How do you put your 9 year old to bed?

[Dodo76]

DP and I each have 2 children from our previous marriages and are thinking of moving in together. There are numerous issues we need to resolve but one thing that I have noticed is that he takes longer to put his DS, 9 years to bed, than I take to put my 2 DSs, 4 and 6, to bed and I take a LONG time as I listen to both of them read, then read each two stories, so probably takes nearly an hour in total. He does pretty much the same with his DS, i.e. listens to him read, reads to him and then sits with him until he falls asleep. I ca't really moan as I do the same with both DSs but was planning to cut out the sitting with them asap (bad habit from when they were babies) plus I had really hoped that by the age of 9 that they would both be reading to themselves! There have been a few tensions with DP and I (mostly just unvoiced frustrations on my side) and i think he mollycoddles his kids but am I being unfair/unreasonable here?

I read to my 9.5 year old (and my 7.5 year old and my nearly 4 year old) and my DH reads to them on my work evenings. I intend to keep reading to them for as long as possible to build their vocabularies, but they are bilingual so it needs actively working at to keep both languages developing at the level they would for monolingual children. I think it's worth still reading to monolingual children at 9 too though, as when children read to themselves they often skim over words they don't understand, plus they don't hear how to pronounce new more challenging words.

I would want to work on phasing out sitting with any child for a long time waiting for them to fall asleep, but I think the reading to them (despite them being able to read themselves) should ideally continue as long as the child enjoys it.

Bedtime takes an hour but that's for 3 kids - they get a story / chapter each.

Ds3 is 8.9. We go upstairs at 8:30 and he showers, does his teeth and I read a couple of chapters of a book. He goes to bed about 9:15 to 9:30 and sometimes goes to sleep immediately or chooses to read for half an hour. He rarely comes back downstairs. At the weekends or holidays he goes to bed at 10:00-10:30 and he reads to himself. I don't sit with him until he goes to sleep although he prefers not to be upstairs on his own. I think that's because his brother (19) is almost always upstairs in his room and he's used to having someone around.

my 9yo has some special needs and is very anxious about being left alone, but we have progressed from sitting with him to sitting on the landing/ pottering about upstairs. He baths himself. Is a good reader but loves to be read to still and I'm happy to do it. He's asleep by 9 unless in rare circumstances.

I can see why you think things may need to change but I'd urge that whatever you do they don't change as a result of you moving in together - recipe for resentment. I would agree with pp who suggested that a lot of sleeping over together is in order to get an idea of how your two ways of doing things will mesh.

How old is your DPs other child?

DD9 .. "Right, Bedtime DD9" usually covers it, around 8:30pm. Sometimes it's straight to sleep, sometimes reading, loom bands, colouring, drawing, whatever. Sometimes gets up again for a brief faff or to ask something, but not much trouble really.

I say,right off you go to bed.
Clean your teeth and I'll come and give you a kiss.
And off she toddles with her book,and reads a bit,then goes to sleep,or has a story tape on.

Another 'It's bedtime DS' about 8pm. Kisses, upstairs to clean teeth & maybe a few pages of his book or watch a Deadly 60.

Blimey, mine just goes to bed! They sort their own teeth/pj/washing etc.

My daughter will be 9 in June. She'll shower and get into her pyjamas by herself, although she doesn't have a shower every night. When I tell her it's bedtime, she'll go and do her teeth then come and say goodnight and put herself to bed. Up to about a year ago I had to come and give her a kiss goodnight in her bed. I haven't read her (or her big brother) a bedtime story since they could read themselves and they seem to manage just fine!

DSDs shower, do teeth and get into pjs in the time bewteen getting home and about 7pm. We do homework and reading, usually them to us, although DSD1 prefers to read to herself. When it's actual bed time their dad takes them up, kiss and cuddle, tuck in. They can't be left to their own devices completely or this would take hours so they need reminding and chivvying. They've never needed sitting with. I put our baby to bed and I do sit with her till she's asleep but she is 8 months. Hope to not being doing it when she's 9.
I think you'll need to talk to your DP about it because it will be better if you are agreed on what your approaches before you move in.

My 9 year old reads to herself now, I don't have to do much in the way of putting either of my dd's to bed, sometimes I have to go and check that they are asleep but that's it.

If you are moving in together he will probably want to keep the bedroom routine the same for a while to make his ds feel more comfortable ( as it will be a big change for him ).