Why won't my nearly 4 year old play on his own?

[hollingbury]

He just won't for longer than 5-10 mins - and that's rare. We've tried lots of different strategies but he just finds it really hard. He follows us around saying 'when will someone play with me?' We ignore him, we set him up with stuff, we've used a timer.

He's an only child. We have lots of friends and do lots of playdates. He goes to preschool 3 days a week. I'm very mindful that he needs friends, but also that he needs to be a little independent in play.

ANy suggestions? I'm losing my fucking mind

x

My DD aged 4 does not play on her own much and I wish I had a second child so that they could play together! Little by little she is starting to do her own thing though - usually when she senses I wouldn't really approve! Thus: she goes into her room and starts rummaging in her wardrobe for interesting dressing up outfits. the other day I found her in a swimming costume, swimming hat and too-small shoes on the wrong feet :)

Could you give actual tasks, which have a start and finish point (more or less) and involve some concentration. One that worked when my DD was younger was painting the fence with water. Your DS may be too old for that but something similar perhaps? (My DD spent quite a while yesterday cleaning the bathroom shelves with her toothbrush... though in that case it wasn't my idea). Sweeping leaves, washing up or helping load or unload the washing machine?

Another one I tried when trying to get some quiet reading time on a hot day in a the garden was a treasure hunt - hiding small plastic toys around the garden. Worked quite well but not longer than the 5-10 minutes you mention.

It's probably only in the last 6 months that my DD will play by herself to some extent. My nephew by contrast could spend a long time looking quietly at books or playing Lego.

I've found some good ideas for games and activities on babycentre.co.uk.

Last suggestion: could you put him in preschool 5 days a week? Perhaps he is at an age where he needs the greater stimulation. My DD was in full-time childcare from a baby but up till 3 that was just because I needed to work. From age 3 onwards I would say she needed it as much as I did. Alternatively, a regular activity or even a babysitter for some of the time on one of those days?

DS is an only. He's 4.8.
Very sociable & loves being with friends. Occasionally he will play alone if I'm nearby but at home I'm often doing jobs & moving from room to room so he get unsettled & follows me.

This too shall pass???

I feel for you Tigress. It's tough. Obviously there are far worse things, but it's very suffocating.

And to top it off, put him to bed tonight after the longest day, and he said he wanted a brother, sister and baby. First conversation about wanting a sibling (I am not having any more children)...

My DS is the same, always has been. He's never really been one to play by himself.
He's just turned 7 and although he's better than he has been in the past, he still wants me to play with him. He's also an only child and I've been a lone parent since he was 4.5 so things get pretty intense sometimes! Even when he has a friend round to play, he still wants me to join in!

However, there are way to cope. Things have been better since I've just accepted that this is how DS is. It's really stressed me out in the past - worrying if I'm parenting him "wrong", needing a bit of time alone etc but that stress has passed on to DS and I think it's made things worse ie. my need to be left alone sometimes makes him feel rejected which in turn makes him clingy and it's a vicious circle. If I can just chill out, he's calmer and more open to amusing himself.

He does now also accept that I need a bit of space to do things like have a shower or make dinner so he will play by himself when I do stuff like that. It's harder for him to do that when I'm just sitting with the newspaper though!

It has also naturally got better with time as his concentration has improved and as he's found more interests. He's a very keen footballer and will go a kick a ball about in the garden by himself, for example. And now he can read independently, he'll happily sit and read a book for a while. And we enjoy doing lots of the same things now so I'll happily play board games with him and he enjoys helping me cook and is of the age now where he does actually help and not just get under foot!

Does your DS like imaginative play? Mine never has and I wonder if that's got something to do with it?

Yes, I think it's easier here as there are 2 of them . Ds1 is 4 1/2, ds2 3 1/2, so close in age and can just get on with things themselves when we can't be with them.

Does he have any close friends or cousins etc around his age that you can invite over a bit more?

Dd1 is like this - only real solution has been her learning to read. Without a book (or a screen) she still finds it hard to play by herself, though I have noticed that the more she reads the more she is able to use things she's read to play imaginatively.

Solution for me (apart from time) was lots of structured activities, lots of play dates and lots of letting her 'help' in whatever we were doing. Also nursery and grandparents.

She's a very people focused person - things just aren't very interesting to her. Her little sister plays with all the toys she rejected

BorntoFolk, that's a really constructive, helpful post. Thank you.

I think this weekend we've (OH and I) have probably added to that viscious circle. We've been asking DS to 'go play on his own now for a bit' and it's made even more zealous in his demands for us. I think he must feel a bit rejected. We need to change the language. I don't want to make 'playing on your own' a negative thing.

Actually, his imaginative play isn't bad. He will think up scenarios for his trains etc. He loves dress up. And playing pretend games - but only with others!! So I'll try and set him up in a 'story' but he won't follow through on his own.

He's an amazing cyclist - been on a pedal bike for a while now, doing laps at the cycle track - and very good motor skills and sports e.g football, swimming. I think he'll enjoy being in clubs and teams but right now, all of those things require engagement.

I have a lot of guilt that he's an only child and now I'm rejecting him because I do need a bit of time to myself...I know this stuff isn't helping.

We have LOADS of play dates. I am so conscious of the need to have friends around.. He is very close to one cousin, but has others. And that cousin doesn't have siblings, so it works well. He has friends he sees weekly, or more than once a week, and he's in pre school 3 x a week.

Sometimes I think we do too much - how will he learn to play on his own if it's all about play dates and structured activities etc

Yes to the cycling & playing sports. I suspect it will get easier with age. Plus it's very encouraging to hear others say about the learning to read thing.

We do a lot of play dates too & I'm happy to have a friend over or out with us, takes the pressure off me!

Yes, Tigress, I do lots of looking after kids or having them over because I think it helps

I think he will love reading - I'm a writer and big reader - so we try to encourage it.

IME, asking/telling DS to go and play by himself NEVER works!

That's interesting about the imaginative play. I wondered part of the reason that DS had got better at amusing himself is that now he can do it in ways that don't need him to use his imagination, like playing football, or playing with his Hexbugs, or reading that weren't really available to him when he was younger.

If you can try not to worry about it (hard, I know!) and just encourage your DS in what interests him then he'll probably outgrow it...or it'll get better at least.

Thanks Born, I appreciate that

My dd is an only child, she was like this too. She will go off for ages now! Shes 10. Will go and play in her room for hours, she does like T.V on though. I must admit this just happened she went from clingy to wanting lots of time by herself, but if I had the problem again I would just gently keep saying you have to play quietly as I am busy right now, as if it is a really normal thing and no big deal but non negotiable.