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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

attachment issues with 3yr old, goes too other people for things I'm offering!!

46 replies

tashbash · 10/04/2015 21:54

My DD has not long turned 3, I thought we had a pretty good relationship, but apparently it's not quite as good as I thought, i could offer her a cuddle and she will go to someone else for a cuddle, I will try and play with her, she would rather play with someone else,. Sometimes it feels like she doesn't want me at all, :( how do I build my relationship with her so that she would rather go to me than other people? I'm trying to play with her ect, but she still asks for someone else. Please help!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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Ferguson · 10/04/2015 22:44

For how long has she been displaying these traits? How was she as a baby? Has anything changed in her life? Has she siblings? Does she go to nursery or playgroup?

I think you need to consider all these questions, and then maybe try to view her world from HER perspective, to track down clues that may shed light on her behaviour.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/04/2015 00:09

Who are the other people? Other parent? Grandparent? Stranger?

Original poster

tashbash · 11/04/2015 08:08

She was perfect as a baby, had a very strong attatchment to me.. And yes things have changed,. Please don't judge, I'm on here to try and improve my life for my daughter. Anyway, social services decided to dump us with some foster carers, never met them before literally just got brought here and told this is where your staying. Been here for 3months now,. Has developed a fairly strong attatchment to the female foster carer as she was very hands on with DD when we first arrived, she has now cut back and how much time she spends with my DD and what she does with her ect. But i fear its too late, and that I can't improve the bond between me and my DD because of the foster carer being around 24/7 :(

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Original poster

tashbash · 11/04/2015 08:10

Foster carers, so technically strangers yes! :/ but I know she does class them as family from a picture she drew at nursery. She has bonded with the carer..

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Thetreeonthemountaintop · 11/04/2015 08:14

Could this just be a phase? There are lots of threads where a child goes through a phase of favouring one parent and cutting out the other. I had a friend whose daughter went through a phase of telling her mum that she preferred her childminder and wanted her to be her mummy instead. Maybe your daughter is doing something similar?

tobysmum77 · 11/04/2015 10:14

I think it's a phase, honestly. My dd who is 6 always seemed to prefer other people when she was tiny. I am now absolutely number 1.

She was always a very independent child generally she walked straight into school the first day etc. I think that little children are like this because they are very secure and happy in their bond with mum so they don't need to show it all the time?

I'm assuming you are both with a foster carer because you are young? I promise your dc loves you, don't let worries put you off going to college etc so you can give your dc the life you want to.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/04/2015 15:12

I know it is sad but honestly, it could be good. DD is very huggy with other people and is also, like Tobys' child, very confident. Walked off to preschool, "bye bye Mummy" as all the other children sobbed.

She also might know that you love her whatever but other people have to be encouraged. Because you are always there, always loving her, she can go off and play confidently.

BTW when DD is sick, she wants me. After rejecting hugs the rest of the time

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/04/2015 15:16

Also a strong attachment in a baby looks almost opposite to a strong attachment in a 3 yo. A baby needs and wants to be with you all the time. A toddler needs to explore the world and try things. Securely attached toddlers can be the ones wandering off, ignoring you.

Original poster

tashbash · 11/04/2015 15:29

Thankyou, i feel much better about it now :)

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sosix · 11/04/2015 15:32

Usually children who are confident with other people are like this as have very strong attachment to parent. How old are you op?

ashtrayheart · 11/04/2015 15:39

From what I know about attachment theories, a child who can bond with someone has usually formed a strong bond with their primary carer (ie you) as a baby, so it would seem to me she has the ability to form good attachments from her relationship with you
It sounds like you are doing fine and she is starting to exert a little bit of independence.

Givemecaffeine21 · 11/04/2015 15:39

As someone who knows a lot about adoption firsthand, the advice for adopters when children are attaching is to direct them back to you each time they go to someone else for something that you as mum should be providing. For example newly placed children with attachment issues will perhaps go to strangers or people they barely know for cuddles etc and are indiscriminate with who they go to. The adopters are therefore advised to keep them close and gently discourage this behaviour always leading the child back to them for cuddles. This means for an adopter that they will generally ask family members (aunts, uncles, grandparents etc) not to pick up or cuddle the child in the early weeks so that the new parents are the ones they learn to go to and bond with properly. In time obviously cuddles etc with family members comes naturally when the new parents feel it's time or the child (if they are not comfortable with hugging new people) seek it out.

With your DD although she obviously isn't adopted it sounds like lines have understanding blurred and it's time to gently but firmly re-establish your role.

In another instance I'd say it's a phase as kids do go to close family for things, mine know for example they will always get a biscuit at grandma's etc, but given the situation in terms of living with the foster carers, a bit of positive reinforcement of your role won't do any harm.

Original poster

tashbash · 11/04/2015 16:15

They have started to direct her back to me, but this is after 3months of being here.. She doesn't go to them quite as much, but Ideally I want to be the one she goes too all the time.. Or is that selfish of me to expect that?

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Original poster

tashbash · 11/04/2015 16:17

And I'm unsure as to how to enforce the fact that I am her mum.. I play with her, do various activities with her, but yet she would still rather hold the foster carers hand than mine when walking somewhere. It's very frustrating. And quite upsetting to know she would rather go to someone else :(

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MrsTerryPratchett · 11/04/2015 16:25

You want to be the one she goes to all the time but that's about you and not her. She is growing up. You aren't just creating a child, you're helping a child become an independent, fully rounded adult. She will go out into the world, meet new people, form new relationships. That's important.

It sounds like sh'es really great with new people and new situations; that is wonderful. She's secure in your love for her so she can try on new people and new relationships.

Is her Dad around and involved? Because some of the panic might be if you have never had to 'share' her with anyone else. DD has swapped between DH and I for years. And Raquel at preschool who is awesome and great and amazing in every way and she loves, grrrrr

Original poster

tashbash · 11/04/2015 16:48

No its not that I don't want to share her as your putting it, it's because of the situation im in I can't have her going to other people for things, if it Was family i wouldn't mind, she needs to bond with family too, but not with people who won't be in her life much longer..

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Givemecaffeine21 · 11/04/2015 16:53

I think if they are working with you and directing her back to you then you can't ask for much more. She clearly has built a relationship with them, just as she would if they were grandparents you lived with for three months. Is the issue more that they are foster carers and not family, or would you mind whoever it was? My own kids are very secure in their attachment to us but they will alternate between me and DH and my DD will go to grandma / aunty for a cuddle quite a bit, especially if she's annoyed with me for correcting her behaviour or saying no. She won't always want you for everything, thats kind of how it is, and if the carers are ensuring she knows that you as mum are the first port of call and are doing all the major things - bathing, feeding etc, thats the main thing. If for any reason you are not doing those things you should be as the 'caring / meeting needs' aspect is the bit the forms attachments.

Original poster

tashbash · 11/04/2015 17:03

Well I personally wasn't concerned at all, until social services drummed into my head that my daughters attatchment isn't very good. And that it's proved by the fact that she goes to other people I.e foster carers.. Which is why I don't want her too go to them because I'm trying to prove a point to social that I do have a good relationship with my daughter..

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Givemecaffeine21 · 11/04/2015 17:20

Sure, I get that. Keep doing what you are doing i.e. Ask her to come to you and ask FCs to keep sending her back to you. If they've flagged insecure attachment for whatever reason, just keep working on your closeness to your daughter.

Original poster

tashbash · 11/04/2015 17:37

Yes but how do I do that?..

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UnidentifiedSighingObject · 11/04/2015 17:48

I believe that there are ways to reinforce your role by making sure your DD is directed back to you for comfort, safety, and things like food and drink. You need to be the person associated with meeting her most vital needs, so feeding her when hungry, comforting her if she's sad, kissing her better if she's hurt. I would not be so concerned about who she turns to for play, although obviously it's nice if it's sometimes you!

It is a tricky situation, but it sounds as though both you and your DD are increasing in confidence, which is a good thing, but means the dynamic with the foster carers will gradually change - and you'll need to guide your DD through that by example, and by doing lots of narrating for her. "Mummy's going to get your supper now, and then we'll sit together to eat." She will soon pick up on your consistent behaviour, and expect you to be the one meeting her needs.

This is not easy, but you're obviously working hard and thinking about how best to help your DD - really good for you

Givemecaffeine21 · 11/04/2015 18:45

Exactly what unidentified said - a lot of verbal reinforcement of 'mummy does that for you / mummy will get a drink for you / mummy takes you to toilet doesn't she' etc. It will help her be clear and it will help the FCs to work with you too and say 'yes DD, mummy takes you to toilet / gets you a drink, that's mummy's job..'.

chocolatemartini · 11/04/2015 19:10

I think if she was well attached in the past, it could be a very good sign. 3 year olds are at a stage where they are developing a separate identity and this makes them feel obliged to want the opposite thing to what their primary carer wants. So if she sees you want to do things for her, she shows her independence by 'wanting' other people to do those things

Shoemakerelves · 11/04/2015 20:52

Interested to hear that insecure attachment is proved by your DD going to others.
My DD has some symptoms insecure attachment and that seems to be proved by her clingy behaviour and sometimes not wanting to be with anyone else or go to anyone else.

So which is it?

I think making her feel secure and safe will help. Is it possible that you are less consistent or have less boundaries in place which is making your daughter seek those from other people. I only ask this because my inconsistency and inability to put boundaries in place has caused a lot of my own issues.

tobysmum77 · 11/04/2015 21:16

Do you not have any family/friends support op? It sounds hard to have to defend yourself like that . I wondered also at times if my dd actually liked me and it made me feel shit at times.

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