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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

IS IT OKAY FOR OTHER MUMS TO SHOUT AT DD1?

43 replies

Helgand · 02/10/2006 08:30

Is it okay for other mums to shout (I mean get right up in her face & absolutely yell) at dd1 (2.9)? DD1 is no angel and does push other kids about every now and then and grabs toys (seems to happen mainly when they are her toys - understandably). I'm not at all slow with reprimanding poor behaviour and have system of warnings & punishments which are well rehearsed! DD1 does not respond when other mums shout in her face and is not a 'cry-baby' type at all. I think I have a bigger problem with it than she does. I feel deeply unhappy about it and don't want those mums coming round with their children any more nor want to go out with their children. Some mums are totally okay - let me do the punishments etc and in fact it is with their kids that there are the least problems. Should I say something or just gradually change my play date social circle and drift away from the ones I have issues with?

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tissy · 02/10/2006 08:33

I would say not, UNLESS you are not there and dd does something that requires an immediate reprimand. I would drop the Mums who yell in your dd's face like hot cakes (and tell them why as well!).

hulababy · 02/10/2006 08:41

I think it is realy wrong of those mums who are yelling in the face of your daughter. Even is you weren't there, I still don't think that is an appropraite way to discipline a two year old. I am not suprised you are unhappy - I'd be furious with those mothers.

Next time I would make sure they know how you feel and that you donot believe they are helping you or your DD, and that you have a consistent and more effetive way of disviping your child, and you'd appreciate them noting that and allowing you to deal with your own child. If they complain, then they are not worth being friends with.

Original poster

Helgand · 02/10/2006 08:43

Thanks Tissy and Hulababy; incidentally I am in the room/playground etc - goodness only knows what happens when I nip to loo or change DD2 nappy etc ... already feel a lot better for hearing your supportive comments and that I am not insanely unreasonable.

OP posts:

CarolinaMoon · 02/10/2006 08:45

I wouldn't 'gradually' change my circle, I'd drop them like hot bricks and wouldn't bother explaining why.

I'm really at that actually - no-one I know round here does that to their own kids (in public at least ) never mind other peoples'.

Twiglett · 02/10/2006 08:46

well personally I believe in community parenting so any parent who is close enough to a child to gently reprimand if the parent is out of sight is appreciated in my view

as is a short sharp "No, we don't do smack / hit"

but getting up in face and yelling .. actually any shouting at all is totally out of order and I would definitely say something

colditz · 02/10/2006 08:49

I never mind someone disciplining my child appropriately but whoever these dickheads are that are shouting at your daughter, you need to drop them

MrsFogi · 02/10/2006 08:55

Not acceptable at all to yell in your dd's face - ditch them fast!

lulunaticmama · 02/10/2006 09:01

totally agree with Twiglett- amongst our circle - we all have very similar views on parenting & discipline - we all know the levels of discipline that are appropriate - and would not hesitate to reprimand each others kids in that way - BUT

never smack anyone elses kids
or be aggressive - ie up in their face yelling !

if you are not comfortable with this situation - then address it or phase them out of your circle....

if you clash on how to discipline - it will remain a problem for as long as you are friends! they are unlikely to change their parenting ways....

Original poster

Helgand · 02/10/2006 09:08

Thanks for the comments. I am only too grateful when someone does a bit of appropriate disciplining for me - gently removing hands, speaking respectfully etc. These particular mums do not speak like this to their own children - are very mumsie-wumsie with them if you know what I mean - lots of 'aahs' and 'mummy's little baby' with 2 yr olds.
All your comments have been clearly in one direction though so I will now grit my teeth and say no when they invite themselves round to play. Thanks, ladies

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Furball · 02/10/2006 09:08

I think this is awful - it's one thing to say to a child 'don't do that' etc but to actually get down and shout in your DD's face is terrible especially as it seems to be a common occurence. Not worth hanging around with these people if they treat you and your dd like that.

KellyKrueger1978 · 02/10/2006 09:11

totally agree with twiglett. I would have said something, personally.

kitbit · 02/10/2006 09:11

nooooo, not OK. And totally disrespectful imo both to you and to your dd. I agree with Twiglett re. the community parenting, BUT I think if you are going to step in with someone else's child it should be after getting previous permission from mum and coming to an agreement on what can be said/done with their child in that situation (that's how I feel comfortable with it, anyway). To yell in the face of any child is awful and to do it to someone else's is unbelievable and bang out of order. Good job your dd doesn't seem phased, but I'd remove her from these mad harpies immediately before that changes if it were me!!

SSSandy · 02/10/2006 09:15

!?! What did you do when this was happening then?

No, definitely don't let people into your home who are going to shout at your dd. What kind of behaviour is that. It's unspeakably rude towards you the host for one thing and how is dd supposed to feel?

I would tell them next time they suggest a playdate why you won't be doing. You needn't explode but make it very clear that you are upset and angry and don't want your dd subjected to that kind of treatment. Imagine you'd done it to their dd?

anniediv · 02/10/2006 09:37

I would be and if anyone did this, as it's not something I would do. It's a bit bully-ish I think. BTW all 2.9 year olds "push other kids now and then and grabs toys" don't they?? I agree that it's okay for someone who knows the child to reprimand if you're not there, but as Twiglett say, 'gently reprimand', not shout in their face.

Original poster

Helgand · 02/10/2006 10:49

You are all right, right, right. Thank you so much for your support you wise mumsnetters.

OP posts:

kitbit · 02/10/2006 12:49

just noticed the bit where you say these mums are ultra soft with their own kids...I say even worse if they are not treating all the kids present in the same way. Drop em fast.

Pixiefish · 02/10/2006 12:53

If I have the other parents permission I would gently reprimand another child. Generally it's only in my circle of friends so we all know how each oter disciplines tbh.

I wouldn't let anyone shout at dd tbh. One friend can be quite stern with ehr but that is with my conset and when dd has hurt her dd- we do discuss the issues though and my friend knows we have problems that we are trying to resolve so this is an attempt to get dd to stop pushing other kids

sandyballs · 02/10/2006 12:58

Blimey, yelling in her face! Totally out of order for anyone to do that to a child. I would gently distract or remove a child from a situation, but not yell. I would expect my child to be told off gently if need be by a friend but I would be furious if anyone yelled in their face.

mummymonster2 · 02/10/2006 13:19

I would tell these friends that you are not happy with there behaviour towards DD1. If they take offence they are not very good friends.

How would they feel if you were to do the same to there children?

MellowMonsta · 02/10/2006 13:20

I wouldnt let anyone shout in my sons faces. Absolutely no way. One of our neighbours shouted over fence at ds during holidays and told him to "fu**ing shut up".

I have never jumped over a fence so fast in years. I ended up giving him peace of mind and told him to come to me if he any problem with ds not to shout/swear at him.

He told me to "kiss his ass" WTF!!!

So I sent dh down

foxtrottingtotransylvania · 02/10/2006 13:48

that anyone would do this! Do you want these women as friends?

terramum · 02/10/2006 17:19

Would you have a problem if someone shouted at you with their face right up in front of yours? I would - & certainly wouldnt like anyone doing it to any child, let alone mine. Tell them that you dont feel that is an appropraite way to speak to a person & if they dont stop they are not welcome - they sound like quite horrible people tbh

kittywits · 02/10/2006 17:41

mummydear · 02/10/2006 18:23

Is not Ok, by the way how many Mums shouted at your daughter ? Sounds from posting that it was more than one ?

I would like most others on here tell a child off within a cricle of friends but not to extent of shouting in face. Blimely you child must been quite frightened.

Blossomhill · 02/10/2006 18:31

If someone did this to one of my kids I would go ballistic.
Infact I would probably knock them out!

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