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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Explaining death in Disney films to a 3 yr old

29 replies

Jaffakake · 04/04/2015 13:40

We're starting to watch more films with ds (3.5) and I'm struggling to explain the dark parts to him.

So far Nemo has become a favourite & I wasn't smart enough to fast forward the beginning bit so was asked "where's Nemos mummy gone?"

Bambi was a particularly misguided adventure which we won't repeat!

Yesterday Simbas dad died in the Lion King. I just said he was very asleep.

I seriously don't know how to explain it. He's a pretty smart kid. Plus we've got a new baby so there's been a lot if change in the last few weeks. I think I'm scared he'll get worried his dad or I might die.

How have others handled this, or do you just avoid it!

OP posts:

PrincessOfChina · 04/04/2015 13:44

We have just addressed it head on - definitely no sleeping analogies.

For example "The boat their mummy and daddy were on got in an accident and they died. That means they can't go back home and look after them anymore, it's very sad but they will be ok" - when talking about Frozen.

For Nemo I would focus on how much his Daddy looks after him as his mummy died.

6LittleOnes · 04/04/2015 13:44

Umm, just tell him. Not helpful sorry but I honestly did just tell my dcs the character was dead.

Kampeki · 04/04/2015 13:45

I don't think it's good to avoid the subject - much better to be open and honest about it, in an age-appropriate way. Death is a natural part of life, and children need to understand that.

When dd was small, I just explained to her that sometimes, when people get very sick or very old, their bodies stop working and then they die. When they're dead, they aren't here any more, but we still have lots of lovely memories of the time that we had with them.

CaTsMaMmA · 04/04/2015 13:51

don't go there with the sleeping thing!

we always had cats wholesale murderers so lots of dead critters right under the kitchen table from when the children were born really.

Just be matter of fact, dead is dead, everyone dies, ....generally not till they are old is probably as far as you need to go with a 3 year old.

Shakey1500 · 04/04/2015 13:52

Totally agree with meeting it head on. I'm pragmatic about death anyway. Just be honest. It's served me well because we've had 3 close family/friends deaths over a short space of time and whilst DS knows it's incredibly sad, he also knows it will happen to everyone at some point and life goes on. It does no good imo to shy away from life events.

Sootgremlin · 04/04/2015 14:04

We didn't watch anything with death in it that young, now ds is turning four we've started upping the ante a little as I feel like he is more capable of discussing it.

I am honest about it in relation to bugs and dinosaurs, creation of fossils etc, but I think films can have a big emotional impact and play on their minds and I would prefer to deal with that when they can articulate better how it makes them feel.

I agree with not comparing it to sleep - little kids have to go to sleep every night, it might freak them out.

Cobo · 04/04/2015 15:36

Yes, sorry, but telling him they're asleep is not the best idea! It's clear from the films that something sad has happened and the characters don't come back, you don't want to freak them out about going to sleep.

To be honest, I've never really understood this dilemma. Why not just explain that they've died? Give the basic facts, reassure them and answer questions in a straightforward way. You risk scaring them far more by making it some kind of mystery.

Original poster

Jaffakake · 04/04/2015 17:38

Thanks. The sleeping thing was purely a panicked reaction cos I'd forgotten that bit was coming! I've decided to re watch everything before I let him see it so I'm prepared!

I'm generally quite a matter of fact person that copes with real-life death very well, so well I think I'm probably a little odd! It's reassuring to know that others think it best to meet it head on.

OP posts:

cheapandcheerful · 04/04/2015 20:24

We talk quite openly about it with dd (now 4.5yo) but when she was a bit younger we used to just say "Oh Nemo's mummy has gone now". It was quite a good starting point to build upon and at the time she accepted it as an answer.

Ferguson · 04/04/2015 21:49

Personally, I would avoid a child that young being exposed to such films; there is no need for it - even though they might be 'classics' - and there are plenty of more suitable entertainments available.

My Mum told me I cried at Bambi, when it first came out (in 1942 or soon after) so I would have been four or five at the time. And I didn't cope much better when it was on TV a few months ago!

In a cinema, when I first saw Ben-Hur, in 1960, during the famous chariot race, a distressed little voice behind me said: "Oh no! They're not going to hurt the horses are they?"

Original poster

Jaffakake · 05/04/2015 09:06

I talked about that with dh yesterday. I think we might avoid them for a bit, or at least pre-watch & decide.

I remember going to see Lady & the Tramp, I must've been maybe 4. I still don't like the red eyes of the rats! I was taken to see Return of the Jedi at 3/4 and slept through the whole thing, apart from when the Ewoks were on, when I'd jump up & down shouting "teddy bears!" I bet the rest of the audience were delighted!

OP posts:

NorthEasterlyGale · 06/04/2015 14:19

Well, our older son is 2.10 - he likes Disney, any David Attenborough series and other stuff about animals / the natural world. Doesn't seem overly traumatised by characters or animals dying so far (I had a brief moment of worry with an ill-timed channel change involving Bear Grylls and a fish, but the less said about that, the better ).

When characters / animals die etc we're just honest and say they're dead. If we need to talk about it more, we then discuss recycling / composting like we do on the allotment, and how things / people recycle over time to allow space and for the new. In particular, we refer to a Halloween pumpkin he had...!

I remember being worried about the possibility of my mum or dad dying, when I was young, and mum trying to reassure me - didn't really work. If the worry is there, it's there until the individual works through it themselves in whatever way they need to.

Do what feels right for you.

tomandizzymum · 06/04/2015 14:38

I've always just told them that the character died.

I think you're in that new baby state of mind. Emotion and hormones and mother's instinct make us more emotional and we sometimes worry about death and life and all that. I remember worrying about what would happen of me or my husband died, or if something happened when we had tiny or vulnerable children. Maybe you're worried he will worry because that's the frame of mind you're in (not consciously obviously). It's best to be honest with children, I always answer, everyone dies but most people don't die until they're old. For what happens next questions I say I really don't know what happens after, but lots of people believe lots of different things, with my kids I tell them those beliefs, with others I would probably ask them what they think happens, rather than impose my views on them.

Original poster

Jaffakake · 06/04/2015 17:29

Tomanddizzymum you may have something there about the new mum state of mind!

OP posts:

JustAQuicky · 06/04/2015 17:40

Bambi's mum didn't die she ran off with her stag lover

LittleLionMansMummy · 07/04/2015 08:49

I've just been honest - he/ she has died, which means they're gone and can't come back. Tbh it's just words at that age as they have no concept of grief so it probably won't bother him at all until he loses a pet. Our hamster died recently and it was only then that the questions began, once he'd experienced grief. But it was easier because we'd already sewn the seeds and been honest. He now knows that people can die too, but mostly when they're very old and their bodies wear out.

TiedUpWithString · 07/04/2015 11:56

Yeah, Cinderella is also a death fest. It seems that the hero/heroine of Disney films cannot have an adventure unless their parents have karked it.

I have been honest with DD but she's still labouring under the illusion that they might become 'alive again'. [tbuhmm)

TiedUpWithString · 07/04/2015 11:56

FFS

morethanpotatoprints · 07/04/2015 12:03

Just tell him the truth and explain about death.
If you feel he isn't ready yet, choose your films more wisely.
At 3.5 mine were able to understand and I think Disney films are a good resource for teaching about death.

Fanfeckintastic · 07/04/2015 12:17

Do people really pre watch? where do you find the time? It's bad enough watching them the first second third forth and fifth time around!

LittleLionMansMummy · 07/04/2015 17:39

TiedUp our ds asked if he could bring his hamster back to life with electricity He watched Frankenweenie a few weeks ago... Try explaining death, real life v films and defibrillators to a 4yo!

TiedUpWithString · 08/04/2015 08:57

Well, his theory is fundamentally sound LittleLion!

lagartaroja · 08/04/2015 12:14

Interestingly I was discussing (complaining-about) Disney films the other day and a friend was telling me that she had read a study that had been done into top children's films where it compared them to top action films. There was four times as much death in the children's films.

Sorry I can't back that up with any links - we were just chatting but this thread reminded me!

Oh and in answer to your question, I'd be honest. I (mistakenly) watched Bambi with my 3 year old last week and while I was honest, she didn't really get that Bambi's mum wasn't coming back.

ShesAStar · 08/04/2015 13:00

I think it's a good thing that children watch things like Bambi and get a sort of introduction to the idea of death - imagine if they didn't encounter death until they were six or seven - what a shock that would be!!

lagartaroja · 08/04/2015 13:09

Oh I agree! When I said 'mistakenly watched Bambi' I was meaning in a more 'crap film' way rather than referring to the death aspect.

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