My 8 Year Old Son traumatised by custody decision please help.

[mummytippy]

My DS's father was surprisingly awarded custody of our DS three weeks ago.
My DS did not have the opportunity to be heard during the court process and is absolutely traumatised by the decision.
I had always been the primary carer after I split from his father when my DS was 18 months but in Nov last year I had to take a job back where I'm from. I asked his father if he could help by having our DS 4 nights during the week temporarily so my DS could finish at his prep school. His father agreed but then out of the blue he applied to the Court in May this year for a residency order. Like something out of Jeremy Kyle he concocted a web of untruths and stories which the Judge believed as so here I am.
My son now only sees me on alternate weekends... Whereas before he was with me all of the time (from 18 months - Nov last year) and then whilst he was finishing school (Nov - July) he saw me each week Fri from school pick up to Mon eve where I would then return him to stay at his father's house.
I undertook all of the transportation which was approx 400 miles per week.
My son was fully expecting to be with me as agreed from July this year and starting the school across the road where he already has friends but non of that has happened.
My DS has now had to start a school he knew nothing of with only a couple of children he knew previously from where his father lives and desperately wants to be with me.
My question relates to his emotional well being as he is suffering from anxiety and does not ever want to return to his father after his weekends with me (of which there have only been 2 so far). My DS has told his father's partner ( girlfriend) that he upset as he wants to live with me and has become very resentful as his voice was not heard.

Who can he speak to now so that he may be heard and what is the best way to go about it as the first thing his father will do will be point the finger at me accusing me of influencing him when I am not.

His father has refused tea-time contact too so my son was also hopeful of that. I'm seriously concerned at how hurt he is and what can be done as this situation has certainly scared him.

Thanking anyone who can help in advance. Thank you.

www.matchmothers.org/

Are you aware of this support group? Talking to others in the same position will surely help you.
Another thought is that maybe if you can increase the contact at least so that you get to spend most of the weekends and holidays with him, then you can begin to see the arrangement as less awful than at present, given that even if you were the resident parent you would still have to face seeing him spend considerable time with his father? You are going to have to share him whoever has main residency, and a great deal of the time he is at his fathers he is in school.

Tragically we are going to see far more cases of fathers getting custody in the future which I believe too few women are considering when they demand 'gender equality'. It's very much a case of be careful what you wish for, and NEVER allow a situation to arise where the father is the principle carer even if you earn more than he does. It may seem a good arrangement while the marriage is going well, but if it goes bad you can end up seeing your child raised not even by him, but by a step mother who, unlike yourself, is willing to adopt the traditional role! And on top of this salt can be rubbed in the wound by the demand for maintenance.

I'm not directing this to you Mummy Tippy as your loss of custody was for different reasons, but I think so many young mothers are keen on 'equal' child care and do not even consider that the price they may pay is losing custody. Its something everyone needs to be aware of, and while I feel very sorry for good fathers in the same position, I do not believe a fathers link with a child is quite what a mother's is, its down to biology, and a father can thus survive the break somewhat more easily, especially if he goes on to have a new family. Well that's my two penn'orth!

Can I ask why you took a job where you are originally from? Why did you put your job first?

Hi VLou77

In answer to your question, I'm not sure whether you've read my original post but work dried up where I lived. I was working on a self employed basis and through the companies I was doing work for they had to make cuts.
In addition to this the owner of the property I was renting had put it up for sale. I tried without success to obtain work in the area where I lived but a combination of my parents getting older too swayed me to move back where I'm from with my son. It wasn't that I'm career crazed or anything like that.

Thanks Aerfen I will probably join that site. I've taken a look and it looks like it will be a helpful source of support.

I know now that I should never have trusted my ex with the arrangement. That was clearly a mistake.

I have been paying maintenance to my ex for the last three months and believe it or not this restricts me from having extra contact (tea time visits) as I simply can't afford it. It is £50 round trip.

As well as maintenance through the CMS I pay for a private tutor, swimming, tennis and piano lessons each month, trying to maintain the activities my son is used to doing and enjoys. I'm now even faced with possibly having to terminate those. I've explained this to the CMS but they don't seem to appreciate the status quo for children, it's all about being tarred with the same brush as other non-resident parents. They are still calculating the variance (travel exp allowance on my payments). It's only been 2 months. I can see why people detest them intensely.

As you rightly say my son is at school each day for the most part but I'm not entirely happy with the school. My son has is on the SEN register and the Senco left at Christmas with the replacement still familiarising herself with my son's file since Jan 7th.

I wouldn't mind if I was one of those mothers who was praying for the time her child is with its father so I could live it up. I was the mother who felt I had an arm missing whilst he was with him and it's obviously worse that that now.

Still no further on with mediation. They rang me this morning. They called him again and have left a voice message.

I contacted the solicitor who I used last year by email to update her on this explaining that my son doesn't currently know when he's going to see me and half term contact now not arranged as I agreed to be flexible and it wasn't acceptable to my ex but I've heard nothing.

I don't know whether to inform the local authority tom or what to do... Just feel like the only person who cares or is concerned is me.

Two penn'orth more than okay!

I have no advice to give you op other than to hang on in there. I cannot imagine how terrible this must be for you and your ds. It sounds like you are doing all that you can do.

Thank you Idefix

I do not sleep well and then every waking moment is spent documenting everything. The sad thing is that because I'm the mother, I think a lot of people think there's something I've kept hidden as mothers didn't usually lose custody. As Aerfen has pointed out, times are changing and I was very naive in trusting my ex. My son was registered here with the doctor, a dentist and had a place at the primary school. Sheer madness that this could happen. Could understand it if safeguarding concerns but nothing. I'm even a qualified teaching assistant. I find it torturous that I can't help him daily anymore with his learning. Especially given he suffers with a learning disability.

Spoke to my solicitor and social services today and the feeling is I'll have to go back to Court to sort things out as ex is not willing to attend mediation.

Social services were helpful and understanding and basically feel my ex has had his fair share of chances and I've been more than patient in having to try to support my son through such an ordeal. This said, my solicitor is going to speak to my Barrister and have her advise the best way forward.

As far as my son being heard goes, SS advised that the Court can obtain a section 7 or section 37 report. Does anyone have experience of this or the best way forward in ensuring that that happens.

www.netmums.com/coffeehouse/advice-support-40/serious-stuff-43/1242534-advice-appealing-child-arrangements-order-all.html

There is some interesting stuff here, not about the section 7 report, but clarifying the difference between appealing the court order and applying to amend the court order.
You need a much stronger case for the first it would seem.

Thanks again Arfen. I followed your link and it is clear.

I know I can't appeal as firstly there's a deadline which is long gone and no point of the law was wrong. Apparently as first thing I wanted to do was look at this avenue.

As far as the Judge goes who handled my case, I am not satisfied that the welfare checklist took into account any emotional attachment my son has with me considering I was his primary carer prior. It was too black and white.

Firstly he discounted my DS's understanding of the temporary arrangement coming to an end where my DS was in effect 'counting down' to joining me full time and he was reassured by me and school of this regularly.
His wishes were the basis of it being arranged! (My DS's old school has a letter I sent them outlining the temp arrangement with dates etc).
In addition to this I have a letter from my exs solicitor saying he was happy for DS to join me full time and reside with me at the end of term as agreed as long as I could confirm certain points - which I did via a letter from my solicitor. I agreed to everything he wanted. After confirmation of this my ex went quiet, obstructed contact, lied that my son was ill (kept him off school) when I was due to collect him from school (2 incidents logged with the police) and the next thing I knew was I had a Court summons. Not all of the above evidence was submitted last time. I blame my solicitor. She seemed to have too many cases on and not enough time.
I can't understand how the judge could believe that he had apparently said he'd put the idea to me about the arrangement and his tale of abandonment. I was collecting my son every weekend and my ex was still paying me maintenance into my bank account for our DS well into the temp arrangement. (Evidence of the maintenance payments weren't submitted) and for me you have to ask the question why would he be paying me maintenance if I'd apparently abandoned my DS?
The main failing to me was the fact my DS's voice wasn't heard so wasn't taken into account AT ALL. The problem I have with this is the Judge even said 'if the child's wishes and feelings had been heard he would more than likely have come to the same decision'.
I found that very difficult to accept and a very cold comment. I mean how can you discount what a child wants! Now I am witnessing the consequences and my son has been emotionally harmed through this bad judgement.

I apparently have 2 routes...

1, Vary the order and have actual dates and times applied as ex being obstructive and wields the court order like some invisible weapon which is impacting now on pre-set arrangements / routine not being present for my son which in turn is causing more turmoil for him as he doesn't know when he is next going to see me. It's disruptive and unhealthy for my DS.
In addition to this he is causing me stress and worry and as I've stated already that this is personal and unfair. He has refused mediation continually for the last 2 weeks to resolve things including the half term we're currently on. In his last email he simply said my DS will be available from midday on Weds but did not say where I'm to collect him from and nothing was said about how long or when my ex will collect him.

Or 2,

Look to have the order reversed in its entirety based on the serious welfare concerns I have based on the above and being untruthful about medical matters and obstructing a hospital appointment (which caused my son pain and suffering) and obstructing additional (outside school) educational support plus have a section 7 report or section 37 report based on how my son feels. The social worker felt the obstruction and lack of support was disgraceful and no parent in their right mind would behave like this. This said my solicitor said this would have to be detailed and documented in a report to have any weight.

I feel like I have a strong case, but I get the impression my solicitor doesn't (as she's obviously seen more cases etc go back to court) or maybe I'm just so unjustly dissatisfied that my child and I have been failed. The Mediation service have already said they are happy to sign a new court application in my favour so I want to strike whilst the iron is hot and show how unreasonable my ex is.

Social services said there has to be a clear distinction on a new application not being seen as being disappointed with the last outcome or myself and my ex looking like bickering parents.

I can also prove he was untruthful in Court last year (and was untruthful about me (and have evidence)) and so can discredit him. Surely (my mind keeps telling me) that this should justifiably be enough!? If he can be untruthful about medical matters etc... and I have evidence...

The picture he painted through untruths last year would be reviewed... Plus as mentioned in your link I think a different Judge would have come to a different decision. I know the Judge at the first hearing was completely outraged that he'd prevented contact with my DS for a month whilst holding a temporary order.

Until I hear from my Barrister I just don't what my options are if any.
All I do know is that I have told the truth throughout and I am really angry that unsubstantiated mud slinging in his statement was considered more serious and taken as fact than my truthful child focused supportive one.

Social services said that I have to have a 'bottom line' of what is acceptable to me for my child. To outline key points and failings of the last six months (since the final hearing) and how this falls short from how things were for my son.

Since the Court ruling I have also collected my ds from his new school and he's been wearing dirty clothes (in one case all week) and has had dirty long finger and toe nails on more than one occasion. His toenails were actually growing over the end of his toes and were all curved. Shocking and disgraceful. Everything is well below my standards of care and appearance for my child. Not convinced
my exs girlfriend is supporting him emotionally either as she is busy with her own child plus there's their turbulent relationship.

I'm favouring option 2 as I am worried all the time about my sons level of care and cannot trust anything my ex tells me now. I want to also go armed with a more about able level of contact to my ex (unrestricted phone calls, tea times, extra days when he likes). I AM A FAIR PERSON... This is about our child's best interests.

I just feel caught in the system now and it's still all in the hands of the Gods. It shouldn't be this hard.

I feel the section 7 or section 37 - Is an essential accompaniment to my case especially as it may be 'reserved' for the original Judge to return. I would quiver in my shoes just to see him again.

So the moral to the tale is... When you are unemployed, stuff your child's education and move them. Don't ask their father to step up (where he never had) so they can finish their school year or he'll betray you in the worse way you can imagine.

Hindsight.

"I'm favouring option 2 as I am worried all the time about my sons level of care and cannot trust anything my ex tells me now."

Obviously you must get advice from a good family lawyer, but just speaking as a layperson I would imagine a reversal of the order is likely to be more difficult that modification, although of course that would be the ideal outcome.

I know its really awful for you when you aren't allowed to be the primary carer, but try to remind yourself that although his dad doesnt care for him in exactly the same way you do, he does love his son, and although he may not be as fussy about small things as you are (like most men), these things probably worry you far more than your son and his dad does want to do his best for him even if his way is a bit different. Most mums even with a good relationship with their ex, do have to tolerate a certain amount of lowering of hygiene/ diet/ clothing/ bedtime routine standards from the dad's care, and the kids are none the worse for it. Just try not to distress yourself about such matters as far as possible.

Hope you do get some positive hope from a lawyer anyway. Have you seen this? At least it came good in the end! Does rather underline your own warning though.
www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1209243/The-courts-took-children-away-Im-working-mother.html

Thank you Aerfen

I've followed your link and read the article - it's quite shocking. Especially in view this lady was a divorce lawyer! I agree that the parental responsibility term seems to be used more than mother and father and in a lot of ways I think that as the mother, you naturally believe a judge has a kind of crystal ball looking backwards seeing that you are a fabulous mother and that the father wasn't interested. That's my case. It would seem there is this 'perception' that women choose their careers over their children.
My DS has, and always will come first. The job I took (3 full days part time) was actually the first permanent job since having him some 7 years previously and was perfect as it fitted around my son, not the other way around. I would not have made the short term sacrifice I did otherwise.

I understand what you are saying about there being differences. I can cope with his hair being a little overgrown, but not being open and honest with me and obstructing hospital appointments which lead to emergency treatment being necessary is unacceptable to me. Obstructing contact and not promoting me as a parent is not something I would ever do to him so this is also unacceptable. A child gets one childhood and I'm fighting to regain my child's.

Since my last post, things took a further turn this week with my DS's father denying telephone contact with my DS unless I answered his questions. Questions I would have answered at the mediation session as well as further negotiations. His answer to my question which was to attend mediation was to refused to attend. I recorded the phone call. He was aggressive, intimidating and threatening. My concern was my son may have been in the room and over hear him speaking to me this way. I asked him this and he did not confirm.

In addition to this, he did not take my DS to a further medical appointment he told me he had booked to be attended before the holidays, and worked on the days he told me he had booked off for half term. On one of these days he worked, my DS visited his paternal GM with his fathers GF. Whilst there the GF sent an email to me (signed off as his father) composed with the assistance of the GM. How do I know this? Because my DS told me he entered the room where they were (as 'he'd been plugged into a tablet in another room) to ask something and the GF told him to 'go away'. Before doing so he saw the open email being composed to me. He told me openly when I asked what he'd been doing for the first half of half term. I had my suspicions as there are differences in styles of emails I've received but to hear my child was told to go away and that he witnessed her signing off as his father.

I reported this to my sol and I have been advised to go back to Court to vary the order but told a section 7 report will be requested so that my DS's wishes and feelings are heard. She hopes this may reverse matters but obviously there are no guarantees. A letter advising him of this and the Court proceedings to follow based on welfare concerns has now been sent.

My son was also infested with head lice (I know all children get them) but he was severely infested. There were approximately 2-3 nits/lice inbetween each tooth of the investigatory nit comb. I sent an email to inform his father (non accusatory) of my discovery and to tell him I'd treated them and a repeat treatment would be required as well as an update on a dental appointment I took my DS too this week. He replied, (or was it is GF!?!) informing me they knew he had the lice and that they had treated them a few days prior but not told me because I hadn't replied to emails (questions, because I needed legal advice). I see that as a very poor excuse as ultimately I still read my emails and I assume so does he so he could have informed me as I did him.

Also today the GM and GF collected my DS from me and not his father. I don't know where he was... and the half term holiday has not been an equal spilt as far as I'm concerned so in my eyes he has actually breached the court order as the days dates of the holidays were not agreed with me. My solicitor said this is another matter to be raised at Court.

One consolation to you might be in all this that your Exs unreasonable behaviour will hopefully be his undoing. If he was behaving like a 'model' divorced dad you probably wouldn't stand a cat in hells chance of getting residency returned to you, but with him being a dickhead there is a reasonable hope. So, painful as it is short term, every time he blots his copybook he contributes to his own downfall.

I sincerely hope so because as a loving mum you simply need to be doing the job yourself to know it's being done right don't you.
He's retracted a teatime date too for this Fri without notice saying that I didn't let him know in time so he's now made plans. It would have been helpful if he had advised me there was a 'let me know before date or else' as I told my ds on Sunday as he left... 5 sleeps until I see you on Friday for tea. I'm just at a total loss on how much emotional trauma he thinks our ds can take. Am I meant to be the one to give my son the bad news? If I don't tell him, what might he tell him... that I don't care? The stress and worry for my son is so emotionally draining. Thank you Aerfen.