How do you 'punish' your pre-teens for bad behaviour?

[AwakeWithTheSparrows]

Dh and I are struggling to find punishments that actually make a difference to our 12yr old dd.

She's generally a good girl but has flashes of temper and bad behaviour eg hitting her brother which require a punishment/consequences (gawd that sounds draconian, certainly we would never consider smacking, humiliating etc). And before anyone says it, of course we talk to dd about her behaviour, explain what is and isn't acceptable etc.

Clearly we're years past star charts and 'naughty steps'! Our DS is easy to punish by removing screen time but it doesn't bother dd. Being sent to her room isn't really a punishment as she will just sit up there and read which she loves doing! We won't take her phone away as she has a long journey to school on public transport so it is there for her safety.

We are wondering about extra chores but that is difficult as both dc help with chores already so giving her extra inadvertently rewards DS (who invariably has done some winding up to cause the outburst!)

Any sensible suggestions?

Op does your dd have a smartphone? do you have an old phone which is not a smart phone? Perhaps you could threaten her with a switch to a very basic phone that has calls only?

There you go OP, you just need to wind back the years and do AP and you too can be as smug as full

I tell off/ discuss/ show disappointment and in extreme circumstances remove smartphone and replace with my old Nokia brick which is social death. I've totally removed an iPod for a serious break of use rules in the past.

Reading with interest. Dd1 is 11, quite emotional and hormonal I'd say.
The difficulty I have is that I was punished/abused all through childhood, in the name of discipline. Smacking was commonplace until around age 12. To do with dad's temper and bullying rather than me being naughty.
So I struggle with not being able to draw on my own experiences.
With dd I occasionally confiscate ipod. I also try to let her off a bit, picking the battles. she seems to benefit from time in her room (minutes not hours), not as a punishment but to give herself cool down space.
Thankfully she seems to behave reasonably well elsewhere, I believe that she needs a place to vent her emotions and for her that place is home.

My dd would rather have a toy phone than a Nokia brick ;)

I think there is some truth in the suggestion that toddler tantrums are practice (for the parents) for the teenage years. A lot of teenage bad behaviour is very similar to toddler tantrums but with graver consequences because of their size and/or increased ingenuity. Ignoring, like you would a toddler tantrum can be very effective.

Sending an older child to their room, isn't so much a punishment, as a way of ignoring them for a while.

I don't punish either. I don't do attached parenting...I just send her out of the room and she's become used to reasoning...I say "I think you'll be better off on your own right now" and she goes. Then later we talk about it a bit.

I have been really struggling with my dd, but am finding some of these posts very reassuring in that some of you are doing similar to me.

I agree, teen tantrums are laughable sometimes they are SO similar to toddler strops sending to room definitely works in this house, gives everyone a chance to calm down and nine times out of ten he will come down for a cuddle after ten mins or so of being ignored.

I ain't a role model for no one - but FWIW I'm a great believer in natural justice (ie the punishment should fit the crime).

I phrase things as 'fixing' what went wrong.

For thumping - depending on my own reading if its aggression or frustration - the consequence is either having to console DS (ie sit with him until he feels better, apologise properly etc). Alternatively - I say that "I see you were wound up - but your reaction has put you in the wrong. How could it have gone better?" I then get her to write a story or a comic strip for the 'sliding doors" moment - to focus on the point when she could have reacted more constructively. She truly hates this ! Excruciating serious-face chat with Mum. Much more of a deterrent than 'punitive' approaches.

Thanks all! Some interesting posts and a couple of nauseating ones.

I do the telling off and the sending to room - although as I said I wasn't sure how much of a punishment that was but I guess I hadn't factored in the exclusion and ignoring part of it.

The story strip is genius. No way I could get through that without laughing and one thing guaranteed to send dd thermo nuclear is being laughed at. (Which is difficult when she is in the throws of a toddler-esque screaming tantrum!)

I've started reading get out of my life but first take me into town by wolf and franks. Very interesting in explaining the psychological reasons behind the teen behaviour. Haven't got to the how to deal with it bit yet but am hopeful!