Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

This is so hard to say...

31 replies

rottenmummy · 13/11/2006 13:20

I have two DDs aged 4 and 2. My eldest has always been "spirited" but I find it so hard to like her. That sounds so hard and horrible but I just find myself at my wits end with her all the time. I basically just find her annoying. I suppose she has the traits that most 4 yr olds have but I just can't seem to get my head around them. I feel like I have tried everything but now I find I just lose it and end up sending her to her room or far worse smacking her. She is miserable and moody, twisty and nasty to her little sister, awkward at mealtimes... I wish I could find a way of calming myself down. The latest is that she seems a bit hard of hearing. She has been to the hospital for a test which was fine. She is often full of cold and bunged up which I think affects her ears. I am taking her to the docs again tomorrow but I am sure she has selective hearing. Sorry for the terrible long ramble. I know I sound so heartless but I dread getting her from school for all the battles to commence again.

OP posts:

totaleclipse · 13/11/2006 13:26

Have you spoken to your Health Visitor about how you are feeling?

HuwEdwards · 13/11/2006 13:29

I think you need to make yourself have some 1-2-1 time with her.

I really believe, esp at that age that our childrens' behaviour is a reflection of how we treat them.

Farm your DD2 off for the day and do some stuff with DD1 - you owe it to her.

Original poster

rottenmummy · 13/11/2006 13:29

Not recently. I did talk to my health visitor a lot when she was smaller as I really found her hard work.

OP posts:

welshmum · 13/11/2006 13:31

I've got a four year old dd too and they can be 'trying' to say the least. She's got a brother she's more than capable of annoying if she thinks too much attention is going his way.
Have you anything that you really like doing together? Have you got a dp who could take over care of the little one and let you draw princesses together or watch a bit of Strictly Come Dancing? These times with my dd really help us both when we're stressing each other out.
On the bunged up bit - does she eat alot of dairy? might be worth reducing it a bit and seeing if that helps.
And with the discipline could you think of a more positive way of dealing with her? Sending her to her room might not be the best idea, it might turn it into somewhere she doesn't ever want to go of her own accord. Could you put her on the stairs away from others for 4 minutes? I think you know smacking is not the answer, sometimes hard to avoid if they're driving you to the edge but once you've smacked them then you've lost control of the situation. COuld you walk away to another room and then deal with the issue when you've calmed down.
You have my sympathy it's a mightmare when they seem to spend so much time being 'challenging'.

Original poster

rottenmummy · 13/11/2006 13:32

The bizarre thing is that I spend an awful lot of time with her. This weekend we went off to a show through the day. The other weekend her and I went off shopping then for juice and biscuit. Yesterday we nipped out to get a new party outfit for her. It just never seems enough for her. She wants to do and go everywhere with me. I can't believe I sound so hard.

OP posts:

Mumpbump · 13/11/2006 13:35

My dsd used to drive me up the wall when I first met her at the age of 5. She was quite spoilt and very wilful. She also had glue ear and had had an operation before I met her - age 3 or 4, maybe??

At the age of 9, she is no longer spoilt, is still quite wilful and, despite randomly deciding to be "difficult" from time to time, is mostly helpful. But overall, I like her a lot more now, so just remember that it is probably a phase that your eldest is going through. The risk is that if you label her a problem, it will probably be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Expect the worst and she will have no reason to try to please you...

HuwEdwards · 13/11/2006 13:37

sorry - just re-read my post and it sounds harsh.

You're not awful - you're posting which means you're obv concerned about her.

Are the pressure points just when DD2 is about - I mean does she get your goat when it's just the 2 of you?

welshmum · 13/11/2006 13:37

That sounds pretty familiar. I think they need us alot at this stage, especially if they've just started school. I think they're thinking hard about the way families work eg.what does mum do all day when I'm at school? is she with my brother/sister? when do I get my turn? am I still her little girl even though I'm at school now and so on
What time do they go to bed? Can you get some time to yourself then and do some stuff that you enjoy?

Original poster

rottenmummy · 13/11/2006 13:41

Hi Welshmum. She normally goes to bed at 7.30 but often trails up and down the stairs with various things she needs to tell me. Last night I was shattered and she didn't eventually go to bed until 8.30ish by which time I was using a "loud" voice when asking her to go to bed. I sound like such a moaning minnie. I agree that I must try hard not to label her. I am just finding it so hard to break the cycle.

OP posts:

Original poster

rottenmummy · 13/11/2006 13:45

HuwEdwards. I find her aggravating even when it is just the two of us. She really is demanding. I seem to have had a sense of humour bypass as some of the annoying stuff is really quite laughable but I just don't think it's funny anymore.

OP posts:

fruitful · 13/11/2006 13:46

Ooh sympathy. I have a 4-yr-old dd too.

Grit your teeth and keeping thinking "it will pass"!

A tip I read on here somewhere, is to pretend that she is not annoying you, and act accordingly. Pretend you're acting Perfect Mummy in a play. It stops you focusing on her and how irritating she is being!

Original poster

rottenmummy · 13/11/2006 13:49

Thanks fruitful. I have never heard that tip before and will be starring in the Perfect Mummy performance this evening! I remember someone else suggesting I should do a sticker chart for myself to reward myself for not shouting which was also good for a while.

OP posts:

Mumpbump · 13/11/2006 13:50

Can you have a break from her and your other dd? Did you say you have an ex? Can your dc stay with him for a week to give you a bit of space?

If it's any consolation, my dsc were irritating the cr*p out of dh at the weekend and I ended up taking them out for a long walk so he could have some space. (Although I find them quite tiring as they both talk at once and it is exhausting trying to keep us two conversations going...) But I did insist on going food shopping by myself when dh said asked who wanted to go shopping with me so I could have some space.

Jaynerae · 13/11/2006 13:52

My DD is 3 and she is very 'challenging'. I started to notice her mirroring my actions - shouting, getting angry etc and told myself this has to stop - I am not enjoying being with her because everything is a constant battle. I decided I had to stop getting frustrated and angry. I have given her some jobs to do and she absolutely loves helping - I sort the washing out and put it on the floor by the machine and ask her to help mummy by putting it in. I put a cup of powder on the worktop and the comfort in the lid and ask her to put those in the drawer and then shut it and push the button. I praise her like mad - even if she has spilt a little and she loves it. Dinner time, I get her to lay the table - if we are having sandwhiches I put her bread on a plate , with a bit of marg and whatever she is having with it and give her a toddler knife and she makes her own sandwhich - she is more likely to eat then aswell! DS is 7 and she is very jealous of him - she wants me with her all the time, I make time for her sit on the floor and get her dolls out and play - I do spend a lot of 1-1 time with her - and she is still challenging. The main point is to calm yourself down. I have done this by going to bed earlier - getting more sleep - getting up earlier so things are not rushed - she is worse If I am in a hurry - she picks up on my stress. I also learnt meditation and do this for 10 minutes when I can feel things boiling! She wont change until you do - they do react to how we are, so look at what you can change about you and what you do and she will naturally follow suit - a leasson I learnt myself. Good luck

Original poster

rottenmummy · 13/11/2006 13:54

Hi Mumpbump - I don't have an ex but I know what you mean about getting a bit of space. In fact, I rant to my DH the whole time about the fact that I don't get much me time apart from if I go food shopping in the dead of night! The thought of having a week off is bliss. Sadly, we are those unfortunates with no family near which can also add another little twist when things feel hard.

OP posts:

ComeOVeneer · 13/11/2006 13:58

I can really sympathise. I have a ds who is aproaching 2 he is cuteand cheeky and a joy to be around (he does have a temper but it is short and sharp, over in lessthan a couple of minutes). DD on the other hand is just approaching 5 and is opinionated, whiney and demanding (although can be very sweet and loving if she feels like itwhih these days isn't very often). SO although I love both of them dearly I am currenly finding I like spending time withds more and was very please today was Monday and could send dd to school.

Original poster

rottenmummy · 13/11/2006 13:59

Jaynerae - you are dead right. Yesterday she was very helpful when I set her little tasks. She even makes me close my eyes when she has tidied up and then makes me open them and says "surprise"! I know she can be great and I must focus more on those aspects and really try to ignore the other bits.

OP posts:

Mumpbump · 13/11/2006 13:59

Well, one thing we do (which we copied from some close friend) is to take it in turn getting up with our ds (9mo) at the weekend. Our friends have a 5 and 6 year old and still they do this now so that we/they get a lie-in and some time to themselves at least once a week.

Otherwise, just tell your dh you need some space and leave him to it... I go for a walk by the local lakes sometimes and it takes about 1.5 hours, which isn't too long, but is just enough for me to feel like I've had a bit of a break...

fennel · 13/11/2006 14:03

I do sympathise. Sometimes I feel like this about my dd2, who's just 5. Over the summer holidays she was driving me (and DP) crazy, and it doesn't help that her older and younger sister are very easygoing which makes her behaviour stick out as the "problem" one. (we have toyed with the idea of renaming the naughty step "dd2's step" as she's the only one who ever goes there)

We have found that we have to keep making an effort to value her good points (and dd2 has many strengths her easygoing sisters lack, so it's not too hard once we change our way of thinking about her) and keep telling her how special she is. and to reward her good behaviour (but not the bad behaviour) with extra trips out, and extra attention.

sandyballs · 13/11/2006 14:10

Lots of sympathy as I also have two girls, one of whom is very laid back and easy going and therefore easy to get along with. The other is, and always has been, much more of a challenge and we do clash. She is 5. I do find myself labelling her as the "challenging" one which doesn't do anyone any good really.

MrsDoolittle · 13/11/2006 14:10

Is that the middle child syndrome do you think?

fortyplus · 13/11/2006 14:14

I think we all tend to expect more from our first born. Maybe her hearing problem explains some of her behaviour?
Also - she can't read your mind. As long as you act the perfect mummy she will respond accordingly. I still find it easier to be warm to ds2 - I don't love him any more than ds1 - it's just different.

Original poster

rottenmummy · 13/11/2006 14:14

Sandyballs. I know what you mean about the labelling. It isn't constructive and I don't want her to grow up feeling she had different treatment from her sister. I really hope this is a phase... any idea when I can expect it to pass?!

OP posts:

blueshoes · 13/11/2006 14:19

hi rottenmummy, sorry to hear you are having ah time with dd1. As a mother of a challenging dd, it is so frustrating. Why is everything such a struggle? Apart from chanting "this too shall pass", I do believe, like fennel, that our spirited daughters have a lot of traits that would stand them in good stead when they are adults.

Although not easy to parent, they don't let us sit on our laurels or let us feel smug. They force us to sharpen our parenting skills in a way that laid back children do not. It is a change of mindset. In your heart of hearts, you do love her to bits.

fortyplus · 13/11/2006 14:22

It never passes completely - but that doesn't mean that a 'different' feeling is bad - you just have to work at it. ds1 is nearly 13 and ds2 is 11 - ds2 still gets away with murder, but ds1 is very mature and capable - has always been much more 'grown up' for his age than ds2. Don't think that you have to feel exactly the same way about every child - they are all different - value it instead of beating yourself up over it.

Flip

1 2