evenings are unbearable

[gizmosmama]

DS is 12 months, I'm 4 months pregnant and DH is going through a period of long term illness 3 months and counting. Needless to say, I'm already feeling a little stretched!

The trouble is, our evenings have never been good and I don't know if I'm just less tolerant/patient so they seem worse now or they've got worse over time but I'm now at do-or-die point (still undecided who will die!) so am looking for some supernanny style advice please.

It gets to about 430ish and DS starts getting whingey, clingy, generally hard work. The trouble is, this is when DH has just got in from (currently part time so early finish) work and is feeling tired, in pain, generally moody and I'm trying to cook dinner.

DS then cries for attention, I try to juggle him and dinner but often the only thing that works is carrying him around on my hip and when I have to carry a hot pan or something I have to put him down and he screams. DH then tries to play half-heartedly with him from the sofa and wonders why it's not working. DH ends up getting cross with him and shouts at him. I in turn get cross with DH for shouting at him and we get into a row over why DS cries ("all the time" according to DH). I say it's understandable, he's getting hungry, getting near the end of the day, got no attention etc. DH says he's attention seeking and needs to be left to cry.

I can't help but feel there is something blatantly obvious I'm doing very wrong and hoping someone can suggest a simple change which will revolutionise our lives!

Oh ch1134, you sound just like me! Doing it all on my own has really taken it's toll on me, I'm always saying "how do single parents do this?!"

Thank you so much everyone for your suggestions and words of support.

Yes, but you have it tougher!
Sometimes it might be easier if your OH does the (easy option) dinner when he gets home, and you play with DS instead?

It's so hard when OH is ill, as you feel you should have sympathy, but it is extra workload on you, and I don't think they realise that!
Sometimes I just want to say 'yes, I know you feel rotten, but you have a baby... you're just going to have to get on with it, this is your life now'. Yet I know he needs rest.
He's had proper flu, not just manflu... I had flu a few years ago and it took me 6 months to recover, my immune system was so low I just kept getting infection after infection. So he does need to get better.

Re: home/ mum blanace: I work, and it is tough.
But when I'm home with DS he really enjoys watching/ helping me do daily tasks such as recycling, putting out laundry, putting clothes away. It takes ages with his help but it's fun.
Every time he does something annoying (his favourite at the moment is taking things out of the dirty laundry basket and straight onto the airer) I say out loud 'it doesn't matter. really, it doesn't matter', which helps! I started saying this to myself when he was tiny and was constantly throwing up all over all our furniture.
Try to just enjoy DS and remember: it doesn't matter!

I think you have to be a bit kinder to yourself. My dh works very long hours and mostly it's just me and the dc. When ds has his 2.5 hour nap I use half the time to sit and have my own lunch (sometimes pancakes and watching judge rinder or whatever other rubbish I fancy) and then I use the other half to blitz the house, I always wipe the kitchen and do a general surface clean and I do the bathroom once a week and other rooms whenever they look like they need it. I don't beat myself up over it. Life is stressful enough. I sort out a load of washing while I'm cooking dinner and put it in the washing machine and then turn it on first thing while I'm making breakfast. I then sort it out while ds watches cbeebies after breakfast. You find gradually you get little routines of ways of doing things.

It doesn't matter if the house is a bit messy etc. It's not worth getting stressed over.

If your dh is well enough to work part time, surely he's well enough to play with DS when he gets home or make tea?

Agree that your routine sounds fine, but Yy to giving DS a snack when he starts to get whingey, and make teas as easy as poss!

And do you need to talk to dh about his crap attitude to DS? Was he like this before he was ill?

OP - the early years are the most important.
You never get them back again.
My DC are grown up now - believe me, I NEVER look back and wish I had done more housework and cooking.

If I had my time over again I would spend way more time just enjoying my children - everything else would have come much lower on the list.

ch - ditto about being torn between sympathy and frustration with DH! I know he's not well and needs to rest but I also just want him to get a grip and get over it! I hope your DH is better soon!! And I love the "it doesn't matter" mantra, might have to become my new catchphrase!
Fairy - that sounds like a really good routine, I'm going to start that today, thank you!
Cocktail - he's always been a bit unrealistic with his expectations of DS at so young and I think he worries that I'm too soft so we're going to end up with naughty children! At the moment though, because he feels so rough, he's even less patient than normal!! He's only working at all because he's self employed, otherwise definitely wouldn't be, just can't afford not to. But yeah, sadly I think it's a case of worse now but unfortunately already not great so just a bit worse is quite bad!
3Little - so true, I so need to try to remember this every day!

Thank you everyone

Dial down the chores too. And try to start involving DS - is he walking?

If so, time to give him a duster to "help" the cleaning, a basket of laundry to "help" with the washing, pots and pans to rattle around with on the floor while you cook. Let him join in- don't make him wait around.

Little ones can actually dust skirting boards, I always found.

Can I ask about your DH being unwell?

When he gets in from work, does he have to lie on the sofa all night or could he do more do you think?

I ask this because I'm just wondering what would happen if you were ill? Would you still manage to look after the children as a bare minimum?

Could he not take DS off upstairs and play on the bed with him? Or have a bath with him? Put a DVD on and lie with him?

In terms of making your life easier. I would give DS his main meal at lunch time and give sandwiches or eggs on toast or something simple at tea time and you and DH should eat later.

I found keeping on top of housework etc easier after getting my house Sorted. Everything with a place, no hard to clean fiddly things all over the place, no clutter. It's now pretty easy to keep it tidy and when it's tidy it's easier to keep clean. I give ds stuff like some pans and tupperware to play with whilst i sort the kitchen out.
I used to love cooking and made some lovely things. I remember wondering who the hell didn't have time to chop up a few veg for a stir fry. Me. That's who! people with a one year old. Veg comes pre chopped, sauces I used to make are bought, meals are much simpler.

If I only have time to either play with ds or do housework I nearly always play first, otherwise the whining just winds us both up more than whatever needs cleaning ever would!

I looked after a GS while my DIL was ill with PND and I bought a Fisher Price jumperoo. It was a God send for short periods when I needed to answer the door etc
He whined around four to five ish and I got a break while I got food ready. I was doing the night feeds and washing, cooking cleaning and looking after the baby as my DIL was so ill.
I loved the Jumperoo. He loved it as well as it allowed him to be upright and jump vigorously.

My son is 17 months and without fail every evening as soon as I go to make food he starts whinging/crying etc. One minute he will be playing perfectly fine, but as soon as I get up to put food on, whether it be preparing food or just heating food he starts, and doesn't stop unless picked up by me or until his food is cool enough for him to eat, even if my husband is there to distract him! I tend to prepare the food (if there is lots of chopping etc that is going to take a while) while he is napping, but when I'm running back and forth to shove bits in the oven/ stir pots etc he has to just whinge, I've stopped carrying him around while I'm trying to cook as it was just getting silly, sometimes the food is cooking for 40mins and I'm 4 months pregnant, so carrying a 17 month old for that long just to keep him from whining at me was killing my back, I'm hoping it's just a phase! He's not tired as he naps from 1 to 3 (I don't let him sleep past 3.30) and goes down to bed, usually without a fuss at 7.30, then sleeps through til 8. I'm guessing it's just one of those toddler things!

OP I have two kids under 5 and during the day I have an assumption I will get v little if any housework done! If I do manage anything it's then an achievement. If you start from that standpoint you will be much kinder to yourself and DS

The only stuff I attempt whilst DS (1) is awake is.. Tidy kitchen whilst he's eating breakfast.. Put washing on whilst he's just started playing after brekkie (and so is engrossed).. Tidy toys as we go or anything else quick in same room he's playing in.. Put away clothes and tidy nursery if he plays happily in his cot after nap.. Do supermarket shop..

Some people will tell you they can get xyz done during the day but don't compare yourself to them, everyone has different kids and different kids allow you to do more or less stuff. Some mums are happy to let little ones cry whilst they get stuff done but personally the noise grates so much it drives me nuts and not worth the stress. Some kids will sit happily in front on TV for ages, mine won't alas. Some kids will play with fave toy for hours author bother, I've seen it, but mine won't!!

Little else gets done whilst they are awake. And when I'm doing dinner on my own it's something that takes literally 5 minutes, be that warming up frozen batch of good food or fish fingers/something not so healthy!

It's taken me 4 attempts to finish this post because of interruptions from marauding DS trying to fall off sofa/injure himself etc!