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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Ds sobbing every evening after being at childerminders.

40 replies

PanicPants · 16/09/2006 16:10

I've just returned to work and dp is split between my sister for 3 days and a CM for 2 days.

I thought this situation would be ideal, 3 days free childcare with family, and then 2 days with CM to enable ds to socilise with other children. But it's been horrendous.

I've been back 2 weeks now, and had hoped ds would have settled into it by now but he hasn't.

Each evening he sobs and sobs for hours (he's never done this before - and it's worse on the days the CM has him), I think it's mainly tiredness, as at home he would sleep between 3 and 5 hours a day, but now only gets about an hour if he's lucky from the CM and maybe 2 from my sister.

It's that awful sobbing that nothing I can do helps. He won't eat much or drink his milk, he won't go down for a nap, won't be cuddled, but doesn't want to be put down either. He really just wants to be walked around the house. He is teething as well.

The last few nights I've resorted to giving him calol, but I can't keep giving him calpol everyday just to calm him down.

Has anyone any practical advice? He's just 1 and it's breaking my heart.

OP posts:

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docket · 16/09/2006 16:17

how horrible for you both. what is he like when you drop him off with the cm? can you speak to the cm about him getting more sleep?

Original poster

PanicPants · 16/09/2006 16:25

He's fine when I drop him off at both sisters and cm. The cm has quite a full day of picking up and dropping her other mindees off, and then on the days she has ds, they go to soft play and the library story time in the mornings, then have dinner, then a sleep and then she has to wake him up to go and collect her other mindee from school. So it's the practicalities.

I was hoping someone would say their lo had been like it and had settled down.

OP posts:

noonar · 16/09/2006 16:41

panicpants, i really don't mean to sound judgemenatl, but is it absolutely essential that you work 5 days a week? you say it's mainly tiredness, but isn't more likely that he misses his mummy?

noonar · 16/09/2006 16:42

panicpants, i really don't mean to sound judgemenatl, but is it absolutely essential that you work 5 days a week? you say it's mainly tiredness, but isn't more likely that he misses his mummy?

makemineadouble · 16/09/2006 16:55

You poor thing as if going back to work isnt hard enough! Will he sleep in buggy they're so comfy now days, then cm could just wheel him to school? most babes love to sleep on the move

beansprout · 16/09/2006 17:05

It really does sound like he is tired. I think you would see more tears when you arrived there if he really didn't like it. Teething + being tired + big change to routine is bound to result in him being a bit upset. Awful for you though. I would speak to the CM about him needing more sleep and take it from there. Hope things improve. It's still early days so please don't give yourself too hard a time. He will settle down (promise).

Original poster

PanicPants · 16/09/2006 17:08

noonar - I applied for flexible working hours and was turned down (thats another very long thread) and would give anything to jobshare (I'm a teacher). I'm looking for a jobshare for January, so I'm hoping something will come up by then.

Can't afford to be a SAHM, but could just about afford part time hours. I had to go back to my present school (for 13 weeks), or have to pay back my mat. money

As for the cm letting him sleep in his pushchair, she goes everywhere by car - but shortish journeys so he doesn't have tme to fall asleep.

I'm wondering about changing CM but don't want to upset ds any further.

OP posts:

Mercy · 16/09/2006 17:12

Def overtiredness (plus missing you) .

Does the childminder have other mindees during the day (once the others are at school) or just your ds?

Going from 3/5 hours sleep to 1 hour a day is far too much for a one year old. You need to speak to your sister and childminder re this.

Poor you and ds.

noonar · 16/09/2006 17:13

panicpants, i am a teacher too. i jobshare in a yr 5 class.

I thought they had to have exceptional reasons to refuse a jobshare. i really do sympathise. it must be very distressing for you all.

i really didn't want to sound judgemental, and my heart goes out to you and ds.

beansprout · 16/09/2006 17:14

If you do need to change CM, I would do it. Bear in mind where you want to be by, say, Christmas and aim for that. Ds will adjust, he's not hopelessly bonded with her at this point in time and less stress for you is very important too!

Original poster

PanicPants · 16/09/2006 17:19

Noonar, thats intersting, have a look at this

And tell me what you think (I used to be jmum6 btw)

OP posts:

makemineadouble · 16/09/2006 17:22

PP I dont think your ds is in a neglectfull situation but maybe one that does'nt suit? what do YOU want from his childcare? busy day fine and great fun but sleep and freash air as important as food IMHO If you move him nicely to an experienced cm he wont even notice and prob be much happier and then you will be good luck to you

Original poster

PanicPants · 16/09/2006 17:22

Mercy, she has 2 others during the day, one of them is a 2 year old who knows ds well.

Think it is just a lack of sleep. He realy loves his sleep and today so far has had 3and a half hours this mornign and is still asleep now, even though I put him down at 3.30!

Maybe I should be thinking about cutting down on sleep at the weekends then?

OP posts:

Original poster

PanicPants · 16/09/2006 17:25

interesting even! My typing skills have gone to pot!

OP posts:

noonar · 16/09/2006 17:32

panicpants, i jobshare with my deputy and the school have been v supportive of this- was full time for 6 yrs then had dd1, went back after 6mo. ( you weren'y allowed a year off then). then had dd2, was off for 9mo. i now work 0.4.

your head sounds like an a*se. didi you get union advice on this? you do have rights, you know! and those rights exist regardless of your head's preferences! speak to your union!

Donk · 16/09/2006 17:40

From my experience the whilst the law may say they have to have exceptional reasons to turn down a jobshare, most secondary schools hate them and will do anything to avoid them......
I went for a job share post which was advertised locally (it had better remain nameless. From advert to deadline was 1 week. To start asap, teaching 1 day per week. Teacher to offer 'A' level chemistry. The only reason it got advertised was because the unions got involved. It was then re-advertised after no applications were received, because the unions pointed out that the member of staff who wanted to job share was only teaching KS3 and bottom set KS4 - so advertising for 'A' level chemistry was deliberately restrictive. This was when I applied as a general science/physicist (and not knowing the history). Every possible obstacle was put in the way - the one day per week was on one day one week and another day the following week. They said asap and then didn't contact me for 10 weeks after my application went in. When I went for interview they showed me the department but made sure I didn't meet any members of staff other than the HT and HoD. Certainly not the member of staff with whom the job was potentially shared. They came up with all sorts of reasons why it wouldn't work - difficulty of handing over books etc since we would never be in school at the same time. Certainly they were all issues that needed to be adressed, but they made damn sure I didn't know that the other teacher only lived 3 miles from me, so that meeting up would easy.....
Then I had to go back another day to teach a demonstration lesson. Now teaching a demo lesson is common practice, but they don't usually make you hang around for anothre 2 weeks waiting to know when and what to teach and ignoring your phone calls....Whether it was cock up or conspiracy I hesitate to say, but the class teacher told one half of the class that they would be getting me for half an hour - and the HoD (who didn't want the job share to go ahead) told the other half of the class to come to the room where I had set up. Confusion. The equipment I had requested was not all there. More confusion. The subject I had been told to teach, their own teacher noticed as she came in was the one they had just done two lessons earlier (the lab tech introduced me to her at break, and the HoD appeared 2 minutes later and was clearly put out that we were talking). More confusion as I hastily tried to ammend the lesson plan with 5 minutes to go,
I freely admit that flustered by all of this, my lesson was not exactly perfect. They decided not to appoint - and clearly would rather that the member of staff resigned and they had a whole job to advertise and not two part-timers.

Original poster

PanicPants · 16/09/2006 17:45

Donk. My head had already made his mind up. I'm looking for jobshare posts now for january so we shall see.

OP posts:

Mercy · 16/09/2006 18:08

I would have thought at least 3 hours sleep during the day is normal for a 1 year old however it's done - ds used to sleep for 1 hour am and 2+ hrs pm.

Agree maybe you need a different childminder - one with less mindees.

Good luck

joanna4 · 16/09/2006 18:15

The thing is he has 3 routines on the go doesnt he -yours at home, the one your sister has and the one the childminder has.That is an awful lot for a little one to take on board. It does sound to me like a combination of the strangeness of new things,tiredness and teething.
You are saying he loves his sleep but from my experience foremostly as a mum and from memory as an ex childminder if there are busy things going on sleep is normally the last thing they want to be doing.

Littlefish · 16/09/2006 18:30

Hi panicpants,

I had the same sort of problem with my dd when I first went back to work. She was about 10 months, and went from having 2 -3 hours sleep every day at home, to sometimes only half an hour at the childminders. It was a combination of being in a new place, the room being too light (she was used to black out blinds) and the child minder not being able to accommodate her regular sleep times due to school pickups and other mindees needing to be out and about. This led to her being completely over tired and crying from about 4.00pm onwards. The childminder found her really hard to cope with, but didn't really seem to want to find a way to try and resolve the matter.

I'm afraid that I just bit the bullet and moved dd to another childminder. Luckily we found an absolutely amazing one and dd is now so happy. Her sleep is still slightly erratic, but the childminder does her best to ensure that dd gets plenty of sleep whenever possible.

I hope you manage to sort this out. I know how hard it is to go and do a job that you aren't really enjoying, knowing that your child is not completely happy. It's so very, very hard.

Littlefish · 16/09/2006 18:31

Oh, and my new childminder charges more than the last one, but only ever has dd and one other mindee during the day (plus her own children after school).

motherinferior · 16/09/2006 18:33

Oh honey. I can say that another childminder almost certainly would allow him the sleep he's used to - certainly three hours, if not five. It's not necessarily the number of mindees she has, but the way she's structured the day which doesn't sound very suitable for a baby...

Original poster

PanicPants · 16/09/2006 18:38

Think I will seriously have to think about getting a new cm

Thank you everyone.

OP posts:

springerspaniel · 16/09/2006 18:44

Hold off! I really think your LO will get used to it and start having longer naps. My LO has been at nursery for 6 months now and he still gets less sleep than at home but he is used to it now and sort of catches up at home. He LOVES nursery and when I pick him up, he grins at me, gives me a kiss, then runs off to grab a toy to show me. Sometimes he still is tetchy at home but that is because it is SO exciting at nursery. Last weekend we went to a christenning and he didn't sleep all day and was an angel all day because there were other kids to play with. I honestly just think it takes a little time. Don't beat yourself up about it - it is hard enough going back to work.

AngelaChill · 16/09/2006 20:19

How about you put him to bed earlier to make up for his lost sleep in the daytime ? Just give him the painrelief for his teeth if he needs it he needs it.

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