Are parents always to blame for their children's bad behaviour?

[sandyballs]

And if so, when did it all start. It's surely a modern thing. When I behaved badly I'm pretty sure my parents didn't beat themselves up about their bad parenting skills and try to find out "where they had gone wrong", they just accepted that kids occasionally behave badly.

The reason I'm asking is that one of my DDs (5) behaved quite appalling for a day during our holiday last week. Lots of shouting, foot stamping and flinging herself about, which although very wearing and a bit embarrassing in public, I just put down to too many late nights and erratic mealtimes. But DH viewed it completely differently, started going on about me being too soft with her, how it was a cry for attention because her sister gets more of my time (in his opinion, not mine!), how I should take her out on my own, just the two of us etc. Basically blaming me for her bad behaviour.

I agree with Sandyballs - I think its a modern thing, to even worry about it - or more commonly feel guilty about it - I think our parents were too busy getting on with it, to have time to even think.

i agree with most of the posts on this topic - my 2 are still too young to have really tested me yet (ds 2yr and dd 5m) but i find my opinion on/ ability to cope with, esp ds's behaviour depends alot on how i am feeling. e.g. if we have been cooped up all day and ds hasn't had nap he will be a holy terror imo running riot scribbling on walls and worst of all constantly whining - but the poor mite is simply bored and tired - and so am i.

i hate that people label children so young as good or bad - an old lady in tescos was cooing over dd today and asked if she was a 'good baby' - how do you ans that? i said she was a happy baby and left it at that. The best thing i think i can do is properly feed my children, make sure they have enough sleep, try to make sure they don't get bored, i avoid 'bad' behaviour from ds as much as poss by avoiding potential conflict situations and not giving into whining and by being consistant - but i don't think my methods have really been tested yet and i worry about my huge 2 yo scaring/ hurting smaller children in his puppyish enthusiasm to play with them (has been a few close calls in park) and i am really not sure how to cope with that - his sis has survived so far though!

When we were kids our parents gave us a slap if we overstepped the boundaries they'd set. We got a warning, then if we did it again, a slap. Didn't do us any harm whatsoever.

I also think that a slight fear of your parents is important for discipline. I'm not talking sheer terror here, just that edge of knowing your parents would go mad if you did such-and-such, which was enough to make you not do it in the first place.

Also hated to feel I'd disappointed them. Almost worse than them being angry was that quiet, "I'm so disappointed in you ..."

I don't think its necessarily that new to think or worry about it, to some extent.
My mother told me they tried teaching my sister not to touch the fireplace as a toddler by lightly slapping her hand, and she started wetting herself (having been dry) again. They agonized about it, felt it was probably down to their parenting tactics, and changed what they did.
They also read Dr Spock (this is in the early 60s) looking for parenting advice.
I doubt they were the only ones!

I have found all this very interesting. In theory I do not think bad behaviour is down the parenting however I find this hard in practice. I am always blaming myself for DDs bad behaviour (not that she is badly behaved all the time). I then over compensate and come down quite hard on her. In the heat of the moment I find it difficult to think about why she behaving in such a way and dealing with the cause I tend to just punish...

My mum said recently 'she is only 5 she has to be naughty sometimes'.

I think its usually a mixture. Not an either/or.

I don't know

but I know my kids are always to blame for MY bad behaviour

pass the wine

No, I blame the neighbours.

I think it also depends on how you define bad behaviour. The other day I was walking along the road and the kids were in front of me running along, laughing, pushing each other, etc. A bad-tempered woman who they had just run round, said to me "could you control your children please!"

But I didn't think they were behaving badly. Just normally. They didn't run into her, they ran round her. They are 7 and 4 and I don't insist that they march in an orderly fashion in a quite street when they've just been sitting in a car for 2 hours. Doubtless she went away and ranted to her friends about badly behaved kids and lousy parenting.

Bovvered...

Nope, not at all.

Conversely they can never take any credit when they do something wonderfully polite and delightful

quiet

exactly JanH ... started this before I saw this thread

A couple of childless friends always bang on and on about other people's badly behaved kids they've seen in restaurants etc etc. I think it makes them sound really old and barren!

thank you floatingonthemed (god i wish i was!) - i have just returned from a v successful trip to the park lots of nice interaction with other kids - i think i worry about others expecting too much from ds as he looks about a year older than he is so a lot of it is about how people react to him - i should probably stop obsessing about it. My mum had the same problem with me and my siblings as young children - and so it is on my mind.

I think a combination of personality (child and parent)and parenting choices affect behaviour good and bad - if you want credit for the good behaviour you have to take responsibility for the bad but social, economic and emotional circumstances affect childrens behaviour as well. My sis and i were both very 'good' and swotty at school and so was my youngest bro - mum was the main disciplinarian but when she got v angry and occasionly slapped us we knew it was more about her than us even when we were young children. She always said if she hit us it was because she had failed to control her emotions it didn't make us behave better just meant we were a bit frightened of upsetting her - which only leads to sneaky behaviour. However my bro was 11 when our father died and i went off to uni in a matter of weeks - his behaviour deteriorated after that and he was suspended a few times got into minor trouble with the police and did a bit too much 'partying'... he was never seriously off the rails and he is doing really well now at 25(at uni) but i know that his circumstances were to blame for most of the risky and attention seeking behaviour - who can be blamed for that? we need to stop blaming and start helping

How much of your own bad behaviour do you blame on your parents parenting skills? Now I know that you know when you misbehave so just ask yourself has it anything to do with how you were parented.

First point, real diagnoses of real conditions are something else.

Second point, small children misbehave, teeages push the envelope to see what they can get away with. However, our role as the adults is to correct that behaviour whenever possible.

Third point, ever larger numbers of children that I see in secondary have never been corrected in a supportive, loving, positive, consistant way. And boy can you tell! many of them think that the world revolves around them and that their behavious will never have consequences. In this last group, the parents are often to blame. I am reminded of a child last year who attacked another, unprovoked, it took three adults to peal the child off the victim. the mother said the child had a 'right to defend herself'

I agree that such parents need help, but the first step to accepting help is that they have to accept that their parenting is significantly adding to the problem.

i should add the 'bad' behaviour only ever hurt my bro - he never hurt anyone else it was rebellion never violence - although he suffered unprovoked attacks from others because he was tall and they thought it would make them look hard! Any parent who justifys violent aggressive behaviour from their children should be required to look at the damage they are doing responsibility for yourself and towards others is an important lesson kids need to learn from their parents.

My parents suffered from a general belief that parents were responsible for their children's bad behaviour (in a church setting anyway), in that when we turned up for church my teenage brother and I were perfect angels and people used to say, "We know what kind of parents you are by your very good children." My parents would grind their teeth, as at home they had been suffering from horrible teenage behaviour but didn't like to admit it as they would therefore be turning themselves in!!! As someone once said - Parenthood = 20 years of guilt and worry......

On the other hand, they were very committed parents and we were both very good young children. Mum always skites that we would respond to her looks. However I think that was over-good as my first memory was when I was 5, first day at school, and I was forced to wet my pants because the teacher became a bit grumpy and said there wasn't to be any interruptions. I was desparate to go to the toilet but "had" to obey her instructions not to interrupt so couldn't ask to go to the toilet. I don't think my ds will be so "good".

When I asked my mother whether it was more cruel to brush my son's long hair to the accompaniment of cries and misery or to drag him to the hairdressers to have it chopped off, which he definitely didn't want, she just laughed and said, it didn't matter what I did, in future he would blame me for it anyway.

floating on the med you say that you dont like the use of saying 'disappointed in you' i actually prefer that to losing my temper, or saying i am angry, you are naughty etc. I never use the word bad. By saying that i feel my ds1 resonds much better than saying anything else. But hey parenting in an individual thing and there is not a perfect way of doing to. But i do think that consistence with a child is the best way so they learn which perameters they can work in

We are a mixture of our genes and what our parents do to us. Everyday of their lives we are affecting and moulding our children, they will not reach adulthood without gripes about how we have treated them.
They will have some insecurities and hang ups because of what we have done or haven't done. I have never met an adult in my entire life who hasn't been affected in a negative way, however small, by their upbringing.
We are responsible for their behaviour and to a very great extent we channel that behaviour both by our expectations and reactions. By what say and what we don't say. We can't get away from the fact that we affect our children. The best we can do is to try our best and do what we think is right at the time.