I have asked GP to refer our just turned four year old regarding behaviour. DH is really upset with me.

[Nopenope]

We had a letter from DS's school nursery about two months ago raising quite a number of serious concerns about our son.

He was three at the time. The early years foundation leader raised many points - lots of which I strongly disagreed with.

For example - problems with fine motor skills and tripping and falling.

However from being about two we have had problems with his behaviour. Constantly pushing the boundaries - from one thing to the next. Climbing, pushing the TV, being rough with sister etc etc etc.

Anyway as suggested by the school I took him to the GP who said he was a bright little boy but did have glue ear in both ears. The school seemed happy with that explanation and since then, as far as I'm aware, all has been fine.

Today I was at his private nursery having yet another conversation about his behaviour. His key worker who before agreed with me in the main now thinks a return visit to the GP would be advisable as his behaviour requires one on one 'management'.

I of course was upset and today have been back to the GP who had said previously if we wanted him referring he'd do that - but personally didn't think it necessary and that he thinks he is bored and needs challenging.

I have said that yes, I would like that now doing.

I don't know where I have referred him to exactly but DH is so upset with me. He thinks his behaviour is totally in line with a four year old.

I am now totally confused about the situation and don't know if I've done the right thing. What will this referral mean for our little boy?

Any help appreciated.

If your ds's preschool behaviour needs one on one management then yes, definitely have him assessed! If you've been thinking something's up with his behaviour since he was 2, then it's good that it's being investigated.

They won't make anything up, but if there is a problem, much better to be forewarned, then you can get the support and help that he needs.

Def go to your gp/hv and get a referral to audiologist for hearing test - I have no idea how your gp can say glue ear should resolve within 3 months!

Once that has been ruled out then you can concentrate on other things.

Behaviour at home may be v different to behaviour in a nursery setting, too.

Good luck.

Also, your dh needs to man up - you are investigating a potential problem, thinking about your DS; your dh has his head in the sand!

Have just read a few new responses. Excellent advice re. Glue ear. I will follow that up first thing with HV.

Also, you are not the cause, if your DS has any additional needs!

Good plan op - DS first had glue ear diagnosed at 3 and still has grommets at 8...

Thank you CocktailQueen. I feel like it is my fault - something I've done/not done.

Been a working mum, been too shouty, postnatal depression etc etc etc.

I am going to assume (based on where I work) that your ds has been referred to a community paediatrician. Hopefully this is the case as they are doctors who are experienced in all aspects of child development. If so, you should get an appointment where a full picture is built up of your child and 'proper' (for want of a better word) referrals will be made. Based on what you say they may refer you to audiology or for more extensive behavioural assessments but you will be followed up by the community paediatrician so you will have a point of contact in case you are unhappy with the follow up elsewhere and will have a doctor who is far more knowledgable with regards to your child's needs and to the pathways that should be available to you than your GP. I hope that makes sense!

Op, none of those things cause problems in children...lord knows, most children would have issues if that were the case! Don't worry about whether it's something you've done or not; concentrate on getting a referral and going from there. Xx

A boy at my ds's cm has recently been displaying some really challenging behavioural problems. He's 8. Turns out he has DAMP but it has never been discovered at school because he developed his own coping mechanisms which saw him through the infant stages without anyone noticing anything. Since moving up to juniors he has found the step up hugely challenging and has only just managed to keep a lid on things at school. At home and at the cm's though his behaviour has markedly deteriorated. The poor boy is massively stressed and has the added complication that he feels responsible for his parents arguing a lot more, also due to the stress of it. His diagnosis is late and has caused an untold amount of angst to everybody, most of all to him who his parents believed was 'naughty' when in fact he was suffering silently for all that time. If concerns have been raised and your instinct is that there is something, it is far better for him to be referred to ensure he receives early support to overcome difficulties which will promote his self esteem, learning, social, personal and educational development. And if it really is nothing as your dh believes then you can be reassured that you have acted in his best interests. I hope this helps and good luck.

My ds was diagnosed with glue ear when he was about 15 months (after having ear infections for over a year) and still has it (on third set of grommets) aged nearly 8yo. They're now talking about him getting towards hopefully growing out of it. Not has grown out of it though, hopefully will in the next 3-4 years.

Most of the time I can't answer how his hearing is. He adapts very well. ENT pointed out to me aged about 3yo (just before 2nd set of grommets) that he was lip reading.
ENT told me that most parents don't realise how bad the hearing is because they adapt very well. I remember at 3.6yo him saying to me in autumn "the leaves didn't crunch last year" and I started to argue that they did-then realised it was his hearing-that was the difference the grommets made.

Now glue ear can produce behaviour issues. Ds has been through that. Thing is that they have to concentrate in a noisy environment so hard to hear that they get tired. This then means they lose concentration, and also can show other behavioural issues. Ds for example really struggled with someone coming up behind him and would lash out. This was because he hadn't heard them, made him jump and frightened him.
He also was used to pain in the ears, so didn't go and say when he was in pain-school used to diagnose an ear infection by his behaviour. Which was very useful!

I am not saying that no way your ds has anything else going on. But what I am saying is that it may be entirely down to glue ear. And as you know that has been an issue, it's worth looking at that first.
The only thing that concerns me is that if you get on the list now, get seen round August/September time he may well get a false clear result. Because they're often much better in summer. Ds can get a normal hearing test in August and not hearing anything much by end of September.
But it's still worth pushing on that front. But if he gets a clear reading in August it may be worth asking for a second check in November/December if they'll do that, to make absolutely certain.

I definitely agree with that.

I have a hearing disorder, and have to lipread a lot. I get very tired in noisy environments where I have to lipread every word, and frankly after a while I just stop bothering.

It is interesting how many people have had similar experiences with glue ear! Just a further thought on this, if you do go for the hearing test - don't dismiss it if they report only "mild" hearing loss. Initially I thought that meant nothing too much and certainly they didn't seem to think it was a big deal. But I then did some googling and there are simulations which show that even a relatively small hearing loss can make it as if you are hearing everything from underwater and some consonants are lost. So no wonder children struggle in a busy environment.

We had grommets done privately to avoid the waiting list and from being seriously concerned about behaviour, language and lack of social interaction all the time my DS was 3, I now have a sweet, chatty, bouncy and incredibly happy 4.5 year old (9 months after grommets put in). The change is wonderful. I hope you also find a resolution for your son, whether it is that or something else. But the right help can I am sure make a world of difference. My DH was the same actually about not wanting a referral, I just had a feeling there was something not right, but it was very hard to put a finger on

Thank you very much!

The wheels are in motion - so I will update.