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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

DD drawn to naughty children

54 replies

MrsWhirling · 13/06/2015 17:04

I would really appreciate some advice how to deal with my DD7. She is clever, confident and an extrovert. This school year we have been plagued by issues which centre around her friendship with a child at school. This child is disruptive and I have been told known for being badly behaved. I have just had a progress meeting with teachers at a dance school DD attends during which they spoke about DD's friendship with a child there who is disruptive. It seems my DD is not very good at picking friends. How can I help her with this ? Thanks x

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

longlistofexlovers · 15/06/2015 13:31

God, I hate it when posters throw their toys out the pram when they do not get the response they are expecting.

DixieNormas · 15/06/2015 13:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stclair · 15/06/2015 13:45

I feel your pain, op. My dd (5) is best friends with the most disruptive child in the school it seems! My dd is normally quite quiet and a bit shy but has been frequently in trouble in class since befriending this girl (who started two terms ago not knowing anyone). I've decided dd must be a follower and is currently following the wrong person. Hopefully this will change soon. They aren't allowed to spend time together in class but once in the playground are like magnets.

Original poster

MrsWhirling · 15/06/2015 14:05

DITTO stclair. Thank you.

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsWhirling · 15/06/2015 14:06

Oohs floggingmolly, get you!! LOL.

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 15/06/2015 14:12

Perhaps the other parents are also wondering why their child always finds the badly behaved one.

Original poster

MrsWhirling · 15/06/2015 14:17

SoupDragon, I am told they have social services helping them to deal with their child's abnormally controlling behaviour.

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cosmicglittergirl · 15/06/2015 14:39

I think eggs advice is good, there is a limit to what you can 'do' about relationships at school.
Have you asked your DD what she looks for in a friend? Does she say why she likes this child?
Does she recognise the other child's behaviour as unacceptable?
Could you invite this child over and see how she is in your home?

Original poster

MrsWhirling · 15/06/2015 15:10

That's interesting comicglittergirl as we were just discussing with DH at the weekend a play date to see for ourselves. X

OP posts:

Atenco · 15/06/2015 15:11

Don't ask people for advice and tell them to shut up when said advice doesn't suit you. Not behind the door in the nasty behaviour stakes yourself, it seems

I just saw your "shut up" and then read what Adventure said, and I am totally shocked at your response.

You cannot pick your dd's friends, OP. You can only guide her behaviour and her principles.

The naughtiest child in my dd's primary school was also the most lovable and the only one out of them all who went on to university.

AdventureBe · 15/06/2015 15:13

I thought it was more than one badly behaved child your DD was drawn to MrsWhirling? At different places?

If you are interested in helping your DD, I do think children's friendships come about through similar values, the same as adults. I see it in school, at Guides and at the sports club where I coach.

If a child is uncomfortable because they know it's rude to be giggling and chatting while the leader is talking, then they don't want to be part of a group that does that. If they don't find it funny to be cruel to the fat kid who can't run, they don't want to be friends with children who do.

I have learned, through a couple of very difficult spells with DS1's behaviour that when I step up, put my back into parenting and take responsibility for my children's behaviour, things improve pretty quickly.

Original poster

MrsWhirling · 15/06/2015 15:40

It wasn't advise I was getting Atenco.

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Spydra · 15/06/2015 16:29

Why DON'T you want your daughter spending time with these friends, or choosing these friends?

If they're not a bad influence on her at all, as you sayu, maybe she's a GOOD influence on them.

Why do you think her friendship choices are unwise?

cosmicglittergirl · 15/06/2015 17:15

Well maybe a play date will allow you to see for yourself and if there's something you see that you want to discuss, there will be examples to draw on. Who knows, this could be really helpful to both children.

Ragusa · 15/06/2015 18:23

Controlling behaviours are quite unusual in kids and can be a sign of SEN or attachment difficulties.

Telling people to shut up is going to make people think it's your child/ parenting that's at fault. If you talk like this to people in real life then you are setting pretty questionable examples to your child about relationships. You can tell your DD all you like to choose good friendships but if you relate to people like that yourself you might as well not bother trying to influence her choice of friends ....

Original poster

MrsWhirling · 15/06/2015 19:23

Ragusa, thanks but if you read the thread you will see the hostile behaviour started wY before I told her to shut up. A lot of people joined this thread to tell me from the off this my my issue/fault. I asked for advice but hostility.

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Ragusa · 15/06/2015 19:35

I read the thread in its entirety before posting.

I don't buy the "poor me, nest of vipers" stuff.
You were uneccesarily, over-the-top rude. If this is how you relate to people generallythe your DD's biggest problem is not her friends, but the example you're setting.

Are you very strict with her? If so, then again, look to yourself as to why she gravitates toward rule-breakers.

longlistofexlovers · 15/06/2015 19:36

A lot of people joined this thread to tell me from the off this my my issue/fault.

But it is.

momtothree · 15/06/2015 19:46

Depends on DD age? You can influence their friends when younger and invite different kids round. It maybe on the outside the child is exciting, but she cant see exciting on a quieter child ... when she hasnt made to effort to scratch the surface?? I read your post perfectly and can see you`re not blaming the child but want to help your DD as someone who sees the bigger picture. Guilty be association.

BuildYourOwnSnowman · 15/06/2015 20:09

Well I understand what you are asking but I still think it is not about trying to change who she makes friends with but to look at how she chooses to behave within her current friendship group

Being able to stand up for yourself in a friendship group is an important skill to have and it sounds like this friendship is enabling her to do this.

However, you haven't said if she is a 'one friend' type or a 'many friend' type. If the former, I see nothing wrong in encouraging her to widen her friendship group. If the latter, are the rest of her group 'naughty'.

On another note, perhaps your dd is showing her kindness by forming friendships with the kids who find it hard to.

Original poster

MrsWhirling · 15/06/2015 20:13

longlistofexlovers and Ragusa: It's easy being bitchy and snidey on the net isn't it? Luckily for me, it's water off a ducks back. Next time I post keep your useless advice to yourselves. ta.

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longlistofexlovers · 15/06/2015 20:14

Next time I post keep your useless advice to yourselves. ta.

Not the way MN works, unfortunately for you.

AdventureBe · 15/06/2015 20:14

This is getting funnier and funnier and must surely be a reverse?

Ragusa · 15/06/2015 20:15

Ok...good luck!

Tillytoes14 · 15/06/2015 21:42

I agree that you can't choose who your children are friends with, your daughter needs to make those choices and her only. My son plays occasionally with a boy at school, he plays 18 rated games, knows a lot about drugs, gay/lesbian etc, he's told my son things I never thought he'd hear until he was older. However, I don't tell him not to be friends with him, it wouldn't be fair, I simply answer all the questions honestly that he brings home and allow him to make his own choices about friendships, but he also plays with one of the very mature and sensible boys a lot too, who he classes as his best friend. I wouldn't worry and just let your daughter choose who she wants to play with.

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