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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

I have broken all the rules re mealtime discipline!

45 replies

Blu · 30/03/2004 15:54

DS (now 2ys 8 mths) has had TERRIBLE mealtime disciplne, which all started ages ago when he was constantly poorly and I tempted him to eat in front of a video. As soon as he could crawl/walk, he has never wanted to sit still for ANYTHING esp food, and although he will eat a wide range of food and isn't especially fussy, he would just escape, climb down and refuse to eat after the first few mouthfuls sated his immediate feeling of hunger. In the Autumn the HV said he was underweight, and I have been getting increasingly BORED with him not having a settled eating routine. I have read numerous sensible and sensitive advice on what to do, (such as 'don't make an issue of it'but two weeks ago I decided enough was enough, and just FORCED him to sit on my lap until he had eaten a proper meal. He squirmed and struggled to begin with (for about 3 meals) and I just said 'no, we're sitting here and having our dinner'.

Anyway, it seems to have worked. He will now sit at the table and eat 75% of his dinnner, no video, just active conversation. Have I got away with bad parenting - or will it come back to haunt me!?

OP posts:

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Original poster

Blu · 30/03/2004 15:54

Icon-y think snook in

OP posts:

mears · 30/03/2004 15:56

IMO that was not bad parenting. That was setting the ground rules and stopping a toddler riding rough shod over you. Well done

mummytojames · 30/03/2004 16:01

instead of sitting him on you lap have you tried some kind of high chair where you can strap him in to i found they work well its not bad parenting at all if there ill there not going to want to eat mines going through it at the moment whethere it will come back to haught you kids go through stages so if he does start to get fussy again its not that its coming back to haunt you its the fact that is either a stage or he's feeling unwell best of luck for the future

motherinferior · 30/03/2004 16:05

Well, I'm very tempted to copy you. DD1 is TERRIBLE for running off to the telly. Shamefully so. Can I show dp this thread?

Original poster

Blu · 30/03/2004 16:09

MI: Yes! (I think it made a difference that I started this at my Mum's, a new rule for a new place, and just continued it when we got home).

Mummytojames: I tried that when he was younger, and he spent the whole time struggling to undo the straps, and not eating. But he does now sit without being forced. I just grab him if he looks as if he's making a break for it!

OP posts:

frogs · 30/03/2004 16:18

Good for you! Glad to see I'm not the only mealtime fascist out there...

FWIW, I think tough tactics do work at mealtimes, if manners etc. matter to you, which they do to me. My rules (older kids than yours, 8 and 5) are that they don't have to eat anything they don't want to, but I don't offer alternatives. Also they're not allowed to mess around with the food, or to be rude about it.

The result, pleasingly, is that they will eat almost anything that crosses their field of vision, sitting at the table and using a knife and fork fairly competently, without all the 'uurgh, yuk, what's that, don't like that, it's got bits in" malarkey that seems to be so widespread. The 'don't make an issue of it' school of thought seems to assume they'll pick up decent behaviour by themselves, but how will they know what acceptable behaviour is unless a parent draws the line for them?

I know plenty of people think we're demon parenting nazis, but the same people also go on endlessly about how great the kids' table manners are. You pays your money and takes your choice...

motherinferior · 30/03/2004 16:30

I want to be a DPN. Somehow it's all gone pearshaped. Not helped by dp, his mum, everyone else...oh no not at all my fault, obviously

Bozza · 30/03/2004 16:32

I think you've done the right thing. Have gone through a phase where DS was trying it on at mealtimes on Monday lunchtime because of tiredness brought on by over busy weekends. I had been letting him sit in different seats, on my lap etc making various concessions to his tiredness but in the end he was treating it like a game. I just said that he had to sit nicely at the table until I had finished eating (nothing about his food) and if he couldn't do that he would go sit on the step. He quickly ended up on the step but then came back to the table and ate his lunch really nicely.

jimmychoos · 30/03/2004 16:35

blu - good for you. I will never forget a friend trying to feed her 2.5 yrs ds his lunch as he was riding a bike in the garden - that would be where you'd have ended up!
Frogs - you sound like you've got it sorted to me. Have your kids always been good at eating? My 4 year old was fantastic at trying everything until about a 6 mths ago (and I was quietly v v smug about it) but he's now at the full-blown 'what are those bits/ it's got lumps/ I don't like that' ...stage. A week ago he said to me 'Mummy I just don't like the sort of food you cook'. Great! I'm hoping it's a phase. I do take your approach tho - take it or leave it but no alternatives and no filling up on pud (unsually only yoghurt anyway.)

Original poster

Blu · 30/03/2004 16:45

LOL Jimmychoos - and I was only a short step from that scenario, a very short step!

OP posts:

lydialemon · 30/03/2004 17:00

Yes, in 16 years he will be sitting in his university digs, with his feet up on the coffee table, watching Countdown whilst eating beans on toast AND IT WILL ALL BE YOUR FAULT!

I'm a real DPN, I make 5 mth old DD sit up at the table in her Bumbo whilst we eat.

WideWebWitch · 30/03/2004 17:02

Blu, agree with Mears, well done!

dinosaur · 30/03/2004 17:17

Sounds pretty good to me Blu!

DH has actually taken quite a tough line with DS1 (the autie one) re. mealtimes (as I am not usually at home when they have tea) and it has paid dividends. Not only does DS1 eat more food at a sitting, he is also trying a wider range of foods.

I can't wait to tell him he's a DPN

mears · 30/03/2004 17:18

motherinferior - get that child sorted out You are the boss

frogs · 30/03/2004 17:26

I haven't really got it sorted, I think it's helped by the fact that my kids are quite greedy! I can live with them not eating something, but I just get really offended if I've bothered to cook and people start moaning. When they have criticised, I just whisked the food away, going, 'oh well, you won't be wanting any supper, then, if it's all so yucky', and they've backtracked fast.

dd1 (8) when confronted with something she suspects may contain courgettes has been known to say, 'Excuse me, I don't want to be rude or anything, but what exactly is this?' which I guess does translate as 'Eeeerrrr', but is at least polite!

The other thing I've found helps is getting them involved in cooking, as they'll eat almost anything if they've cooked it themselves. Besides, I'm hoping that one day there'll be a payoff when I get to sit at the table going, 'Mmm, what a lovely supper you've cooked, sweetheart, and what exactly are those black bits?'

Evita · 30/03/2004 20:24

Oh dear, Blu, you've got me worried. My dd, 18 months, is a terrible eater but it's more to do with being fussy and having a small / non-existent appetite than not being able to sit still. So I've resorted a few months back to watching videos while she eats as she just eats more when I do that. But I'm not happy about it really. Do you think I'll be making for a big problem later? She sits happily in the highchair, never struggles, just doesn't eat!

iota · 30/03/2004 20:45

My kids eat breakfast in front of the telly if it's toast, but sit up at the table if it's cereal.
Dinner is served at the dining table, but ds2 who is 2.5 often gets down and returns to it up to an hour later.

As long as they eat, I really don't mind.

JJ · 30/03/2004 21:04

My first son was Mr Perfect -- took him out to restaurants all the time, he'd sit there, y'know, perfectly.

Second son is hellion. But he needs to eat all the time. The thing I can't get my head around is why this is bad. It's been suggested that grown-ups need, what, 6 small meals a day? He eats but doesn't quite do meals yet.

I guess my reasoning is that he gets a decent diet and I don't take him to restaurants (can't and won't). So why is it so bad? He's 2 1/2 and won't understand dinner conversation. Plus, that's not a great conversational time for us.. too much chowing down, "Eat your food, eldest!".

That having been said (which I know is someone's most unfavourite phrase), well done! I'm going to keep it in mind.

jasper · 30/03/2004 22:06

JJ you have just encapsulated my view of parenting perfectly. Beware anyone who tries to take the credit for the good behaviour of their firstborn

mears · 30/03/2004 22:41

JJ- I never said anything about taking them to restaurants I always found that to be a horrendous experience which ended up with DH and I threatening never to take them anywhere again in their lives! I was just happy to have them sit at the table at home.

Tommy · 30/03/2004 22:46

My DS1 used to eat all his meals at the table until DS2 came along when I found it was easier to let him sit in front of the telly while I breastfed DS2 - a habit which I'm finding difficult to get him out of. Although (as I said to the HV today ) we do have lunch at the table.
Have my brother and SIL coming to stay this weekend and their 3 children who are "not allowed to eat in the living room" so I hope DS1 is going to play ball as we politely sit at the table for all our meals....

laurakim · 31/03/2004 08:18

Blu..you acheived your goal

My ds has never been a fussy eater either and used to sit in his feeding chair until he started getting mobile and then would throw tantrums, so we bought him a small chair and he sits at the coffee table in the lounge now and eats there!! Granted he will sit for a few minutes and then wonder around the house but he eats.

When we go out to eat he is really good and will sit at the table...same at my moms, he sits at the table and eats

motherinferior · 31/03/2004 09:00

DD1 will eat in restaurants, actually, and is a dream at her childminder's and quite often fine at other people's houses - as long as there are enough people around. At home we've got into a shameful habit (which I am ashamed even to admit, actually) of letting her sit at her little table in front of the telly. We do aim for lunch together at the weekends but it frequently crumbles. Had chat with dp about this (skived off work and walked with them to the childminder and back with him in the sunshine, lovely) and we are going to be tougher. We are. We are.

I am demon, hear me howl

iota · 31/03/2004 09:36

Tommy - it was the same for us - ds1 having breakfast in front of the telly whilst I was busy with the new baby.

It's tricky for us not to eat in the living room, as the dining room and living room are open plan to each other.

At least my 2 were trained to sit and eat properly at nursery

miranda2 · 31/03/2004 09:53

aargh - ds always eats on knee in front of telly - am bad mother.....

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