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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Possible autistic traits in friend's DS

66 replies

twosmallbuttons · 05/01/2015 13:10

My close friend's DS is 2.5, and each time I see them (every month or so) I notice small behaviours that could be signs of being on the spectrum. I have no experience of autism but having read a few guides about the symptoms, I am increasingly certain friend's DS is matching many of the signs.

I haven't mentioned any of this to my friend, I have no idea if she has the same thoughts/concerns. My friend has been struggling a bit with controlling her DS's behaviour and gets increasingly frustrated and cross with some things he does. My only reason for suggesting she investigate this is so she finds new, positive ways of dealing with her DS. She has told me more or less that she often feels like she's failing in her parenting

Would you bring it up in conversation, or butt out?

OP posts:

zzzzz · 05/01/2015 13:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

frostyfingers · 05/01/2015 14:02

My friends son was diagnosed by school recently with a mild form of Asperger's. The fact that he saw the world differently was blindingly obvious from the age of about 2, he's now 12. We never mentioned it to his parents, but they have, at every turn, deflected professional advice from his nursery and primary schools and only now at the insistence of his big school agreed to seek help for him.

I feel so sorry that for such a large proportion of his life he's been struggling with being different and social exclusion from school friends. If I had my time again I would have been more forceful in offering support to his parents, it's a whole chunk of time when he could have learned coping mechanisms wasted, and now on the verge of puberty he's got a whole load of new stuff to get used to.

Original poster

twosmallbuttons · 05/01/2015 14:03

zzzzz his speech is also a possible issue (I mentioned 'behaviours' as a general term to cover everything - physical, emotional, speech, eating etc). Sometimes he is quite chatty but generally he is extremely quiet, doesn't respond to questions (even those posed by his Dmum).
I don't want to go into too many details here. It's been very helpful getting info & advice here though.

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 05/01/2015 14:06

You sound an absolute busybody. You've no experience of autism. That in itself should tell you not to say anything.

PolterGoose · 05/01/2015 14:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thedevilinside · 05/01/2015 14:14

Not genetic????? Almost everyone I know with aspergers was diagnosed following their child's diagnosis. Three generations diagnosed in my family, along with cousins etc. It is absolutely genetic in my family and many families like us

18yearstooold · 05/01/2015 14:22

So you've no experience of autism but you think you can diagnose a 2.5 year old

Well I've heard it all now

coppertop · 05/01/2015 14:23

Another one here with a child who was diagnosed before 2.5yrs. Mine was diagnosed a week or so after his second birthday.

If your friend asks for your opinion, you could suggest that she speaks to the HV or GP. I wouldn't suggest to her that you think it might be ASD though, particularly if you have no actual experience of it.

zzzzz · 05/01/2015 14:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsTawdry · 05/01/2015 14:30

I had this OP and it was very hard as the friend was a good one and the symptoms in her DS were VERY obvious but she seemed blind to them. She wasn't hiding from the truth because when it came out it was a bombshell to her.

She simply had a blind spot and not much experience.

I encouraged her to enroll her DS in nursery at 2 as she needed the break and I knew his traits would be flagged as they were quite severe. They were flagged on his first day there.

insanityscratching · 05/01/2015 14:31

As mum to two dc (rightly) diagnosed with autism by 2 and a half then I would say if your friend has shared concerns with you then the best thing to do would be to advise her to speak with her GP and ask for a referral to SALT and a developmental paediatrician. If she hasn't then the best thing to do is keep quiet but be supportive if and when needed.
It isn't easy to get a diagnosis so do be reassured that autism diagnoses aren't handed out willy nilly and diagnosis generally comes following assessment by a team of health professionals.
Obviously diagnosis identifies needs and meeting these needs costs considerable resources which is the most likely reason some areas have an age criteria rather than diagnosis being dependent on age.
Ds and dd benefited greatly from their early diagnosis, early intervention has great results, statemented support on entry to nursery meant that their needs had to be considered from their first days in education and they both have made staggering progress. Of course it has cost the health and the education authority greatly (ds's independent specialist school cost £50k pa) but the support should mean that they will have some independence rather than needing a lifetime of care.

Original poster

twosmallbuttons · 05/01/2015 14:32

Yes zzzzz I understood and agreed earlier on in this thread that I should mind my own business. I do want to support my friend though, so was seeking advice, which i've now had.
Of course I offer support all the time, offer childcare help etc.

OP posts:

CornChips · 05/01/2015 14:41

I am another who says don't mention it. My DS aged 4 is currently being assessed. He was always a bit verbally and physically delayed behind his peers and I got quite sick of armchair experts saying things like 'what is he, autistic or something' and yes - often as rudely and as hurtfully as that. I am not for a moment saying you might be that blunt of course, just that IME, alot of people are not at all backwards about being arses about it. I would suggest that if he does have traits, then his mother is probably aware, or has probably already been made aware by others, and she possibly just wants to spend time with you, her friend without being worried that everything 'odd' is being assessed by you or examined.

As others have said, if she asks you for help, you can mention the HV, or if he is at pre-school then I am sure if there are concerns they will bring it up with her.

When DS was about the age of your friend's son the first lot of comments started. I was so upset that people seemed to be leaping to conclusions about him that I actually becamse quite reclusive with him. I said no to playdates, etc. I just did not want to see (even if I only imagined it) other people weighing him up and making judgements in their mind. That was a silly reaction I know now, but it was my initial reaction. Now he is being assessed properly and we do not know yet the outcome, but I think differently about it all, and to be honest I don't care if he on the spectrum, he is still my perfect little boy. I just needed the time to work through it on my own.

Sorry for the essay - and I know this is what MY reactions were based on MY experiences, so the situation of your friend may well be very different. :)

zzzzz · 05/01/2015 14:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

twosmallbuttons · 05/01/2015 14:46

CornChips thanks for your insightful post, that's a different perspective and one that quite possibly is shared by my friend. After our last day out together she apologised for her & her DS 'ruining' the day (they didn't) and hoped we still wanted to meet them in future .
I don't care whether her DS has ASD or not, I want to support my friend and if there was something that made a difference I want to try to offer help. But I'll do this in other ways than mentioning ASD!

OP posts:

CornChips · 05/01/2015 14:47

What zzz says too in her first sentence. :)

I'll take a look at that board too zzz thanks for that.

PolterGoose · 05/01/2015 14:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CornChips · 05/01/2015 14:50

twosmallbuttons you sound like a really good friend.

I know how she feels about being afraid to have 'ruined' the day too. :(

Alibalibumblebee · 05/01/2015 14:54

One other thing - if there was a history of ASD in the close family would that make any difference to the replies I got here?

There is a genetic predisposition to ASD in families and whilst knowing this wouldn't change peoples advice to say do not interfere, it could make those who have experience of ASD in a family thinks then there is more of a chance this child is on the spectrum.

In your circumstances I would wait till your friend says something and suggest she sees her HV. After that I think you are free to say what your concerns are if when she nests brings up the subject.

Alibalibumblebee · 05/01/2015 14:55

Poltergoose - same here. It would have saved me months of thinking I was going mad.

FiveHoursSleep · 05/01/2015 15:09

Don't say anything. Even if asked outright. I made the mistake of telling a friend of mine that she should do as her son's nursery asked, and get him checked out, as from where I was sitting I did think some of his behaviours warranted investigation.
She completely lost it with me, was abusive (verbally and in writing), and now does everything she can to avoid running into me locally. It can be very awkward sometimes and the fact that her son has been diagnosed with ASD since, has not improved the situation at all.
Don't do it.

Original poster

twosmallbuttons · 05/01/2015 15:14

Sorry to hear about your experience FiveHoursSleep

OP posts:

Mintyy · 05/01/2015 15:22

"Butt the fuck out."

How charming!

And look, this isn't even AIBU.

I think you have the answer to your perfectly reasonable question from the majority of posters on this thread, such a shame that several of them seem to have left their manners somewhere.

TheSporkforeatingkyriarchy · 05/01/2015 15:37

I am Autistic (as are some of my kids) and most of the checklists online really only scratch the surface and a lot of them...are designed from places of fear if that makes sense. For example, my partner who has no neuro diagnosis would be said to fidget while I as an autistic person would be said to stim even if we do the same thing for the same reasons and because of this we have had very different treatment towards these. With these checklists and the pseudo-awareness about autism, many people see and pathologize traits and parents are likely already to get tons of comments like Cornchip.

On the other hand, there are still tons of people who view anything like autism or ADHD or other invisible developmental and/or executive function things as just bad kids or say that all kids are like X and are dismissed because they think it is overdiagnosed even my medical professionals. I literally had a pediatrician tell me and put it in writing that it wasn't autism, it was that I had messed up his speech by having a foreign accent (she was a very cranky British ped who seemed to pin everything on my being foreign including my younger daughter's eczema. We don't see her anymore) - when his only issue with his speech is that he th-fronts just like his father and we were trying to discuss how he didn't understand or ask complex questions and we could help with that as it as causing him frustration (me and my autism and my eldest and his are very different so it took me a while to figure his out).

Supporting your friend and listening to her thoughts on her child's behaviour will go a long way regardless of outcome. Asking what she thinks of his behaviour/speech if it comes up may help her process it if you think she would want to talk about it with you. It would very dependent on the person and my relationship with them if I wanted to discuss such a thing. As an Autistic parent who now has an Autistic community and Autistic kids, I probably see autism quite differently than a allistic parent where it may come out of left field, and my top advice I've given to others who want more information or are concerned for their kids is to connect to the adult Autistic community, I personally recommend Neurowonderful's Ask an Autistic for easy to understand informational videos that have helped break away from the fear checklists to seeing life and ways to help autistic people in an allistic world.

Original poster

twosmallbuttons · 05/01/2015 15:52

Thanks for sharing your experiences TheSpork. Asking my friend what she thinks of her DS's speech, behaviour etc might be a more sensitive way forward, should the correct opportunity arise.

OP posts:

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