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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

I'd never thought I'd have to post....

26 replies

franca70 · 09/10/2006 22:02

... but here I am... dd is two and a half, she is lovely, smiling, self confident and exuberant. but since this summer she's been throwing massive tantrums and it's getting worse. It's not the tantrums I'm worried about, but I feel that it's something to do with me. She is very clingy and it's me she wants most of the times (when she wakes up, when she goes to bed, etc), and yet she challenges me. I'm more or less a sahm, but I've been working from home lately and I think she feels that I'm under pressure. I don't know, I even don't know what kind of answers I'm looking for, thing is that ds's (who is 4) behaviour has always been easier to understand, and tonight I feel sad, and instead of beign able to work, I've been thinking about today and the fact that I shouted at her twice, and I just don't want to collect mistakes. thanksss

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3littlefrogs · 09/10/2006 22:18

I think you've answered your own question. Small children are barometers of the amount of pressure experienced by their parent.
If you are trying to work from home, and this is a new thing, and it has even the smallest effect on your routine / time with her / level or amount of attention you are able to pay her, she will react.
For whatever reason she is feeling insecure because her environment has changed. It doesn't mean you have to stop working - you just have to look at ways that you can reduce the impact. Listen to your intuition - it is usually right. HTH

cod · 09/10/2006 22:19

Message withdrawn

3littlefrogs · 09/10/2006 22:21

Yep - that too.

Rhubarb · 09/10/2006 22:22

Just the age. My dd was a lovely child, never had tantrums and never really challenged me. Ds couldn't have been more different since he was born. At 2.8 he regularly throws tantrums, his moods can change within seconds, he can also be very clingy. But he is a very independant little soul, dd was shy and retiring but he is much more confident and vocal and headstrong and that's just who he is.

Right now they are beginning to assert their individuality and test boundaries. Keep your routine and keep your rules as this makes them feel safe and secure. She'll settle down soon enough, I know it seems as though these phases last forever, but they don't!

Try not to compare though, they are very different little people!

motherinferior · 09/10/2006 22:24

Both my daughters reached a stage of massive stroppiness at her age (DD2 is three and is still in it). I think it's a very hard age to be - your perception of the world has changed, but you're still very powerless, and all you can do is strop.

I do think it's virtually impossible to combine work and childcare - I've worked from home since my two were tiny, but not with them around - and yes, this may be changing it. Or may be changing your perception of it because you are tired and under pressure.

Rhubarb · 09/10/2006 22:26

Can you not ask someone to take her off your hands for a couple of hours a week to give you some uninterrupted time?

Original poster

franca70 · 09/10/2006 22:28

I know I know, it's true, I've already answered my own question. I should calm down and reassess the whole situation. and of course she's only 2. and yes, cross. with me! now major feeling of guilt set in...

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eastendgirl · 09/10/2006 22:31

I suppose you do the whole thing of ignoring the trivial bad behaviour and the tantrums, being consistent about how you deal with the nasty bad behaviour and giving lots of praise for the good stuff....It's an exhausting age...

Vindaloo · 09/10/2006 22:32

franca70 - a while ago when I first joined mn I posted a thread about slapping as I was feeling really crap about me shouting at DD whos now 2.7 yrs and the occasionnal slaps. The fact that you mentioned being under pressure is also key, as children are so receptive to your emotions and its sometimes very hard to not channel your own stress onto your child. I recognised that about myself and tried to focus on what my problem was, and try to do something about it (I joined the gym to let off steam!!)

My DD has always been a 'live wire' but it seems to have got worse the last 4-5 months, I suppose you could say its a typical toddlers behaviour. As you say your DS was an easier child sometimes we just assume your next child will be the same, its hard not to compare their behaviours.

When you work at home is DD there too? do you have a partner? if so what is she like with them?

eastendgirl · 09/10/2006 22:33

Do you actually do your job with your dd around? Does she go to nursery or a childminder?

Rhubarb · 09/10/2006 22:35

Don't feel guilty, you are only human! I have screamed at ds before now and ranted and raved at him because I've found it too much. It does get too much so try not to expect so much of yourself, tackle one thing at a time instead of lots of things at the same time.

For instance, spend half an hour with her reading books then put on a video for her to watch for half an hour whilst you do some work and try to compromise in that way. Build up a routine and she'll soon fit into it, she'll push your boundaries still, you just have to repeat "It's only a phase" through clenched teeth and be firm but fair. When they get to 3 things just seem to pan out somehow!

edam · 09/10/2006 22:39

Oh Rhubarb, can I send my 3 yo along to you for training? Because I must be doing something wrong - mine's getting more challenging, not less! Serves me right for him not being a particularly dreadful 2yo, I guess.

Franca, she sounds pretty normal to me. You aren't doing anything wrong. Working from home does NOT mean you don't need childcare.

kittywits · 09/10/2006 22:41

Franca, don't be hard on youself. Two year olds are notoriously difficult to handle.
You are a human being and you get cross and you won't always be able to deal with your frustrations in the way you want.
I often wish I could be calmer and I try to take deep breaths and count to ten, but sometimes I get too cross.
It'll be ok

kittywits · 09/10/2006 22:41

Rhubarb · 09/10/2006 22:43

Sorry edam! Just speaking from limited experience! 3yos start to learn the art of reason you see, so personally I find this easier to deal with than a 2yo who is screaming because you have taken away the dog toy that he was eating and he doesn't understand why.

motherinferior · 09/10/2006 22:44

I find three the hardest....

kittywits · 09/10/2006 22:45

But there's a tad more reasoning with a three year old, they can see slightly further than one second into the future don't you think?

Original poster

franca70 · 09/10/2006 22:49

Thanks everyone for your advice.
Dc have been going (part time) to nursery since they were 18 months, as we speak Italian at home and wanted them to speak good english before starting school. So, theoretically, I'd have two days a week to work. But, as predicted, I'm behind schedule, and therefore try to work whenever I can. It is true, I'm really stressed and also, as Rhubarb said, I try to tackle too many things at a same time. It must be a combination of things, I do hope it's just a stage, she was such an easy baby!!!!!!!
thanks again everyone. sorry for the rant.

OP posts:

motherinferior · 09/10/2006 22:50

Well, yes, but the Inferiorettes have a rather ahem hallucinogenic view of the world. And DD2 is capable of throwing the world's most stunning wobblies.

Original poster

franca70 · 09/10/2006 22:52

I'm trying to remember what ds was like when he was three but I'm so confused I can't remember. He's never been a major tantrum kind of person though. Although things might change............

OP posts:

Rhubarb · 09/10/2006 22:52

You really should try the naughty step MI!

edam · 09/10/2006 22:52

Ds's grasp of reason is, um, often not particuarly helpful from my point of view.

motherinferior · 09/10/2006 22:53

DD2 is familiar with it. It doesn't really make a lot of difference, tbh.

Rhubarb · 09/10/2006 22:56

I use it for ds, every time he got up I'd sit him right back down again and I would do this until he said sorry.

Now he knows what is coming and although he rages and screams he does sit there and knows that I want a proper sorry before he is allowed to join us again.

I don't use it often, which also helps. Normally I just get on his level and speak firmly to him. When I'm not ranting and raving like a witch on acid that is!

eastendgirl · 09/10/2006 22:57

Ah! We also speak Italian at home! I also think 3 is an easy age, mine was hard work at 2 and 1/2, but then again I was really quite stressed during that period. I think they get scared and behave abominably if they see their darling parents losing it.

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