My 8 Year Old Son traumatised by custody decision please help.

[mummytippy]

My DS's father was surprisingly awarded custody of our DS three weeks ago.
My DS did not have the opportunity to be heard during the court process and is absolutely traumatised by the decision.
I had always been the primary carer after I split from his father when my DS was 18 months but in Nov last year I had to take a job back where I'm from. I asked his father if he could help by having our DS 4 nights during the week temporarily so my DS could finish at his prep school. His father agreed but then out of the blue he applied to the Court in May this year for a residency order. Like something out of Jeremy Kyle he concocted a web of untruths and stories which the Judge believed as so here I am.
My son now only sees me on alternate weekends... Whereas before he was with me all of the time (from 18 months - Nov last year) and then whilst he was finishing school (Nov - July) he saw me each week Fri from school pick up to Mon eve where I would then return him to stay at his father's house.
I undertook all of the transportation which was approx 400 miles per week.
My son was fully expecting to be with me as agreed from July this year and starting the school across the road where he already has friends but non of that has happened.
My DS has now had to start a school he knew nothing of with only a couple of children he knew previously from where his father lives and desperately wants to be with me.
My question relates to his emotional well being as he is suffering from anxiety and does not ever want to return to his father after his weekends with me (of which there have only been 2 so far). My DS has told his father's partner ( girlfriend) that he upset as he wants to live with me and has become very resentful as his voice was not heard.

Who can he speak to now so that he may be heard and what is the best way to go about it as the first thing his father will do will be point the finger at me accusing me of influencing him when I am not.

His father has refused tea-time contact too so my son was also hopeful of that. I'm seriously concerned at how hurt he is and what can be done as this situation has certainly scared him.

Thanking anyone who can help in advance. Thank you.

So sorry to hear of your problems. Sounds to me like you need advice from a good family lawyer.

In the meantime difficult as it may be for you, you need to reassure your son, that his dad and stepmum do love him and living with his dad is nothing to be fearful about. It's hard for you to do that I am sure, when you actually want him to prefer living with you, but for his well being, and in case you are not able to get a change to the courts decision, its vital that you help your son accept the situation as it is. He mustn't be encouraged to resent his father, nor his stepmother, who is pretty much the innocent party in all this, and maybe even sympathetic to you.

Encouraging some level of acceptance in your son will also lead to better relations regarding access, should you not be able to change the decision.

I do wish you and your son all the best in this , for you, nightmare scenario, but please try not to allow it to be a nightmare for your little boy too. You need all your strength, your back is broader than his..

I feel so sorry for you. All I can suggest is giving your son strategies for coping with missing you. Good luck.

Thank you for your messages and kind wishes. A living nightmare is exactly what it is. My whole being is for my DS.

Yes, it is difficult to reassure him as he actually said himself 'Daddy is mean' because it was his father who refused the private mediation put forward at the review hearing so the seeds of resentment were planted by his father.

Whilst the Court process was progressing I constantly told him everyone loved him and wanted the best for him. My son was adamant that he wanted to speak to the Judge.

As far as coping strategies go, my son took his mobile phone back to his fathers last weekend for reassurance. He wanted to be able to message me anytime and his friends (who all have his number) and vice versa.

The next thing I knew was messages I'd sent him hadn't been read and when I enquired my son said his father had taken his phone off him. I asked his father to return his phone (as it's also an iPod, camera and has photo albums on it) and the answer I got was 'We (he and his partner) believe mobile phones are not safe for young children'. Funny how he was allowed to use it whilst finishing school without any problems.

It is a heartwrentchingly horrid situation of which neither my son or I have control. I just can't understand how I am meant to allow this to continue.
It is one thing to have a residency order but quite another to make contact difficult. Surely social services would be unhappy with his conduct?

Any further advice on who my son could actually talk to would be helpful. Thank you.

I can only repeat seek legal advice from a good family lawyer. At least you know a lawyer is acting for you. Social services cannot be trusted, as , rightly, they put the childs needs first, BUT their interpretation of your sons needs may unfortunately coincide with his fathers. The fact that the judge believed his father would mean that social workers are likely to assume the judge was correct.

Your story is a nightmare scenario for any mum. On a more personal level I wonder if you can try to relate to your sons stepmother. She could be a true ally in this if you can get her on your side. You must feel like killing his father for taking the mobile off him! That appears to be a very vengeful act designed to hurt you, on the other hand it could be that his father holds the genuine belief that you are deliberately unsettling him, and reduced contact will help your son to settle down in his fathers home. Who knows?

Another possibility would be if there is a teacher at his school he could speak to but I advise against encouraging that without speaking to a family lawyer first. The last thing you need is to be labelled as some kind of manipulative mental case deliberately making your son unhappy. The most valuable thing you can do is make the time you do spend with your son as lovely as possible so that he enjoys being with you. If you fail to regain custody then as he gets older he will have more say in the situation and he may well choose to return to living with you.

Have you also considered moving near to his father so as to ease access for your son too?

Another thought is to help him to keep in touch via email?

Thank you for your message Aerfen.

I am going to seek the advice of a good family lawyer but as I've said I have been advised to wait a little while to allow my son to have a chance of settling.

My son's father will as you put it use any excuse to make me out to be what you described as a 'manipulative mental case' when I most certainly am not. I actually resisted contacting my son from Friday morning after wishing him a lovely day at school incase his father accused me of encroaching on their weekend time. Then at about 5.35pm today my son tried to call me from his mobile. It took me about 20mins before I managed to speak to him (calling their landline first and then my son's mobile and alternating between the two) before actually speaking to him. When I asked if he was okay and that I was sorry I missed his call, he said he hadn't called me? But there is the the missed call as clear as day on my phone from his mobile? His father was in ear shot... so I just don't know for sure what happened.

The school are supportive and the Head actually believes what has happened is not in my DS's best interests. I had requested after receiving the verdict that my DS go to the school where all his friends have gone from his prep school and his father refused. The Head of the school where he is now thought that too was terrible... Saying that he should have at least have been allowed to remain with his friendship groups and a tutor I spoke to was talking also about the different calibre of his original friends to the friends he will make now.

On the point of relocating it is pretty much impossible. I only just earn enough to cover my overheads as it is and am on a higher rate of pay here than I could hope for back up there in my line of work. That was the whole point of me taking the position that I have when I did. The hours suited my son perfectly too. Three full days per week.

Relocating again to where my son is, is exactly what my DS's father wants too as he is controlling and manipulatitive. I really feel sorry for his partner, I was with him for nine years all in all.

My parents and my support network are around me in this location. Even if I was able to move I would be completely alone with no guarentee my son's father would increase contact and settling here surely would prove that I am settling back in this area which is what I had intended to do all along.

I understand what you are saying about social services but as far as I know all school can do is rely what my DS tells them to me and his father and in his fathers case it would fall on deaf ears.

I simply want my DS's voice to be heard and for him to be able to talk as he is so desperate to do so.

It is extremely difficult... When speaking on the phone earlier I can hear in his voice just how weary he is with it all. I'm taking him for tea tomorrow eve and I said 'I can't wait to see you tomorrow' to which he replied the same but after the words 'I can't wait' it was like he checked himself and quietly said the remainder of the sentence almost under his breath so no one could here him.

I've guaranteed him a tea time of fun and cuddles and we are both looking forward to it.

I never for a million years thought I'd be in this situation.

Thank you again.

With regard to the step-mum... I will wait to see what my son has to say tomorrow. I did wonder whether to ask her about what My son had confided in her by telling her that I know he has and to ask her what she told him by way of reassurance. I do have her email address so I could ask this question separately?

Any thoughts on this would be appreciated too.

Thank you.

Oh dear. Other thoughts are to give your son an innocuous object that you tell him has been filled with your love to keep near him (my 6 year old doesn't get the point of doing this, but I've heard it can help some kids), and saving up for the possibility of taking legal action in a few years when your son is old enough for his wishes to be heard by a court.

Maybe cultivate step-mum's trust slowly before asking for specific info?

Thank you Gingercat

My DS has an army of teddies which he has always taken back and fourth. He is mature in his attitude but is sensitive (a true mummies boy). He has always been a softie pie like me and why not when I was the primary carer of him until I had to take my job. It is the actual Court process (delay whilst the hearings which took place) which has caused the most damage.

I'm upset anyway, but what seems so unjust is my DS was not heard through the Court process in the first place and now he is suffering emotionally as a result. I can't see to give it a few years until he is older to be heard. He is talking openly with me but is afraid to with his father. Surely by the time he is older the emotional harm will have been done and the natural resentment set in?
There has to be a way forward for children who become traumatised by a Court decision where the emotional harm is so detrimental. His father also has a turbulent relationship with his girlfriend and a criminal record of various assaults from years ago plus an incident of domestic violence against me me when my DS was a baby. All in the Cafcass initial report... And the reason I ended the relationship with him.

Also it's the simple fact that I am well aware what the Court decision means with regard to 'residence', but his father is obstructing any additional contact where I'm prepared to do the travelling. He said in the witness box that he would share residency should I live in the area (because as I've said, this is what he wants - to control me and my movements). My barrister pointed out that if I travel to the area for tea time contact it is the same so he did agree initially to set days on intervening weeks but he only put forward the days I work!!!
My days of are Mon and Fri so I suggested Fri for tea so I would see my DS every Fri. This is what he was used to during the temporary arrangement whilst he finished school so 'maintaining the status quo' and also importantly it would have allowed my DS to continue with his piano lessons every week which he's had since he was 4. Currently there is no provision for this so he is also missing out on doing something that he loves. He was at the stage where he was attending recitals and contests. All of this was put forward and his father said my son was indifferent to continuing his piano lessons and instead wanted to take up Karate. This was not the case! My son had said he was concerned he now wouldn't be able to continue his lessons so this is why Fridays were suggested with this point backing it.

Might I add, when I met my DS's father he had a 3 year old son who he forsake by moving to live where I am now. He did not hold a driving license as so I used to travel to collect this child on alternate weekends and entertain him whilst his father sometimes worked. I find it a bitter pill to swallow that I did that for 7 years (until he learnt to drive and then we moved to his part of the world) and now he is preventing me from seeing my DS because it does not fit in with their routine or Friday tea time encroaches on their weekend! His father doesn't get home until 6.30 on a Friday and I had said I would return my DS at a time convenient to him.

I am documenting everything as surely this is truly and obviously a game of revenge on me and certainly not in the best interests of my DS.

The Judge did say that we must both move forwards on contact and that he did not want to see us back in the Courtroom. Had the decision been granted in my favour I would have had an open door to his DS as I always did. The problem there would have been his reluctance to travel which is why my parents think he has pulled this stunt in the first place.

With regard to the the stepmother, I believe she would do anything to back my DS's father so I will tread carefully. I think if I emailed her she would simply come back with something like 'He's perfectly fine'.
My DS's home-school diary went missing before Court where she had written my son was missing me... I had photocopies of the diary as evidence so they knew. She also lied in Court, they both did. Denying the state of their relationship and things my son said he has seen. I don't know how either of them sleep at night.

Apologies my reply is so long but I feel the Judge has completely missed the true character of my DS father and am sure that if he knew half of this he would be extremely dissatisfied.

Many Thanks.

Think Gingercat is right that you need to cultivate the stepmum very slowly. Your ex sounds like a totally unreasonable plonker and she may well be feeling insecure about him. I cannot imagine that she wants to steal your son, currently a sweet little boy, but who in a few years could be a challenging teenager. She is surely simply bending to your ex's wishes, or perhaps she too has been lied to by him and believes his stories about you.

The huge dilemma for you here is you are torn between helping your son to settle and be happy at his dads, and your own desire to have him back, which much as I hate to say it, is probably more likely to happen if his unhappiness is very apparent (manifested in problems at school, difficult challenging behaviour etc). Anything you do though which doesn't encourage the former could seriously misfire against you, since it would underline his fathers lies, and could end up with your access being further restricted, plus of course, you don't want your son to be unhappy. Its truly a catch22.

This is why I think you need some professional advice from a lawyer without delay. Wonder too if it would help you to get some counselling (dont know if Relate help in this situation?) Meanwhile do keep very careful note of everything his father does to obstruct contact, including the time he took his mobile off him. Obstructing contact is something the courts view very seriously and might act in your favour. Another approach you might want to think about is going for increased contact time, while accepting (or appearing to accept) that his primary residence remains with his father.

What a cheek of the judge to say he doesn't want to see you back in court, effectively demanding his bad judgement should go unchallenged though,especially when your lads views went unheard!

Thank you for your message Aerfen

I am in the process of trying to hear back from my solicitor as my son reported his father and partner arguing and scaring him via message from his mobile phone.

This was after he told me on Monday when I took him for tea where he told me his father and partner argued in front if him and about him at a sleepover they had all gone to at the weekend.

My son said his fathers partner had asking him who he wanted to live with. My DS told her again, me. Then he heard her saying 'I'm going to turn on you and side with ... ' (me). This happened downstairs and my son was in bed. They both then came upstairs and my son pretended to be asleep. He told me his father shook/poked him and asked if he was asleep. He then said to him 'can you hear all of this?' and my son continued to pretend to be asleep and they continued to argue. He told me his father swore and told me the words he used and his partner was crying. He said he felt scared.

I am worried sick and am waiting for the advice if what to do next. Back to Court or involve Social Services.

In addition to this my DS's father and partner sent me 2 texts and tried to telephone me after dropping my son off at 7.50pm on Monday.
They said my son was devastated and 'I didn't have to cry on him'!!! I did not. I was actually giggling at him trying to chivvy him. I gave him a hug and and a kiss said see you on Friday that's 4 sleeps. My son then came back for a second hug and I kissed him again. We then waved, we blew kisses and his father took him round the back of the house.

The second text was referring to his mobile phone. His father told me that my son was no longer allowed it and I can either collect it from them or he could post it.

Before my son got out of my vehicle he said he didn't want to go... I told him he had to but I would send him a goodnight text. He said his Dad might not let him. About 10 mins after driving away I sent him a message thanking him for a lovely teatime and that I loved him. My son replied with a message saying 'I'm not allowed to send private messages, night'. I replied with 'Night night Sweetheart I love you'.

Then yesterday morning I got the message about them arguing.
I cannot describe how I feel. I feel completely helpless and my son should not have to go through this.

I am seriously concerned too as the texts sent afterwards were untrue and trying in my opinion to make out I am an over emotional person which in view of the circumstances I have actually found an inner strength purposefully for my son. I am well aware crying is not going to help, least of all my son. I feel I need a witness to everything. His partner was in the house so she couldn't even see me and my son. What am I to do if they continue to make things up. It is hurtful and fabricated.

My initial reaction to the first text which was from her was she was trying to open a door after what she had discussed with my son at the weekend.

I feel like my son is trapped and it's 2 unreasonable people against one truthful one.

My solicitor has warned that if it goes back to Court so soon it could be put before the same Judge who could criticise me for it on the grounds that my son hasn't been given time to settle and develope the new routine!?!

As I've said already and you have probably gathered, how on Earth is he going to in such a hostile environment? They are pretty much in my view completely in denial that my son got upset on Monday evening because he wants to be with me. It does not need them to make up lies about me crying on him it needs for them to put my son's wishes and feelings first.

I have asked my solicitor to send a letter to my DS's father pointing out what DID happen when I dropped my son off for the record and to ask them to communicate with me via email from now on.

Your thoughts on this development would be much appreciated.
I cannot wait until Friday to see my son.

Thank you in advance.

Family lawyer. Get proper advice. What a nightmare for him.

It most certain is. I'm still waiting to hear from my solicitor who's going to ask the barrister. It shouldn't be this hard to get a just result for my son.

What a dreadful situation. My heart goes out to you.

Is there no formal appeals procedure for this kind of case?

All I can suggest is:
a) record everything. Incidents, dates, times. Any untruths, obstructions, incidents which upset your son. Keep it short, clear and factual.

b) I agree; family lawyer now. You can bring the judges comment up with them. But you need proper advice.

c) if you can remember specific untruths brought up in the hearing, it would be worth taking a list of those to your appointment too.

Good luck.

As others have said, get a goof family lawyer.

We're you represented at the last hearing which went against you?

It sound like you are managing to stay strong and keeping your head despite the nightmare scenario, and your son sounds like he's very sharp too (to have kept quiet and pretended to be asleep as he did!)

Much as you want to discuss the happenings with your son (thats understandable) do try to make sure that most of his time with you is spent just enjoying himself doing things eight year old boys like to do. He shouldnt be having to devote too much of his young life to thinking about the goings on of his self centred dad and distressed mum.

Just a couple of things, you dont say how much contact you have with his new school and teacher. Might be worth putting her in the picture about the challenging situation he's caught up in and even asking her to be alert to any occasion where he might want to confide in her. If you find her to be sympathetic, you could then tell your son that he can speak to her if anything is worrying him and you are not contactable (as when dad steals his mobile).
It also might be worth telling him to delete his sent messages to you if there is anything he might not want dad to read, although it's awful that he should have to think of such subterfuge at just eight years old.

This might be helpful
www.lawandparents.co.uk/residence-orders.html

Good wishes.

Another thought is if his parents are on the scene and are they sympathetic to you? They could be very good allies, as they will not want their grandson to be unhappy, even though they naturally favour their son.

Hello, thank you for your replies. Please accept my apologies as there's been lots happening.

I have been documenting everything in a diary and so has my son. School have witnessed certain behaviours and my son has visited the Head on more than one occasion to state how he feels.

My ex recorded some phone calls between myself and our son (supposedly because he is concerned I'm manipulating him) so his girlfriend reported me to Social Services. As a result a CAF report was completed at my son's school and submitted in the new year. I'm still waiting to hear what will happen next.

This situation is so very hard for my son which in turn makes it so hard for me to see him so upset. I am hoping that the involvement of social services will turn out to be a positive thing as hopefully his voice will finally be heard.

I'm currently trying to arrange a private mediation session (which my son's father is resisting -says he has no annual leave left) to agree on arrangements for the half term holiday. communication (by email) has become almost impossible and he is quite aggressive now in his tone towards me.

As a result I'm due to start on the Freedom Program as his behaviour has reawakened how I felt when I was in the abusive relationship with him. I'm hoping their support will give me some addition strength for my son.

I've also found out that he has been untruthful about medical matters involving my son. He lied about a doctors appointment which didn't take place and also about the date he said he registered him there (he said when they moved house in Feb 14 but it was July). He's also been untruthful about a Dentist he said my son was registered at (he isnt) and he quoted the dentist as saying 2 teeth which needed extracting could be saved when she had said nothing of the sort. Both the details from the doctors surgery and dentist have been confirmed in emails from the DEntist and DRs receptionist. As a result I have serious welfare concerns for my son as I cannot trust anything he tells me. He hasn't even told me the name of the dentist... I basically Googled and rang around until I got the right one and the dentist was speechless when I explained the situation.

He also obstructed a pre-operative assessment at hospital relating to the teeth based on what the dentist had supposedly said and I found out it was a lie after one of my sons teeth broke off partly due to the pre assessment not being attended. I received a text to tell me my son had severe toothache and he blamed it on me giving my son a sweet. I asked which dentist he was taking him to and he didn't reply. I then took it upon myself to conduct my own investigative work and found the dentist by chance as above.

It is very difficult to come to terms with the fact that my sons father was untruthful in Court and to the Judge about me yet he has behaved this way in matters concerning our sons health and wellbeing.

Any thoughts on my latest posting would be greatly appreciated. It's so very reassuring to know you're not alone.

Thank you xxx

Dear Aerfen. Thank you for your messages. Sadly my exs Mother intensely dislikes me as he is the son who can do no wrong. His father is a nice man but we are not in touch because of the distance. I am sure his father will be pretty disgusted by the situation but as I'm not in touch I have no idea what he will have been told by his son.

Thank you AnotherMonkey. I have been documenting things as you have advised. I am just waiting on another couple of pieces of information and then I'll be going back for more legal advice. The Barrister who represented me advised I have had to give a 'settling in period' of at least six months which it soon will be.

I wonder if the national youth advocacy service may be able to help? [https://www.nyas.net/legal-services]

Interesting to hear update and sounds like you're doing a wonderful job, staying in control and recording everything, while your ex appears to be making a pigs ear of his case, being obstructive and neglecting medical matters. Really hope some good things come out of the Caf.

You might like to read these cases:
www.familylawweek.co.uk/site.aspx?i=ed57393
It must be a horribly difficult job being a judge in these situations, but one cannot help but feel you got an old school male, in that he didn't want to listen to your lads wishes. Looking online there seem to be so many bad decisions, and kids who are unhappy with the results, but things are changing and children's voices being listened to.

Are you familiar with this place? A second opinion perhaps?
www.childrenslegalcentre.com/

Look after yourself too and try to make some 'me' time. You deserve it.

www.separatedfamiliesmatter.org.uk/client-needs/non-resident-parents/emotional-support-ideas

Might also be helpful.

Thank you Aerfen

Both links you have added are both helpful and the separated parents links hits the nail on the head... That's exactly how it feels and that is typical behaviour I've experienced from my DS's father.

I did find the other link you sent me 'Judgement of Solomon' not long after the hearing. Although the circumstances are different it did give me a feeling of hope. A terrible case for that poor child and mother and one can only hope they are living happy lives now.

I'm just hoping that what I have discovered with regards to the untruths about my sons Doctor and Dentist that this will be seen as shocking and worrying by experts or social services. I have never, and would never behave in such a way.

When my son recently had the operation to have his teeth removed (because of Molar Incisor Hyperplasia) his father initially opposed it. When he finally realised (after half of one of his teeth broke off whilst in his care after obstructing the initial pre-operative assessment) that he would have to let the operation go ahead, he did not even let the school know I could collect my son until the day before the operation. The day I travelled over to collect him, the Head teacher was still waiting for confirmation from him.
I of course had said he was welcome to attend the operation but again no response. After the operation (the evening of the operation) I sent him a full email detailing everything which had happened whilst we were at hospital and ensured my son telephoned him that evening to let him know he was okay.

My DS was collected by his father 2 days later and I told my DS I'd telephone him the next day. I emailed his father to tell him about the medication given by the hospital and I asked him to acknowledge it as it would have to go into school the next day too. I also text him to alert him to the email a few minutes after sending him the email.
He did not acknowledge my email. I also emailed school (as obviously didn't want the medication sat in my DS's bag for health and safety reasons) and the school did not respond either. In my view I had done all I could.

I then rang my DS on the Monday evening and there was no answer. I tried 3 times. I just wanted to know my son was okay and hear his voice. I felt so sad and worried I politely emailed his father to say I'd tried to call.
He replied 15 mins later saying our DS was fine, (all I could think was why could he have just not phoned me back.) I replied saying I was disappointed not to be able to speak to him because I'd said I would and he was expecting me to call. When I called my son the next day, he said he was not fine, his lip was sore (a side effect from the operation) and he didn't know I'd tried to call.

What I'm trying to say here is that I always keep his father fully informed whereas he leaves me to worry which in my view is unfair. I see it as a form of abuse because he's controlling things.

I sincerely hope that someone sees what is going on here as I am genuinely worried for my sons welfare with his father.

How can I trust him with our sons care when he has lied about such things?