Mixed behaviour problems from 3yr old dd. Who has been there?

[YellowFeathers]

We've been battling this since June time now and although we've had some really good times since, the low points have been more frequent.

Just to give you a bit of background;
We moved house in June to a new area. Obviously everything was new to her. The house is quite big and a bit of a trek to the bathroom. It was obvious it caused her some anxiety going up there on her own but eventually we cracked it and she was ok.

I was also pg and having a bit of a time with it and I think she picked up on this too. Had the baby 4 weeks ago.
She has also started pre-school 2 weeks ago and goes 2 mornings a week. She loves it there, theres been no issues with leaving her or anything like that.

For just over a week now her beahviour has become worse and worse. One day she wet herself everytime she needed to go, we have more than one wetting incident everyday, she sometimes refuses to eat or if she does eat she can be sat at the table for an hour.
Yesterday was a refusal day so I explained to her that she would go to bed if she didn't eat some of her dinner. To that she told me thats what she wanted. When I did take her to her room she screamed no and ran off so I tried her with her dinner again and it was a real battle, lots of tears and screaming.
She also wet herself twice yesterday and when dh was getting her in the bath and found her wet pants, he stayed quite calm and aid that if she did it anymore she would get a smacked bum. Her response was to say that she wanted a smacked bum and turned around

We've have tried allsorts of remedies. Charts, stickers, sweets (which are now banned as that went horribly wrong), lots of praise cheering etc, timing meals, naughty step/chair/sofa.
The charts work for a couple of days and then we're back to square one and apart from that nothing works.

Dh and I are at our wits end. Its upsetting us both and I hate to see her like this as shes obviously doing it for a reason.
We don't really know where to go from here but I'm quite sure we're not the only ones who have been here so I'm asking for some advice. Has anyone come out the other end ok?

Any little bits of advice or experience will be most appreciated because at the moment it feels like this will go on forever.

Previously, we've tried other remedies to help. Its only been these last few days where its become worse again.
Its very hard to just let it pass without doing something about it. Shes been toilet trained since April and will happily (at times) go to the toilet, wipe herself, flush the chain and wash her hands. Fair enough if shes playing or busy and she forgets, these things happen but there are times where we prompt her to go, she says she doesn't need it and then wet herself anyway or like last week just blattently wetting herself without even trying to go to the toilet.

As for the smacking, I dont think it makes a blind bit of difference not that we have actually done it yet.

What I would do is back off. A lot!

She's in a new environment and you ahve a new baby that is getting much more of your attention- the attention that she used to have all to herself.

Of course she's "regressing" she wants to be your only baby again.

I would not make a fuss of anything- she doesn't want to eat her dinner, you offer her bread and butter, an apple, whatever, and she still refuses, take it away. No fuss, no pleading.

She wets her pants, say something like "oh dear, never mind" and give her a clean pair. Again no fuss, no threats of smacks .

Lots of praise when she does something good.

Give her some responsibility- helping to do something for the baby that will make her feel important (" he/ she needs his/ her big sister to do X/Y/Z, because he/ she is only a baby and doesn't know how").

Organise some one-one time with you or daddy that is not interrupted by the baby, and which is absolutely non-negociable (that is, is not removed if she behaves badly at other times).

For bad behaviour choose one sanction, and stick to it- naughty step, removal of a favourite toy for a set time, whatever. Don't include failure to eat, or wetting pants as bad behaviour, though. I would include rudeness, tantrums, defiance...

1. it's the age - dd is like this some of the time and occasionally wets herself in anger despite being dry for a long time now
2. what about the new baby? Surely this is a major upheaval for you all, but especially her, and she is bound to be feeling upset that she has to share your attention and, as she sees it, love, now
3. Charts won't work on a child this young IMO. Time out does, but you have to be very patient and calm about taking them back to their room/naughty step time and again. Any anger or shouting is seen by a preschooler as attention, not good attention, but attention.
4. Are you managing to find time for hugs and kisses for her when the going is good?
5. When dd refuses to eat we just make it clear that if she gets down that is it until breakfast. Her dinner goes in the bin (yes, I know, I HATE it) and off she goes to bed.

ok- she's 3. new house, new baby, started pre-school, and is being threatened with a smacked bottom for wet pants?
give her a break!!!!!! she 's still a baby!!! what a lot of new stuff for her to be taking on board at once!!! she might seem like she's coping but she's obviously not!
i would be giving her lots of attention, as much one on one as poss( i know difficult is is with a new baby)as much praise a s possible-find things to praise her for.
if she wets, thne just change her without making any comment at all.don't make a n issue out of it.
if she's doing it for attention , this will remove the attention. if she's doing it because she's stressed then she shouldn't be being told off anyway.

Ds is 3.1, I'm pg with baby #2 and we are remodeling the house. Lots of the same behavior going on here as well. I think you just have to roll with it as best you can.

I'm going to be doing more washing aren't I?

She gets one to one time. Probably more from dh than me. If hes not at work late, she will have a bath with dh, we take the dog for 2 walks a day and she normally goes on at least one of them, if I'm on the computer she will be next to me drawing or doing some crafty things.
She does get lots of kisses and hugs too and we tell her we love her etc.

I'll try backing off. I think or I know that the meal time will be the hardest as when the food is taken away she creates and if she hasn't eaten anything and is hungry she asks for sweets which when shes told no makes her quite cross and then we get tantrums.

Quiet, calm, firm and consistent YF
I'd go as far as offering ehr nappies or pull ups until she feels confident with the toilet again. TONS of loo trained kids regress when a new baby is born, the less attention you pay it, the more successful her trip back will be IMHO.
Can you get her to help prepare dinner, or choose something that you know she will eat?
Unlikely she will starve herself truly simply offer her dinner, with minimum of fuss, if she doesn't eat take it away with a minimum of fuss.
Maybe feed a larger meal at lunch and have cereal for dinner to just change the routine she will be anticipating from you?
Threatening to smack can often backfire worse than sweeties...

We're pretty lax about the dinner thing. I'm ok with making ds something else - as long as it's quick and easy - if he really hates what we're having. When their little tummies aren't full and that blood sugar drops everyone's life gets harder. Much easier to make an extra plate imo.

my dd(4) does the asking for sweets " because I'm hungry" when she hasn't eaten all her dinner. It's infuriating. I have a little basket, high up in the cupboard which stores all the sweets/ chocs we are given (practically never buy any). When dd has eaten all her dinner (and it's dinner only, as she's about to clean her teeth) she gets to choose one sweet from the basket.

How about giving her a VERY small portion of food for her meal that you know she can/ will eat and rewarding with a small sweet if she manges it? If that works, very gradually increase the portion size, so that she doesn't struggle too much to achieve the reward.

In between meals if hungry, I offer apple/ cheese/ carrot sticks, so if the next meal is not eaten, at least the gap has been filled with something healthy.

I believe my dd is a bit of a grazer- she never eats much at mealtimes (even if I haven't given her food in between), but can nibble on and off all day. The total amount of food consumed, is adequate! This morning I was amazed that she finished her cereal, and stole some of my toast and jam as well...a true first!

Where do I draw the line though at snacks?
DD sounds very much like yours with eating Tissy. She would snack all day if I gave her the chance.
She'll eat whatever dh and I are having and its always at the table together.

What would you say is an acceptable time for her to have eaten her meal? Should we give he the same amount of time as me and dh or a bit longer?

longer

I don't give snacks if meal is less than half an hour away. I do give her more time than dh and I to eat, not sure how long that is though. Oh and sometimes I have to shovel it into her as well! She's easily distracted (always has been) and would far rather be doing something else than sitting down and eating.

Yes, it generally takes ds longer. However, if he's not eating I do not make him sit there with us as it only makes the situation worse.

Well all I can do is start today.
We'll try with lunch and see what happens.

If she doesn't eat her meal whilst dh and I are, she just sits and gabbles on lol.
Maybe I'll try her with an extra 10/15 mins and see.

Longer to eat, and we aim to offer only fruit or cheese as a snack (they do get sweets bought though and we have had massive tantrums to live through as we have scaled this right down, you have to be tough YellowFeathers ).
Bananas, which is not a fruit of choice for either, are all that get offered at bedtime if people are mysteriously hungry after not eating all their dinner. That sorts the sheep from the goats.
Ahhh, threenagers.

You had a baby four weeks ago! This is totally normal and not even unreasonable behaviour really, given that she's a baby of three who until four weeks ago was your one and only baby. It's a HUGE adjustment to make. She wants to be your one and only baby again, hence the wetting, the attention-seeking etc. She didn't choose to have a sibling (though she will no doubt come to love them) so you can't really blame her. There is IME a period from when your baby is about three weeks old to when your baby is about 11 weeks old when your first child when the novelty of a sibling wears off and they realise a/the situation is permanent, and b/they don't like it when they will do anything to get your attention. And any attention is better than none, even being hit. But by about 11 weeks, if you can be really, really patient and ladle on teh love, they tend to have come much more to terms with their new family set up and almost forget it was any other way, and things calm down a lot.

And really, it is absolutly horrible to threaten a three year old with a smack just for wetting themselves. Your dh needs to sort himself out IMO

And just back off. She's not doing anything terrible. Wetting is really normal in teh circs and she is realising one sure fire way to get your attention is the eating thing. I'd just give her food when she's hungry and not make a big issue out of it at all.

Threenagers
I'll give it a go then. I feel a bit more positive now anyway.

Interesting what you have said Sorrell.

Re: the wetting, I am bracing myself for a backslide on potty training when the new baby comes. Ds will be 3.4 and I think it will be more unusual if it doesn't happen. In fact, we are going through a bit of it now, I think just because mommy is getting more heavily pg and slower IYKWIM.

Sorry if I sound cross, but really, have been there and come out the other side. My child used to run away from me in the street to get my attention which was v scary. Not eating much dinner is easy in comparison! Keep praising her loads and loads and let her be a baby if she wants. She might even want you to feed her. She sees the baby getting lots of your love and time and may even think in her three year old way that doing baby things is the way to get you 'back'.

Are you also posting that you are completely knackered with the baby?

No you don't sound angry. I've had to buy a seat to go thing for the pushchair as she started to run off and was nagging to be carried when we went out.
Also everything is special now. Your special pushchair seat, special dinner etc .

At least your prepared Jabber! This has come and whacked me in the face lol!