Are parents always to blame for their children's bad behaviour?

[sandyballs]

And if so, when did it all start. It's surely a modern thing. When I behaved badly I'm pretty sure my parents didn't beat themselves up about their bad parenting skills and try to find out "where they had gone wrong", they just accepted that kids occasionally behave badly.

The reason I'm asking is that one of my DDs (5) behaved quite appalling for a day during our holiday last week. Lots of shouting, foot stamping and flinging herself about, which although very wearing and a bit embarrassing in public, I just put down to too many late nights and erratic mealtimes. But DH viewed it completely differently, started going on about me being too soft with her, how it was a cry for attention because her sister gets more of my time (in his opinion, not mine!), how I should take her out on my own, just the two of us etc. Basically blaming me for her bad behaviour.

well in reality, no, parents are not alwys responsible for their children's bad behaviour. in fact they are not even usually responsible for it.

but I don't think the idea that they are is not a recent one: "spare the rod and spoil the child" and all that.

if my dh had said that when one of mine was playing up I'd have hit him.

5 year olds are meant to play up- they're not mini adults (and I've found that ds2- mr laid back- get stroppier by the minute approaching 5). It's how you deal with it when they do play up that's important iyswim.

Think your dh is barking. (or commenting without really thinking- after all its easy to pontificate if you're not proposing to be the one who does anything about it!).

I think your dh watches too much telly

yes - didn't notice she was 5. he has def been watching too many progs about older children.

i htink its a ixture
soem paretns dont know how to set rules and discipline imo

i think in some cases it is the parents fault but im talking about children that misbehave all the time because they have never had a good role model or any disapline etc

in this case i dont think its youir fault i think you know your child best and if you think it was down to change of routine then it most likely was dont listen to your dh he's obviously been watching too much tv as others have said!

I don't know about the responsibility of parents part, but I would definitely be thinking the same as you about the one "off" day! After all, is your dh Mr Sunshine every single day? Think not! And kids that age don't yet have the social skills to cover up a bad mood/tiredness/generally less perky day. I'm not sure I do either, to be honest!

I think kids have their own personalities and energy levels and that largely dictates their behaviour. Parents have a roll in trying to contain the worst aspects of a child's behaviour and personally I think parental expectations are important - knowing your child's 'tendencies' and either expecting way too much or way too little from them seems to lead to the worst behaviour.

Well OK this thread is a bit dangerous for me and I should parp myself but I am boreed and cn't get in the kitchen (DH has taken it over BAH) so I will risk it LOL.

Of course parents aren't always responsible for their kids behaviour. Or did I cause Sam's ASD? No. Parents can obviously have a negative influence on a child and some are downright awful and seem Hell bent to do their best to wreck their kids life chances. Many however are either blessed with a little darling, burderned with a little terror and are simply doing their best with what they have been alotted. The rest of us (remembering I am a Mum of 3, not just DS1) balance somewhere in the middle teetering to each isde on occasion.

With a few sad exceptions, we do our best and little jibes from those around us serve to amke matters worse when in reality, most of us are our own worst enemies when it comes to blame (MN being a prime example of this, with the 'Tarquin just hit his baby brother, is it because I gave him a non organic banana three weeks ago? brigade)

The trouble of ocurse is that parenthood is supposed to be both hard work AND enjoyable, and this blame culture seems to take the edge of that enjoyment for so many.

chuckling at Peachy's banana example...because I know some exactly like that! Poor love, she worries over the tiniest little thing that isn't textbook, goes into a lather of anxiety if she can't find the organic version of a favourite yogurt and nearly fell apart when I said not to worry about sterilising so much (at age 18mths) observing that he would probably have been licking the floor 10 mins previously anyway. Should have seen her face, poor thing! Sorry, digressing off topic, but the banana comment did make me laugh!

ha ha peachyclair you just wrote what I couln;t be bothered to earlier.

DS1 is repeatedly playing up in the street atm because he wants to look through letterboxes and I won't let him. He's 7, he looks rather large to be flailing around on the floor, but a letterbox compusion is not my fault.

(JimJmas, just sent of for the Sunderland test for Sam after seeing your recommendation, will be interesting)

Sorry, Hijack over

Peachy- my shock was ds3 testing positive! Have you ever spoken to Paul Shattock? He's lovely.

I wonder if ds3 would, seeing as he has the same dietray stuff without the behaviours. Hmmmmm

Will get muyself tested after sam I tbink though, that'll be interesting (Now we're getting DLA and I get carers Allowance for a few weeks, am throwing cash at it all a bit whilst it is there, iyswim)

Oops to the OP

Put DH on the naughty step imo

they are not responsible for the behaviour but they are responsible for DEALING with it iyswim....giving the behaviour consequences, not necessarily punitive, but even something like thinking the behaviour is down to tiredness, so taking child home/to sit quietly/ whatever....and as peachy and jimjams point out we are ALL responsible for being a little more tolerant and understanding that there are things that make some children more likely to exhibit some eye catching behaviour - we shouldn't be so quick to judge.

well my dd was a ridiculously easy child, laid back and naturally well behaved.Of course I accepted all the praise as if I was responsible,only to have ds 10 yrs later who has an entirely different personality that rebels against all authority and challenges us at every turn.Needless to say my family are constantly comparing the two wondering where I've gone wrong thos time.Truth is dd is mild mannered like dh and ds is a sparky little rebel ,much like me.
parents have to respond to behaviour and accept that some kids will challenge beyond belief and it's no fault of the parents.

i always blame my poor parenting for my children's bad behaviour(not that they are that bad atall,i just have an overwhelming guilt complex),but i too remember whan i was little the attitude was that if a child was naughty it was the childs fault,none of this'oh,his mother/father whatever must be hitting him thats why he's hitting younger children'.
that said,obviously its upto parents to make rules and put boundaries in place,but kids will be kids,u cant control their every move.
lmao at banana thing.

Children come with different personalities, some more compliant than others. When children act up, it could just because they are hungry, confused about changes, tired etc. As parents, we are not responsible for their behaviour, but it is our job to know spend time with and know our children inside out so that we can better guide them. Sometimes that means being understanding, others being firm. It depends on what works best with the child, and the situation.

I am so grateful for this thread. DD threw the mother of all tantrums in a boots on Sunday. We were in a very big queue, she wanted something, I said no, she went mad. Then the dirty looks started from other parents in the queue and from the staff. They even opened another till!!! I am still mortified but put it down to her being tired, hungry and just annoyed at being stuck in a trolley. She is generally v good and lots of people comment on how polite she is. I do hope it isn't a reflection on my parenting skills?!?!?

Supernanny et al unfailingly concentrate on changing the parents in order to change the child. I think bad behaviour is hugely about parenting.

When you put your dds behaviour down to late nights and erratic meals, you were probably quite right - but that WAS down to your parenting after all as it is up to the parents to enforce bedtimes and appropriate meal times.

Having said that, all children test boundaries, so they all act up sometimes!

I have often said to DH that I can't imagine our parents ever thinking our bad behaviour had anything at all to do with them. Thought I was coasting along quite nicely until yesterday. Had to wait an hour for a scheduled appt at the dentist in a room the size of a rabbit hutch with the DSs (age 13 & 9 fgs) repeatedly trying to stab each other and sword fight with the new knitting needles I had bought 5 mins earlier. The other old lady in the waiting room looked as if she was going to pass out with indignation.