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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

IS IT OKAY FOR OTHER MUMS TO SHOUT AT DD1?

43 replies

Helgand · 02/10/2006 08:30

Is it okay for other mums to shout (I mean get right up in her face & absolutely yell) at dd1 (2.9)? DD1 is no angel and does push other kids about every now and then and grabs toys (seems to happen mainly when they are her toys - understandably). I'm not at all slow with reprimanding poor behaviour and have system of warnings & punishments which are well rehearsed! DD1 does not respond when other mums shout in her face and is not a 'cry-baby' type at all. I think I have a bigger problem with it than she does. I feel deeply unhappy about it and don't want those mums coming round with their children any more nor want to go out with their children. Some mums are totally okay - let me do the punishments etc and in fact it is with their kids that there are the least problems. Should I say something or just gradually change my play date social circle and drift away from the ones I have issues with?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

champagnesocialist · 02/10/2006 19:13

i can't understand, she was either so genuinely shocked by your childs outrageous behaviour that shouting was her first, kneejerk, reaction OR she's lost the plot and started behaving in public as she would in private OR she's a horrible person.

SSSandy · 02/10/2006 19:18

seems it's more than one mum

mamamaaargh · 02/10/2006 23:39

What on earth did your poor dd do to deserve such a reaction? It must have been something really terrible... but no matter what, I agree with everyone - saying "No, we don't push" etc is one thing, and I would certainly expect my ds to be told that if he did it, but to yell at a child, especially someone else's in such an aggressive manner is never ok. How horrible.

handlemecarefully · 02/10/2006 23:46

"Is it okay for other mums to shout (I mean get right up in her face & absolutely yell) at dd1 (2.9)? "

Are you - (not deliberately but perhaps subconsciously because you are feeling a bit peevish about the whole thing) exaggerating(sorry there isn't a tactful way to put that, and if there is, I'm not your woman )?

It's just that I can't imagine anyone of my acquaintance atcually yelling in my child's face?

What was the specific misdemeanour that precipitated this?

Adorabelle · 03/10/2006 00:03

If I saw someone yelling at my 2.4 dd i'd be very
unhappy.

If she had snatched a toy/pushed another child & I was not there to talk to her I wouldn't mind an
adult telling her that it wasn't nice & we don't do things like that. But to have someone yell at my child (even I don't do that) would seriously p*ss me off.

BATtymumma · 03/10/2006 00:28

Glad you intend to dump these people.

Anyone that spoek to my children like that would have had a go full!
how bloody dare they!?

defo change the freinds and absolutly explain why you do not feel like spening time in their company any more

Original poster

Helgand · 03/10/2006 13:49

There are two mums who do this - one far worse than the other. Can't put in too many details as the really difficult one is a mumsnetter too. Sadly, it's not an exagerration although I would be a little skeptical if I was just reading it. Anyway, I'm not a gutsy, feisty person so won't be going for complete meltdown, however am passionate about my kids (but realistic about their shortcomings!) so playdates with these two mums are off indefinitely. Thank you all so much.

OP posts:

Tortington · 03/10/2006 14:20

nope not shout

to tell off for shitty behaviour - sure

mumofhelen · 03/10/2006 20:56

I would never shout at someone else's child. The only time I tell them off is when their lives are in danger, for example, when they are about to climb out of a window with a 7m drop. If I have issues with a child, I will tell the child's mother and allow her to sort the problem out in her own way. Having written this, I have been in the position whereby a little boy bit my daughter and upon telling the mother, she laughed in my face. Both her and her son was asked to leave eventually. Her son bit too many children and parents decided to take their child out, resulting in a non-sustainable loss of income for the organisers. The last I heard of this playgroup, it had shut down.

Adorabelle · 03/10/2006 23:36

My dd & I have many playdates & groups we attend,
i'd not batter an eyelid if another mum told my dd off for a viable reason.

I would Never expect my dd to be shouted at by another adult, & I would certainly never shout at another persons child.

hunkermunster · 04/10/2006 01:14

She's a MNer?

Oh, tell us what she's doing in detail and then out her and we'll all fall on her and give her a good kicking.

Please?

VeniVidiVickiQV · 04/10/2006 01:18

LOL hunker!

HMC, Im kinda coming from the same place you are on this.

hunkermunster · 04/10/2006 18:39

Oh, come on, tell us!

loopylou0612 · 04/10/2006 18:51

Firstly, what on earth could a lo of that age do that would deserve being yelled at in the face, and secondly, who does the woman think she is in not only doing that, but to someone else's child??

I don't have a problem with any of my friends telling my dd off if there is a legitimate reason. We work on the theory that if it is dangerous or particularly serious then any one of us can deal with any of the children.

I certainly would not yell at a child in their face, nor would I expect anybody else to. It's totally unacceptable imo and I think you need to frop this woman from your circle. I also agree with Tissy's post, and tell her why.

hunkermunster · 04/10/2006 18:51

Go on, tell us.

I want to yell in her face

batters · 04/10/2006 18:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

indignatio · 04/10/2006 19:15

OK - think I am going to be controversial here

I do a lot of playdates - today 2 extra for lunch and 3 extra for supper

A lot of the mums who come round here view the place as somewhere to abdicate responsibility and do their own thing. If - and it is not all mums - this is the case then I will reprimand any child that doesn't conform to the house rules. 9 times out of 10 that is just sending them to their mummy to discuss or asking one to apologise to another

if mummy is not in the room then I will ask x to apologise to Y and wait for the apology - and "that's alright" from the other.

Like twig there is a community of parenting going on here most of the time. Today a mum was repremanding my ds along with her son. I was watching from another room and so happen to see that my ds was not involved, BUT she called it the way she saw it and so I did not go in and intervene. As I see it mums are there to back the others up - not undermine in these circumstances. ( bit like dps !!)

our rules seem to be
if it is your child and you see the behaviour - you deal with it
if you are not in the room, you trust another mother to deal with it
if you see a child in danger you can shout - yours/ the neighbours/the kid from down the road - you do whatever is instinctive to get that child out of danger.

I also try to get down (physically) to the child's level to discuss the matter

having said all that - shouting in a child's face is absolutely unacceptable - but I do shout at my friends dd (similar age to yours) as I have forgotten what a 2.9 year old can and cannot do - when I see her in danger or repeatedly hitting older children whom we have just got to understand that "you don't hit back"

I have discussed this with her mum as I say that it is not fiar that I shout at your daughter when I don't shout at my son, but she - who has a daughter of a similar age to my son - is very understanding and is not aggrevieved at my attitude towards her daughter

WideWebWitch · 04/10/2006 19:18

Dump these women, they sound vile! No it's not ok, as I expect every other poster has said.

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