This will be long, apologies in advance. DS (4.5) has been ratcheting up the defiant behaviour over the past 2 days. I'm not sure whether to ascribe it to being overwhelmed by Christmas (this year's build up was far far greater than last as he is now at school) or a re-manifestation of behaviour I had thought was eliminated a year or so ago.
Context: DS has been incredibly ill for the past week with a chest infection and bad asthma. He's been taking himself off to bed at 5pm. Yesterday he was very defiant (opening crackers despite being told not to, playing up at the dinner table, calling DP - not his dad - bogey brain and other names). DP has been around since DS was 2, so not a new arrival. I didn't see DS last Christmas so I don't know how he behaved but my impression is that he is indulged and allowed to behave in this way at his dad's / paternal grandparents' houses.
He was very defiant as a toddler but has come on in leaps and bounds over the past 18 months or so in terms of obedience and behaviour, especially at mealtimes. He only eats one meal a week here (gets dinner at childminders mon-fri and with his dad one weekend night) so this is a long time for him to be here with us, over a week now.
Tonight I asked him at 4pm if he wanted spicy pasta (a favourite since toddlerhood) for dinner. We cooked it together - him at his new play kitchen which is next to the cooker in the 'real' kitchen. Then we sat down in front of TV - very rare treat to eat and watch Pirates. He started moaning about it and I said he would have to leave the living room and we would eat in the dining room. He acquiesced to this and then sat there, refusing to eat. I said I would remove all toys and screens tomorrow if he continued to refuse and he trotted out the "I'm tired" line - which was totally my line as a child, so no way do I buy it. He stared defiantly at me throughout as I ate my meal and then stared more as I began to put all toys up on high shelves. I put him to bed at 515 - he went straight to sleep.
The difficulty I have is that DP is super hard on DS (despite his own kids being pretty poor in terms of behaviour and his utter, utter lack of ability to issue consequences ever - they are preteen and teen and pretty badly behaved/rude) but he insists on DS being punished for anything that seems out of line. So he's insisting I don't allow DS any toys or screens tomorrow. Even if DS apologises.
I suppose my question is whether this latest bout of bad behaviour - after 18 months or so of really good behaviour is down to a combo of Christmas, being ill and tired or a re-emergence of his previously very defiant self. Or whether I should tell DP to butt out and cut DS some slack. If DP had not been standing over me I may not have escalated the consequences but have let DS just go to bed without dinner which seems to be punishment enough. Instead he's going to spend all day tomorrow until he goes to his dad's with no toys or screens.
Sorry it's so long and thanks for reading - all input gratefully received!