Am I too over protective?

[bateybat]

DS was ill today so DH just went to ds's parent evening.

DS is 5 and has a speech delay and is very shy in school.At home he chats away and is a very confident litle boy .

DH comes home and tells me the teacher is very pleased with him and he is a bright little boy,a good listener and his work in school is way ahead of some others in the class,no problems with his understanding.

DH then tells me on the negative side he stays by the teachers side in the playground and does not join in with the other children.He has friends at school who try and incourage him to play but he stays by the teachers side.
DH then says it's because I am to over protective of him and don't allow him the freedom to explore.
We live in a cul de sac and he does play out with other children with me out there with him but I don't let him play out on his own.Some of the other children who are his age and younger play out ,out of their mothers view and I just feel uneasy about this.

He is a sensitive litle boy,not clingy in other situations and I wonder if he grasps the sense of danger as the others just ride their bikes on the road and run around I want to be sure he realises the dangers.

DH really upset me with his agressive shouting and accused me of making him like this at school because I don't allow him the freedom the other children have.
I know I am over protective and I am quite an anxious person.
Both my parents died a few years back and I did'nt get to say goodbye to ethier of them and my insercurities may well stem from that.

DH has just made me feel like the worst mother ever and in such an angry manner like he hates me for making ds like this .

Am I putting my anxietys on to my son?

whoa there! enough of the bad mother stuff! you might point out to your dh that you understand he is now anxious about your son (maybe) being anxious and his anxiety seems to be making him rather agressive... see how anxiety feeds on itself?!
maybe then you can suggest you try to be nice to each other and talk it over. IF you are anxious about some things try to find other ways to encourage your sons sense of adventure. an activity holiday with tuition...stage school thingy (what's it called? you know what i mean the mob with black t shirts)... but don't be too hard on yourselves (as individuals or a couple) just take it from here!

yes agree with enormouschange(v long!)my ds is 5 too and quite shy at school and i wouldn't let him out the front on his own at all at that age. please have faith in yourself and trust your instincts

BB, I feel so much for you right now. Because I feel like this with my DD. I am very insecure abut letting her go anywhere without me. I have to leave her with a friend next week while I go to a hospital apt for DC no.2 and my friend has said she has to take her to their local toddler group that she runs and do I mind? Have had to say no as I have no choice, but inside I am worried sick. I trust this friend implicitly and she is DD's Godmother - but I hate not knowing how DD is and I worry what she thinks being left without me or DH.
I would not let my DD play outside out of my site, not now or even when she is 5 (currently 3).

I have also lost both my parents (dad at 6 mum at 29) my mum was exactley the same as you and me when it came to playing out - until I was at least 10 years old. And although as I child it embarassed the hell out of me being called in while other played -as a mum I can see why. And the world is a lot worse now than it was then.

I would tell DH to calm down, and that while you dont want DS to be underconfident at school, you dont believe it is your fault. Then go to school and work with DS's teachers to bring him out of him self in the playground.

Good luck, hugs to you!

For a start, your dh is WAY out of order shouting at you and accusing you of making him like this, maybe it is just his personality, or he is still unsure.

Also, for what it's worth, I also live in a cul de sac and my two are not allowed into the culdesac at all, if they go towards the end of the drive they know they have to come inside.

I too have lost both my parents, one at 6 and the other at 27 and never got to say goodbye to either of them and I too tend to protect my children more than other people I know, but, they are happy, bright, bubbly and confident.

Carry on with what you are doing and tell your hubby not to be so horrid to you.

Oh no Hun, you sound like a loving caring Mummy.

Your son is still very little and school is a big scary place. Its perfectly normal for him to be nervous in the play ground til he is a bit bigger and braver. Maybe it's his speech delay that is making him a little more nervous at first.

The playground is the toughest place of all, and when he is ready he will go and play.

I agree with you that at 5 your little boy is way too young to be let out on his own to play like that. You absolutely do the right thing to be there and watch him. After all, you are not stopping him playing but making sure he is safe.

Dont be anxious about this, as long as you are sure he is safe AND having fun, then what more can any Mother do?

I agree with the others - it is nothing to do with not letting him out to play unsupervised. I do not let my two out on thier own, and neither do my immediate neighbours, but others do - their choice!

CAn you perhaps arrange some playdates, tea after school etc with some of his classmates (one at a time!) so he can forge friendships and play similar games at home and become more confident.

Try and askhim why he stays by the teacher - there may be a logical reason, perhaps he feels he is supposed to stay close for some reason and not understand that playtime os to run around.

They are still v young and school is all new - they need to learn what they are supposed to do when.

I would also make an appointment to see the teacher and get her side of the story, your dh may have distorted things in passing on the info, so easy to do unintentionally!

Thanks everyone for your replys.

I am feeling a lot calmer now and reading your replys has made me feel less like a bad mother.

DS has had playdates before but is still quite shy until he gets to now somebody ,even in the home.
My dd who is 3 is very shy also but is easily led and of course wants to play out with big brother.Some of the other children run across the road without looking and she is very impressionable,as is ds and as much as I try to teach them one thing they seem to copy others.

I am sure the other mothers think I am over protective,they have said as much .

My DH has spent the evening in the kitchen drinkng wine and has just come through and said he feels very proud of ds and to end the night on a positive note.
No mention of upsettng me ,he is like Jekell and Hyde sometimes and has probably forgotton that i was in tears earlier.

Bateybat - echoing the other posters (have skim read, not looked at all posts in detail)

You are not over protective - re the example given. I wouldn't let a 5 year old play 'out' either.

You are not to blame for your son's shyness. Being shy is a personality trait - that's it, pure and simple! My dd is cripplingly shy at times, but ds is really quite confident...that's the way it goes

And to add - really quite cross with your dh on your behalf. He was extremely unkind to you and it was unwarranted.

totally agree with the posts - your ds has had a glowing report from school, for a five year old! He's done fantastically and the only problem here is your DH's heightened anxiety about the possibility of your ds being a shy child! As HMC said this is part of your ds' make-up, simple as that and part of parenting is accepting our children as they are, rather than imposing our own wishes on them;

your ds may well be shy but being shy does not mean he will not be confident or have good self esteem. They are totally different things. Your ds sounds as if he deals very sensibly with things in the playground, staying near an adult, where he feels safe. He's FIVE fgs!

And yes, I think you are doing the right thing not letting your 5 yr old play out of your sight.

What is it with men that they want boys to be boys (you know what I mean ) I personally think you are a kind and caring mother . I wouldnt let my child play out at 5 and when he went on his school trip aged 6 . I cried all day it felt awful because I didnt know exactly where he was . in school I am fine but outside thats a different matter .

TBH I'd be really pi$$ed off if my DP blamed me for one of the DCs behaviour. Are you raising him alone? Does he not have any input into your son's life? I think he has blamed you to make himself feel better. (Not trying to totally slate your DH here but sound like i'm doing a pretty good job of it!)

It's natural to worry about your child's safety and i think 5 is too young to be playing out on his own too.

Does he have a bike? i'd start off letting him goes as far as the lamp post (or whatever), just outside hias usual boundary, while you stand and watch him. You'd be giving him a bit of independance and building up his confidence and you get to see that he can do these things.

I used to wonder how on earth I would let ds1 play out on his own, he was about 7 IIRC. But I set firm boundaries and woe be tide him if he went outside them when I wasn't there. Then I forced myself to go in the house and trust him to do it. And he did. And I even managed to stop hovering around the front window to check on him too!

Thanks everyone-I agree being shy is a personality trait,and ironically when we went to visit DH'S family they were all commenting on how like DH DS was, very shy at that age.

He is very shy in school and hardly talks but makes up for it once he is home let me tell you!!

DH says because I have only allowed DS to go so far within the cul de sac that I have given him boundraies and that when he is in school he feels he should stay close to the teacher because I have drummed into him he is not to go to far .

lact8-I always point out that he is his father and has an input as well,but his arguement is he goes out to work and I do most of the parenting.

He does have a bike and he plays out up and down the drive and along side the green that is at the front of the house.
The other children his age and younger ride around on the road and although it is a cul de sac with cars and vans parked sometimes you can't always see the cars coming.

I feel really pressured as the other children want ds to play out without me and the other mothers allow it and DS must wonder why he can't play out alone.

Agree with all the other posters, he's only 5, so not letting him play out on his own isn't being overprotective, it's just normla protective.

FWIW As a young child I was painfully shy and timid when I first went to school and hated crowds of people, I didn't have an overprotective mum, it was just my personality. This just gradually lessened as I got older and wasn't always a bad thing. Making your son self-conscious of his shyness will definately not help in this case (I'm speaking from personal experience here!).

Your son may share some of your anxiousness, not because of your parenting, but because of your genes, don't blame yourself or feel like the worst mother ever. Just the fact that you think this means you can't possibly be or you wouldn't care!

It's hard isn't it? Ds1 would say everyone else is allowed to, which is how we came up with a compromise about extending the boundaries a bit. I just explained to ds1 why I wanted to be able to see him and that as he got older the rules about him playing out would change.

Reading rosie's post made me think that from his pov the playground must seem huge, no wonder he wants to stay near the teacher!

Please don't let your dh blame you for this. My dc spend more time with DP at the weekends but they pick up his habits just as quickly as mine

Am feeling a bit calmer today.

Am still annoyed at DH's comments but your posts have made me realise he was talking crap.

He always seems to point the finger at my shortfalls as he sees me as "the mother" so I am responsible for getting it right.
I have come to the
conclusion as many of you said that it is not a negative to be shy.

I am so proud of DS he got a brilliant report from the teacher and it's a shame DH had to put a downer on the whole thing.

glad you're feeling more positive batey, and yes this whole issue has been more about your DH's issues than any real problem!

FloatingOTM, your post really touched me, you sound like a lovely mum and I'm SURE you have done exactly the right thing starting her at pre-school at 3. It's fashionable nowadays to start them earlier but I feel personally that being at home with mum for 3 years won't harm your dd, quite the opposite - her safe and secure understanding of her world at home will actually be great for her confidence.

She simply has to make the adjustment to joining in and accepting the group nature of things - my ds was exactly the same and fwiw, is now in reception and joins in readily now. They all get there in the end!

Thanks sunnysideup-

I have spoken to DH tonight saying how upset I was about his comments last night.
He is still saying he stands by his comment and that I have in effect caused my ds's shyness at school as i am over protective about letting him play out further away from the house.
He says I have stopped him socialising with other children.
He reckons I can't admit when I am wrong and my attitude stinks.

Am feeling really confused now as I don't feel that I have caused ds to be this way and I am sure other children cling to the teachers in the playground ,he is only 5 and has issues with crowds and noise.

I don't know how I can forgive DH these comments as he obviously thinks I am a crap mother and to be accused of this has made me think he has no respect for me.
To me it is one of the worse things to be told you are responsible for damaging your child ,especially by your husband.
Does he really think that little of me.

Not sure where we go from here as I don't feel I want to stay with someome who thinks this of me.
I feel betrayed.

It's simplistic, but perhaps you could print off and show your dh this thread to demonstrate that you are not out of kilter with many other mums on your parenting decisions; or would that wind him up?

batey, I would write your dh a note about this. I findit's so much easier to write it down; and he will read all you have to say, whereas in a conversation it's so easy for someone to jump in with their views and things get heated......

You've made such a good point about how upsetting it is to hear that he thinks you've 'harmed' your child's development in some way, I'd make sure you tell him this.

If you want my honest opinion I think this was him being thoughtless more than having any genuine belief about your parenting; he wanted to pin the blame somewhere because he is so anxious about this. I would quite kindly say to him that you understand his worries about this but that you have thought about it and even done some research about it, and you are confident that shyness does not go hand in hand with lack of confidence or self worth..

and remind him that the parenting that he does has a huge effect on your ds, it isn't just you even though you are there more. It's a joint thing.

I wrote a letter to my dh when I was really worried about something, and he was amazing about it; he'd had time to think it all through so it was all calm when we spoke; and I think the fact I'd bothered to write brought him up short and made him realise how important it was to me.

good luckx

That's a good idea....