3 1/2 yr old eating issues -every evening is a battle- help!!

[sunshine05]

Ok so my 3 yo is doing the typical 'I don't like this' and not eating at dinner, whatever it is he fidgets, talks, does anything but eat. Up till now we've done the coaxing, getting cross, making him eat so many mouthfuls etc. It's just getting beyond a joke - dinner takes an hour or more and it's just painful. The HV suggested to me today to IGNORE his behaviour and she said hers did that and after a night or two he realised he wasn't getting any attention and started eating. So I thought I'd give it a whirl tonight. I remained calm and ignored him. First he said he didn't like it as it was too spicy. It did have some mild spice in so I gave him a blander version I had on the side anyway and said 'fine eat this then' and we had the same fidgeting and delaying and him saying stuff and I ignored it all. My eldest meanwhile had pudding and was allowed to watch tv. My 3 yo asked if he could eat and watch tv, but he still wouldn't eat so I've put him upstairs where he had a major meltdown.

What do I do now? I'm prepared for him not to finish his dinner and go to bed without tv but this is hideous. I'm assuming it has to get worse before it gets better??

any other tips/ideas would be most appreciated!!

We are going through similar with dd also 3.5. We have been for a while, we have done the 10 minutes and dinner will go when she has been dancing her cutlery up and down the table for the whole of dinner. What we do is we put the clock on the table and show her when the big hand gets to 6 I'm going to take dinner away - much easier than counting down.

We have recently been introducing that we want her to try everything once - this was because every meal time dd would pick something and say she didn't like/want to eat it even things we know she likes.

Sometime last week we gave her an alternative as 18mo dd2 was also having something different, I think three times this week we have had requests for something else claiming she doesn't like what we are eating, eventually she ate something each night. I won't be offering an alternative again. Desert here is fruit followed by yoghurt so I don't worry too much now as I know she has eaten something. It's difficult thibgs are often worse for us when dd is tired and it's somethig new or we haven't had for a while. I'm hoping though it's a phase and will pass.

You should never withhold food as a punishment

You're talking like I'm going to starve my child. No, absolutely not the case. But they sure as heck won't be wandering through 20 minutes later moaning they're hungry when they refused their tea! They will be waiting til the next meal time!

We have recently been introducing that we want her to try everything once - this was because every meal time dd would pick something and say she didn't like/want to eat it even things we know she likes.

You may find that you have more long term success by accepting that she just won't eat all the items presented to her at every meal. Children have been shown to be good at selecting a balanced diet from a healthy selection (so cakes, chocolate, etc, not constantly available) over a longer period although they naturally have carb heavy, protein heavy, etc, individual days. This is a good reason to serve food in serving dishes and allow family members to select their own portions. They will then usually take what their body is telling them they need that day.

I think most adults select different sized portions and different balances of food on different days. We all have days when we really enjoy certain foods more so why not afford our children the same privilege rather than micro-managing each individual meal?

I gave up, the second DD2 was old enough not to make huge mess, I just stuck her and her food in front of CBBeeies and left.

Otherwise I would have killed her. She just found food boring. I'm certain she'd have gone to bed happily enough with no tea. Then come in for a BF or a yoghurt just after aid gone to sleep.

Non eating extended BFers are impossible, they can alway weidle their way into your bra.

I'd say much smaller portions. Less attention and praise for anything eaten at the table.

We still struggle when the dc are tired but they are up to eating portions that full their tummies up now.

Goldmandra that's interesting, never thought of serving in serving dishes and allowing everyone to serve their own portions, it's a good idea. Only thing is wouldn't most kids just avoid veg? Mine personally love veg but I know that's not the case with all children.

thanks blueberrywafer I know what I need to do so I just need to lay off him a bit and hopefully he'll naturally start eating better

goldmandra I appreciate your views but I do disagree about you saying I should not control anything that goes into his mouth. If I were to offer him a meal every day for a week and he actively avoided all the vegetables (which he naturally does as he's not that keen on them) then that would not be acceptable to me as he would be missing out on important vitamins and minerals in his diet. I would encourage (not force) him to have some at least (not all if he didn't want them all)

I also disagree with you saying food is obviously an emotive subject for me. You don't know anything about me so please don't assume anything or make decisions based on a few paragraphs I have written. I have a very healthy and balanced view of food and eating. I eat fresh unprocessed foods and have never ever had issues with over or under eating. I don't comfort eat and don't feel emotional about food (apart from loving it and having an active interest in healthy eating). I am just a normal mum who wants her kids to eat well as it's part of our motherly instinct to make sure our kids eat!

I think food is by definition emotive for mothers. See the bf/ff threads for evidence. The desire for our children to eat is fundamental.

ok yes I see your point LittleBearPad it is emotive to an extent but the way Goldmandra said it was as if it was an issue- in a bad way. Yes we all want our kids to eat, it's inbuilt into us as mothers I think!

and whoever said to try other things in lunchboxes instead of sandwiches- thanks I'll give that a go. (sorry can't look back to the previous page now) Perhaps little bites of different things will be a nice change for him and mean I don't have to give him the same old thing every day!

Purpleflamingos smaller portions are a good idea too- Although I don't think I give my 3yo a big plateful I think it does overwhelm him and maybe he'd eat more if I put less on it.

We're always trying new meals (maybe one new meal a week) but I was thinking maybe I should make sure there are one or two other things on the plate that I know he likes so he at least eats something? For example I'm doing a slow cook tagine tomorrow and I KNOW he'll instantly say he doesn't like it before he's even tried it. We have a rule that they have to try new things and its fine if they don't like them. Perhaps I'll put a side of veg and one other thing so he at least eats those.

OK, fair comment. Perhaps you personally have a good relationship with food. I didn't intend to imply that you didn't so I should have worded it more carefully but you clearly do feel very emotional about and have a strong need to control what goes in your DS's mouth.

While that remains the case you will also carry on encountering the same issues.

Goldmandra I really don't think she wants to control what goes in her sons mouth! She just wants to make sure he actually eats some dinner - all normal if you ask me.

Goldmandra I really don't think she wants to control what goes in her sons mouth! She just wants to make sure he actually eats some dinner

Controlling=making sure

I think you need to make food fun again. If the first thing he's saying is "how many mouthfuls do I need to eat? " that's actually quite sad I think. It means he is seeing food as a battle - something to be endured. No one should see food like that.

Can you cook together? Make food the friend again - make cakes, something that he will really enjoy eating even if it isn't the most healthy thing.

I think you need to refrain from commenting at dinner as others have said but also make food fun and enjoyable again. Always offer something he will eat even if it isn't necessarily what you wanted him to eat - sandwiches, eggy bread, omlettes and pitta bread sticks with dips always go down well here and aren't too fussy.

It's a stage and it will pass, you just have to let it go and not get too stressed about it. You don't want him to come to view food as a negative experience.

Hi sunshine I have no solid advice just wanted to sympathise as I have a very fussy 2.5 yr old DD, we too are trying to follow the keep calm don't battle advice, but flip me it is hard! I prepared cottage pie last night which she has eaten before but she just sat there refusing to eat. The only input I had was loading her fork, she picked up the fork and I thought yipeee she's going to eat as she proceeded to shake the food off the fork making a bleurrrgh sound DH and I did not react we carried on chatting then when everyone was finished her plate was cleared. It is my natural instinct to find something she will eat, but I didn't. She had a drink of milk and got down from the table. My DM says to me it will click with her eventually if she's hungry she'll eat, and she'll realise food tastes good, I just think when? When will she have this epiphany??!

Blueberrywafer exactly I just want to make sure he eats something and I think some control is needed for that to happen.

Fairylea it is sad- and its strange as his brother isn't like that at all, I really do think it's an attention/power thing - maybe as he has a little brother who is 9 months old and he's always fighting for attention from me!

We do cook together but probably only every few weeks- it's hard as the eldest often wants to do it too and with a baby as well I find it hard to make it work- sometimes it's just too stressful!

jaybird I get that too- I load up his fork and he says 'I don't want that' and shakes it off. He's also fussy about any 'crusty bits' on bakes like pasta bakes or shepherds pie etc. But to be fair he does eat a fair range of stuff, he's just suspicious of new things and for some reason dinner time is the battle time. Breakfast and lunch are fine. Hang in there- I'm sure they will 'get it' at some point- just wish it was sooner rather than later!

If dinner is the battle time he may be tired and not interested. Give him a bit more for lunch and then you won't worry about a small/non-existent dinner.

Just out of interest OP, what time do you have dinner in your house?

OP, I really recommend you have a read through some of the books people have recommended. My favourite is my child won't eat www.bbcgoodfood.com/howto/guide/carlos-gonzalos-my-child-wont-eat which really makes you think.

Your HV is saying you need to ignore his behaviour because you can't and shouldn't control how much and what a child eats. If you start thinking that you must make him eat a certain amount of dinner, or a certain amount of vegetables then you are still thinking in terms of a battle, and you will not end up winning.

Your job is to give him a heathy meal, and to give him the opportunity to eat a variety of food. If you back right off and leave him to it, he will eventually get to a place where he will eat what he needs to eat to keep himself healthy. That's not to say that you should plonk a plate of crisps in front of him, but if you eat a healthy varied diet with him, then in time he will too.

If he doesn't eat dinner, so what? At worst he will be hungry. He will not die. He will not waste away. If he doesn't eat much at dinner as a general theme, perhaps he is just someone who will always enjoy food more at other times of the day. Look at what he eats over the week rather than at one meal only.

If you know he won't like the tagine (neither of mine are keen on stewy things), then why force it? It's okay for children not to like some things too. Fish out some of the meat and stick it on a skewer, serve it with the rice/couscous and some veg. Sorted.

BlueberryWafer we eat at between 5pm and 5.30 so not that late really.

PorquoiPas thanks for the recommendation, will have a look at that book

I get that -that I shouldn't try and control what he eats- it's a new concept I've only just stumbled upon this week so it's a work in progress! I've talked to DH about it and we're clear on how we need to deal with it. Tonight he did as I expected, didn't like the look of the tagine but ate the couscous and lots of carrots. I asked him to try the tagine as it's something new and we have a rule that you always have a taste of something new and if you don't like it that's fine you don't have to eat it. I didn't make any comments about his eating and when he'd had enough i cleared his plate away without comment. It was refreshing not to have a battle of wills over dinner and I am going to keep this up and hopefully we'll see a change and a more relaxing dinner time!

I'm not so worried if he doesn't eat much, I think DH has always been very focused on how much the kids are eating and that they must clear their plates and it started rubbing off on me- and I didn't think it was a problem until I saw how our middle child was reacting.

Next week I think he likes every meal we're having (simple foods that he knows and likes) so I'll see how it goes with me backing off and let him do his own thing. Will let you all know how it's going -thanks again for the support/advice!

I Completely agree with goldmandra.

Well I don't but thanks for the input Eva50

I've laid off him the last few days and he's already been much more relaxed whilst eating (although DH is away so we'll see next week if he starts being stubborn again- maybe there's a link there- maybe he plays up for DH to get attention?!) He's eaten well- last night he ate 3 bowlfuls of spaghetti bolognese and had pudding- he's never eaten that much before!

I think the advice to lay off him is working so thanks again everyone

Hi OP glad that laying off is leaving you & him feeling more relaxed about mealtimes.

Just wanted to say that perhaps Goldmandra can come across as a bit blunt/harsh with her advice, but it is actually very sound. A year or so ago, I was the OP posting a very similar thread to yours, and I got much the same advice from her, including the suggestion to read 'my child wont eat'. I did as she suggested & discovered that the principle of offering a range of healthy foods & leaving the rest up to your child to decide if they want to eat it or not really does work.

No, it won't make your child eat the full range of foods that you may wish for them to eat, but mealtimes will no longer be a stressful experience (which can only be a good thing) & as a result they will, in time, start to expand their range of accepted foods.

One of the suggestions made to me was to put meals into serving dishes in the centre of the table, and allow DS to choose what he wants to eat. We still do this now & have generally found that it really helps. However DS will typically avoid helping himself to a new food that he may be unsure about (he may ask what it is & we tell him but still don't suggest he tries it - sometimes he does, sometimes not), and he never ever selects vegetables. He is 4.2 now and hasn't eaten any veggies at home since he was 13 months old. Like you, I don't want him to miss out on the nutrition of veggies, but I have 'been there done that' & learnt from bitter experience that trying to encourage him to eat them = pressure = complete refusal. So I have tried to accept that it may be several more years before he starts to choose them for himself at home & no longer say anything. Although sometimes I am still biting my tongue!!! And you know what, so far, it hasn't harmed him whatsoever. He gets his nutrition from other sources (loves his fruit) and is a healthy little boy. He is now at school & having school dinners & I hope that seeing his peers eat veggies may encourage him in a way that we can't.

Oh & regarding sandwich fillings being restricted to a limited range, my DS will eat jam or occasionally cheese. That is it, so that is what I give him. Don't feel bad if your DS only wants one or 2 fillings - it really doesn't matter. Toddlers naturally have a limited range of accepted foods and it will most certainly change as he gets older.

Hope things keep improving for you.

My DS has been a nightmare eater for the last year bit we've recently seen massive improvement with the whole ignoring method. If he says he doesn't like or want something we just say 'okay, it's up to you' and then change the subject. We do have a star chart system and one way for him to get a star is to try at least one bit of everything on his plate but we don't make a big issue of it and if he tries but doesn't like something that's fine, he doesn't have to eat it all. But half of the time he'll say he does like it. He still gets massively distracted all the time but I think that's a particular trait of this age group. The worst distraction at the moment is his baby brother!! Getting you're child to eat well and healthily has a lot of emotion attached to it for most parents so it's really hard to not get stressed about it. Hang in there, things can improve without intervention even if it takes a while

thanks Omama yes I can see how the technique could be beneficial- maybe I'm quick to refuse help from those who are too forceful too -just like my son- oh the irony!

I will try doing the serving dishes idea more- do you let them physically put the food in their bowl or dish it out? Funnily enough that's how we did it when I was growing up but DH hates using lots of bowls/dishes so that's why we got into the habit of serving it up in the kitchen onto their plates- but that is a bit unfair if I think about it as I'm giving them portions I think they want rather than what they actually want. I'm trying to be laid back about the veggies but it really does grate on me (no pun intended). Watching him eat maybe one piece of broccoli out of his salmon and broccoli pasta tonight and leaving the rest was hard- I just want him to get all that goodness in him! I can't believe your son hasn't eaten any veggies I just don't know if I can let him 100% choose to leave all his veggies. BUT I see my SIL and how she's handled fussy eating and her kids are SO fussy now and they're 12,8 and 6- she FORCES them to eat certain things first on their plates and eat all their veg. She gave us such a dirty look when we stayed as I didn't force mine to eat her (overcooked) broccoli. But I will only have to deal with her disapprovement once a year when we visit so I guess I can cope with that!

sometimesyouwin that's a good phrase to remember- 'ok its up to you' gives them the power and if they're expecting a power struggle it probably deflates them a bit and they think, oh mummy doesn't care...maybe I will eat it anyway as I do quite like it. Star chart is a good idea- an incentive but not with the pressure.Yeah being suspicious of new foods and getting distracted are the biggest problems- he often sits there for the first 10 mins squirming in his chair, turning round, playing with his straw etc before even eating.

I just don't want to cause any long term issues so thanks for the tips- I'll keep 'not caring' about what he eats and hopefully he'll stop making it an issue too