evenings are unbearable

[gizmosmama]

DS is 12 months, I'm 4 months pregnant and DH is going through a period of long term illness 3 months and counting. Needless to say, I'm already feeling a little stretched!

The trouble is, our evenings have never been good and I don't know if I'm just less tolerant/patient so they seem worse now or they've got worse over time but I'm now at do-or-die point (still undecided who will die!) so am looking for some supernanny style advice please.

It gets to about 430ish and DS starts getting whingey, clingy, generally hard work. The trouble is, this is when DH has just got in from (currently part time so early finish) work and is feeling tired, in pain, generally moody and I'm trying to cook dinner.

DS then cries for attention, I try to juggle him and dinner but often the only thing that works is carrying him around on my hip and when I have to carry a hot pan or something I have to put him down and he screams. DH then tries to play half-heartedly with him from the sofa and wonders why it's not working. DH ends up getting cross with him and shouts at him. I in turn get cross with DH for shouting at him and we get into a row over why DS cries ("all the time" according to DH). I say it's understandable, he's getting hungry, getting near the end of the day, got no attention etc. DH says he's attention seeking and needs to be left to cry.

I can't help but feel there is something blatantly obvious I'm doing very wrong and hoping someone can suggest a simple change which will revolutionise our lives!

Ok it's a difficult time because your DS is too young to understand what's going on. Try to make dinner earlier in the day (when he is having a nap?) and reheat so that you can eat together, or at least try to get as much ready in advance. Also, you can set a new routine that at 4:30 it's book time followed by 10 minutes of TV. If you do this every day your DS should get the message that when dad gets home I get cuddles and books.

I would change routine around, so baby naps later and you cook whilst he naps

So 2-4pm nap
Then baby is happier after 4
Bed 8-9pm

Your DH is right, he is attention seeking. He's seeking attention because he's tired and hungry. So while you're busy trying to cook to sort that your DH should be engaging with his child to lessen the child's distress. But I think you already know this.

I agree - get the food cooked earlier in the day or at least prepped so all you have to do is warm it up. Then while you're dishing up and trying to carry hot pans put him in his high-chair with something to nibble on (a bread stick, carrot stick, some sweetcorn, etc)

Does he have a snack in the afternoon? If so, maybe its not enough and his blood sugar is low by 4.30pm and that is why he's so whingey.

Personally I wouldn't be putting a 12-month-old to bed at 8-9pm as that will ruin your evening. At 12 months I'd expect him to need probably two naps - an hour at 10.30am and another 1-2 hours at 2-ish and then bath at 6.30pm, story and into bed between 7-7.30pm.

Both of my children have their witching hour (or two) around 4pm. Though it's starting to get easier (youngest 19 months). The slow cooker is my friend. A one pot dish put on in the morning or at most some microwave rice to go with it.

I'm not sure what your dh's illness is, but there isn't an excuse to shout at a child that age. I would make your life easier with a change in meal planning first and then have a think about what to do with your dh.

The first thing that you can practically do is to plan ahead and cook in bulk, only cooking things that can be reheated.

When I was in your situation - pregnant and with a toddler, I cooked double quantities of cottage pie, bolognaise sauce (with lots of veg in the sauce), casseroles and stews, vast quantities of rice and mashed potato.

I did my cooking after the toddler had gone to bed, which was at around 6.30 pm. I fed him at around 4.30 - 5pm and he had milk and fruit just before bed.

DH and I had ours later.

Every meal we ate in those days was cooked in advance and put in the fridge or freezer. DS had a small portion reheated for his meal. Toddlers cannot wait for food and don't sleep well after a heavy meal anyway.

Your DH is being completely unreasonable, BUT, if your DS is fed, bathed and ready to sit quietly and have DH read him a story, or watch a DVD together, your evenings will be much more manageable.

This routine will stand you in good stead for when the baby comes.

My Dd also starts going into melt down at about 5 (she's 15 months).
For her it's hunger, made worse if she's also tired. I've found giving her a continuous stream of snacks that she can take or leave really helps. Often it's just parts of the dinner I'm doing - so this evening it was pieces of cheese, tortillas, tomatoes & peppers. Sometimes this means she eats less dinner because she's already filled up. So be it!
I feel for you, hope things improve soon. X

We have similar with 15 month old DD. She needs a good nap - now down to one nap after lunch of 1-2 hours - and a substantial snack about 4, with dinner at 6 and bed at 7.

She has snack in her highchair while I prep dinner. She might have a slice of toast with cream cheese or a couple of slices of malt loaf. Gives me time to get everything chopped and maybe a pasta sauce started. Then we can play for an hour with me just getting up to stir it every 10 minutes or so.

I would look at his nap times and agree with the blood sugar comments - he might be hungry.

I did exactly what 3 little did.

Ds is 2.8 now and still goes to bed at 6.30 leaving me half an hour or so to cook for dh and our older dd who is 11. We all eat later than ds and it works well for us. When ds has his dinner at 5 ish I give dd a snack type thing as well so he isn't eating alone and we all sit together.

Trying to have an over tired toddler up while you're cooking is my idea of hell.

I did the same thing with my older dd too.

As ds gets older and is more able to amuse himself I will gradually push bedtime back.

This has always been our witching hour. It's awful but they do grow out of it. My dd is 2.5 now and so much better than ds at her age!

Some great advice so far, the other thing I'd add is:

• Would your ds play with pans and spoons and "make dinner" on the floor/in highchair?
• A sling so you could still carry him whilst cooking, but leaving both your hands free?
• Ask your dh to cook/heat something for ds whilst you entertain him?

Frozen vegetables are easy and healthy.

At 12 months DS had tea at 4.30pm (we ate after 7pm). That way he had the energy to eat and he was hungry then - it also revived him. Then it was bath at 6pm. Milk at 6.30pm and bed at latest 7pm. He was usually up about 6/6.30am - pretty normal at that age I think. We used to do lunchtime sleep after early 11.45am lunch - so slept usually from 12.15-2pm. Worked well and he was always alert for meals and ate well and slept 11-12 hours a night. This worked for him, he still wants to go to bed early ish, and still sleeps 10-12 hours a night - and he's 9! I appreciate everyone's routine/child is different though.

9pm isn't a too late bedtime, it depends on the rest of the day surely? Mine at 1 year did something like:

9pm-9am sleep
2-4.30pm nap.
Occasional extra cat nap out and about.

For us that has always worked. We aren't home until 6.30/7pm and all eat together.

Nap needed in the afternoon

I remember throwing some bread/fruit/cereal/ham in the direction of the baby at that age. Then having cheese on toast/veg soup a bit later myself with DH

There is no need for "eating as a family" or "cooking from scratch", those are just inventions to beat tired parents with. And that will come again in a few years when life is a bit calmer

Focus on survival

Take shortcuts

I'm in a similar position in that ds is 14 months and I'm pregnant. I cook ds's meals in big batches that just need to be taken out of the freezer at some point in the day then reheated. We have busy mornings and early afternoons then quiet afternoons/early evenings after his nap.
Exactly as Nimpy said forget eating together etc get baby fed, bathed and in bed then worry about tea for you. Cook/reheat your ds easy stuff. Can you tell us a bit more about your ds's routine now???

Thank you so much everyone, so much great advice, a few recurring themes I'm picking up!
Current routine is roughly:
7.00 wake up
7.30 breakfast
9.30 snack
10.00-11.00 nap
12.00 lunch
3.00 snack
3.30-4.00 nap
5.30 tea
7.00 bed
Although that's all flexible on what we're up to and very baby led, i.e. I wait for tired signs, put him down and he sleeps as long as he needs. If he seems hungry I give him his snack but I do limit them so he eats his meals, maybe his 3pm one isn't enough.
From what everyone's said I'd say I'm definitely guilty of try-too-hard meals, I think I need to dial down the meal quality in favour of everyone's happiness/sanity!

The first thing I would do is try to have one nap in the middle of the day - push the morning nap back from 10 until 11.45 ish after lunch and then wake up no later than 2.45 ish. That way you'll find they are absolutely shattered by 5.30 / 6pm and will sleep easily. ... evening free for you !

(That's the routine I've used with both mine, I never let my babies / toddlers nap later than 3pm).

Fairylea does this mean they wake up early too or just a longer night time sleep?

Maybe a little earlier than your 7 am start... mine always went to bed at 6pm and had a bottle just before bed and as they got older the bottle became a story - so 6.30 settle for actual sleep. And wake up at 6.30 am. I guess everyone is different but for me I'd rather get up earlier and have the evenings to myself.

6pm would be way to early here as mentioned, we are on a tube home around them, and they need to eat/ bath/ see us.

For me 6.30am start would be horrid. Often I start work at home 5am and can work until 9am as kids asleep. If I don't need to then we can all stay in bed for a relaxing start to the day

Fairy - do you still do 5/6pm bed in summer? Do you not go to evening bbqs and picnics, or just walk out in the sun in the evening? Ice creams along rivers at 8pm with them or playing in city water fountains outside restaurant courtyards are some of my favourite memories

I guess I'm just different.... While they are that little I stick to a routine very strictly for my own sanity! I go out every morning with them to the park / for ice cream during the summer etc but I'm not very social and I don't ever do bbqs or whatever in the evening. I'm always home, I like being home and use blackout blinds so it's dark and after playing in the garden in the afternoon they are always tired out for bed as usual in the summer!

I wouldn't be cooking dinner for a man who shouts at my 12 month old baby.

Let him cook his own fucking tea.

Bigblue I nearly (and should have) said exactly the same thing.

I'm starting to think I've got my home/mum balance wrong. DH reckons DS cries all the time. I think he's exaggerating but he does have a frequent whingey type cry. I think maybe I'm spending too much of the day making him wait whilst I do chores. I don't work so I don't understand how I've not got time for both when lots of people do both and work?! Making meals easier would be a big change (I'll have to re-think all our meals!) but I think it would also be a huge help.

Your routine is almost identical to mine with 13 month-old.
My only suggestion is to cook at lunchtime. You and DS eat a hot meal then, you put one in a tupperware for OH, and tea can be a sandwich/ soup/ salad/ whatever.
I feel for you. I'm not pregnant, and my OH has flu. He's been sleeping in every morning for over a week, I've been doing all mealtimes and bedtime alone. Much respect to single parents! I am exhausted! I do get annoyed when I ask OH to play with the baby for a bit while I get some housework done, and he reacts like yours, saying 'he's such hard work'. He really isn't.