3 1/2 yr old eating issues -every evening is a battle- help!!

[sunshine05]

Ok so my 3 yo is doing the typical 'I don't like this' and not eating at dinner, whatever it is he fidgets, talks, does anything but eat. Up till now we've done the coaxing, getting cross, making him eat so many mouthfuls etc. It's just getting beyond a joke - dinner takes an hour or more and it's just painful. The HV suggested to me today to IGNORE his behaviour and she said hers did that and after a night or two he realised he wasn't getting any attention and started eating. So I thought I'd give it a whirl tonight. I remained calm and ignored him. First he said he didn't like it as it was too spicy. It did have some mild spice in so I gave him a blander version I had on the side anyway and said 'fine eat this then' and we had the same fidgeting and delaying and him saying stuff and I ignored it all. My eldest meanwhile had pudding and was allowed to watch tv. My 3 yo asked if he could eat and watch tv, but he still wouldn't eat so I've put him upstairs where he had a major meltdown.

What do I do now? I'm prepared for him not to finish his dinner and go to bed without tv but this is hideous. I'm assuming it has to get worse before it gets better??

any other tips/ideas would be most appreciated!!

The standard advice is to put it in front of him without comment, remove it without comment and not give him anything else. Watching TV after not eating would be fine.

However, I couldn't let my DS go hungry, so I always made sure there was something on his plate that he liked

Agree with noblegiraffe. We had a fussy eater & while I know it is incredibly frustrating, the best thing you can do is not comment whatsoever. Talk about anything but food, show him that mealtime is a social time as well as for eating. Dont offer alternatives, and if he tries to draw you into discussions by saying he doesnt like it just say 'ok' & change the subject. If he doesnt eat just remove it without comment. Whether you allow pudding is up to you - we always allow ds fruit even if he refuses main course, but wouldnt let him have stuff like cake/biscuits/ice cream etc since he'd happily refuse his meal if he knew he'd still get that!!

Dont punish him for not eating eg no tv/bed. The less of a deal you can make of it the better - he will soon lose interest in the power struggle.

Finally dont be surprised if this continues for quite a while - ds is only now at 4 starting to try a few new foods eg curry, tomato sauce etc. Before that his list of accepted foods was very limited. Hth.

I would agree with the above but also add that I would set a time limit on the duration of mealtimes. 20 min for 1 course, 30 min for two courses. Otherwise the entire evening becomes a drawn out battle.

I get the no comment bit but it's difficult -if he starts turning round in his seat or playing with his fork do I say something? He would do that for half an hour if I didn't stop him and not eat at all.

thanks for the advice- I'll keep persevering!

If you're going to decide on 20 minutes for dinner then take it away, then an actual physical timer is useful so that they can see how much time they have left. Then instead of saying 'stop pissing around and eat your dinner' you can say 'ten minutes left, then it's time for TV/bedtime/whatever'. 'Last minute before TV, if you want any more dinner you'd better eat it up now'

My DS responds very well to timers, he tries to beat them, so if he finished before the timer I'd be all 'well done, you beat the timer!'

noblegiraffe I could try the timer thing but he has no concept of time yet i.e. doesn't know the difference between 5 or 20 minutes. But I could try and see how it goes.

tonight was just as bad, I tried to ignore him but he just says 'how many mouthfuls' and I hate that game -it makes dinner one big long bloody painful game and it shouldn't be.

I can't let him watch tv if he hasn't eaten all his dinner - I just don't think he deserves it and if I don't give him that ultimatum he won't eat.

argh! Its just really doing my head in.

Don't reward eating or punish not eating would be my advice. Always offer a small healthy supper regardless of whether he's eaten dinner. Then he has another opportunity to eat before bed without him needing you to give in. I know that sounds counter intuitive but it really helped my son and took the pressure off .

If you think he needs a punishment, then surely being hungry is punishment enough. Don't disrupt your evening if he doesn't eat.

DS1 has ASD, so his eating issues were somewhat more complex, but we put his dinner out with everyone else's and, then, if pud was being served, we'd serve his with everyone else's, too. Quite often, the pud would tempt him to the table and then he'd go back and taste, or even demolish his main course.

Give him dinner, eat yours. If he hasn't eaten after 30mins then he gets down and carries on with whatever he would do, including TV or desert ( just plain yogurt/ fruit).

Bed as usual

Tomorrow at breakfast he will be hunger sure, but that's the point.

It's just food

I give a time scale. And remind at minute intervals.
They can only have toast if they don't eat their tea, but can help themselves to fruit/yoghurts if they eat most of it.

I don't expect clear plates but I do expect them to eat something.
We are about 4 days in and after 2 nights of dinner in the bin both kids ate almost everything and were relatively sensible about it.

Don't think of TV as a reward for eating. Ignore him at dinner and then either after he says he's finished or a certain amount of time let him down to carry on with his evening. If he later says he's hungry give him toast but don't make a big deal of it. Don't make it a battle

In your position, I would serve tea, allow a set time, but not actually tell your ds there isca time.

I wouldn't get into any conversation about the meal, but would insist that both children (or whole family) stay at the table for that time. So, even if your other child has finished, keep them chatting about random stuff.

Then, when the time has ended, just thank any child who has eaten nicely, say "all done, let's clear the plates and watch telly".

No drama, time to eat even if he is just picking at it, and no distraction.

rewarding/punishing him for eating or not eating will not work.

He will start eating, ignoring his appetite, for the reward. That way obesity lies.

He should eat if he's hungry. Not if he isn't.

Sit him down to eat with everyone. Don't comment. When everyone else is finished, tell him he can go. The most you should say is weren't you hungry.

If he's hungry later on, toast or plain yoghurt.

He needs to listen to his hunger signals.

I don't think you need to punish. The dinner thing and the TV are separate issues.

Give him dinner, talk about anything but, take it away and the evening carries on as normal. He will soon learn that not eating is rubbish and gets him no attention.

Brilliant book called 'getting the little blighters to eat' - small and can be read in under an hour

thanks for more replies! I'm really struggling with not getting annoyed/taking it personally when he doesn't eat every night and I KNOW I shouldn't. From today I will try this method - no comments, just eat then clear it away. Thanks for the advice. It's so hard when you get stuck in a vicious cycle and keep focussing on the negative. I might offer fruit if he doesn't eat his dinner as a pudding. Only because he's not as keen on fruit as his brother so maybe that'll nudge him to eat more dinner if he knows his only other option is fruit. Toast would be too much of a nice snack for him! I struggled with my eldest not eating enough dinner then saying he was hungry at bedttime and he regularly started eating a banana before bed. It wasn't ideal but obviously I wanted him to eat enough especially as they're growing so much at this age.

He also says 'how many mouthfuls do I have to have' pretty much straight away when we sit down (so you can see how we used to handle it!) so it's hard to ignore and say we're not doing that any more. I'll try and change the topic/talk about other stuff.

I don't want him to grow up with an unhealthy view on food i.e. pudding is a treat, dinner is a chore and all that goes with overeating and obesity. We're a very active healthy family (eat from scratch, nothing processed) so hopefully that is a good start. They do get treats in the form of sweets once or twice a week but I don't see any harm in that- I had that as a child and I've not been overweight.

Thanks for the tip re the book- I'll have a look.

He also says 'how many mouthfuls do I have to have' pretty much straight away when we sit down

Just tell him it's up to him and change the subject.

You need to stop thinking in terms of wanting him to eat full stop. It isn't your job to want him to eat or to worry about whether toast is too nice a treat to have as an alternative.

You philosophy needs to be that you will provide a balanced diet and he will choose from what is available. If he would be allowed toast as a snack after having eaten a meal, why deny it him because he hasn't eaten? If it wouldn't be available after he's eaten a meal, don't make it available because he didn't eat.

If he's hungry at bedtime tell him there is fruit in the fruit bowl and engage no more than that.

TV and other nice activities need to be available because they are available and not linked in any way to food.

If he messes around at the table tell him that, if he would like to sit at the table, he needs to behave nicely and, if he continues to mess around, he will have to get down and wait elsewhere for the rest of you to finish. Once he's down he doesn't get to interact with those left at the table or get back up and eat any more.

Don't praise him for eating or express any displeasure at him not eating. What he chooses to put in his mouth is solely his business. Don't offer food but allow him to select what he would like from serving bowls on the table. At the end of the meal ask him if he has finished and take what is left away while talking about something totally unconnected with food.

This is not going to be solved in a day. You need to change your approach and then allow him time to realise that you are behaving differently, change his behaviour a few times to see what effect it has on you and then, when he understands the new ethos, settle into it. Be consistent and patient.

I agree with what you're saying mostly Goldmandra but I do think that positive praise when he's eating well is a good thing. The HV also said at this age its best to avoid negative behaviour and praise positive behaviour- after all most kids do like to please their parents. I think telling him to get down if he's mucking around is a good idea- I have tried time out but that leads to him kicking and screaming and having a meltdown upstairs which I guess is all adding to the drama and negative attention. I would probably let him sit back down when he's had some time away from us though as that will give him a chance to finish his meal with us 'nicely'.

I'll let you know how it goes. It's going to be hard for DH as he's almost military in the way he expects his kids to finish their meals! The irony is he was forced to finish his meals as a kid (had to sit for hours chewing on cold cooked carrots- now he can't eat them!) and now he's doing the same to them! I have told him and also sent him a link on that research about how forcing kids to finish their plates can lead to future obesity. He's more likely to listen to some scientific evidence than me!

I'll let you all know how its going in a few days.

On the same topic but slightly off track- he is also fussy with the range of foods he eats. for example the only things I can get him to eat in a sandwich are cream cheese, pate or tuna mayo. So when he goes to preschool he gets one of these. How can I get him to like other things? I offer new fillings but he rejects them. (he also likes peanutbutter and jam but I can't send those in due to their no peanut butter rule) I was talking to another mum who said something like -I like to give my kids a big range of sandwich fillings not just cheese or jam like some parents (I was so embarrassed thinking that's all my child ate!) and yet neither my husband or me are fussy eaters and eat a wide range of healthy and interesting food. Maybe it's just his age?

also - at the moment pudding is either plain greek yogurt with a bit of honey or rice syrup on (or eldest sometimes has a sprinkle of granola and berries- he's more adventurous!) or custard (from a carton) or sometimes semolina (home made). I give them fruit as snacks during the day so we don't tend to have lots of fruit for pudding. So- I'm just thinking should we go back to more healthier basics like plain yogurt or fruit for puddings for this to work? I know the 3yo goes for less healthy options so maybe keep the custard and other puddings for the weekends? like apple crumbles etc. I don't want to never give them these sort of puddings as I think they're fine in moderation and my kids are so slim a few calories won't hurt. But then keeping these puddings for weekends makes them more of a 'treat' too. We probably only have less healthy puddings a couple of times a week anyway- I'm too busy to make any more than that!

I have a 3.5 year old who doesn't eat dinner. We've turned it into a complete non-issue. Dinner is there on the table. He has the choice to eat it or not. Sometimes he'd rather run about, play, do a little dance, whatever. Most of the time he likes to sit at the table and join in with our chat. He helps feed his little sister.

Both DP and I had eating disorders growing up. We are quite adamant that eating will not affect his psyche one bit. He has control over what he eats (although we don't have processed stuff in the house so eating junk is not an option)

If I look back over the course of the day, I find he's generally eaten enough during the day to justify his reluctance to eat at dinner anyway.

Can you send him with something other than a sandwich? Them don't need to worry about fillings. Neither of mine really like regular bread, so have never had a sandwich. If I have to make a packed lunch/ picnic I usually make either pasta of some sort, or just add mixture of things ie some protein ( cold chicken/ sausage/ egg/ pot houmous ), some dairy ( cubes cheese/ pot Greek yogurt/ phili), some carb or nuts ( strips pitta bread to dip if phili or houmous added, or), and some veg/ fruit cut up

The HV also said at this age its best to avoid negative behaviour and praise positive behaviour

Eating isn't behaviour that needs to be managed. Children need to listen to their bodies, not do what the adults want. Praise for sitting nicely is fine or for having good table manners. Praise for eating isn't appropriate. You want him to eat because he is hungry and/or enjoying the food, not because he is trying to please you.

You are still in the mindset that his eating is something you need to control. You don't. Your job is to give him access to a balanced diet and nothing more.

Three year olds are still in the age group that is wary of unfamiliar foods due to a basic instinct that steers them away from foods that may be unsafe. This is a really bad age to try to persuade children to increase the range of foods they eat, even if they are generally enthusiastic eaters. When you are already having battles, the last thing you should be doing is trying to make changes to his diet.

You need to stop comparing him to other children or yourself to other mothers and just concentrate on make sure that what you make available to him is reasonably well balanced and keeping your own emotions firmly out of it.

Food is clearly a really emotive subject for you and your DS's issues around eating aren't going to be resolved until you can work out a way to hand control back to him completely and allow him to choose freely from the food on offer what to put in his own mouth without worrying about what you will think or say.

Eating isn't behaviour that needs to be managed..

Sorry but I disagree entirely with this. A child isn't going to become obese because you expect them to eat a meal at dinner time. If a child doesn't eat their meal then no snacks should be offered, they wait until the next meal (supper included, they shouldn't go to bed hungry). They will soon learn to eat at meal times.

OP it sounds like you're doing everything right to not make it into a battle but not offer treats when mes haven't been touched. Sounds to me like you're finding the right balance

That should say when meals haven't been touched

I'm not sure what you 'entirely disagree with Blueberry. Are you just being goady?

I have never suggested that a child will become obese because they are expected to eat a meal at dinner time. In fact I would say quite the opposite.

Children who learn to eat because they are allowed to become hungry are doing so because they are beginning to listen to their bodies and either feel or anticipate hunger.

It's fine to reduce snacks so that a child is ready and enthusiastic by their next meal time. That is what helps them to listen to their bodies and make better decisions about eating. You should never withhold food as a punishment.

Eating is something children should be doing from choice and instinct, not because of praise, rewards or sanctions.

It is our job to offer a balanced diet at the times we feel it is appropriate to do so. We should not be trying to manage what our children choose to select from what we offer.

Completely agree with goldmandra