Reception child hitting - please help

[JammyGeorge]

Hi, I'm having an absolute nightmare with DS1 who is 4 and just started reception.

He's very big for his age, boisterous, rough and generally barges around but is also loving, funny and adores his little brother.

On the surface he seems to enjoy school. He never complains about going, enjoys the phonics/numbers etc. and is full of chat about it.

However, the reports of his behaviour from teachers and other parents is disgraceful. I'm thoroughly ashamed and at my wits end.

He's had 4 incidents of hitting other children. He has also hit a teacher who intervened in an incident. He has been in time out, sanctions etc.

When he came home from the last incident with the teacher I really went to town on him. I purposefully didn't shout I was calm and firm. I explained ( for the millionth time) that we don't hit, ever. I explained that he's hurting people and making them sad. I got pens and paper and got him to tell me what happened by drawing pictures and went over how it's made everyone feel including him who is now sad as he's being punished. I also made him do a sorry card that he delivered personally to the teacher the next day.

For punishment I took his train set off him and sent him straight to bed after dinner.

I also drew up a reward chart and explained he'd get a little treat every night he's good and a star on the chart and once he's got 5 we can go to the cinema.

The next day he went into school and pushed a boy on his arse as he'd hid in DS1's special hiding place during hide and seek.

What on earth am I going to do?

Trying not to drop feed but as you can imagine there's a lot too this. He has also started waking in the night screaming, wetting the bed which he's never done. He says no one will play with him and no one wants to be his friend, well no wonder if he's carrying on like this. He's being talked about by all the kids and parents.

He's so unhappy and all I want to do is hug him but how can I do that and discipline him?

On a side note the teacher says he is fine during lessons it's during the 1.5 hour lunch break this is all going on. He goes to after school club in his old day nursery for 1.5 hours 3 times a week with 20-25 kids and there is no behavioural problems, not one incident in 6 weeks.

He is immature and doesn't know how to deal with things when they don't go his way. You need to help him find ways of dealing with things that don't involve the hitting. My DS2 was similar at age 5. He is much better now he is older, but we did also discuss other options.

Children often struggle with lunch timesat school and that is a very long one!
Lack of structure and different supervisors mean that it's the prime time for issues to occur.
What are school suggesting is done to improve it?
Is the hitting happening in a fit of rage when the red mist has descended or is it more deliberate? Hitting an adult in authority is the biggest concern for me as it shows a serious issue with being able to control his anger. Many children hot other children on the playground but most know that hitting a teacher crosses a line.
He sounds like he needs more support at school to deal with the chaos that is lunchtime.
Speak to his teacher and agree a plan.
Making sure a lunch time supervisor is aware and keeps a watch. Finding a sensible older child to buddy him up with. Reward charts at school for good lunch times.
School need to be involved for there to be proper success.

Thanks for the replies.

What did you teach him lemon? I've told him to walk away if he feels angry and to speak up if he's not happy rather than lash out but he just looks at me confused.

Smarty - you are right I could not believe the teacher thing. His teacher has suggested a reward chart and is sending a note home everyday covering is positives.

She doesn't seem massively concerned as his behaviour in class is ok, she says it takes time for them to settle in.

I think I need to sit and talk to the teacher about it all. As it stands I don't know the triggers. All she said is he's great all day then something happens and it's an impulsive thing.

It's parents evening next week so I intend to have a good talk about it. All we get is a few minutes here and there at pick up at the moment.

A buddying with an older child would be a fab idea for him but they all seem to play in different playgrounds there. He has an older cousin he'd love to play with but can't and all his nursery friends are in other classes and use other playgrounds, according to him!

I think he's struggling to fit in and to make friends and is finding it very hard.

I think I need to sit down with the teacher and get my head round what's fully going on.

You need to find out exactly what is setting him off. I asked DS2 why he had hit on a particular day, when he explained, I did as you mentioned and talked about walking away or speaking to a teacher about issues.

I agree with others that the hitting a teacher is a concern. I'm surprised school haven't asked you to see them about a joint plan. I do think you should speak to his teacher.

Thanks, you are right, my head is whirling with punishments, rewards, consequences etc.

I'll focus on sitting down with the teacher and talking triggers and a plan to deal with it including some kind of lunchtime support and/or reward scheme.

Don't panic, talk to the teacher, and just keep talking to him and trying different things. We went through something like this earlier this year, when we moved and DS started a new preschool, right as he turned 4. The first three months were not great, there was hitting and lashing out. We talked to some people and everyone said 3 months is usually a turning point, and sure enough, right at 3 months it was like suddenly something clicked and he behaved so much better. It has been months now since anything happened and he is totally fine.

Some things we tried that I think helped:

We did a reward chart and made a big deal out of it, he responded to this very well.
We found he didn't really understand what we meant by being 'angry' so we reduced it to: if you are not happy, you don't hit, you just say 'I am not very happy'.
We gave lots of positive praise for things he did right and gave him lots of hugs (obviously not right after he hit but at other times, lots of cuddles)

Basically we found that once he got comfortable at school, and was feeling happier generally, he stopped lashing out. So just keep trying different things and try not to worry too much yet.

If he is doing this in the playground it could be that he actually doesn't know how to join in with playground games. Whilst some children just seem to pick this up, others need teaching directly, the words and phrases they can use. At nursery they play alongside. The transition to playing with is a tricky one for some.

Did he join the school knowing any of the other children? Even if he did, get some play dates going with as wide a variety as you can. In a smaller situation he will be able to make friends more easily and this then will translate onto the playground. Help them play together if you have to.

It sounds like you've made a great start by using pictures etc. Maybe try using finger puppets or cuddly toys and discuss what the main toy might say if someone says the toy can't play or the game doesn't go his way.

I agree, 1 1/2 hours is a very long lunch break. It could be worth seeing when the behaviour happens. Could be he's tired, or daunted by all the children.

With regards to the hitting of an adult, given his age, it does happen. Yes it's inappropriate but they don't mean it! It's not questioning authority it's sheer inability to control. Not their temper especially but the situation they are in. It's a control thing I think! I've been kicked, hit etc and 9 times out of 10 it's because they couldn't cope.

Talking about a subject such as anger is really hard for little ones. I always used to talk to them about spaghetti. When it's dry, it's all straight and stiff (cue them pretending to be spaghetti) then when it's cooked it's all relaxed (now relaxed spaghetti actions). Practise a few times and then you could explain that's how being angry makes you feel and this is what you do. Count to 3/5/10 (whatever he can) or sing a silly song. When he's finished, he'll be like cooked spaghetti.

Regardless, I agree that he needs more support on the playground in order to find out what's wrong and help him to settle in. Don't wait until parent's evening, you'll get ten mins usually and it won't be enough. Ask for a separate meeting when you have enough time to discuss the matter properly without feeling under pressure.

It can be really hard when they don't settle in quickly. I hope you are able to find a way to help him through.

You know you could be into something lucks, most of these incidents have stemmed around games of tag.

I think he's barging around 'tagging' kids and getting over excited.

He's a big lad in 6/7 clothes if he tagged a little one hard he could knock them off their feet. I say do these kids know they are playing tag?

The teacher incident was kicked off with a game of tag which she stepped into.

Sounds like he doesn't know how to relate to the other kids, especially in the playground. We had this and I would absolutely recommend playdates. It gives them something to talk about and a friendly face in the playground. Also, find out what the other kids are into - programs / toys etc - helps them again to relate to one another.

Do things after school together, like swimming - relaxes both of you and reinforces your bond (don't withdraw if naughty). Its a time where they need you the most and your basically the bad guy, you have to try and discipline without alienating them.

I also found that explaining school was 5 days a week, and the weekend was free or other activity days helped. We even counted down to the weekend - only two more days to go etc. He really does love Fridays :)

Does he need to be full time - can you reduce his hrs and build up as he gains control / confidence?

And I love the toys and spaghetti, I'll definitely try them, something's got to get through.

Also, to answer your question he knows no one in the class all his nursery friends are in different classes.

There seems to be clicks of friends developing already mostly old nursery friends who he says won't play with him as they already have friends.

He's never mentioned a single friend since he started so you are right action is needed on that front!

Good luck!!

Oh god, the plot thickens.

I've been contacted by another mum a friend of a friend rather harshly informing me DS1 pushed her son over yesterday in the playground.

I've apologised and explained he's finding it hard to settle in and make friends.

She's said that her son says DS has no friends and he's not going to be his friend either (nice).

So it looks like this might be more than boisterous play. When DS was saying no one plays with him and they call him names I took it with a pinch of salt given that 4 year old aren't exactly reliable on the information front!

That was very inappropriate of her, I would never do that. If it is at school, it is for the school to handle.

Anyway, I honestly think that what she has said just proves it really is about friendship. If her son is saying stuff like that (which if my DS said, I would tell him to play with said child rather than running off to tell the mum of the child who is hitting ) then he is probably reacting. As an adult being told someone doesn't like you is hard. Imagine how a 4 year old feels!

Do press ahead with the play dates. I think it would really help. FWIW I probably wouldn't ask that particular child...

The school needs to deal with this asap, in class, discussing how they make friends and look after each other. Tell them this mum called you.

I'm so sorry, that must have been horrid.

Yes I thought she was out of order, regardless of her intentions she really upset me.

On a positive I've just picked him up from school and he's had a fantastic day, no bad behaviour at all and he seems much happier.

Excellent!! Fingers crossed that continues.

Indeed.

He seemed much happier tonight and opened up more than he has before.

He said he'd kept his hands to himself and not hit (so maybe that instruction went in). I asked if he'd played tag and he said no I don't play that nasty hitting game! He also talked about some of the boys he'd played with which he hasn't before. He said he let the boy he pushed yesterday into his imaginary house and they are best friends!!! I bet his mum doesn't contact me to 'inform' me of that!

I'm still going to get an appointment in with the teacher and keep on talking things through with him.

I think it's going to take a while for him to settle down and I'll need to take the rough with the smooth but right now I'm enjoying the smooth...

Thanks for your support I've had a wobbly couple of days!

I feel your pain! My DS was a bit of a nightmare in the first term especially of reception and especially at playtime. He was (is) very big for his age and got into all sorts of trouble in the playground especially with the slightly older boys who he knew through his older sister. There was definitely an element of them winding him up too. He was lucky in that he had a couple of friends that weren't too fussed with his over boisterous behaviour but I was really worried that the other children wouldn't want to play with him.
In the end it wasn't too bad and most of the other parents were fine. (that other mother sounds unpleasant by the way...). A lot of the other children were misbehaving too but because DS was being watched like a hawk he was pulled up on absolutely everything.
Anyway, he is now in Y1, is by no means an angel, but is much, much better and has plenty of friends. He still gets carried away and is still big so that a slight accidental knock in the playground can send someone flying but the behaviour in reception is like a distant memory! I think I wrote a few posts on it .

Thanks house I'm finding this really hard to deal with. After a great day yesterday he's come home with a report of hurting children at lunchtime.

I'm off to the school tomorrow for a chat with the teacher.

How did you handle it? Did he just grow out of it or was there anything that seemed to help?

If it makes you feel better I spent half of the first reception term in tears!
I think part of DS behaving better is just the fact that he's older but there are other things.
He has always been supremely confident at chatting to anyone and was not remotely phased at starting school so didn't really get that things were different. ( he went to quite a formal nursery but with much smaller groups, more staff etc who were very good at spotting when he was about to get out of hand, which kids triggered it etc). He was suddenly in a big classroom and a big playground and whereas most of his peers were initially quite she'll shocked and well behaved he wasn't at all. He thought all the bigger boys were his friends and they soon realised they could wind him up. He was put on a sort of action list so every little thing he did was noted down and he was watched like a hawk in the playground. Whilst I didn't have a problem with this I think it was a bit unfair as lots of other children were being naughty but it wasn't really being noticed. They also knew that they could blame him for things. His teacher would then delight in reading his list of misdemeanours to me....
Once he settled down a bit and the other children found their confidence he didn't seem quite so bad!
I did a few things like completely stop any tv before school - didn't have much anyway. Cut down screen time in general. Gave him fish oil. I also sent in fruit as he didn't like some of the fruit they got at snack time and hunger and tiredness were and still are real triggers for bad behaviour.
I knew his teacher from DD's time and she can be really harsh so tried not to get too upset but didn't really work. We had quite a few meetings and me and DH always showed willing to accept the problems and she was good about giving him snacks etc.
From initially thinking he had ADHD she actually said she enjoyed teaching him in the end as he is very bright and inquisitive but I think she got very frustrated with him. I think Y1 has been much better for him as more structured and less opportunities to mess about...
Am really rambling so in short(!) it got much better as he got older and understood the whole school thing better. I always think it's much better to show the teacher you're on the same side and not get too defensive or upset ( I'm still mortified I cried in front of her).

Thanks house. You are making me feel so much better.

It sounded like you were describing DS perfectly there, he is so confident and outgoing nothing like me as a child I was shy and terrified. If we are out in his bike he stops and cracks up conversations with dog walkers, he has no fear.

That's why I thought he'd fit into school great, make friends easily etc.

He's getting a daily report of his behaviour coming home and this week he's been perfectly behaved in class everyday. Yet only had 1 good lunchtime.

He says the kids are calling him stupid and excluding him. Well I don't blame them really as he is going around belting them (not the stupid and nastiness) He seems stuck in a circle of hitting causing excluding/name calling and that same excluding etc causing him to hit.

I'm definitely going to be on the schools side on this, I know he's out of order and it needs dealing with but I also want to make sure that school do know what's going on and are giving him the support he needs.

I asked the school to try and keep him away from the bigger boys which helped but it sounds like your DS has more of a problem with his classmates. I know at DC's school they have some kids in the older years who help out and try and get them to play games etc. DSs play times are a bit if a free for all but I know some schools are better than others about helping them play nicely together. I shied away from play dates initially as I didn't want them to go badly but in retrospect I probably should have done a few more as they were always fine.
Let us know how you get on with teacher tomorrow. I think tenth definitely need to help him at play times.

I will do thanks!

They not tenth! Stupid phone..