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Original poster

None of this is really my business, but I am worried about my dn

28 replies

manchestermummy · 05/10/2014 09:21

I can't help it, and I would never say anything, but I am concerned about my 13 mo dn.

SIL broke up with her dp when dn was very tiny and now lives with MIL. Her xdp is horrible, and I have no doubt that things are very tough. SIL stopped working before dn was born (not sure why: she just decided she was no longer going to be working) and MIL is penniless. I am not sure how they are existing.

MIL is a very kind person but had her children in the 1970s and as such "does things differently". Her influence over SIL is considerable, and given that SIL doesn't really mix with other parents with young babies, she cannot see that some of the things she's doing are really not helpful.

Sound like enough of a pitch yet? Read on...

Dn still sleeps in a Moses basket downstairs at naptime. Because SIL cannot be bothered with taking her up. Dn is far too big for it and tries to wriggle out of it.

MIL believes the only safe place to change a happy is on a raised surface. Thatwould be fine if it was not for the fact that because dn isn't walking yet, sIL does not consider her to be mobile and will leave her on the dining table (where she is changed) unsupervised. This makes me very nervous and if I see that I do not go anywhere! Dn fell off a bed a few months ago when SIL was doing similar and ended up in A and E with a huge bump to the head. Quite why no-one has learned their lesson here is beyond me.

Dn spends hours and hours a day in a baby walker. She is crawling a bit and bum shuffling and I know that is normal at that age, but she is not bearing weight on her legs. Something most babies enjoy doing? She did start pulling up about 6 weeks ago but has since stopped. SiL is a bit concerned and I just said that maybe as she can get from a to b her own way she just doesn't see the need: my dd2never crawled properly because she saw no point to it.

MIL and SIL's diet is terrible. MIL genuinely believes that ready meals are better than home cooked food and that is all they eat. At 13 mo, dn is fed mainly on baby food pouches. There is no finger food as it "is a choking risk", "too messy" and dn "doesn't

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Original poster
manchestermummy · 05/10/2014 09:27

Sorry posted too soon....

"Doesn't have enough teeth" (she has plenty for a baby her age). She was off her food the other week so SIL "bulked her up" with chocolate cake and mustard. All food is mushed up; there are no lumps. This is MIL's influence: I will never forget her mashing dd1's dinner up and serving in a bowl with a spoon when she was nearly five (no issues with chewing/swallowing). My dc have to drink out of baby cups there still (dc1 is nearly 7). Dn drink milk and juice only: MIL believes juice is very good for babies and there is always a bottle on the go.

None of this is anything to do with me, but I am worried.

Thanks for reading.

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Original poster
manchestermummy · 05/10/2014 09:28

Chocolate cake and custard!!! Autocorrect fail!

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RandomMess · 05/10/2014 09:33

Very tricky one indeed. All you can really do is encourage SIL to get out and make friends and start mixing with other parents with dc a similar age.

Can you invite your SIL and dn around to yours (without MIL) so there is no baby walker etc. for her to use.

I can understand your concerns and I don't think your MIL is showing the norm parenting from the 70s tbh...

smokeandglitter · 05/10/2014 09:36

Talk to your SIL? Suggest mumsnet and some parenting groups? Could you go with her to mum and baby group . Sometimes it's scary going alone.

Original poster
manchestermummy · 05/10/2014 10:14

We've thought of having them over minus MIL but MIL would get the hump. Going to groups with her is a great idea but I work three days a week. There was a group I could have got to, but she lives 10 miles away and I would struggle to get back to pick up dd2 from pre-school.

I've suggested going to a play centre but she isn't keen. She's still in the "older children are too big and scary" mindset and is too worried about my dd2 somehow causing a problem.

For full disclosure, MIL also has a dog who takes precedence in the house. Dn i think is restrained in case she hurts the dog Sad

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SanityClause · 05/10/2014 10:20

Could your DH speak to SIL?

You may be perceived as interfering, but he is Blood.

Lottapianos · 05/10/2014 10:26

Dear god OP, no wonder you're worried. They both sound barking and like they just want to keep DN contained and as convenient as possible at all times. Just as one example, she absolutely should be having a range of textures and not just mashed food all the time. If babies don't get to experience hard and lumpy food by about 18 months old, they become extremely resistant to these kinds of textures and it can be much harder to introduce them.

What you say about the dog is seriously worrying. If I came across this situation through my work, I would be alerting my Safeguarding team. Do you feel that your DN is actually safe in that house? Large dog, DN left unattended on a high surface...?

RandomMess · 05/10/2014 10:26

Blimey.

Can SIL come on a "holiday" to visit for the dc to "bond" - a week in a different environment and all that...

Or go on holiday and take SIL & dn with you - somewhere there just isn't enough room for MIL, or to give MIL a break - or the dog can't go????

Could do it as a last minute thing so there is little chance for MIL to force her way in?

Original poster
manchestermummy · 05/10/2014 10:31

He has tried the heavy hinting. They other day I gave dn a cucumber slice (she was reaching for cake) as I might have done with my dc at that age. Dn loved it. SIL removed it from her mouth and substituted it for cake mushed with double cream. I guess I was interfering but come on! SIL was busy at the time which was why I had dn in my arms.

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Original poster
manchestermummy · 05/10/2014 10:33

Sorry I should be thanking you for not telling me I am a busy-body.

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evelynj · 05/10/2014 10:36

Get dh to talk directly to her. It's not fair on dn & sil needs to be educated.

Original poster
manchestermummy · 05/10/2014 10:36

Lotta interesting. I hate dogs so I always worry I am being unfair. Safe in the house? I hope so. Dh did mentioned baby-proofing (or baby safety-ing which I think is more accurate/appropriate) and MIL was baffled by the suggestion.

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LIZS · 05/10/2014 10:45

Does sil have access to a Surestart centre . They have all sorts of groups and courses which embed topics such as healthy eating , even cooking a meal together on the premises for parents and children to share. dn would get to mix with other children her age. Could you acquire a travel cot "from a friend" . All babies fall off the bed at some point but if you think there is a h and s risk you could speak to her HV off the record.

magicalmrmistofelees · 05/10/2014 10:50

Gosh my DD was still in her Moses basket at 8 months as she hated her cot and refused to sleep in it, but we had to go cold turkey in the end as she was far too big for it and I thought she would knock it over. It must be a real safety risk at 13 months. Spending hours in a baby walker is really not great, it encourages babies to walk on their tippy toes rather than their whole foot. Did DN have a 12 month check with a HV? I know we have one where I live. Second the suggestion of a Surestart centre, they're a great resource for new parents.

Original poster
manchestermummy · 05/10/2014 10:51

We still have our travel cot which we are keeping her in case she does come round.

I've told her about Sure Start centres (provision is good here - she is in same la despite the distance away she lives) SIL wasn't interested. She says the hv is more interested in her personal circs (the break up with the dp) so doesn't see her.

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Original poster
manchestermummy · 05/10/2014 10:52

They do 8 mo checks here and dn hasn't had it.

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LIZS · 05/10/2014 10:55

Shame, Surestart are very non judgemental and may have things like a toy library so she wouldn't need to buy things to stimulate her dd. Keep an eye out in case there are any fun days or free events there which might encourage her to go along with you. They also have sessions with benefits advisers, counsellors, outreach workers and drop-in play. Would your mil go along to one ? Can you loan them the travel cot to use for naps or as a playpen alternative to a baby walker.

Original poster
manchestermummy · 05/10/2014 11:01

SIL trashes things and if I loan the cot it won't survive but that is a goof idea.

We have given her so much stuff. The cot stayed outside in a shed for months on end and went mouldy. I was upset about that. We aren't planning more dc at the mo but that made me Sad

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Original poster
manchestermummy · 05/10/2014 11:06

MIL wouldn't go to a surestart centre . She would worry that there was an ulterior motive to interfere with dn. She is incredibly suspicious of anything remotely 'interventional': she refuses to go for a mammogram, for example, as "they can't see anything on those grainy images".

They are mad, both of them. And guess who gets criticised constantly? Yup! Me and DH....

Sad
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Anotherchapter · 05/10/2014 11:16

Oh dear - I'd up putting my big foot in it.

My mil and grandmother are the same. They would prefer to by dd (16) a pouch of fruit purée rather buying a bloody peach or nectarine which she loves. Every thing is mashed in to mush. My grandmother actually bought ribena for dd because it's 'full of vitamins' Confused - she got upset when I refused it. I think they see it as " well it never did you any harm.."ect

I wonder why HV hasn't chased her up? Has she had her injections.

I would just start saying in a conversational way " when are you going to start doing x,y,z ? My dd was around x at the time - goverment guidelines suggest x - what do you think?"

The changing on high surface I would broach because it's fucking dangerous. I would just blantently say " Jesus SIL ! That's dangerous "

Regarding Moses - " ah look at her... She's all cramped up - shall we go looking for a cot and have a day out"

Get her a book on baby weening. Some have plans for ages so she may see the difference.

Good luck

Anotherchapter · 05/10/2014 11:21

Sixty years ago my granny put sedatives in my uncles bottles to go to sleep Shock

She used to get it from the chemist! Thank god it got banned!! She still looks wistful and fondly about it now!

Original poster
manchestermummy · 05/10/2014 11:45

I did tactfully suggest that juice in a bottle was not the best idea. I started a general conversation about how hard I found it to ditch milk in bottles, and how I was happy they would at least have water in cups.

The juice in the bottle is fine because it's diluted Manchester don't you know...

Was the answer to that.

I really thought that after dn tumbled off the bed the changing on a high surface might stop but no.

They do all sorts of things that I wouldn't do: lots of tv; no napping routine. And that is all okay because we all do things differently. However, some things (lack of physical variety, diet etc.) I struggle with because current advice contradicts.

I have no idea if her 8 mo check is being chased up. I suspect not.

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Original poster
manchestermummy · 05/10/2014 11:48

Another I used those exact words re the Moses basket! She has a cot: ours!!!!!! It's more convenient to keep her downstairs and I know there are many people who prefer to keep them in sight during naps. It looks blooming dangerous though...

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fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 05/10/2014 11:53

Loads of kids spend ages in a baby walker and still weight bear on feet.

Sounds like more if a physical issue to me, like low tone or hypermobile joints, which might explain why she feels she won't roll off a surface or get out of Moses basket.

I'd be cautious when parent blaming about developmental issues.

Original poster
manchestermummy · 05/10/2014 11:57

That is the issue exactly: if she does have issues such as you describe how would we know? She has little opptunity to try. Baby needs to go down? In the walker? Dog roaming? In the walker

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