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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

attachment issues with 3yr old, goes too other people for things I'm offering!!

46 replies

tashbash · 10/04/2015 21:54

My DD has not long turned 3, I thought we had a pretty good relationship, but apparently it's not quite as good as I thought, i could offer her a cuddle and she will go to someone else for a cuddle, I will try and play with her, she would rather play with someone else,. Sometimes it feels like she doesn't want me at all, :( how do I build my relationship with her so that she would rather go to me than other people? I'm trying to play with her ect, but she still asks for someone else. Please help!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

tobysmum77 · 11/04/2015 21:17

And whatever she says/ does just keep saying 'well I love you'.

Original poster

tashbash · 12/04/2015 21:08

Thankyou for your suggestions will definitely try them,.. And its difficult to pursue with boundaries ect in my situation because I'm always watched ect. And if the foster carers have a different way of doing something then my way is wrong,.. Also we are not in our own home ect,. I'm not even sure of my own boundaries sometimes! One day what I do could be fine a week later it will be completely wrong.. Also today my DD lashed out at me,.. Hit me repeatedly and even tried to bite me,... At that point I was unsure as to where my sweet loving little girl had gone :(.. It feels like I've lost my authority over her.. I don't understand the sudden change of behaviour, the foster carers say that it's because she feels safe to be able to do that.. I think it's the opposite, i think she's confused and angry and upset, and because she can't explain.. Shes lashing out? She rarely sees family members, when she does its in a contact centre... Her whole life has changed.. And I think she finds it difficult because she doesn't understand what's going on,.. Shes asked me a few times where is mummys house, 3months of being here and she knows it's not her home... Fed up with the foster carers telling me what they think my daughter needs and telling me my way is wrong,.. I got very annoyed earlier. Trying to get my daughter ready for bed and the foster carer just strolled on in and started sorting out the bed for my daughter to get into which I could/should have been able to do, and as soon as that happened I was invisible to my daughter and i felt like I had no right/reason to be there,.. I have the title mummy for a reason but that gets taken from me regularly, even if it's simple things like holding hands to cross the road.. I am her mum. Therefore I want to b able to act like her mum... sorry. Slight rant. Have had a horrible day today :(

OP posts:

Original poster

tashbash · 12/04/2015 21:12

I do have family and friends but they are not physically allowed to help me, me and my daughter are basically locked away from everything we know.. I've never felt so isolated in all my life. And I'm sure it's the same for my daughter although due to her age obviously she can't voice that. Shes used to seeing family members for long periods of time every week, now it's for 2 hrs once a fortnight in a room :(

OP posts:

Shoemakerelves · 12/04/2015 21:40

This is a very sad and difficult situation. Are you/your daughter at risk from people within your family? I can't understand why you wouldn't be able to see them.

Mousybrown · 12/04/2015 21:49

A strongly bonded child is often confident enough in their attachment to their mother that they can happily go off with others safe in the knowledge that their mum will still be there when they get back so please don't worry.
It's actually proven that children that are increadly clingy that can ( not always) have attachment problems.

You are worried, because there is another carer present and it's a 'threatening environment' but really it sounds like you have no need. You have a confident child who is well bonded and confident...you should be proud.

Original poster

tashbash · 12/04/2015 22:05

No not at risk from family,I don't understand why it's like that,but I have no choice but too accept it :(

OP posts:

Original poster

tashbash · 12/04/2015 22:08

I get what your saying mousybrown but I've been told by social services that my attachment with my daughter isnt very good, but they have based this on 10 minute meetings. And also said that it's proven she doesn't have a good attachment by the fact that she goes to the foster carer sometimes.. Even im offering what she wants I.each a cuddle..

OP posts:

tobysmum77 · 12/04/2015 22:21

So who do you have on your side who can speak up for you? It sounds to me like you aren't in control of the situation in any way and its all just being done to you. I'm really not an expert in SS etc, I only know how dd1 behaved when she was little. There are people on here who know more but I guess there is a limit to how much detail you can give. It sounds very hard

Original poster

tashbash · 12/04/2015 22:45

I don't have anyone.. I have a solicitor.. But i don't have anyone to prove the ins and outs of daily life cos it's just me my daughter and the foster carers, they write daily reports on me.. And also if things don't quite go right they put there interpretation of events and i am allowed to put mine but seriously whos comments are more likely to be believed foster carers or mine.. I've had the support of my family since my daughter was born, and now it's been taken away, I literally have to rely on 2 strangers to guide me.. Sometimes I don't know whether they are actually helping me or not, one day we get on great and they are really supportive ect next day arguments all day. I can't do right from wrong.. I'm having to spend nearly 24/7 with 2 people I don't even know and it's driving me up the wall!! And also I've not had a break either,.. They say I can leave my daughter with the carers if I want too but I don't particularly want too, cos a I just don't want too and b I guarantee it will b used against me.. But i seriously do need a break!! :( I've just had non stop stress and uncertainty for the last 3 months. Just want it too end!! The more time goes on the more difficult it's getting,

OP posts:

IsItMeOr · 12/04/2015 23:28

Sounds like there is a lot of back story here. Sorry that it sounds you are having a horribly difficult time.

Have you come across the Family Rights Group? They advocate for families who are involved with social services, so may be able to give you some advice.

tobysmum77 · 13/04/2015 07:07

Daily reports sound awful. Two thoughts:

Can you talk to the foster carers about how difficult you are finding this? Not in relation to parenting your dc but you personally and your role as a mother. See if they have any suggestions. I think by the sound of it you're right, make sure that you insist on doing everything as toy need to demonstrate you can parent alone.
Has your solicitor made it clear to you why you are in foster care and what the longer term plan is. Have you asked if there is anything that can be done? Do you fully understand the situation? I wonder if you are using your solicitor enough or respectfully stepping back from them. I would be more demanding of them.

And try the people the other poster suggested.

Noteventhebestdrummer · 13/04/2015 07:27

It sounds like a tough situation. You write really perceptively about it so keep posting. Could you write little books to read with your DD? She could draw the pictures? That would be a good way to help you do something unique with her.

Original poster

tashbash · 13/04/2015 07:57

Tobysmum - I have tried many of times to explain how i feel,.. The trouble is they take it extremely personally and it just ends up in a massive debate, and yes I'm here to keep my daughter safe from her dad basically, it's classed as a holding placement,.. Basically social services want too adopt her, they aren't getting very far with it as me and my family are doing everything we can to fight them,. But whilst social services get there act together me and my daughter stay here. And I'm not sure what the future plan is. As it's changing all the time, either. My daughter will be adopted or i think I'll be going to my aunties for 3 months.. Similar situation im in now but will be better cos will be surrounded by family.. Anyway after I've been to my aunties, i think i just go home with my daughter.. I'm not sure, it seems to be a very long winded process that doesn't need to be :( I've never heard the word adjourned so many times before :(

OP posts:

Original poster

tashbash · 13/04/2015 07:59

Isitme - no I haven't but I will deffo take a look, thankyou :) and not even - yes I could, that's a very good idea,hadn't thought of that thanks :)

OP posts:

tobysmum77 · 13/04/2015 19:19

OK they sound awful, that's the truth and you need to log stuff about them also. Why can't you go to your aunties now? Why the delay?

Original poster

tashbash · 13/04/2015 19:38

Don't get me wrong they are lovely people most of the time. But then other times they arent.. And I dont know to be honest, which is frustrating because I was on the understanding i was going there last week after court. But then it got adjourned til may. So won't be going to my aunties til then :(

OP posts:

tobysmum77 · 13/04/2015 21:18

Have you asked your solicitor to explain?

Original poster

tashbash · 13/04/2015 22:48

Well I know their reason as to why, which is basically social services need to think about it. Why they need a month to think about it. I don't know :(

OP posts:

tobysmum77 · 14/04/2015 05:43

Have you asked your solicitor why? I'm starting to sound like a broken record

Can you focus on the month? It isn't that long really in the grand scheme of things. I would talk to fps again, daily if needed. They shouldn't be getting upset about you having an opinion they should be listening. Also does your solicitor know about how they are behaving? They really dont sound great to me.

Also there is a foster carers board on mn - there may be people there who can give better advice.

Original poster

tashbash · 14/04/2015 06:44

Ha. No I havent, and well thats just it they only listen to me when they want too.. And no he doesn't, but I don't see what difference that would make?..

OP posts:

Ferguson · 14/04/2015 20:03

I think maybe you need to try and get someone else involved, and on your side. If your doctor or health visitor is not a possibility, there are several on-line organisations that might be able to help.

If you Google "family support charities uk" you will find there are plenty of organisations that may be able to help, or at least be another group to discuss things with.

But remember, everything on the Internet can be seen by almost anyone. MN uses 'nick names' but everyone can still read things, even if only members can 'post'. So be discrete and careful, and don't give too much personal detail. For some organisations, you might be able to phone them instead of typing stuff, but then you may not have access to a confidential telephone line, and mobiles may 'log' details.

You should be able to find an organisation to help you, but if you have difficulties, I can suggest a few that I have looked at.

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