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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Should a child go to their parent's funeral?

45 replies

Presh78 · 09/11/2006 20:12

A very close friend of mine has just lost her partner. His funeral is next week and they have an eight year old daughter.
My friend is totally confused as to whether she should let her daughter go or not. Her daughter is coping really well at the moment with it all and is being very grown up about the whole thing. If she goes this could all change. But on the other hand her dad will only be buried once and she may resent her mum if she doesn't go.
Her mum doesn't know what to do for the best. She is not thinking straight at the best of times and is definately a worry that she doesn't need.
I'd really appreciate any advice as I just can't help her make a decision.

OP posts:

TheHighwayCod · 09/11/2006 20:13

deffo imo

id jusy ask her though
mayeb she wants ot go and wait outside

TheHighwayCod · 09/11/2006 20:13

mate of mine lost his mum
had 5 kdis
asked then
soem said yes some went to a mates house
eh eneeds to explain what will happen

Kelly1978 · 09/11/2006 20:14

very sad sitation.

I have no experience but my first thought was what does the daughter want to do?

bundle · 09/11/2006 20:15

absolutely. there was an article in one of the sunday papers not so long ago about a woman who didn't go to her sister's funeral when she was a child and she's only just starting to address it all.

Furball · 09/11/2006 20:15

How sad.

I think at 8 a child should go to their parents funeral.

nerdgirl · 09/11/2006 20:15

Definitely ask the daughter and have a plan B whatever she says - so arrange for someone to take her away even at the last minute or to bring her to the funeral on a moments notice.

bundle · 09/11/2006 20:16

here , well worth reading

clewin · 09/11/2006 20:16

yes i would ask her too. talk her daughter through it and see what she thinks then. sometimes children can suprise you, but as you said it can always make things worse. I'd explain about the day and that it will be very upsetting for her but if she does want to go it will be her choice. sending hugs to your friend and her family

LadyTophamHatt · 09/11/2006 20:17

When my dad died, my mum asked me if I wanted to go to the funeral.
I was older than your friends DD but was very glad I was given the choice.

(I didn't go and have never ever regretted or felt bad about it. )

WideWebWitch · 09/11/2006 20:17

I think she should go too. How tragic. She's more likely to regret it if her daughter doesn't go I think. Poor them.

kama · 09/11/2006 20:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

allybaba · 09/11/2006 20:20

My gut reaction is that the daughter should decide, she is old enough that she will remember if she is made to do something she doesn't want to and may resent it later on. I feel very sad your friend

JoolsToo · 09/11/2006 20:20

I'd say 'yes'. She needs to say goodbye with her mum. It will be tough but children are very resilient.

JanH · 09/11/2006 20:22

My brother was 8 when our mother died. Dad didn't want him to go to the funeral, but he wanted to go, and several of us thought he should so he did.

He was fine, very emotionless, looking curiously at people's faces, but I think he needed to know what it was like, iykwim.

I think at this age it really has to be the child's decision but having a back-up plan, as nerdgirl said, is a good idea.

Yorkiegirl · 09/11/2006 20:32

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Presh78 · 09/11/2006 21:07

Thanks for all the advice so far. We discussed it earlier and my friend is going to speak to her daughter and then let her make up her own mind. She was worried that her daughter would just say yes because she has never been to a funeral before and will somehow think it will be exciting, as they do at that age at new things!
I am going to be there with my car and will be on hand to take her daughter away from the funeral if need be if she decides to go.
It's such a sad and fragile time, and it's hard to get things right without causing more hurt.

Thanks a lot

OP posts:

worcestercaroline · 09/11/2006 21:09

ask the child, if they don't want to go could they give her option of going to grave afterwards when not so many people r around to give her chance to say good bye.

unknownrebelbang · 09/11/2006 21:10

A friend's sons, aged 10 and 13 so slightly older, were at their dad's funeral two weeks ago.

Sad situation to be in.

Moomin · 09/11/2006 21:14

My brother and I were 7 and 9 when our mum died. We didn't go to the funeral and weren't given the choice. Our auntie looked after us and our 2 cousins who were similar ages. We went back to the house afterwards and I remember being very surprised that a 'party' was going on. I think my dad had the best intentions at the time and I don't really reget not having gone. I think it would have been very difficult for my family and all my mum's friends to see us both there - children at funerals are very poignant aren't they. I think maybe it's had a more lasting effect on my brother than me; he took years to accept it and had counselling as an adult about losing her.

But maybe it would have been good for us to see how well she was thought of by everyone - I think the thing I perhaps regret most is a sense of not knowing her as aperson, just as a mum. We were just getting to the stage of being friends as well as mum and daughter wheh she died so there's a big gap with my knowledge of her other than being my mum, iyswim.

ohnelly · 09/11/2006 21:15

Hi I was 9 when my Dad died and I went to his funeral. I think it helped me to realise he wasnt coming back and where he had gone. I think she should go - it will help her to understand

ohnelly · 09/11/2006 21:20

As I remember I went to the church but dont actually remember the bit when they put the coffin in the ground so maybe that is an option particularly if you are there with the car maybe to take her home before that part if she is not coping with it and has still had the chance to say goodbye

littletikes · 09/11/2006 22:02

My partner lost his father when he was 9 and his brother was 10. Their mother did not take them to the funeral. My partner is 37 and his brother is 38 now and they still have not forgiven their mum in not letting them say good bye properly to their father. They do ot really give her the time of day, anymore. If my partner died i would definately take my tow kids no matter what age, as they need some closure or to say good bye or even memories/thoughts that they did go to the funeral..
But this is my opinion even if my partner had not lost their father.

Tommy · 09/11/2006 22:09

I have never thought children should be shielded from funerals - particularly of a parent.

When I was at school, there was a family whose Mum died and she didn't even know when the funeral was. I did though because my parents were going. I've always thought that was a bit odd. She would have been about 10 then I guess.

Sad situation to have to be in though

Heathcliffscathy · 09/11/2006 22:12

she absolutely should go imo if she wants to.

2Shoes · 09/11/2006 22:14

haven't read the whole thread(due to personel reasons) but just wanted to say what my neice said.
when my bil dies he had 2 children one 8 and one 6 there was a big debate about them going to the funeral. It was my neice who said " what will happen when they are older and ask why we went and they didn't) that decided it. I think it helped them. even though it was all terribly sad. to say good bye.

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