What is wrong with my 3 year old??

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After some help please!, my DD is 3.3 and is being really difficult to manage at the moment. She is really stubborn and will not listen and do as she's told. It's definitely worse when she's tired but she sleeps 12 hours a night solidly, she doesn't nap anymore, having dropped that around 3 months ago.
I am trying the 1,2,3 magic techniques but it doesn't seem to be having any effect. This morning she wanted to walk to the shops and got about a quarter of the way there then refused to walk. I ended her dragging/carrying her home whilst trying to push my 5months old buggy with her kicking me and screaming, people where looking out their windows at us!! If I put her down and walk off, she never follows, just sits crying. As a result of this we are not going to play with her friend this afternoon, she's upset about this, but it's not really impacted on her behaviour as now she's in her room for refusing too wash her hands after going to the loo, something she always does. I know it's all about control but I feel like she's trying to break me!!
Is this level of defiance normal, I swear she would argue day was night!! It makes me sad because I don't enjoy spending time with her at the moment. Please help me to talk to her. Thanks.

hello, your wee girl sounds like mine was a year ago.. ( and still can be in the evening!!)
I ended up doing a PPP course online... its really helped.. If you google triple p it will bring it up. You can do courses online or you can join a group. Think they are run by your county council...
I couldn't recommend it enough... it is brilliant!
When I am having tricky times I keep saying to myself... its just a Phase!! But I know only too well hoe stressful and exhausting it is!!
xxx

yes totally normal! My DD has now started with e.g.
me: wash your hands
her: YOU wash your hands
me: I have washed my hands
her: no you haven't
me:yes I have, now wash your hands
her: I have washed my hands
me: no you haven't
her: I don't want to wash my hands
...

Lol lol lol.

There's absolutely nothing wrong. She has just turned three. Welcome to the REAL parenthood.

Totally normal.

I wonder if my 3 year old is deaf sometimes!

It does get easier, honestly.
Try to laugh rather than cry, I found a little bit of gentle fun poking (in a really nice non bullying way, before the vipers get stuck in ) helped no end with the attitude.

I couldn't believe the attitude on my Dts though, they were so bossy, rude, defiant and yes they would argue about everything.

I found getting my 3 year old to walk anywhere was a nightmare, I really recommend getting a buggy board. We had a lot of pavement strikes before I gave up trying to get her to get anywhere under her own steam. Now at nearly 4 I can hardly keep up with her!

www.amazon.co.uk/Playful-Parenting-Lawrence-J-Cohen/dp/0345442865

If you like reading this book is for you, some really good tips and explanations. I came across it on a mumsnet thread.

Serious advice, though:

www.ahaparenting.com/ages-stages/preschoolers

Keep threats and punishments etc to a minimum, try other solutions first but the most important thing - never ever threaten anything you're not actually happy to follow through. And kiss them goodnight every night and tell them that you love them. And remember that this will pass and your child will come back to you.

And this book: www.amazon.co.uk/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1848123094

It will just be beginning to be useful now and a lot of the things won't work properly but read it anyway. And then read it again in 2 years' time when you hit 5 years old, which is when it really becomes invaluable.

If there's something wrong with yours there is something wrong with mine too. Exactly the same age too. I ended up attempting to carry both him and his balance bike the other day. His favourite phrase is, no, no, no. When he hits we have been saying 'we don't hit, we use words to say we are cross'. He was in trouble for talking on and on and on during circle time at preschool and he shouted, 'but I'm really cross'.

No advice but mine is the same

Me - Are you going to be a big girl and get ready for bed
Dd- No.
Me - Can you put you pjs on dd, it's bedtime isn't it?
Dd-Ignored
Me - Dd, it's time for bed, please put your pjs on?
Dd-NO no no no. I need to do jigsaws
Me - But it's bed time darling
Dd- Nooooooo

Repeat with any request which is comes under going out, dinner time, toilet/washing hands, shopping, dropping off or picking up from childminder...

This too shall pass. Repeat

Oh thank god there are others. Dd literaly screams like your torturing her and immediately gets herself worked up. It's impossible to explain to her or get her to register or understand anything. Could be over the wrong fork or seat or that her programme hasn't finished or other ridiculous things.

Fir instance she gets up, I ask her to help puck clothes and she will run screaming

Or I ask her to go to the loo befire we go and she screams cos her trousers are too big or she wants to play the I pad .

Funnily enough with other people she can follow instructions and respond to requests.

At home she hits the floor or screams or acts as if you've asked her to cut up her favourite teddy and not just asked to her put some pants on

Best tip I ever received was this:

Give paired choices for everything you already know will present a battleground. Paired choices give her back the power. She focuses on the choices rather than the resistance. So, plan your day ahead around areas which will get non-cooperation. e.g. You: OK it is time to wash our hands. Would you prefer to use this basin with the pink soap or the kitchen sink with the blue soap? Or It is time to leave the house. Would you prefer to wear your shoes or your wellies? It is time to get dressed. Would you like to choose which shirt to wear. I've put out the purple one and the horse one. You choose.

You probably won't be able to anticipate everything but if you can identify classic barrier points you can head things off before they become a battle of wills.

Good luck. And let me know how you get on. This transformed my life many years ago btw.

Great tip twee. I try to give choices but need to start doing it more

Oh it's a long road with a 3 yr old!

I made a big colourful chart with a picture for each task you needed them to do each day

eg today I clean my teeth at 8 I clock & space beside it for a STICKER woooohooo which she applies if she does it.

Then go to the next task on the chart etc etc and feign enjoyment & overload praise at how capable & independent she is etc

Worked for me

Also - eventually I closed my eyes and sat on floor and 'pretended' not to see her get ready / do the tasks and she whizzed around checked chart etc getting ready in lightening speed to SHOW me she could do it WITHOUT me

What a faff but hey it worked!

HTh

The key point with choices as well is that you have to make both choices acceptable to you! Don't give them a choice that you're not absolutely happy for them to make otherwise they choose it on purpose, I swear. Don't threaten to take them home if you still have a lot of urgent shopping to finish, for example.

Urgh, I had this today. DD is 3.7

This morning was great. I was getting showered, and when I went to get dressed, she was already dressed and ready to go out.
We walked to the shops (about 3/4 mile) and got the few items we needed. As she was getting hungry we stopped for lunch and then we had behaviour breakdown.
Climbing all over the seats (we were in a cafe with booth seating) into the next booth, laying on the seat, climbing under the table, running off to go to the loo, running off to look out of the door...
In the end I said that if she didn't sit down and eat her lunch nicely we'd have no pudding. She didn't, so we had no pudding and walked back home.
Once we were home we DID have something else to eat to ensure that she wasn't hungry, but we then had another blip later in the evening after dinner.
I asked her to tidy up. I realise that was an unreasonable request!

I know it'll pass but sometimes it's just so damn annoying. DH and I were talking about it a few nights ago and we think the reason we find the 'bad' behaviour so difficult is that most of the time she acts like a 5 year old.

Ah yes Bertie - an impasse can definitely ensue! And not forgetting that they have to be genuine choices, never threats. So instead of: Wellies or bare feet it might be welllies or flip flops.

My DS has got wise to having choices, he responds with 'Umm, nothing. No thank you.' Or 'I'm not not not going to...'(accompanied by roll on floor, bright red face and flailing limbs).

Then Soloman, perhaps the choices are not sufficiently motivating or they have been presented after refusal has already been mooted.

I'm not sure the choices can always be both real and motivating. 'Ok, we need to go to preschool in 5 minutes, do you want to walk or take your bike?' 'Umm, no thank you, I think I'll stay here today.' I think I may have over done the whole choices thing though, he even has a choice of toothbrushes. The advice about 2 year-old tantrums getting better as they verbalize their feelings was never great for us either, he was an extremely verbal 2 year-old and would just tell you why he was cross as well as have the tantrum.

I've read 'How to Talk' and can see he is getting to the stage where it will start to be really useful. I've had some successes using the techniques to get him to talk about things that have happened at preschool.

Soloman, I do understand and I know it is hard to make choices motivating. I sat down and brainstormed ideas with my DH when things weren't working. It really helped. Could your soon choose which toy to take with him on the walk to school? Or could he choose a character to go in the story you will tell him as you walk along? Can he choose the route, dress up as a superhero etc.? The idea behind choices is not just about empowerment, it is also distraction from the barrier. All of mine prefer home to school and have done since they were tiny. I feel your pain!

son, not soon!

The other thing I did at that age (and still do now a decade later!) is give a countdown warning. So - ds 15 minutes until x, ds 10 minutes until x, ds 5 minutes until x, ds it's time to do x now. At 3 it isn't important to stick to the exact time given, 15 minutes could end up being 30, or 10, but the repetition of the countdown is. If at the park I would use 5 more goes and then we need to go home, 4 more and so on, ending with this is the last one, and then we are going to go home and get a drink/snack.

It didn't stop all the upsets. (and still doesn't - 30 minutes in to doing homework and we have one sentence, a trip to the toilet, a trip to get a drink, a wander into the garden and lots of head lying on the table making groaning noises) but it does help

I've got a 3.3 year old too. She is really tough some days. I very much empathise with all of the above.

I do the counting to 3 and the paired choices.

I also try to rabbit on when I think a meltdown is about to happen, so, take the putting shoes on (a common reason for rage in our house for some reason) I will say "right, wellies or shoes. Hmm, do you think it could rain, it rained yesterday, so you reckon rain, if so wellies. Or if you think its nice, shoes. Right, wellies or shoes, wellies or shoes, you put them on darling, yup, great, did you say shoes, ok, great shoes it is, put them on, brilliant, great, yes, shall we take a bag, we need to get some milk on the way .... yadda yadda."

All the time I'm helping her get the shoes and she may well be whinging and struggling but I'm like la la la.

Sounds intensely irritating (probably is) and you look like a dick in public, but it works for us!