pre teen not going to school, watching you tube constantly

[Baileymum45]

Please help!
Not sure where to start but my 12 year old has not been to school for weeks - doesnt want to! i seem to be getting nowhere with asking for help, all she does is sit in her room watching you tube playing games on x box, doesnt communicate, doesnt wash or dress only eats when she wants to.
i have eventually persuaded school to do a camhs referral but in the meantime im at my wits end with want to do, if i try and push any issues she withdraws and wont speak eat or drink (30 hours has been the longest) she spends all the time in bed, if i take away all media ie ipod etc she just lies there, with it and she spends all hours watching you tube and half asleep all day.
i am unsure whether to take it away as with it at least she is interacting/doing something but she is becoming nocturnal and i have no chance of her moving before 16.00.
when i do remove things she becomes extremley angry and her mental health deterioriates
Any help gratefully recieved
Thanks

Disable wifi and remove Xbox for starters? You are responsible for your dc's attendance, how have you tackled it with school so far.

How and when did this start?
Did something happen to her?

I agree about removing everything internet or technology related.

I am on a waiting list to see the liason officer, they have made adaptations to go to school ie for part days sitting in libary etc but she just wont go i cant drag her she fights too much and obviously cant just leave her there in pyjamas

Do you work outside the home, OP? It must be incredibly stressful.

When did the problems first start? Did she like primary school? Has she started her periods?

I agree with Lizs,
Disable the wifi. Withdraw ALL treats, no matter how she protests. Problem will be solved.
If she stops eating in protest, lock all the food away - and all money in the house. She'll soon come round. If she calls you a heartless whatever, who cares, she'll do anything she can to gain control. Remember, though you are the adult and are in charge, not your dd.

I am glad the school have made the cahms referral.

Do you think she is being bullied at school? I was and as a consequence, refused to go, i daresay had i had an xbox my parents wouldnt have seen me either. I withdrew into myself.

I would take all the media out of her room, then only let her use it downstairs for limited amounts of time. Get her to teach you how to play (torture i know) so that maybe you can play together, it might open the lines of communication a bit.

When was she last happy at school? When and why do you think things have changed. I agree with wifi off just indefinitely for now until she starts engaging and talking to you.

Definitely restrict wi-fi access, change the password if necessary.

Then take her to the GP (or go without her if she refuses) and explain what is going on.

I have a 12 y old with an addiction to YouTube (he is currently banned from watching it at all) and a 14 y old who is recovering from mental health problems, so I'm not just randomly making up advice.

I think its very easy to say "you are in charge" and to install all these sanctions.This is not just a case of a teenager taking the piss! There are probably good reasons why she is not attending school and maybe not treating this as bad behaviour (which of course it is) might be a better route.

Not entirely sure if the OP working has much bearing (unless it means she cannot be there to ensure DD gets to school which is a logistical problem).

I think that the CAMHS referral can be speeded up by going via the GP as well as via the school. That's what happened with DS1, anyway.

She sounds really depressed. Please don't try to force her out of it by switching off wifi - would anyone suggest that for a depressed and miserable adult? You risk making her behaviour more extreme (like self harm) if you try to force her to do things by making her unhappier.

Have you tried ringing Saneline or childline yourself for advice? What can you do to connect with her? Could something have happened at school? Does she have friends she would talk to if she won't talk to you?

She sounds so unhappy - are you a sympathetic ear and are you approachable? Or are there other adults in her life she might confide in?

primary was fine, nothing has happened that she will discuss, no problems have been picked up by school or friends
i do work long hours so not home, really difficult as now in trouble for taking time off work so unable to take anymore so she is home alone a lot when not at school which makes waking her during the day hard.
i do worry what she will do when home alone

thanks chocolatecrispies, i am so worried that if i withdraw wifi she will not do anything she is so upset, when i have tried to remove things she does not eat drink talk and for hours at least with her ipod she occasionally messages friends and it is interaction of some degree
i have rung young minds who said i was being too soft and needed to make her do things - this seems to make things worse
she didnt even join the family for christmas day just lay in bed - this has to be real depression i think

I don't know what the CAMHS criteria are where you are, OP, but in my LA your DD wouldn't meet the threshold unless she was self-harming or in danger of harming others. There is a chance CAMHS may put all this down to parenting or they may say her behaviour needs to change first before she can be considered for any kind of therapy. This has been my experience at least.

For this reason I agree with talking to her GP, either with or without her, so you have a plan B if CAMHS won't accept the referral.

Don't disable anything OP it is her only contact to the outside world atm
have you any idea as to what prompted this?
Was she happy at school up to a certain point?

If it were me I would wait for the referral but whilst doing this if not getting support from school/LEA would deregister.

Do you think she would open up more if she wasn't worried about having to go/ being made to go to school.

It isn't compulsory and sometimes can help to leave for a while just to gain some respite.

Lem, I asked whether the OP was working because I wondered whether she was there in the day to deal with her or whether her daughter was on her own. It wasn't some random anti-working mum rant!

i have been hassling gp constantly!

I would get rid of the technology - while she has access to that, there is no incentive to interact in any other way.

12 years old ? Poor girl I don't know what to suggest.

Is she Y7 or Y8? If Y7, then the simplest explanation is that the move to secondary school has triggered this. She may have become overwhelmed by the increased workload or the increased demands in self-organisation. Or she could be subject to relational aggression from other students. Being surrounded by 1000+ preteens and teenagers every day can be extremely stressful for some young people, especially those with anxiety.

Harsh though it may seem, I think the suggestions to remove all technology etc are absolutely right. She sounds very depressed, but allowing her to behave in this way is letting her wallow in it and doing nothing that will have any beneficial effect. She needs to at least conform to a 'normal' regime, however ghastly she feels, and doing this may actually help her to feel better. I'd be insisting on her sitting with the family at mealtimes, having a shower and getting dressed and leaving the house for a walk and some fresh air every day. She's twelve. You have the means to control this to at least some extent and your owe it to her to step up to the mark. Of course she will protest, but it's not in her best interests to let her behave like this indefinitely. You can allow access to wifi etc for limited periods in return for doing the things you require. This isn't cruelty, it's common sense.

As above, plus, if you think she is turning nocturnal, then allow wifi access from 7-9pm, and then switch off the wifi. Without wifi, she may well start to sleep at night. If you need wifi at night, learn how to change the password. We do it with our kids and while they moan and rant and think we are evil, they go to bed at a reasonable time.

Blue light emitted from screens has been shown to affect sleep, so you must disconnect her from her devices at night. We make our 12 yo leave laptop and phone & nintendo DS downstairs at night. He has a kindle, but thats reading, not games.

My dd went like that when she was twelve. In her case, she had already missed a lot of school because of a hormonal imbalance that caused her to have severe headaches. She also had terrible PMT. I managed to get her back to school after one session with a counsellor and then slowly we started to sort out the other problems. Her hormonal imbalance was fixed by acupuncture.

You have all my sympathy, I think you should look for an experienced counsellor.

Your poor dd. she sounds really depressed. Can you get to the gp and perhaps get anti d to get her through initially? Will she talk to the gp? Could she see a counsellor privately? Can you get her outdoors for at least a short while? Be kind to yourself.

I think the idea of restrictive wifi far better than just stopping it all together.

Is there an activity she enjoys doing or a particular subject that you could use to coax her out of her room.

The not joining family for xmas is a real red flag, what child doesn't like xmas?
You need to get her out of her room, even if she moans or is still very depressed, give her some normal activity to do like helping with dinner and washing up, etc.

Whilst she is hiding in her bedroom she doesn't have to communicate which won't help her to sort out whatever the problem is.
Ther is a good chance the problem has grown out of all proportion by now and may have started off as something really simple.
It might not be huge but made so through not communicating.