Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Original poster

5 YR OLD BOYS- PERSPECTIVE ON BEHAVIOUR NEEDED, please.

37 replies

noonar · 07/10/2006 19:47

my best friend has a son aged 5 next month. my dd, aged 4.5 bought him a little present- an 'incredibles' figure, from a charity shop. she was so excited about giving it to her friend, and said that she wanted to keep it hidden in her little handbag so as to keep it a surprise till the last minute.

anyway, we met our friends at the park and when dd handed over her gift, he threw it on the ground, and said he already had one and didnt want it . i could have cried for dd, i really could.

the reason for this post is that i'd like to know what your child might have done in this situation and how you might've reacted. basically, my friend made an embarassed apology on behalf her son, and she was very kind to dd, but wasnt at all stern with her son. nor was her dh, who was also there.

i actually had a quiet word with him later, while he was with dd, asking him if he was going to say sorry for throwing the toy on the ground. he said ' no'. maybe it wasnt my place to speak to him, but clearly no one else was going to. i felt that i needed to show dd that i was there to try to protect her feelings, iyswim.

what would you have done in my/ my friend's situation?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
MrsApron · 07/10/2006 19:50

would have told him off for being rude and asked him how he thought she felt when he did it. All in front of your dd so she could see that he was wrong to behave like that.

niceglasses · 07/10/2006 19:51

Tricky. I've got a nearly 6 year old and to my surprise he gets the present thing quite well. On the odd occassion where we have had repeat of pressies etc he has been really good and still said thanks etc. He is not an angel by any stretch, far from it, but he gets this one for some reason.
I think maybe you did the right thing - it might just make him think if someone else said it to him, esp if his parents don't pull him up about it.

southeastastralplain · 07/10/2006 19:53

i would have really told him off and made him realise what he'd done, and make him say sorry. though my son can be like this sometimes, boys don't think!

flack · 07/10/2006 19:57

I would have told my son off + profusely appologised.

Original poster
noonar · 07/10/2006 19:57

thanks everyone- do you think that the fact that he is a boy is really relevant? SEA, you say 'boys dont think', but is it really a gender thing. my dd is really empathetic, but is that just cos she's a girl???

OP posts:
southeastastralplain · 07/10/2006 20:00

i should have put my son (5) doesn't think. when he plays with his cousin, a girl who's 4, he stomps around getting annoyed with her attempts to be social and polite. it really bugs me but that's just the way he is at the moment.

Original poster
noonar · 07/10/2006 20:49

ok, SEA- not all boys are like this are they.

i'm actually really angry with him, tbh, for trampling all over dd's feelings. i can understand the comment ' i've got one already' but the way he threw it on the ground, with such disdain. i was pretty disgusted. he is often far from angelic, but the difference this time is that his parents did so little about it.

maybe my dd is more mature than i realise. she wouldnt do this in a million years. surely there must be 5yo boys who would understand about people's feelings, fgs!

OP posts:
southeastastralplain · 07/10/2006 20:54

boys are unsensitive to girls feelings at that age, but the parent's should have stepped in and explained how his behaviour was affecting her. they aren't too young to understand at that age

PretendFriend · 07/10/2006 20:58

Most boys are less sensitive than most girls, actually, but I agree that the parents should have pulled him up about it at the time - I would have been mortified if it was my son.

Your dd sounds such a sweetie, noonar - I hope this won't stop her wanting to do something nice for other people in the future.

Gobbledispook · 07/10/2006 21:00

Hmmm, could it have been embarrassment? He just didn't know how to handle it, his social skills are not that developed yet.

I can understand how you feel, I'd feel the same in your shoes but I know my ds2 has been rude in the past and it's because he was ultra shy and embarrassed by the slightest thing, especially if i was there - odd but true. He's grown out of that now but he's not even 4 yet.

Gobbledispook · 07/10/2006 21:00

Totally agree that it doesnt' sound as if it was appropriately handled by the parents though

Original poster
noonar · 07/10/2006 21:01

Thanks, PF. she was so tolerant of him, even when he wouldnt say sorry she just said 'well, he is playing nicely with me now'. bless her.

OP posts:
southeastastralplain · 07/10/2006 21:02

i agree with gobbledispook that rings a bell with my son too, they get shy and it comes out as rudeness

Gobbledispook · 07/10/2006 21:03

I'm pretty sure my ds2 has kind of said 'I don't want it' when someone has tried to give him something and was due to being so painfully shy and embarrassed.

Talking about at age 3 (early 3) though. But boys can be slower to develop socially.

This might explain his behaviour but not that of his parents - it was a good time to teach him how to behave in this situation and they didn't take it!

Original poster
noonar · 07/10/2006 21:07

maybe it was shyness, but he also spent half the afternoon having a tantrum about one thing or other...eg not wanting to have his photo taken, us walking too fast for him. not a good day, generally. they are our dear friends. he is dh's godson. i hate feeling so upset with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
noonar · 07/10/2006 21:09

gobble,thanks for your post. your son is 3. this little boy is full time at school. big difference! actually, it's probably starting school that he's reacting to.

OP posts:
Gobbledispook · 07/10/2006 21:11

could be that too noonar. ds1 started reception last year and he was a serious horrorbag for the first half term. Very tired, very grumpy - he used to come out of school adn hit me - totally against his character - he would never have behaved like that. He became incredibly difficult until a little way after the October half term - then he settled and went back to normal.

So it really could be that.

Still, no excuse for parents not handling it.

Original poster
noonar · 07/10/2006 21:14

thanks, i will try to let go of it, now!

OP posts:
juuule · 08/10/2006 14:02

Just because your friend wasn't stern with her son while you were there doesn't mean she didn't intend to have words with him once you had gone. I don't always tell my children off in front of people but they do get my opinion once we get home. Plus lessons in appropriate behaviour. Given time he may have apologised the next time he saw your dd.
In your friends situation I would probably have picked up the figure, told my ds it wasn't nice to do what he did and complimented your dd on such a kind, thoughtful, generous gesture. I would have reserved the talk with my ds for later when I had a proper opportunity.
And no, it's not just boys. My girls have made some inappropriate responses when given gifts on occasion.

Original poster
noonar · 08/10/2006 18:29

i can see what you are saying, but i've always thought that children of this age and younger need to be spoken to fairly immediately, so that they know exactly which behaviour has merited the stern words.

having said that, although i'm sure he would have remembered it clearly once he got home, for dd's sake, i think it needed to be dealt with there and then. also, if his behaviour is not addressed straight away, and his parents carry on as normal, then get cross later- isnt it a bit confusing for the child?

OP posts:
Original poster
noonar · 08/10/2006 18:30

also, for a 4 yo, isnt an apology given days/ weeks later, rather meaningless?

OP posts:
juuule · 08/10/2006 18:54

From what you said it seems to me that it was addressed straight away. Your friend apologised on behalf of her son and was very kind to your dd. After that, she could have spoken to him later. I don't mean getting cross, I mean letting him know that what he did made people sad and upset. Some young children just take a bit longer for social etiquettes to sink in. You are quite right that an apology a few days later would have been meaningless, so, thinking about it, I might have suggested that he did something nice for your dd. Maybe buy something for her. Then again, I might leave it at that and watch out for his general attitude towards others. If he was habitually unkind, then I might think of more effective methods of letting him know that what he did wasn't nice.
If it had been my dd then, like you, knowing how excited she was, I would have been devastated for her. I would have had a quiet word with her when I got the opportunity to let her know that she had done everything right and nothing wrong and to ignore the actions of someone who doesn't know any better.

Original poster
noonar · 08/10/2006 20:09

juuule, i think she is monitoring his behaviour carefully, like you say, and i'm certain she would have spoken to him at home.

i guess part of the reason i spoke to him was that i wanted to show dd that i was supporting her, IYSWIM.

two weeks ago, dd had a boy round to tea. he deliberately kicked over a lego tower she had made, by nudging it repeatedly with his foot. his mum was right next to him. dd said to me later- ' why did his mummy just let him do it?'. i didnt know what to say! i guess that sometimes i feel that i need to give my daughter consistent messages. very occasionally, it might mean having a quiet word with someone else's child- in a very calm, low key way. it's a tricky one, though.

btw, i'm not at all precious about my dd, but am aware that this post might suggest otherwise!

OP posts:
southeastastralplain · 08/10/2006 20:13

she should have told him straight away about knocking down the lego, i'm on my son's back the minute he misbehaves to try and get him to realise he can't behave like that! i was thinking about this thread and do feel for your daughter, i would have said something to the boy if his mum didn't.

Gobbledispook · 08/10/2006 20:15

If my child did that (knocked over someone's tower) I'd give them a stern talking to and some time out and I'd emphasise how disappointed I was and how sad he had made someone feel. Ask him how he would feel if someone did it to something he'd made.

I am amazed by how many parents just don't do anything - it's worse than the child's behaviour. I've seen it a lot and it's all I can do to stop myself jumping in to do the discipline myself!!