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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

How do you 'punish' your pre-teens for bad behaviour?

36 replies

AwakeWithTheSparrows · 19/04/2015 22:58

Dh and I are struggling to find punishments that actually make a difference to our 12yr old dd.

She's generally a good girl but has flashes of temper and bad behaviour eg hitting her brother which require a punishment/consequences (gawd that sounds draconian, certainly we would never consider smacking, humiliating etc). And before anyone says it, of course we talk to dd about her behaviour, explain what is and isn't acceptable etc.

Clearly we're years past star charts and 'naughty steps'! Our DS is easy to punish by removing screen time but it doesn't bother dd. Being sent to her room isn't really a punishment as she will just sit up there and read which she loves doing! We won't take her phone away as she has a long journey to school on public transport so it is there for her safety.

We are wondering about extra chores but that is difficult as both dc help with chores already so giving her extra inadvertently rewards DS (who invariably has done some winding up to cause the outburst!)

Any sensible suggestions?

OP posts:

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fulltothebrim · 20/04/2015 07:39

I don't punish at all.

Ragwort · 20/04/2015 07:45

If you don't 'punish' full does that mean it is because your pre-teen never misbehaves or do you just accept poor behaviour?

I have no idea Awake - sorry, not much help but my DS is now 14 and can be hard work - by that I mean rude, unhelpful, talking back and generally lazy. We have tried all sorts of 'punishments' - ie: no screen time, no pocket money - but that doesn't seem to stop repeated poor behaviour. He lost his phone for a week recently .... moaned a lot but still misbehaved when he got it back.

And yes, we've had numerous chats about 'acceptable behaviour' and have occasional phone calls from the school about his behaviour. . I actually asked his teacher what he would recommend and he admitted he had no idea.

PolterGoose · 20/04/2015 08:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Velvetbee · 20/04/2015 08:09

Have 4 children with 2 each side of that age group so not going through it at the moment but we didn't/don't punish either. They are a hormonal mess at that age and I just send them to their rooms. They come down less cross and we start again.

Jinglebellsarenearlyhere · 20/04/2015 08:12

I'm in exactly the same boat and haven't a clue so am reading with interest.

For those who send to their rooms to calm down do your children ever refuse. Mine does and I don't want to man handle her so any ideas how to get her there would be great.

Ragwort · 20/04/2015 08:21

But surely sending a child to their room is some form of 'punishmnt' - yes, I do that too but it doesn't seem to stop the repeated poor behaviour.

They might be a hormonal mess but equally so I am I when I am sobbing with frustration at dealing with a teenager. . I just hope this is a 'phase' and that the end is in sight. .

My DS has never actually refused to go to his room so I haven't had that problem Jingle - but then actually going to your room is quite nice sometimes isn't it - I tend to retreat to my own bedroom when family life gets too much.

DesperatelySeekingSanity · 20/04/2015 08:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fulltothebrim · 20/04/2015 08:40

If you don't 'punish' full does that mean it is because your pre-teen never misbehaves or do you just accept poor behaviour?

Of course not. I have very high expectations of behaviour.

I don't punish my elderly mother ( who often behaves like a child), my husband or even my dogs.

Spadequeen · 20/04/2015 08:47

Full your post comes across as very smug whether you mean it to or not.

Am not in this position myself yet so do not know how I'd deal with it, but the op is asking for help, maybe you could help by explaining how you handle it, what you've found works for you, you know helpful stuff.

howabout · 20/04/2015 08:59

I don't punish in the traditional sense of the word either. Agree about teen volatility and also the challenges of giving them space from younger siblings.

I do also think at this age girls are in a power struggle with their mothers a bit.
I agree sometimes if you send them to their room or if they won't go just retreat from wherever they are then with time to cool down they sort themselves out and are more remorseful than if you come down on them like a ton of bricks.
Also at this age I have numerous things I do for them like arranging dinner times to suit activities, drop off and collection service, funding for trips, sewing and laundry scheduling, shopping trips etc etc etc etc. I can be very unreasonable about all these things if the need arises and I have found a bit of mirroring of teen behaviour works just as well as it does in toddlers.

fulltothebrim · 20/04/2015 09:00

I practice AP- sorry I don't mean to sound smug, I am not a perfect parent and my kids are not perfect either.
Not punishing is part of the approach I use.

MarniRose · 20/04/2015 09:08

Mine are 16 and 8. I don't 'punish.' I tell them off

fulltothebrim · 20/04/2015 09:14

What does "telling them off" entail?

mummytime · 20/04/2015 09:32

I have to agree that "punish" as a mindset is pretty unhelpful for teens and near teens. When mine frequently misbehave - I tell them off, make them make restitution for what they've done (say sorry, clear up mess etc.), and bear consequences (eg. I trust them less if untruthful, don't give them money of things, could fine them (to pay for breakages), would reduce pocket money - smoking, may not take them somewhere).
We do also keep a dialogue going about how other people feel if you are mean. Discuss strategies for handling emotions (go for a walk rather than hit sibling). We also talk about long term consequences - if you go around hitting people you could end up in prison.

MarniRose · 20/04/2015 09:36

Well, exactly how it sounds I suppose! My kids are generally very 'good' so when they're winding each other up and trying to tip each other off the sofa ( siblings fight the same even with a large age gap! ) then I start by telling them mildly to stop. They don't. So I get up and I'm ' right! Stop now! You over there and you over there and you do not touch each other again. If I have to tell you again blah blah ' etc etc. and that stops it.

For other bad behaviour I just send them to their bedrooms. I'm not bothered about whether they can read or play up there... That doesn't matter.

I suppose the above doesn't work if you have very defiant children or they've done something extremely 'bad' but I've never had to dish out an actual 'punishment' in almost 17 years

Ragwort · 20/04/2015 09:54

I think nit-picking over the word 'punishment' & 'telling off' is derailing the concept behind the thread. Maybe we should be asking 'how do we deal with difficult teen behaviour?'.

How does AP work in this sort of situation? Not being sarky, just genuinely interested.

fulltothebrim · 20/04/2015 09:58

AP parenting has led me to the stage I am at now.
I can't actually remember the last time my teens did anything that actually disappointed or displeased me.

Our relationships are based of deep trust and respect.

TheOnlyColditz · 20/04/2015 10:01

My kids are 12 and 9.

I lecture them loudly and at length, take their devices, lock them all in the safe, and make them earn them back with choring. TBH they don't misbehave very often, probably because there is always plenty of choring to do.

Spadequeen · 20/04/2015 20:23

Can I ask what's ap parenting? Thanks

Hathall · 20/04/2015 20:31

Interesting thread.
I've never punished either in the traditional sense.
I've made threats (if you don't do this right now then no games this weekend) and that's all I've had to do.
I've sent them to their rooms but just so they can calm down and be separated from siblings.
I've always told them off but I've never associated a punishment with what they've done.
Maybe I've been lucky and they've never fine anything really bad?
Mine aren't teenagers yet so I'm not sure what I'll do if they hit a really rebellious stage.

girliefriend · 20/04/2015 20:39

I was hoping to get some tips on this thread.

My dd is 9yo and I suppose I don't punish either, normally a threat of no t.v etc is enough to get dd to stop.

Op would taking your dds phone off of her for the evening/night etc work? Does she get pocket money or allowance?

girliefriend · 20/04/2015 20:41

Am assuming AP = Attachment parenting but not sure how that works for 12yo normally refers to sling wearing and co-sleeping!

fulltothebrim · 20/04/2015 20:53

In the early days it can, and I didn't know how AP works with children as they grow. But is has formed the foundation of our relationship. Based on respect and non vioent communication, it is possible to carry though the same principles of AP even though the teenage tears.
AP is not something you just do with babies and then switch off.

attachmentparenting.org/blog/category/ap-with-teens/

Gemma77 · 20/04/2015 21:17

My pre-teen is a DS and consequences for him are being grounded and loss of Xbox. If it's serious enough we use monster grounding which is being grounded but with no electrics including TV, phone, etc.

Have had to warn that we will take away his football (when already on monster grounding!!) but thankfully just the warning has been sufficient!

Really tricky at this age as he is full of hormones and puberty is hitting hard so whilst we have clear consequences for poor behaviour I must admit that we are being more lenient at the moment.

Model5 · 20/04/2015 21:32

When my Dc are rotten to each other the worst "punishment" I can give them is to make them say a proper sorry.

i.e. I'm sorry I did XYZ which made you feel....., rather than just barking sorry!

I try and make punishments fit the crime, so abuse of IT privileges means confiscation, being late home means being home earlier tomorrow (Not a fan of grounding, as that punishes me most!)

Not sure about AP (not sure exactly what it is TBH) but I do think that if they're used to boundaries being firmly and consistently applied, you don't actually have to punish very often by the time they're in secondary school.

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