5 YR OLD BOYS- PERSPECTIVE ON BEHAVIOUR NEEDED, please.

[noonar]

my best friend has a son aged 5 next month. my dd, aged 4.5 bought him a little present- an 'incredibles' figure, from a charity shop. she was so excited about giving it to her friend, and said that she wanted to keep it hidden in her little handbag so as to keep it a surprise till the last minute.

anyway, we met our friends at the park and when dd handed over her gift, he threw it on the ground, and said he already had one and didnt want it . i could have cried for dd, i really could.

the reason for this post is that i'd like to know what your child might have done in this situation and how you might've reacted. basically, my friend made an embarassed apology on behalf her son, and she was very kind to dd, but wasnt at all stern with her son. nor was her dh, who was also there.

i actually had a quiet word with him later, while he was with dd, asking him if he was going to say sorry for throwing the toy on the ground. he said ' no'. maybe it wasnt my place to speak to him, but clearly no one else was going to. i felt that i needed to show dd that i was there to try to protect her feelings, iyswim.

what would you have done in my/ my friend's situation?

I think that you are probably over-reacting a bit. My ds is 5 and has the social graces of a hippo. He gets really worried to the point of tears if someone gives him a surprise present, especially if it is something he doesn't want. He has no idea how to deal with it, despite numerous discussions. He is also tired from school and is fairly difficult to manipulate into doing things he doesn't want to. Telling him off in front of others makes him really embarrassed and his behaniour worse.

I would have done what your friend did, tbh. Then later I would have tried to get him to see it from your dd's pov. It's 2 steps forward and 1 back most of the time, but we are getting there. Don't judge everyone by how you bring up your dd. Your methods may not be the best for their children.

At the age of around 5 yrs kids get embarresed and if you do the telling off in front of other people you are only doing it to make the other person feel better . If you do it calmly away from the incident ( allbeit 2 foot away ) you will make your point about bad and unacceptable behaviour understood .

i'm not saying my methods are the best, but i felt the need to say something to him, to avoid a situation whereby my dd felt that once again, that 'no one did anything'.

maybe am i am over reacting. but it was such a sweet thing to do and i just felt devastated for her. sometimes the protective instinct is very strong, as we all know. the important thing is, that i reacted very calmly at the time, and am just using MN to vent!

i have alot of respect for different approaches to parenting, honestly, but do find it hard when parents dont react at all at the time to THEIR child's behaviour. my friend was lovely to dd, though.

wake up, totally agree. also, no parent likes to have their 'talking to' witnessed by an audience, any more than a child does. i would always take them to one side.

It was just something I noticed once with my DS and to be honest I shout at him because I am embaressed so I should learn too .

that's one reason why i would take them to one side, then you dont over react through embarassment. humiliation avoided all round- quite agree!

With the lego incident I would probably have intervened before the tower fell over. If he was repeatedly nudging it and I could see what was coming I would either give his mum the nod and wait for her to do something or let the boy know that it wouldn't be a good idea to carry on nudging. He may have been doing it absent mindedly and his mum might not have noticed. By drawing attention to it you give them a chance to make things right. You also show your dd that you don't have to sit and watch while someone spoils your things.
By the way your dd sounds a very patient and kind little girl and I can understand that it would be easy for you to get upset on her behalf. My eldest dd was like that and couldn't understand why children were not very nice to each other at times.

thanks, juules, i actually only saw the tail end of the lego incident. i was in the kitchen and heard dd saying 'stop that' a few times. i went in to investigate and he kept nudging it in front of me, his mum could def see him! if i'd been there from the start i might've handled it differently.

gotta go, jane eyre's about to start!

noonar, I know you've acknowledged the parent is at fault here not the child, so I hope you can get over your crossness with him - poor boy, still four and just started school full time - let's cut him loads of slack!

Did your dd simply hand over the gift? It might be worth trying in future to 'include' a very young recipient a bit more, rather than (understandably) focussing on your dd's action in giving - what I mean is, trail it a bit - tell the parent first so they can make something of it for their child and perhaps get them into 'gift receiving' mode...tho a child this young is not going to get it right all the time.

I do understand your feeling that she should have been sterner with him at the time but I would much much rather she were the sort of parent to apologise herself, and make a big thoughtful fuss of your dd, than the sort of parent who shouts at their child to cover their own social embarrassment....obviously the happy medium is dealing with it fully at the time!

I do personally feel you shouldn't have spoken to her son yourself; of course you wanted to show your dd you supported her, but you can do that by talking to her, acknowledging how she feels and being empathetic; I feel it's the easy way out to speak to the boy - you should have bitten the bullet and said to one of his parents that you felt he should say sorry. Socially more awkward I know.

i would've asked the parent to make the child say sorry and explain that your dd was being nice and it wasnt very nice to throw the toy on the floor etc.

ive got a five year old and a four year old and my eldest gets very embarassed with one off gifts off people he doesnt know well etc and acts silly.he's not nasty but they all react in different ways.some boys at that age are all 'girls are horrible' stage and cant cope with nice gestures like that.

i dont think the parents reacted very well and even if they had a a quiet word away from your dd then the child apologising and saying thankyou would've been better than nothing! there's no need for rudeness as it doesnt show either child how to act and responsible for other people's feelings etc

sometimes embarassment,shyness etc does come out as anger but its up to the parents to deal with these issues accordingly

thanks for your input, folks and for taking the time to reply.

I'd like to 'put this thread to bed now', if that's ok with everyone

i've calmed down, vented -and now feel really awful about discussing such close friends. not in my nature, usually