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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

DW in tears "DS hates me, look he wants you, he wouldn't care if I am not here" could do with some advice.

42 replies

BreakingDad77 · 23/02/2015 11:09

Well we have been bad in that DS (14 Months has ended up sleeping next to me in separate room while he was ill, and we slowly getting him back to cot, though he has massive rages.

This morning was kinda last straw for DW as popped him in with her while I got ready for work and he had a meltdown and wouldn't settle back down to sleep like he usually does. I heard DW crying (she has never before over this) and went back upstairs and she says "he hates me he always wants you, other peoples children always want their mother.." and he just started reaching for me and settled immediately and started giggling and messing around.

We all came downstairs and he seemed to be settled with DW on sofa for a bit, I bring her a tea but as soon as he sees me starts pointing and screaming and wanting to come be with me.

Its seems to be really getting to her and wondering if anyone has any advice on what I can do??

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Hakluyt · 23/02/2015 16:35

I've told this story before, but when ds was about two he said "I love you, mummy". Before I had a chance to reply, he went on "but I love daddy, Gracie and the kittens more"

Tell your dw that if you think she'll find it funny. I was 6th in the hierarchy, behind daddy, 5 year old sister and 3 tabby kittens!

ElmerRocks · 23/02/2015 18:55

It sounds as if your DW is having a rough time all round, bless her.
And it sounds as you are a very caring DH! Well done you, when a lot of men would dismiss her feelings, and tell her she is daft and give it no more thought.
I have a DH like you. He is wonderful, and yes, at times the DC have preferred him. Looking at it logically, I know this is because I am the one with them 24/7, and while DH does his fair share of the discipline when he is home, I am the one who dishes most of it out, and has to reinforce it while he is at work.
But, the we women don't always sit back and think logically, when we are tired, under pressure etc, we seem to forget to be rational, and having your child scream when with you, but all smiles for Daddy, well it bloody hurts like hell! Actual heart ache type hurt. It is devastating to be honest.

All you can do is keep being there for DW, reassuring her it is a phase, don't minimise her feelings, even if they seem irrational.
Give her time alone with DS where possible with something fun to do, where he can't call out for you.
Run her a nice hot bubble bath, and spoil her with some flowers/chocolate/wine if you are in a position to do so. It may be superficial, but it helps! I love it when DH buys me chocolates after a hard time with the DC.

Keep being you! You sound great!

tobysmum77 · 23/02/2015 19:21

Dd1 was exactly like that. Now she's 5 and I'm absolutely number 1. Just suggest she replies 'well I love you'

WorkingBling · 23/02/2015 19:30

Dh is ds' primary carer. They have an absolutely brilliant time together and ds adores his dad. But right now I am hiding out in the study, having snuck in the front door after a 12 hour day at 37 weeks pregnant. Why? Because if ds knew I was here he would instantly lose all interest in Dh and insist that I put him to bed. The only way for me to not do things like that is simply not to be here.

Last night ds climbed into bed with me. He gave Dh a lecture this morning about waking him up and disturbing him while he was trying to "cuddle mummy".

My point is that if given a choice, he will choose me every single time. And that upsets Dh sometimes. But it doesn't actually mean he doesn't love Dh.

I feel for your wife but definitely try get her to see the funny side. As aell as the positives of not having to do late night cuddles

On the work departure thing, ds can be a nightmare when I leave. We let him wave goodbye and go to an upstairs window. It helps. But he is older - nearly 4.

Good luck. You sound like a very supportive couple.

MsJupiter · 24/02/2015 19:11

Others have given you good advice, I would just add that if she is feeling a bit anxious/depressed, tread carefully around the idea of giving her more free time. I also struggle a bit with DH being the preferred parent and I can get a bit paranoid about being pushed out - even if I know it is meant kindly.

ElmerRocks · 24/02/2015 20:49

How is DW today? Feeling any better?
How are you too? It can be tough not knowing what to do for the best

ElmerRocks · 24/02/2015 20:49

How is DW today? Feeling any better?
How are you too? It can be tough not knowing what to do for the best

ElmerRocks · 24/02/2015 20:50

Apologies for the double post, not sure how that happened?

Original poster

BreakingDad77 · 25/02/2015 09:28

She has been a bit more positive since we chatted and talked about how its a phase and though its tough she shoudln't take it to heart.

The next problem is her step mum though who seems to put such high expectations on her, and was hinting that DS was acting like that because children cling to the one they spend most time with! Which doesn't make any sense as DW is with DS more than me, she was also being funny about her going out with friends.

I think she is one of old guard who think male parents 'babysit', she must be in late 60's though she had a child at 16, "did all the ironing, cleaning, and had a meal on the table etc......"

OP posts:

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 25/02/2015 09:41

It doesn't sound as if you get much time as a family? Maybe this is why your DS is so firmly attached to one of you rather than being content with either?

Combined with the work and stepmother issues, no wonder she is down.

Can you shuffle work at all so that you all get a day together once a week?

Original poster

BreakingDad77 · 25/02/2015 09:51

We looking at trying to get DS into one day in nursery in week so DW can swap a weekend day. So at least we get a day off together.

Was a bit annoying last night as, as soon as DW said she is going to try and move days DW's her mum said straight away "we cant have him for two days" even before DW had chance to say we going to put him in nursery.

OP posts:

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 25/02/2015 09:54

Mmmm. My advice is to discuss things less with the parents. Sounds like they are over involved, which is always a hazard of using GPs for childcare.

Make plans between the two of you, otherwise it looks like you are asking for advice and help.

WorkingBling · 25/02/2015 10:56

Argh, her stepmother's involvement is not helping. I'd agree with alibaba - step away from the parental involvement.

Also, she's talking rubbish about children cling to the one they see the most. If that was true, DS wouldn't want to know me as he spends FAR more time with DH.

I often used to joke when I first went back to work that while he was fine with DH most of the time, the moment he was sick at 3 in the morning, he still just wanted me. It was tiring!

kimistayingalive · 27/02/2015 13:46

I feel like this a lot. It was worse at the beginning as DH was the SAH parent for 6 months (DS is adopted) and I worked PT.
I have always felt I am much stricter as I want my DS to be well mannered and I feel I don't always loosen up and be as silly as DH does which my DS loves.
My DS is very rough and tumble in his playing and gets too much for me occasionally whereas DH can handle it more so it's more fun.
Yes he does still sem to prefer DH although it's more for play time stuff and in evenings but he likes his cuddles and kisses from me and more often comes to me when he hurts himself.
He would strop when he had to play with me sometimes and DH told him that he was busy so he could play with me or by himself and that 'tough love' helped too.
Or you could get your wife to take him out to soft play or somewhere special for just him and her so he will seek her for those things and then you could gradually include yourself in those activities.
I know it's not nice for your DW but it will get better with time and with a bit of tough love (excuse of being busy or staying out of the way) it may push him to go to her for some more things than he does now.

LittlePink · 27/02/2015 14:57

We had exactly the same problem from 9 mths until, well it's still going on now a bit to be honest but nowhere near as bad. Dd is 2.8.

It was very, very intense for a long time where dd only wanted dh and wanted nothing to do with me. It was very hurtful and I struggled with it a lot. I cried, I complained incessantly that dd didn't want me and just like your dw felt like every other child wanted it's mother and there was something wrong with me. I questioned our bond over and over and felt like a failure. I've just learnt to live with it and im over it now. She's clearly a daddy's girl but has slowly come round to me and now there's some things only I can do like putting her to bed and some things only daddy can do like read stories to her for example. I didn't cope well with it for a long time, it took a long time to accept being pushed away and her screaming in my arms holding her arms out to her dad but I just enjoy the me time now. I was told at the time to involve myself in their games and be a family as much as possible but she didn't want me around. It's really hard not to take it personally but you do and that's only natural I think. It's much much better now and becoming more equal. It just took time.

Original poster

BreakingDad77 · 27/02/2015 15:18

Thanks again for your experiences they have helped

OP posts:

Misty9 · 01/03/2015 19:24

You've had lots of good advice here so I'll just add my own experience: ds, 3.6, has always been a daddy's boy and over the years I've dealt with it badly and not so badly. The worst reaction for me is to reject ds in turn. After all, this is what I would do with an adult who rejected me, right? But it doesn't exactly work with your own children and tends to exacerbate the problem. Does your wife do this do you think?

I've learnt to embrace ds when I most want to run away, and simply say 'well, I love you' if he won't let me near. It really really hurt though, and I've consciously had to work on it.

One thing - DS and I really struggled with breastfeeding and this affected our bonding, I'm sure. Was this an issue for your wife?

I talked to my health visitor about the issue and was put in contact with an infant mental health practitioner who was great. It might be worth checking out what's available in your area?

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