Mixed behaviour problems from 3yr old dd. Who has been there?

[YellowFeathers]

We've been battling this since June time now and although we've had some really good times since, the low points have been more frequent.

Just to give you a bit of background;
We moved house in June to a new area. Obviously everything was new to her. The house is quite big and a bit of a trek to the bathroom. It was obvious it caused her some anxiety going up there on her own but eventually we cracked it and she was ok.

I was also pg and having a bit of a time with it and I think she picked up on this too. Had the baby 4 weeks ago.
She has also started pre-school 2 weeks ago and goes 2 mornings a week. She loves it there, theres been no issues with leaving her or anything like that.

For just over a week now her beahviour has become worse and worse. One day she wet herself everytime she needed to go, we have more than one wetting incident everyday, she sometimes refuses to eat or if she does eat she can be sat at the table for an hour.
Yesterday was a refusal day so I explained to her that she would go to bed if she didn't eat some of her dinner. To that she told me thats what she wanted. When I did take her to her room she screamed no and ran off so I tried her with her dinner again and it was a real battle, lots of tears and screaming.
She also wet herself twice yesterday and when dh was getting her in the bath and found her wet pants, he stayed quite calm and aid that if she did it anymore she would get a smacked bum. Her response was to say that she wanted a smacked bum and turned around

We've have tried allsorts of remedies. Charts, stickers, sweets (which are now banned as that went horribly wrong), lots of praise cheering etc, timing meals, naughty step/chair/sofa.
The charts work for a couple of days and then we're back to square one and apart from that nothing works.

Dh and I are at our wits end. Its upsetting us both and I hate to see her like this as shes obviously doing it for a reason.
We don't really know where to go from here but I'm quite sure we're not the only ones who have been here so I'm asking for some advice. Has anyone come out the other end ok?

Any little bits of advice or experience will be most appreciated because at the moment it feels like this will go on forever.

No , I saw that though.
Thats a poster called yellowfish

Well, you know how it goes with kids. He'll probably be fine with the potty and do something else entirely to put me off kilter

It will get better, it really will. Wait for the magic 11 week mark (and it starts to improve before then). I found it helped not to go on about the older sibling being 'big', but to point out constantly that the little one adored her sib.

I'd also recommend tiny portions of food as a full plate can be overwhelming to a small child and she can always have more if she eats the first lot!

Just give her lots of love and patience, it doesn't sound as though she's being naughty, just being a normal child who's had lots of changes to deal with. I also think it can help to say 'yes' to things as much as possible rather than laying down really firm boundaries (obviously some things are non-negotiable, but lots aren't.)

One other thing, I've no idea how much time you spend on the computer, but her sitting next to you with crayons isn't really the same as one to one attention imho. I'm as guilty as anyone of spending too much time on the internet and not enough time with the children and when I make myself leave the pc off all day and just use it in the evening, the children are all happier,

Oh God, nightmare.
Why dont you just go back to pull ups for a while, retrain so to speak. Explain at pre school for them to do the same, regular tiolet training.
Tackle that first though....leave the eating thing well alone till this is cracked.
Put food out if she doesnt eat it then take it away.
If she asks for something later give her the choice of fruits that she likes...NOTHING ELSE dont bend on this.
Remain calm and dont threaten at all with any thing.
Just do the same thing over and over and over.
Try to relax about it, she is 3, she doing it well.....because she can really, not to bug you, wind you up or piss you off, she is just doing it.
You sound like a fab mum and your dh sounds good too, it cant be easy for you with a new baby as well.
Keep your chin up hun, it will be ok in the end

Thanks Donbean

Daisymoo, laptop isn't on all the time but behaviour does get worse when its on.

Ah well if its the magic 11 weeks, only 6 and a bit to go!

Message withdrawn

Very useful thread for me, am expecting dd2 in a few weeks and dd1 will be nearly 3. I was anticipating backslides in all directions, but its helpful to read about what its really like in detail!
I think its all very very normal too; dd has taken steps backwards every time she's had to take a big step forwards - eg starting pre-school. I try to just go backwards with her, ie look after her the way I did at whatever age behaviour she is presenting. And it passes faster that way. So eg putting small objects in her mouth to get my attention, I ignore - or calmly ask for object then give her attention for something else. Wetting, stay calm and reassure and say 'next time try and use the potty' as I did whilst training. And for about ten days after starting pre-school, dd was 'too tired to eat' so I fed her - let her be my baby at home, as she was being such a big girl at school.
But I can WELL imagine how much harder it is doing all that with a new baby - even wonder how on earth I'm going to do it - and Sorrel, I hadn't even thought of running away in the street: I can just picture dd doing that, will be on the look out thanks!

And agree with Pitchonette about the 'big girl' thing...dd will say 'no, me baby' when she is one of those phases and I just go with it: she works through things in her own time anyway.

Also forgot to say, I'd give dd more time than me and dh, and also not get into battles over food at all. Mine is usually a good eater, I let her have raw veggies any time, bread/butter and fruit in the evening with some milk, especially if she hasn't eaten well at supper. Won't do snacks within an hour of a meal (except raw veggies) and will only do healthy snacks, but giving her some control over when she eats and how much really does keep the tension down and she always goes back to normal in the end.
Good luck, YF, and congrats on your baby!

I wouldn't be too strict with food in this situation. After all, a hungry, insecure child is much more horrible than a full insecure child. And it won't last. I'd just do zero attention for not eating, but not say no to a banana and a bit of bread and butter if it makes for a happier life. I'd also never withhold puddings like yoghurt. I'd say no to sweets though.

You can also make homemade popsicles with yogurt and fruit nectar that can seem like a sweets treat.

thanks for all the advice.
just to update. i spoke to dh about it, well more like told him everything was to be ignored. since then we've seen a bit of improvement in the weeing and food dept although tantrums are still quite frequent and are over the smallest things.

Your message could have been written by me!
My two DDs are 16 mths apart, they are now 3 and 2. I have been through everything you describe. My eldest has always been hard work and very demanding but we are back in a difficult stage (wetting 2 to 3 times a day, tantrums at the tiniest things from 7 am to 7pm, running away from me). She also plays my husband and I off against each other - he tends to react more to her tantrums - so weekends are particulary bad.I'm convinced she gets like this when she doesn't get the attention she craves/needs. I am 8 weeks pg with number 3 and suffering from the most extreme tiredness and all day sickness I have ever had with any pregnancy so naturally my girls are experienceing their mummy at her worst!
I'd echo all the good adive you have already received form previous posters. The best solution I have found is to ignore the bad behaviour (eg with the pant wetting I just change her without saying a word and I just get on with what ever I'm doing if she flies into one of her frequent foot-stamping rages) and make every effort to reward the good and spend as much time as I can reading books and doing the kind of stuff she loves doing.
Seems to be doing the trick. The last couple of days have seen a big improvement.
Good luck with your 3 year old, you are not alone.