Why won't my nearly 4 year old play on his own?

[hollingbury]

He just won't for longer than 5-10 mins - and that's rare. We've tried lots of different strategies but he just finds it really hard. He follows us around saying 'when will someone play with me?' We ignore him, we set him up with stuff, we've used a timer.

He's an only child. We have lots of friends and do lots of playdates. He goes to preschool 3 days a week. I'm very mindful that he needs friends, but also that he needs to be a little independent in play.

ANy suggestions? I'm losing my fucking mind

x

I would just say no I'm afraid.

Mine are 3 and 4, I often say that I need to work for an hour on laptop, once I have finished we can go to park/ do puzzle/ go for swim. I stick to it and they accept it. They know if they don't play nicely for an hour, then there won't be time for fun elsewhere as I have to get Xyz done first. However this has been same policy since tiny so they understand now

I would Find something he wants to do with you, so you can say first you have to do x, and he plays, then time for fun

What percentage of his play is with you/others/alone?

Our Dd will play independently fur short periods but only in morning when she isnt tired - as she tires she finds it harder. She is also morelikely to play if its a new thing due to novelty factor. She will do colouring and drawing on her own, but not for more than 15 minutes. Id say its a sign of a bright and sociable child and not a bad thing. They need stimulation as well as social interaction. I don't think its uncommon but know some children do play for longer. To some extent you have to accept that is the way the child is. I dont think you can change them that much although they may learn to play for lovger periods as they get older. if it neans they dont grow up sitting in front of the tv or computer games by themselves then i think its a good thing.
Part of parenting is giving up your time to interact with your child. I actually love it even tho it makes it hard to prepare meals or clean yhe house. I have to find ways to do those things together (even though a 4 year old isnt really all that helpful despite her best efforts) or do 10 minutes here & there whilst DD colours/makes stuff with paper & glue.. (Creating more tidying/cleaning up but thats the only way).. She will do gluing/painting crafts semi-independently at kitchen table whilst i clean kitchen/cook- that works ok till she wants help squeezing more paint into her tray from a large ready mix paint bottle whilst my hands are covered in dough/raw meat.

We do say no. We do accept that 'part of parenting is giving up your time to interact with your child' (er, obviously!). We interact a lot with him.

His percentage of time alone, literally playing alone - maybe in total 40 mins-1 hour a day. Added up in small bits over the course of day. Actually, an hour's worth would be a good day.

Maybe the we'll do x, after you play on your own etc - we do speak like this, but maybe we need to be explicit

I am so tired of it. I feel completely worn out and am beginning to dread my days off/weekend.

I'm not unrealistic, I just want a slither of independence

And when I say it's 40-hour a day - we really, really try for more!

You may have tried this, but one suggestion that I use: I start the game, figures, lego, making things out of duplo like a zoo - I start with high energy & inject lots of ideas where the game could go/be like then when I sense they are 'in' the game then I creep away or say I am just getting something & then after a short time I come back - the time I leave for increased gradually & now I will play for about 10 - 30 minutes depending then the independent play continues.

I also make sure I balance the day so independent/role play games then story cuddle/TV mummy time - then independent time - followed by time together.

It is important the games/activities/toys you have allow independent/free play - as some toys do and some don't do that as well.

Crafts & challenges are also good such as I wonder of you can make a bridge out of these materials before I get back & then pop back & high praise after about 8 minutes.

Or both having a play dough pot and challenging each other to make something like a house/dinosaur against a timer then after you have done two - ask him to make something else & then go and do something or I say I am just checking on something -

A fun timer may help as well, set the timer and say in 20 minutes Mummy will play with you, but for now you can play in your room or read some books.

Could you draw him a visual timetable?

Ie Monday
8-9am breakfast/ tidy up
9-10am - puzzles and games together
10-10.30 - Lego play alone
10.30-11am -drawing alone
11-12 - outside play together

Etc etc

All good ideas, thanks a lot

Is this age appropriate? ie. should I be worried?

Very normal - it's not always an age thing, but a character thing as well - I would not be worried. The suggestions are for you to find some time in the day, as well as for him to build some self-reliance. It will come, wooden toys, creative play, open ended tasks will develop his ability to play but it may always enjoy playing with someone else - having feedback and responding to it.

Don't worry, if you are feeling super tired/needing space don't worry about TV or educational DVD's.

My son (just 5) will watch nature programs & just sit like glue - I think the voice over helps, as well as survival programs - it does not always have to be cartons that capture them, but if it is that does not matter - it is all just balance.

DS1 would never play on his own. It was incredibly frustrating and am sorry to say never improved. He is now 11 and unless is on a screen, still struggles to amuse himself.
I remember being amazed when DS2 sat and played for hours with his toys. Just totally different characters.

Maybe we're not setting him right in his toys. Maybe we have the wrong toys. Can people suggest some - see if we have them - and also ideas for really cementing set up so he's involved?

It is incredibly frustrating and it makes me a bit sad

Ds1 is 4, ds2 is 3. The main toys or 'things' they like day to day that they get and set up alone are:

• Lego - they just grab a box and sit at table making stuff

• knex - again grab box to table. They like to follow the intructions to make or make own ideas

• tap-tap - it's a board with wooden pieces, nails and hammer. They hammer down the pieces to make pictures

• playdough

• pencils and paper.

• lots of books. Can't read words yet but like sitting on sofa under blanket looking at pile of books

Do you work?

Maybe he misses you and wants to play with you. My ds gets like this and giving him focussed play doing as he wants for 15 mins or so. He gets his fix then should be easier to leave him be.

I don't really imagine doing my own thing and leaving ds to it for long periods - I only have one day off and am interacting with him a lot in the day!

Well personally I think it's mostly down to character. DD1 never played alone, she's 8 years old now and still doesn't really do anything alone - she wants company all the time, and prefers to be around me. I used to wonder what was wrong and how I could get her to play alone with me nearby but she just didn't want to do it no matter what I tried.

DD2 however is a totally different child, she loves her own company, craves being alone and will play for hours by herself, always did from when she was very young!

My 8 yr old is just like this she needs adult interaction all the time she cannot play on her own she wont even go in the garden alone. She loves the company of others and is extremely social but she cant do alone she wont even go to bed and read to herself for 10 mins. I blame myself as all the books and parenting tips say interact with your child ---- play, play, play so from a tiny baby she was never left alone and we were always doing some kind of structured activity, the library, a music group swimming but I honestly thought I was doing what was right. So my son comes along and he was left on a baby mat with toys and music playing and we went to a few activities but not as many and he has learnt how to entertain himself and will quite happily play with out always needing an adult to interact with. I also volunteer at a childrens centre and we run 'play workshops' teaching parents that the most important thing they can do is play with their children so the advice is so contradictory!!! My DD is extremely hard work because I gave every waking moment to her when she was little- We are working really hard to get her to be independent but she literally has panic attacks if there isn't an adult close by- it doesn't have to be me it can be anyone and we have noticed she is extremely intense around adults and just absolutely adores their full attention and even now if we have friends or relatives round she cannot play she is in the adults face all the time!!!!! I find that my DD is so good and well behaved when stimulated or with other children and although blame myself for too much playing I think it must come down to personality as well as she is so social and just loves the company of others. I do sometimes wonder if I hadn't done as much with her would she be so intense. I never used the TV till my eldest was about 3 as there really was no need as we were always so busy now she isn't interested in it and never has been - whereas her frinds will sit and watch a DVD she can manage 10 mins tops!!!!

Totally normal here. I could have written your op.

tigresswoods - how do you handle it? Any strategies that are proving effective?

I think there are kinds of kids who can play on their own and kinds who can't. The kinds who can't (my ds2) tend to excel at school. They enjoy the learning 'from above', constant stimulation, and respond well to it.

I think that's true Merrym - he is bright and does love to be stimulated. But would I prefer a balance? Maybe.

Can't have it all!

Same as you OP. Leave stuff out, start games off, ignore him- in the nicest possible way.

He just wants us to play too, which is frankly soul destroying

Computer works for ds2. Also wii. Playing football with older kids. Also any 'educational' books like Phonics books, spelling, times tables etc. He is in Y1 and a Maths book keeps him occupied for longer than anything else. Saddo.

Merrym - who said I wanted it all? I said I'd prefer a balance
Tigress - how old is (s)he? Does he have siblings? Have you seen any improvements?
coolas - we already do this

How about jigsaws or following lego instructions. Could he get a reward for completing a lego thing himself without any help?