Should a child go to their parent's funeral?

[Presh78]

A very close friend of mine has just lost her partner. His funeral is next week and they have an eight year old daughter.
My friend is totally confused as to whether she should let her daughter go or not. Her daughter is coping really well at the moment with it all and is being very grown up about the whole thing. If she goes this could all change. But on the other hand her dad will only be buried once and she may resent her mum if she doesn't go.
Her mum doesn't know what to do for the best. She is not thinking straight at the best of times and is definately a worry that she doesn't need.
I'd really appreciate any advice as I just can't help her make a decision.

I think it is important that she is given the opportunity to go if she wants to.
I remember being told at the age of 12 that my grandads funeral had been & gone without me knowing. It made me very upset that I wasn't at least given the choice to be there.

Very sad situation.

She's old enough to decide for herself.

One of my aunts died when dd was 2ish, we asked dd if she wanted to go which she did. We were put in a side chapel so didn't have a view of the coffin, but it was a very moving ceremony (catholic) and quite long with some beautiful singing from my cousins. My dd started crying half way through which set off a lot of other people and actually did her a lot of good. We went to the cemetary where we were able to throw earth and flower petals into the grave - I would not have done it myself, but dd wanted to, and was very satisfied with the whole thing. She talks about it occasionally (now 7) but without trauma, very sensibly and practically. She remembers my aunt with affection but without sentimentality and doesn't dwell on her death or the funeral. I think for her it was a nice good bye. I know it's different for a very young child for whom death is not a clear concept, and very different if it is a parent, but I have heard so many awful stories about people who were not given the choice or chance to bid a parent a proper farewell, I really do urge you to get your friend to talk to her child - it's her dad, after all. Perhaps it would be easier if you did it?

She should go. We keep children too far from death. I took our then 6 year old twins to my mother's funeral.

I didn't go to my dad's memorial service (plane crash, so no body ) at 3, but my 6 year old brother did. Definitely think the girl should decide. So sorry to hear of your friend's bereavement.

I think it totally depends on the child, and her personality and wishes.

She needs to have the whole funeral explained to her (what happens, why it happens, who is there, what it will look like, will there be a coffin, what will be said etc), and it's also really important to discuss the emotional impact - how she may feel, how others may cry, how she may cry, how some people may smile and laugh if the eulogies are poignant etc

I went to my mum's funeral, aged 11. I was given a choice but felt pressure to go, and I actually hated every single minute of it, and to this day wish I hadn't gone. I was painfully embarrassed and anxious, and felt completely naked, trying to keep desperate emotions in check while feeling publicly scrutinised. I wish I had stayed at home, and sat at the bottom of the garden thinking about my mum in private. But that's me.

Funerals can be good for 'closure', but there are many ways of supporting a child through a parent's death, and no one way is correct. My heart goes out to your friend and her child, and I hope together they find a way to cope.

Winston's Wish is an excellent organisation that can advise anyone concerned about a child faced with a bereavement. I would really recommend contacting them. I have been trying to do a link but can't seem to get it to work. Winston's Wish is easily found by googling, (unless someone else would be kind enough to do a link)

I think it really depends on the child and as she is 8 she should be asked...my mum was a bit older when she lost her mum but her dad sent her and her brother and sister to school as normal on the day of the funeral. Needless to say all 3 ended up in miserable tears with the school nurse and my mum has never forgiven him for assuming that she wouldn't want to go and she feels she never got to say a proper goodbye.

I don't know whether she should go or not beyond asking what she wants to do but, in any event, I really recommend videoing the funeral. It may sound a bit macarbe, but it was done at my grandfather's funeral and my grandmother and mother were really pleased because on the day they were both too out-of-it to take in much of what was going on or to take in the lovely things that were said. It can be done very quietly and it didn't get in the way at all. Especially if your friend's daughter chooses not to go now, she may well want to see it when she gets older.

gosh, yes, I think so.
my friend was widowed last year and her 3 yo son came to the funeral. if an eight year old wants to go then her decision should be respected.
I was prevented from going to my grandmother's funeral when I was around eleven and tbh I am still very upset about it 25 years later.

Oh, yes, absolutely, I would encourage her to go even if she thinks she doesn't want to, actually

It's not like she is going to be able to just forget about it, is she? Children need ways to mark and express grief as well as adults, and the sense of community, finality and ritual surrounding a funeral can be extremely comforting as well as bringing trapped emotions to the surface.

Seh should probably go, to say goodbye.
When my grandmother died, my nephew was kept away, he was about that age. He only recently told me that he's never really forgiven his mum for not letting him go. Especially because he was so very close to his great grandmother. So in a way, it haunts him still that he wasn't able to say his farewell, even after nearly 15 years.

Sad thing, I feel for your friend.

When my fil's second wife died he told my sil that he didn't want the children at the funeral. He didn't want the disruption. Thankfully they didn't know her that well but I still think it was unfair of him to take the decision out of the hands of the children and their parents.

I hope that it goes as well as possible for both mother and daughter whatever the decision.

Ask her but encourage her to go, it helps with the grieving process and people will say lovely things about her dad

If she wants to go I really think your friend should allow her to

I lost a brother when I was 8 and I wasn't allowed to go to his funeral even though I wanted to. I still feel now - 26 years on - that I never had the chance to say goodbye properly

And 8 year-olds now are far more grown-up and streetwise than I was

sorry if repeating anyone else, haven't read the whole thread,

IMO she should be encouraged to go, even if she has doubts, a funeral is such a normal part of death and dying, having the chance to say goodbye and taking part in the celebration of his life (which she is a huge part of) is so important.

I'm sure she will bitterly regret not going when she gets older if she doesn't go.

I imagine that the adults will be more frightened of her feeling too upset than the child feeling frightened.

Kids react badly when kept in the dark, but the truth -they can handle with the right support from the grown-ups.

very sad.

I think its very important that children go to their parents funerals to help them accept the finality of it.

When my brother died 5 years ago it was really heartbreaking to see his 3 school-aged children at his funeral but I know for sure that it helped them come to terms with it.

Children attending other relatives funerals I'm not so convinced about.

I think it has to be an informed decision by the child.

Ever-so different, I was 21 when my mum died, and of course being an adult, it was expected of me to be there.

I had never been to a funeral before. When I saw the herse pull up outside our house, I ran to the bathroom and was adament I wasnt going. There was something I just couldnt put by finger on, telling me I shouldnt go.

After DH being supportive, I eventually got in the mouners car and went. I had a complete breakdown during the service, still cant recall anything other than being on my knees in tears. I look back now and wish I hadnt gone, but also feel that if I hadnt gone, I would wish I had.

In some ways I now regret not seeing my mum in the chapel of rest, but at the time, with a 2 week old baby, I wanted to remember my mum alive, not lying in a coffin.

Sorry for the ramble, in my opinion, if the child can be told exactly what it will entail (which I had not been told about) and wants to go, then she needs to be allowed.

its a really difficult decision to make and unfortuantely it has to be made at a really awful time when your friend is not up to making a decision.

I think ask the child what she wants, with as much explantaion as possible about what will happen.

My sister died when she was a week old when I was 11 my brother and I were not allowed to her funeral and I still feel very upset about this 29 years (yesterday) on.

So sorry to hear this Presh78. IMO it would be right for the child to go to the funeral. I was not allowed to go to my dad's funeral when I was 10 and it was very hard for me to believe he had really gone. It would perhaps help her to 'put him to rest'? Hth, sorry have not read through rest of replies but felt compelled to reply having first hand exp. Nothing is going to be 'right' for this little one right now, but she should be able to 'say goodbye' to her one and only dad.