screams and makes a right arse of me than she wont have to tidy up after herself.
The cars lovely and tidy now.
She realised I wasnt budging and she was going to have to do it.

I was thinking about the biscuit thing.

refusing to give in to a tantrum is not the same as setting consistant boundries imo

my kids have boundries. Plenty of them

but if they are upset enough to start screaming, then yes, I pay attention. They are clearly very upset about something and, just as with anyone else, if they are clearly very upset then I want to sort this out.

they don't tantrum much. Really not much. Even dd who was a pretty screamy baby, and gets worked up very easily, seldom descends into a tantrum.

Over-disciplining is not good either though
It's like all these things, there is a happy medium

I think he screams because he gets stressed because he lives in a world with no boundaries, and he is not sure where he stands. NO is no. What does he scream for? Because he does not want to go to Sainsbury but he wants to the park. So she stops the trip to Sainsbury and takes him to the park. He screams because there are no biscuits in the house, and off she goes to buy some. He screams because he wants to watch telly, and on the telly goes with a biscuit and a cuddle. He screams because he does not want her to talk to me and wants her to play with him, and off she goes to play with him. Why do people accept this from anybody is beyond me!

Quite right howfillyfonk, I also think that unless you have born that child and looked after them every day (and NIGHT) we aren't really in a position to judge. Who knows what the poor woman goes through every waking hour?

Before I had my DD I used to say Oh I won't EVER put my baby in our bed. Yeah right! At 4am when faced with the choice of walking the hallway for 2 hours or just to tuck baby in bed with us and get some kip sharpish. I did a quick U TURN. My opinion on co-sleeping suddenly got a little more liberal. Same with biscuits, my baby will NEVER have biscuits or crisps! Yeah right! As if I would now ever face food shopping without a snack for the little one.

It is amazing how our views change when we actually have a child and/or if we have a good child and then have a not so good one! That's why we should try not to judge because we just don't know what is around the corner for us.

Well done charlie!! don't you just love those nosy neighbours lol, I cuddle my lo so much and make sure she feels loved and secure, bluejelly is right you can be a loving and kind parent and set boundries and encourage independence. Children can be confident, independent and still know that they can depend on their parents for anything if they need to.

I also think that, at the moment when a child is screaming and tantruming, they most need reassurance and so forth.

not to be punished or ignored for expressing strong emotions

I just hate other people full stop no matter how they parent their kids
oh yes and I hate other kids even more than I hate other grown up people.
There I said it "I am a people hater"

oh im a bit slow, there were only 3 messages when i started writing that. The threads moved on since! oopsy!

oh now I do like "fillyfonk"

I don't mind the kids tantrumming, i think it is perfectly normal, what I mind is that they get their way when they tantrum. Some kids don't tantrum much anyway because the parents are there indulging every whim so that the tantrum does not occurr.

Filly, ds2 doesn't have tantrums as such, but if pushed says in a threatening voice, "I'm melting!"
Of course, if I ignored that he'd tantrum, but I don't.