How do you put your 9 year old to bed?

[Dodo76]

DP and I each have 2 children from our previous marriages and are thinking of moving in together. There are numerous issues we need to resolve but one thing that I have noticed is that he takes longer to put his DS, 9 years to bed, than I take to put my 2 DSs, 4 and 6, to bed and I take a LONG time as I listen to both of them read, then read each two stories, so probably takes nearly an hour in total. He does pretty much the same with his DS, i.e. listens to him read, reads to him and then sits with him until he falls asleep. I ca't really moan as I do the same with both DSs but was planning to cut out the sitting with them asap (bad habit from when they were babies) plus I had really hoped that by the age of 9 that they would both be reading to themselves! There have been a few tensions with DP and I (mostly just unvoiced frustrations on my side) and i think he mollycoddles his kids but am I being unfair/unreasonable here?

Yes you are I'm afraid.

My DS1 (9 nearly 10) gets the same time as my DS2 (7). We listen to them read, then read to them, then snuggle down, lights out and have a little cuddle. We don't stay with him until he falls asleep but you should be pleased that your DP wants to spend time with his DS. This is a good thing not a bad thing.

At 9 they had to be undressed and ready for bed by 8pm, I would read or they'd read themselves for about 20 mins then they settled down for 8.30pm
They were allowed up until 10ish on Saturday night mostly.
You need time at night and kids need to know you don't spend an hour going to bed.
Oh, lights were out at 8.20/30 and once they were in bed they stayed upstairs unless they were really ill.

Does seem a long time to me. My nearly 9 year old reads to himself, has a quick cuddle and chat about his day, then we leave him to it. Invariably he comes downstairs a few times as he needs a drink/ his leg hurts/ he's too hot... But would never sit with him til he's asleep - evenings are my time

I don't think you're being fair. My 9 years were still having a story, usually a few chapters of something. We'd also have a chat about the day.

I didn't stay with them until they were asleep but I think that's very sweet of your partner to do this. Also I presume the child's parents have divorced so I presume he doesn't see his dad every night?

I used to spend an hour putting DD to bed, mainly reading. I stopped when she was 14 because she asked me to! Otherwise I'd still be doing it. I think your DP errs in the right direction but perhaps you can agree to start to let your DC fall asleep alone now?

My younger two are 8 and 10. They get their PJs on about 7.45 - 8pm , brush their teeth and then i go up and tuck them in, takes me about 45 seconds! They read a book to themselves and occasionally i will sit and listen to them read, but certainly not every night. We've had all evening to talk and catch up about their day etc, so I don't feel the need to linger. For me bedtime is about winding down and having some quiet time.

DP lets his DCs stay up a bit later and they also have TV or ipad etc to help them 'settle down' but I prefer to allow just a book with mine. I know this would cause some arguments if we lived together as my DCs would want to stay up later and play games.

Tbh, the bedtime routine itself probably isn't the issue here, it's figuring out how you combine two separate ways of doing things without anyone feeling aggrieved and that definitely won't stop with bedtime.

I would suggest that before you even consider moving in together you spend quite a bit of time staying over with each other to see where the issues crop up. Do take holidays together and talk about parenting in general to make sure you're on the same page.

It will drive you mad if you think he mollycoddles them now, it's been the source of many a disagreement for us and it's a sure fire way to lose respect for each other. For your relationship to survive and thrive you really need to get on top of this before it causes any resentment.

My almost 9yo, with SN and SLD, decides he's tired, takes his jammie top off, nags to have his teeth cleaned and nappy change, then takes himself up. After -10 minutes, DH goes and checks the floor is clear, DS2 is comfortable and the lights are off and says goodnight. Job done. Sometimes he might come down again to check something, but there's no hanging about.

And this is a boy who needed someone sat with him to get to sleep until the clocks last went back.

So yes, your DH is being a little OTT.

Meh I sit with my 8 year old. He gets scared at bedtime and it only takes 10 minutes or so to go to sleep so I'd say
5 minute teeth and wash face etc and into PJs
10 minute story or 20 minutes if he's reading himself
5 minute chat
10 minutes falling asleep

Maybe 1/2 hr in total but I also have his sister to get to bed but they do teeth etc at same time and she's usually out like a light.

But we have a strict rule that once he's tucked in there is to be no talking or asking questions about football or sudden need to divulge all his deepest darkest secrets

I have 2 dc ages 10 and 8. We go up at 8. They put jammies on, clean teeth and faces. I read them 1 chapter of their book (2 if they are short). Kisses and cuddles. sometimes they have their lights on for a While. But lights off and no noise by 9pm.
Tonight I was downstairs again by 8.25

It sounds like they enjoy that time together. Bed time is often used with DS to talk about his day, random things, and basically have we time.
As your families are merging, don't mess with that time they have.

I very much doubt a 9 yr old needs all this - it's probably that your DP and he enjoy the time together. I don't have any involvement in my 8 and 10 yr olds getting ready for bed (other than to occasionally to shout up the stairs for them to hurry up and not to leave their towels on the floor etc), they are quite capable of running bath or having a shower, cleaning teeth etc. I have little involvement with 5 yr old (other than vaguely to ensure he's not drowning himself). But once they are ready for bed I come upstairs and we all pile into my bed for cuddles and stories - we usually read a couple of chapters (generally I go for books they might not have chosen to read themselves) most nights which can be 30 or 40 mins. It's a time of day we all really look forward to. I'm usually downstairs by 8pm. 5 yr old then goes straight to sleep (he's exhausted and should really be asleep by 7pm but what with work etc I don't pick him up from school until 6pm so that never happens) and DDs read or finish homework etc and are suppose to have lights off at 9pm.

DS2 is 9. He has a bath (minimal help), tv/reading an hour or so with us downstairs then teeth and in bed reading for half an hour himself before he puts his own light out at 9pm. He gets a kiss and a "tuck in" but no faffing. Once Door is shut I don't want to see or hear him until morning. Both DC have been the same since toddlers, it's worked great for us.

I sit with my 5yo until he goes to sleep, but not my 7yo or my 9yo. Having said that, I don't think it's your place to interfere. If your DP and his DS enjoy that time together, please don't try and spoil it for them.

I say "bed time DS" and he goes to bed.

Dss are 7 and 9 and we have about a half hour routine, they don't have baths every night, so it takes a bit longer if they have a bath. But normally we go up at 8, change/brush teeth/read (we take one child each, or the youngest one first), we chat, lights out and we do stay with them for about 5 to 10 minutes either telling a quiet story or singing a few songs. We don't wait until they are asleep. We all really enjoy this precious time, I enjoy the cuddles and lying in their beds. It's very special and I wouldn't change a thing, even if it takes a bit longer that other posters here.

"BabyDragon, time for bed."

Job done.

My DSS is 10 now but since he was 8 he has had a bath by himself and got into pjs and done his teeth etc. If there is any spare time before lights out (was 7.45 now 8pm) then he'd normally read to one or both of us or play a boardgame or uno etc.
I would say that up to and including year 6 its still really important for them to do reading, out loud or you to them if they are particularly tired.
I think you both should drop the sitting with them until they fall asleep part. Once you are a blended family that would be an area where one child would use to his advantage to gain attention from the others (possibly)
With up to 4 children in the house at any one time then you and DP will be gagging for some time alone. You need to ringfence evenings as adults only. As other posters have said, its definitely worth sorting out house rules before you move in and check each others expectations as much as possible.

My DS is 11 soon. Most night we still read to him, tonight he wanted to go to bed a little later so it was just a quick chat and I was back downstairs.

it varies depending on the time.
Can be a s quick as 10 minutes from walking in the door after training. Upstairs, loo, wash, teeth, PJs, bed, goodnight kiss, light out.
Or up to about an hour , listen to him read ( 5 min), read to him ( 10/ 15 mins), he whinges about going upstairs, drags himself up, faffs about in the loo for 10 minutes, dawdles over washing and teeth for another 10, mucks about picking up lego one brick at a time while failing to get PJs on and then climbs into bed like a starfish, hops out again to rearrange soft toys,.... goodnight kiss, light out.

Funnily enough he never does the later version on training nights.... when he doesn't get home till 8ish, only on home nights when we start reading at about 6.30/ 7pm.

I think it's very much an individual thing. If parents have time for a longer story and reading at night then fine. If not then also fine. I don't think it should be a one rule fits all. But I don't agree with the sitting by child until they fall asleep.

Both my dds age 6&9 get about 20mins (7pm and 8pm respectively) teeth brushed etc, one story read by them and one by me then sleep. A bit longer if have bath or shower. Did whole cuddles til sleep for years but glad to have evenings back now!

DS 7 baths, cleans teeth, puts on pyjamas, comes and gets a glass of water gives me a cuddle and a kiss then goes to bed by himself. Takes less than half an hour. All I do is turn the taps on and put the plug in.

I stopped reading to him at 5 as he wouldn't concentrate, just wanted to play with toys while I read and keep me in the room for as long as possible asking me to re read every page etc. Now if he's not tired straight away he will read to himself, draw, play with lego etc quietly but he knows 8pm is bedtime so doesn't come out his room.

He reads to me when he does his homework, so between 3:30 and 5 usually.

Ds 8
8.10 toilet, teeth, pjs on
Reads a book on his own until 8.30
Go in, quick chat about the day, kiss and cuddle if I'm lucky then lights out.
If he comes back down for any reason, which isn't often I send him straight back upstairs. I don't "tuck in" twice.
My 3, ds8 and dts4 have self settled since babies.

Is the problem the 'mollycoddling' - or is it that you would prefer your DP to be downstairs so you could spend some adult time together in the evening?

I think that if your DP's son is still getting used to you all spending time together, then perhaps he really values some one-to-one time with his Dad?

If you are in it for the long haul then I would try not to begrudge them this time together. Instead of feeling frustrated by DP (and DP's son…) why not use the time as some quality time for yourself - relax in a nice bath/read a book/etc?

I am sure that as you all settle in as a family together - and as the children get older - it won't be long before you have more of the evenings to yourself.