What is wrong with my 3 year old??

[EST0106]

After some help please!, my DD is 3.3 and is being really difficult to manage at the moment. She is really stubborn and will not listen and do as she's told. It's definitely worse when she's tired but she sleeps 12 hours a night solidly, she doesn't nap anymore, having dropped that around 3 months ago.
I am trying the 1,2,3 magic techniques but it doesn't seem to be having any effect. This morning she wanted to walk to the shops and got about a quarter of the way there then refused to walk. I ended her dragging/carrying her home whilst trying to push my 5months old buggy with her kicking me and screaming, people where looking out their windows at us!! If I put her down and walk off, she never follows, just sits crying. As a result of this we are not going to play with her friend this afternoon, she's upset about this, but it's not really impacted on her behaviour as now she's in her room for refusing too wash her hands after going to the loo, something she always does. I know it's all about control but I feel like she's trying to break me!!
Is this level of defiance normal, I swear she would argue day was night!! It makes me sad because I don't enjoy spending time with her at the moment. Please help me to talk to her. Thanks.

I found countdowns worked better when kept very close to ending time and were activity specific so they understand better. So the "5 more goes" at the park is a good one and then reiterate what's happening after the park so they know what to expect.

I've got two of these - it is really really hard work. They've just dropped their nap so tiredness doesn't help.

We had parents for lunch yesterday and the kids were honestly vile - one mouthful and pushing plates away, demanding dessert, screeching and crying to get down - I've resorted to strapping them on their chairs again to try and get them to sit. They went to bed in full on winter sleep suits last night because they watched an episode of peppa that had snow in it and wanted it to snow here - they had gloves on too which I made them take off and it resulted in twenty minutes of hysterics so have in on the sleep suits and took their duvets off when they fell asleep.

I use the timer only phone a lot for counting down, they seem to engage well with it when they can see it clicking down. I don't think there are any easy answers though - apart from growing up a bit!

Thank you so much for all the tips!

I am going to try this tip with giving two choices. One thing that is stopping me: it feels a little bit like manipulation. Kids are very smart and I feel bad about cheating on them...What do you think ladies?

Dd saw straight through it. DD2 doesn't even register what you have said..pointless for my two but works for others

My DS is very amenable so I know I'm lucky but at the same time I am very strict - it's the only way to go with 3 year olds IMO. So none of this "come on, please..." nonsense.

Conversations in my house go like this:
Me: Two minutes till shoes on DS.
Me: Ok, time for shoes on.
DS: I'm just watching...
Me: Shoes on, now please DS.
DS: Whinge...
Me: Two choices, shoes on or in your room DS. Which one is it?
DS: (Crossly!) Shoes on!

In my world, if I say something I mean it and I mean it now. I used to be a teacher though and when teaching you absolutely cannot have faffing.

It depends how you do it. I still use it quite a lot for outlining acceptable options. So things like "I don't like that noise. You can go and make the noise somewhere else, or you can be quiet in here." or "We're coming up to a busy road now, are you going to hold my hand or sit in the pushchair?" They're making a genuine choice between two ways of managing a situation.

If you're using it as a distraction "Waaaaah I DON'T WANT TO put my SHOES ON" "Do you want to walk or scoot to nursery?" then perhaps it's a little bit more manipulative but again I think it depends what the situation is - sometimes if they're unenthusiastic about something giving them a little bit of control makes them feel better about it. And sometimes distraction is necessary just to get out of the door! But there are other ways to deal with a situation like this if you don't like the distraction way.

What you don't want to do is offer a "choice" which is really a threat like "Would you like to eat nicely, or shall I take your dinner away?" If you're giving a warning of some kind of punishment/consequence don't disguise it as a choice. The idea of the choice is that both options should be acceptable both to you and to your toddler. (Obviously toddlers tend to find nothing acceptable most of the time, but you know, reasonably acceptable.)

Argh see I've worded it oddly... nothing wrong with presenting a behaviour/consequence as a choice like in cailindana's example, but I wouldn't word it nicey nicey "Would you like to do X or Y?" because it's confusing. The idea of the behaviour management technique often called "offer choices" is that both choices should be roughly equal, neither should be something you're hoping they don't choose and both need to be something you're happy with.

IME it should be something direct and related but some people use it in a distraction way. You can do it that way too, but it's not as often effective, because as others have said some children see through it and find it dismissive. In that situation you might be better off using some other behaviour management tool like reflecting their feelings with empathy, explaining the problem, giving them some kind of responsibility or straight out bribe, threat, distract, force! Last resorts but occasionally necessary.

I am very much an advocate of authoritative parenting - ie I am in control, and what I say goes, but I am not a dragon I am a benevolent leader. I do give options, but only in situations where options are acceptable, such as what to have for lunch or what to play when we have free time. If we need to go out we need to go out and if shoes need to go on they need to go on, there are no options there. I will acknowledge feelings such as "I know you're cross about leaving DS because you've had a great time but we need to go now, so shoes on." Some things are just not up for negotiation in my book.

This sounds so much like my nearly 3 year old! She is so wonderful most of the time but I would say we have some sort of meltdown most days, usually linked to being tired and/or hungry.
We find that where possible being as positive & fun about things helps a lot. So the other day when she didn't want to walk the 50 metres back to the car & sat down screaming, we said something like 'I know, let's see how many hops/jumps it is' and then she was off like a shot! I also say a lot, 'let's see if we can put on shoes/go to toilet/walk home etc by time I've counted to 20. This works 9/10 I reckon! We also just say or do something really silly to make her laugh & this often works. I just think you get so much more out of kids when you're as positive with them rather than constantly nagging them or getting into an argument with them!

Oh, one other thing I did (and do) was ensure he was not hungry or thirsty. The number of tantrums that eased once food was in him was amazing. At one point I made sure I always had a small flapjack bar with me, as hungry was (and still is) a major source of poor behaviour.
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