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Original poster

I have asked GP to refer our just turned four year old regarding behaviour. DH is really upset with me.

38 replies

Nopenope · 23/04/2015 21:16

We had a letter from DS's school nursery about two months ago raising quite a number of serious concerns about our son.

He was three at the time. The early years foundation leader raised many points - lots of which I strongly disagreed with.

For example - problems with fine motor skills and tripping and falling.

However from being about two we have had problems with his behaviour. Constantly pushing the boundaries - from one thing to the next. Climbing, pushing the TV, being rough with sister etc etc etc.

Anyway as suggested by the school I took him to the GP who said he was a bright little boy but did have glue ear in both ears. The school seemed happy with that explanation and since then, as far as I'm aware, all has been fine.

Today I was at his private nursery having yet another conversation about his behaviour. His key worker who before agreed with me in the main now thinks a return visit to the GP would be advisable as his behaviour requires one on one 'management'.

I of course was upset and today have been back to the GP who had said previously if we wanted him referring he'd do that - but personally didn't think it necessary and that he thinks he is bored and needs challenging.

I have said that yes, I would like that now doing.

I don't know where I have referred him to exactly but DH is so upset with me. He thinks his behaviour is totally in line with a four year old.

I am now totally confused about the situation and don't know if I've done the right thing. What will this referral mean for our little boy?

Any help appreciated.

OP posts:
MrsHathaway · 23/04/2015 21:30

If there's nothing wrong with him then the referral will come to nothing and you will have the reassurance that an actual expert (and with respect parents, nursery nurses and GPs are not generally experts) has signed him off.

If on the other hand he does have additional needs of some kind, then the referral will be the first step to getting help for him.

It's really win-win, surely?

Biscuitless · 23/04/2015 21:35

I don't know much about the referral but does he still have the glue ear and could this be contributing to the problem behaviour as he is not fully on the same page about what is going on around him? There is a useful leaflet on glue ear which you may have already been given on the NCDS website.

We didn't go down the referral route for our DS but it did turn out that glue ear was the cause of many of the difficulties his nursery were picking up. In his case it was things like lack of social interaction and standing there looking blank when they'd just asked all the children to do something. I can imagine in a more boisterous child the frustration manifesting in physical activity.

Can you go back to your gp to ask for more information? It was suggested to us that if we referred this would be to a developmental paediatrician for a full assessment which would include hearing test as well as other things, but only your gp will know what he had in mind. Am sure others will be along soon knowing more.

Original poster
Nopenope · 23/04/2015 21:48

Thank you both for your input.

DH has made me feel like I've done something 'wrong' and that the referral could mean he is labelled as a problem in some way and also by referring him I've washed my hands when in actual fact it's the total, total opposite.

I'm worried his behaviour could mean he's unhappy and of course that breaks my heart.

I'm now worried we're 'in the system'.

I also emailed the school nursery today asking how he was doing regarding the points that were originally raised and DH thinks all I've done is remind them when at parents evening they said there was no problems.

OP posts:
cathpip · 23/04/2015 21:55

What you are doing is following up general concerns with your son, what your husband is doing is burying his head in the sand........

PacificDogwood · 23/04/2015 22:01

The referral will mean he will be assessed AND if required be offered the support he needs to maximise his potential.
If the assessment shows he has no developmental or behavioural problems, he'll be discharged.

I think your DH (and maybe you?) need to examine the reasons for his concerns and how he would cope if heavans above forfend! your DS was found to have support needs.

It is FAR preferable having him assessed early.
Do you know how long the waiting time for these assessments is where you are? Getting the ball rolling is a really good idea if there are concerns.

SilverBirchOnAHill · 23/04/2015 22:07

If he goes through an assessment process and has a diagnosis, it is not a label, it's a diagnosis and will help him to get support so he is able to cope in school and help you to find appropriate strategies at home.
Not having a diagnosis (if he needs one) is more likely for him to end up with an unhelpful label as naughty, which is not the case.

It can be a shock to have to face the reality that a child may have SN. Your dh may well be finding it difficult to process this.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 23/04/2015 22:07

What is happening with the glue ear? Are you on a wait and see path with regular audiology appointments? I think that might be a factor.

Otherwise I agree with the others. There is a point of view that your husband has that is fearful of intervention and insists we mustn't pathologise normal behaviour. But that's misguided. Intervention in the early years has been shown to be enormously beneficial.

Original poster
Nopenope · 23/04/2015 22:18

I do feel that there is something. I have no idea what. I am worried I'm the cause.

It's so scary for me to think that we've actually come this far 'managing' when all along this should have been looked at before.

What's muddying the waters is that the letter that school sent initially included many points I don't agree with. I may not be an expert but I know my son and I'm honest about his capabilities.

But the behavioural problems are there. I'm not sure what this means.

DH is so angry with me. I'm so upset. I am worried that DH is right and I have overreacted to typical four year old behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nopenope · 23/04/2015 22:19

GP said glue ear should resolve itself.

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PacificDogwood · 23/04/2015 22:20

IF you have overreacted, the the assessment will show that he is fine and no harm is done.
Otoh a delayed diagnoses can mean missed opportunities for support.

PacificDogwood · 23/04/2015 22:21

Has he had a hearing test? Formal audiometry?
He should at the very least have that assessed and followed up.
Yes, often glue ear resolved itself, but equally often behavioural problems may be contributed to by poor hearing.

YourHandInMyHand · 23/04/2015 22:27

It is EXTREMELY hard to get a formal diagnosis even when a child does have additional needs, your husband doesn't need to worry that diagnosis's are handed out willy nilly.

All that will happen is you can discuss your concerns, he will probably be assessed and you will get some answers either way.

It's very very common for mums to want answers and dad's to bury their heads in the sand. Huge generalisation but true of the many many families I know where child has additional needs.

Cherriesandapples · 23/04/2015 22:28

I have a son with Glue ear ! Lots of behaviour problems at school. Less so at home. I had to fight for help as school etc.. Dismissed his behaviour as lazy child/ bad parenting. Children with Glue ear do not get enough help. They suffer socially and emotionally as a result. My child is totally different in group situations to the home environment. We had help and it was fantastic. Don't underestimate the emotional aspects of hearing impairment.

cece · 23/04/2015 22:28

My DH was very reluctant when our DS was referred to the hospital. He was even more cross/worried once he got a diagnosis - his concern was that he was now labelled. However, we have discovered that since his diagnosis the school have been very pro active in providing the support that he needs with his behaviour.

liveloveluggage · 23/04/2015 22:33

Tell your dh to sort himself out and start supporting you. You are following the advice of professional nursery teachers who see hundreds of young children and seeking expert advice. You dont just ignore these people. Ok it will be upsetting if it turns out there is a problem, but that is not your fault. So he can cut out all the immature blaming and step up and be the husband and father he needs to be.

Original poster
Nopenope · 23/04/2015 22:35

I have asked 'is he okay' at every juncture - starting private nursery, starting school nursery, discussed with friends and family.

All the time I have felt that there is certainly some kind of behavioural problem going on.

What has made me dubious and cautious was that his teacher mentioned dyspraxia (sp?) and I felt it was to try and explain the behavioural issues without being a medical professional.

So now I suppose I too am worried about some kind of diagnosis being made, and DH being so cross is just amplifying that worry.

I really appreciate the support tonight. Thank you. I am trying to not get into an argument with DH about it but my already very shaky confidence on this has been brought into question by him and this thread has reassured that I've not done something foolish.

I also apologise for anything I have said non PC. It's not intentional.

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nickelbarapasaurus · 23/04/2015 22:35

i think you need to get his hearing/gue ear tested properly - it could indeed be affecting it - if he's not able to process auditorily everythingthat's happening in his class, he could be acting out because he feels overwhelmed.

i would sort that out before going to referrals for behaviour, especially as they will assume that all physiological reasons have been ruled out

Original poster
Nopenope · 23/04/2015 22:39

Could I mention glue ear at this referral and say it's not been followed up? GP said today 'how's the glue ear'? How the hell am I supposed to know? No mention of hearing tests at all.

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nickelbarapasaurus · 23/04/2015 22:44

you need to tell the GP that you want tests for the glue ear

Original poster
Nopenope · 23/04/2015 22:47

Hi there. The GP has already diagnosed 'gluey ear' In both ears and said it will resolve in three months (about two months ago).

OP posts:
Karoleann · 23/04/2015 22:49

Do you feel that they're something wrong with him rather than he's just unhappy?

We had a little boy at DD's nursery who was flagged up as needed referral - similar behaviour bousterious, not listening etc, yet we had him round to play a few times and he was fine. Our pre-school is very small, fairly structured and would not had suited either of my older two boys.

This little boy has since moved to the US and appears to be completely Norma in his new setting

I don't think your son getting referred at this stage will hurt, but you can tick the box that says that the info is not shared with their setting. You can the chose to share the info yourself.

wtftodo · 23/04/2015 22:53

Your gp should be referring you on. To audiology re glue ear and not assuming it will resolve itself. It may do, but either way if there are issues which might be related eg behaviour it should be investigated - plus of course your son needs a hearing test to. See how. It is affecting his hearing! Good luck op. My toddler is 19m with glue ear. I went to health visitor today because of some extreme tantrums which she immediately linked to her ear problems and is pushing for further action. Hope you too get some answers/support x

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 23/04/2015 22:56

The year 3 - 4 is when a lot of things can show themselves and become obvious to EYPs. And, while it was wrong of his teacher to mention a specific diagnosis, she obviously feels there are concerns which need to be investigated. Glue ear and dyspraxia can mimic each other to a certain extent - clumsiness, difficulty concentrating, etc so if it is only the glue ear she isn't necessarily in the wrong ball park.

I think you need to really start pushing the gp about the glue ear. What is being done? Did they just diagnose and then leave you to it?

In terms of DH. IF you go on the sn boards you'll see lots of stories about DHs who really struggle with the thought that anythings wrong. I've my own story, but it's your thread. He needs to wind his neck in. And if he's energy to spare arguing with you, he should take it down the gp's surgery and demand some answers about why nothing has been done to fix his child's hearing problems.

wtftodo · 23/04/2015 22:57

The three months thing sounds like a misunderstanding. We are assessed every three months at audiology re daughters glue ear as if she had three clear visits theyd assume all resolved. Instead each time we go they assess issues and are working towards referring her to ent for treatment. The health visitor today, suspecting it's starting to affect her behaviour, was escalating this. No one has suggested we just leave it to chance.. See another gp or the health visitor if you need to

Original poster
Nopenope · 23/04/2015 22:57

Thank you all who have responded. I'm off to bed now. I'm going to have another good read through in the morning and reply. Good night all.

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