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controlled comforting

51 replies

mcm77 · 19/04/2015 17:13

My baby is 10 weeks old and won't nap for longer that 45 mins on his own, I end up having to hold him for the rest of his nap - was thinking about controlled comforting, any thoughts?

OP posts:
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mcm77 · 20/04/2015 20:33

Mainly cause I wanted to know other experiences, but mostly it was just NO cause baby is too young, it felt judgemental and not very balanced views

OP posts:
mcm77 · 20/04/2015 20:36

You are assuming this means leaving a baby to cry for ages???? Its not like that, I would never do that, but why jump at every cry.how will they ever learn to self settle?

OP posts:
Psipsina · 20/04/2015 20:37

I think my last post comes across as harsh when it isn't intended that way.

I am a bit direct at times. I am sure you care about your baby but you have been misinformed - look it up, controlled comforting is from 6 months up. Nowhere is going to say otherwise.

It is hard work when they are tiny, we have all been there.

CultureSucksDownWords · 20/04/2015 20:37

I think the reason for the list of "no"s is because none of us have or would do controlled comforting with a very young baby. I also don't know anyone who has done this, or who would be interested in doing it.

If you think it's relevant, I responded to every squeak my DS made when he was little. He is now a very confident nearly 3 year old, who is independent and happy. Responding to a little baby does not make them clingy and anxious. Quite the opposite in fact.

Stoneysilence · 20/04/2015 20:39

Agree with everyone but the op here. - 10 weeks is far too young for "controlled" ANYTHING. Your baby needs to know he has some agency in this world - when he speaks (cries), someone (ideally his mum) responds. Imagine being left to scream in that scenario, it's not teaching him anything. He needs physical comfort and reassurance from you, his mum. This is magical, natural bonding (might not feel magical right now, but it is!) and not to be "controlled" into submission!

It's maddening when everyone tells you to 'enjoy your baby' and we all get how frustrating the early months can feel. That's why slings we're invented. Get one and get on with your day. Smile

Saying that, OP you asked a question and got a response, you don't like it so you're off. That's not usually how it works on forums - if you had your mind made up about the answer you wanted why did you even bother asking the question?

LillyBugg · 20/04/2015 20:43

I'll also put my hand up to say I responded to every tiny mumble from my son and he is now almost 8 months and can be put down for a nap or bed wide awake and within minutes is fast asleep.

At 10 weeks they aren't crying for the sake of crying, they need our attention. I know it's hard but you just need to persevere with comforting your baby.

I've found relatively few people on MN who would say otherwise to be honest.

A crying baby which cries and cries and then stops has effectively given up because they don't think anyone is going to come and give them what they need.

Psipsina · 20/04/2015 20:44

but why jump at every cry.how will they ever learn to self settle?

I know what it is. I've looked it up and have seen it discussed before.

The thing is, it's a bit of a paradox. As I said - if you go to a baby straight away, it learns that you are going to come straight away next time, so it doesn't cry as much next time.

If you don't come, it thinks 'ah, no one can hear me' so it cries harder, which isn't good as crying is fairly painful so it then gets a sore throat and cries even more because it hurts.

You can see why going to it straight away works better and results in a more confident baby who knows it will have its needs met.

Obviously if you NEED to leave it for a few moments because you're on the loo or whatever - that's normal and no way round it.

Gradually as a baby gets older you will find you can wait slightly longer, as by then it knows you'll come soon. And this is how children learn to separate, and to settle themselves, and so on - by being responded to when they were too tiny to do so themselves.

Ten weeks is too small to do this. A baby can't solve its own need for comfort, for sleep - and it is likely hungry or has tummy ache anyway (always wind after a feed, obviously, to minimise this)

at this age they cannot manipulate you any more than a kitten can manipulate its mother. They only have needs, not wants.

Once they are huge toddlers they can safely be ignored when having a tantrum or something, though genuine crying should never be ignored.

mcm77 · 20/04/2015 20:45

What a balanced well thought out, non draconian reply.

OP posts:
Anotheronesoon · 20/04/2015 20:47

Oh I feel for you it's so tiring! Hang on in there! I found the only way to cope was to wear my babies in slings- absolute lifesavers when you have babies who just like to be close! If you are on fb try joining "slings and things" or " affordable slings" groups for advice on what might be best for you. Good luck and remember this too shall pass!

CultureSucksDownWords · 20/04/2015 20:49

I'm confused, mcm77. Who's being draconian and unbalanced?

Psipsina · 20/04/2015 20:51

Probably me...usually is...sigh Smile

Justusemyname · 20/04/2015 20:54

The baby is TEN weeks old fgs!

CultureSucksDownWords · 20/04/2015 20:58

From my point of view, "self settling" is something that is developmental and so it shouldn't be something that is forced.

The way to teach your baby to settle on their own is to respond to them quickly as much as you can at this age. They will become confident babies, and when they are ready they will begin to re-settle on their own, or drop off to sleep on their own.

LillyBugg · 20/04/2015 21:10

People don't give balanced views, they give their own view. If everyone gave a balanced opinion then they wouldn't be opinions and we wouldn't get anywhere!

AtomicDog · 20/04/2015 21:18

Sometimes not sleeping long is a sign of reflux. Have you spoken to your HV or GP?
Slings are great, and if it is reflux, keeping him upright will help ease his pain too.

Feckeggblue · 20/04/2015 21:24

Ok whilst I don't agree controlled crying/ comforting is the answer I'm a bit confused by a
Lot of the responses- as though the OP is selfish and lazy. If the baby is on her for all sleeps how does she sleep? That's more than a little self sacrifice, no sleep for 10 weeks (and on going for 6 months) especially with a toddler

gnarlyoldoak · 20/04/2015 21:31

Feckeggblue - my 15 mo has all his sleeps on me (sling or lap for naps and we co-sleep) and I'm very well rested thanks! It's possible! (You might surmise from that that I'm vehemently opposed to controlled crying, or controlled comforting if you're going for the positive spin approach, at any age)

gnarlyoldoak · 20/04/2015 21:33

OP - 45 mins is one sleep cycle for a baby that age. It might be interesting to read facts of baby sleep to understand why they wake when they do. Isis.org is a good unbiased fact based site for infant sleep research.

CultureSucksDownWords · 20/04/2015 21:36

As far as I can see the OP doesn't have a toddler?

Lots of people have suggested a sling, trying to get the baby to sleep in the pram, trying something like a sleepyhead etc.

My baby really did sleep on me for pretty much all naps when he was that age. At night he would be in a bedside cot right next to me. I would have used a sling in the day if I could, but c section complications made that impossible. My DP would have him in the evenings and weekends as much as possible so that I could rest.

Crazyqueenofthecatladies · 20/04/2015 21:38

Really OP, a strop? I think most posters were pretty restrained given most were probably thinking 'FFS'. Do you not see the irony in a mum contemplating controlled crying, sorry 'comforting' against a 10 week old calling other posters draconian. If you get to be such a sensitive wee flower then suck it up and let your newborn be one too.

Feckeggblue · 20/04/2015 21:40

People are referring to daytime sleeps the way I've read this is it's 45 min sleeps 24/7. Agree that 45 mins in the day is no big deal

Feckeggblue · 20/04/2015 21:40

Sorry that was rushed. I thought the OP was saying the baby never sleeps longer than 45 mins, not just in the day.

IHeartKingThistle · 20/04/2015 22:37

Flame away but I did it from 10 weeks with DD with no problems. NOT CIO, people, just putting down awake, shush-pat leading up to PUPD. She's 8 now and not visibly traumatised Grin .

I don't believe in responding to every little squeak either. But I do believe in figuring out what your baby needs. It worked for DD because somehow when she was tired she went to sleep way better if we all just fucked off and left her to it. She'd cry (not scream) for a couple of minutes and then go to sleep. If we got involved she'd freak out because she was over tired.

It didn't work that early for DS. He was a different baby altogether and needed way more comforting (illness, eczema etc.) But he still had a routine and was sleeping through by 11 months.

OP I do think you're getting a hard time. I know several people who jumped up at every tiny noise and ended up with babies who couldn't settle. It can go both ways I suppose!

CultureSucksDownWords · 20/04/2015 23:27

Iheart, all the sites I could find about "controlled comforting" we're treating it as synonymous with controlled crying. I still don't know what is meant by controlled comforting.

I completely agree with working out what your (individual, unique) baby needs. Some babies need to be left alone to sleep, some definitely do not.

The OP asked for opinions, and mine is that I would not do any kind of sleep training with a 10 week old.

Psipsina · 21/04/2015 08:15

I took my tone from the OP's second post really - I tend to respond taking the OP's tone into account and it sounded a bit abrupt so I was abrupt in response. I thought she would understand a direct approach and not want to be patronised. So I took one. Perhaps it was wrong.

In her defence I only know about this approach to babies because my own mother was sympathetic to the cause and studied Bowlby etc so I had her on side from the start and I'm glad I did.

If she had been otherwise inclined I may have struggled to be told that babies deserve to be noticed and responded to. I might have been defensive about that.

It is hard to change from your RL support's views on things esp if that's how you've always been brought up.

I am glad we were unanimous on this thread as at least it gives pause for thought. Most people don't intend any harm to their kids even if it sounds bad what they are planning to do.