DW in tears "DS hates me, look he wants you, he wouldn't care if I am not here" could do with some advice.

[BreakingDad77]

Well we have been bad in that DS (14 Months has ended up sleeping next to me in separate room while he was ill, and we slowly getting him back to cot, though he has massive rages.

This morning was kinda last straw for DW as popped him in with her while I got ready for work and he had a meltdown and wouldn't settle back down to sleep like he usually does. I heard DW crying (she has never before over this) and went back upstairs and she says "he hates me he always wants you, other peoples children always want their mother.." and he just started reaching for me and settled immediately and started giggling and messing around.

We all came downstairs and he seemed to be settled with DW on sofa for a bit, I bring her a tea but as soon as he sees me starts pointing and screaming and wanting to come be with me.

Its seems to be really getting to her and wondering if anyone has any advice on what I can do??

my ds was the same at that age. daddy or chips? daddy!! he wouldnt let me do anything. but i knew it was a stage so it didn't bother me at all, though it did frustrate me when dh was at work and ds wouldnt want me doing stuff.

not sure what you can do except reassure your wife that it's a normal phase and he will grow out of it. then it will go the other way and ds won't want you!

It is a phase that will pass.
And it us not true that other ppls dc always prefer their mums.

It would help us to advise you if you gave us a bit more context. Like who is primary carer? How much time do each of you spend with ds? Why does he have 'rages' and how do you respond? Doe you do 'goodcop/ badcop' with him?

I'm a mum and my kids did this with me for months and months - really got me down. They've now switched to preferring me to their dad, which is nice but I'm waiting for them to switch back.

It does feel like other people's kids always prefer their mums so I understand why she feels so sad. It's horrible to feel rejected.

Dd1 did the same at that age and still flits between us. I just tell myself it's a stage and it will pass.

DD preferred her dad for YEARS.

If your wife relaxes and accepts that she won't be the number 1 parent all the time, then she will enjoy the time she does spend with him more, and slowly the preference will fade.

She mustn't feel it is a personal criticism - it isn't. I think it's great your son can and does spend time with his dad - I know some boys who barely see their father at all!

Short term - try to do activities that are dad and son only, then start to do activities with all three of you. If you say to your son "we need to spend time with mummy, daddy loves mummy and likes being with her" he'll come round. Even if it is just a walk or a game of snap.

Mine was like this too at 14 months.
It is more likely that he wanted to play, not go back to bed.

Ds used to throw himself to the floor and sob for ages when DH went to work. It made me feel terrible, but it is a phase and will pass.

My ds gave up breastfeeding as soon as he realised that his dad could give him bottles...........!

I had this problem when ds was small - from when he was about 9 months old to about 2 1/2.

Several bits of advice:

1. Acknowledge your wife's feelings. It can be very clear that a child prefers one parent over another and pretending that is not the case does not help. Knowing that your child prefers their father makes you feel an utter failure as a mother - that is just not how it is supposed to be. It is also deeply humiliating - what is wrong with you - what are you doing that is do bad?

1. Go away - give your wife time with just her and your son without you there as fall back. Ds was always fine with me when dh was not around. They should do something fun with the time - splash about in the bath, read a story, whatever your son enjoys.

1. As far as her dealings with your son are concerned, she can do no more than continue to offer her unconditional love and be there for him.

1. Never, never raise the issue with your son in anyway. I did this and it was a spectacularly stupid thing to do.

It really is just a phase and will pass but is heartbreaking whilst it is ongoing. Please understand that and support your wife.

My ds is 11 now and since he was 3 has always come to me rather than his father when he has a problem. He always tells me I am the best mother in the world.

I think this problem is much more common than people realise, but when you are going though it you think you are the only one.

I tried very hard to remember thwt it was fantastic that ds had such a good relationship with his dad, and tried not to make it about me.. ....God that bit was hard! We tried to treat it as normal- it really was up to me to manage my feelings. Dp handled it as sensitively as he could,but it made him feel miserable and guilty too- for me being upset and also because he was a WOH parent who worked long hours and couldn't give ds what he wanted. It got better over time, and I have a lovely relationship with ds now. I reckon if asked under torture he would still say his dad's his favourite parent, though- he's just too well mannered to tell me!

She is the primary carer as she looks after him Monday to Thursday, MIL/FIL Friday, handing over to me in eves, and I do all weekend while she working.

3little frogs - similar thing he has cried for an hour.

Thanks, I did wonder if it was just a phase, and that she is beating herself up too much. I think she compares herself too much with her friends, and she says their DH's don't do as much as I do. I keep telling her to stop being silly and we a team etc.

That's a fairly even balance between you both, so it's not like he's not getting enough dad. Are you making sure that discipline is shared equally too? I found I was always the one calling bedtime, tidy up time etc, so dad seemed more fun.

Also, 'comparison is the enemy of joy' is an important mantra for parents!

Sounds like you are a team, keep it up and be yourselves.

We used to joke that if you chopped DS1 in half you'd be able to read the word "DADDY" running through him, just like a stick of rock.

The thing that really used to get me down was DS1 would be really fussy and bad tempered with me, then lovely and smiley for DP when he got home.

I think DS1 takes it for granted that I will always be around. He does apologise now when he picks DP to do an activity not me. DS2 however is mine, all mine except for football

It is just a phase, it really doesn't mean he hates her or she's a crap mum, but it is pretty tough to go through it. Perhaps she can set up some fun activities that both your DS and she will enjoy, that only they do together to try and build some special time? Someone's already mentioned good cop/ bad cop - my DP is much more lenient than me on things like screen time, tidying up etc - is it worth just checking that you both have similar ways of dealing with things.

With the discipline I think we do the same and tell him 'no' to the same things and both tell him off together,

(It is hard to keep a straight face though when he holds his head in his hands, or face palms into the bean bag but I'm getting there).

Just to add another POV - it cuts both ways. I have a 3yo and a 16 month old who doesn't sleep and just once, I'd love not to be the 'preferred parent'. Up at night? Me. Fallen and needs a cuddle? They want me. And so it goes on...

My DD2, they are twins, used to actually tell me she loves Daddy moré than she loves me. It's evened out now.

As others have said your DS really doesn't hate his Mummy and he really would care if she wasn't there.

Buffy well she hasn't been sleeping that well TBH and has said as much. She has felt a bit down sometimes about things though has been to 'talking therapies' and has seen a counselor over a few sessions (though more to do with stuff that happened to her as a child) to talk through things, and was given some tablets, GP has told her to get more vitamin D.

It's a phase. It really doesn't mean anything about how much the child loves you. It can be very upsetting though.

I was very upset when my first child went through this (exactly the same age too). When the third starting favouring daddy, I was all "woo hoo, free at last"

I think there can be a tendency for the primary carer to do the drudge bit and the other parent to be novel and fun. Inevitably the child the appears to favour the fun adult. If this is the case then the solution is to make the time with the primary carer more fun and the other parent less fun.

You sound like you don't have time together as a family. Is there any way to change that?

DW does do more fun things with DC, I might push him in pram to park at weekends, but DW does the same in the week and in addition she goes to a toddler mum dance activity.

I do encourage her to go out with friends etc to try to do some own things, e.g go for drinks/chat with friends, she's out this week with friends to the cinema.

She's not really enjoying her job either at the moment, staff changes while away on maternity have made the place a bit toxic with a queen bee type character who doesn't hold any seniority though has assumed it, and seems to have made decisions as to whose in the cool kids or not. DW doesn't get told about staff social events, in past everyone would go to them.

She is looking for other jobs, perhaps we need to find a way to get a day free for her at weekend.