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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

How can I stop giving DS what he wants

36 replies

adrianna22 · 30/05/2014 19:55

I have an amazing 4 year old DS. But whenever we go out and he spots that MCdonalds, sweet shops, toy shops. He would throw a tantrum if we did not go into that shop.

The other day, as he likes travelling anywhere planes, taxis, cars etc, he wanted to ride in the underground- I told him "Not today" and I walked past the station, but he began to throw a tantrum, even grabbing onto my hair, which took me many times to get him off my hair. I gave in as he was embarrassing me .

Even when I take him out shopping, I'm even scared to say "No" to him if he picks up something for me to buy. Otherwise he would cry.

This cannot go on. This is so bad.

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tribpot · 30/05/2014 20:03

Well, it's relatively normal for his age. But what you absolutely must do is not give in. Yes, he will cry and tantrum, that's what toddlers do. It doesn't mean he's traumatised for life, it means he's learnt it pushes your buttons.

You can't be embarrassed, you have to say no in public (not always, choose your battles) or he will have a bloody hard time when he starts school. It's your job to say no and you do him no favours by not doing.

This too shall pass! They do get more reasonable with age :)

Georgethesecond · 30/05/2014 20:09

You MUST start saying no now. He is young enough to get used to it (as he would have been all along if you had done it from the start). It will be much harder later. So what if he screams? Why does it scare you?

diddlediddledumpling · 30/05/2014 20:11

I agree with trib.
Ar the minute, he's learning that he can embarrass you into giving him what he wants. You really don't want him to think this will always be the case, so you'll have to stick to your guns. Once you've said no, keep saying it no matter what.

Not easy, but has to be done. Good luck :)

Original poster

adrianna22 · 30/05/2014 20:14

His tantrums are really bad. He will kick, throw a fit, cry murder. People will laugh at me, or think that I'm abusing him.

But, I am going to say "NO", from now on. I mainly take him out in the morning to avoid embarrassment, as kids are at school and people are at work.

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CharlesRyder · 30/05/2014 20:16

Agree you have to start saying no and following through.

Every time you say no and then later give in he learns that if he can only push you far enough he can win. So each time you try to say no he will push you harder and harder and harder just to find your breaking point. It would be better to say yes straight away every time than to ever say no and then give in when he makes a fuss.

Brace yourself for some difficult times, but it must be done and embedded before he starts school.

heather1 · 30/05/2014 20:16

Maybe think about why you find it hard to say no. Is it because you are embarrassed about his behaviours if you say no? Or is it because you feel bad about how he feels if you say no, or something else.
Either way it's not good for him if you always say yes, and kids are so clever they know exactly what to do to get their own way.
Also by teaching him no means no now you will be helping the teachers, Tas, dinner lady's etc at school. They will have a difficult time and he will have a miserable time if he doesn't get that no means no.
You are not harming him by saying no, in fact you are helping him.

DocDaneeka · 30/05/2014 20:21

He will kick, throw a fit, cry murder. People will laugh at me, or think that I'm abusing him

They will think you have a completely normal toddler.

P.s. I secretly judge parents who give in. Parents standing up to a tornado tantrum are Not Judged :)

CharlesRyder · 30/05/2014 20:22

I came back to say to remember that he will actually love and respect you MORE and feel safer with you if you set firm boundaries. Don't worry about hurting his feelings or 'damaging' him by upsetting him.

Original poster

adrianna22 · 30/05/2014 20:38

Hi everyone, thanks for the replies!

I do feel bad when I say no to him, and I am embarrassed of his behaviours too.

But, I know I have to do this. He never acts like this with his dad as he knows he will not tolerate it.

I also don't want to be portrayed as a bad mum, because of DS behaviours.

Would distracting him help as well?

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Parietal · 30/05/2014 20:53

don't bother with distracting, just ignore the tantrum. When the child has got over it, just carry on as if it never happened.

If I'm at home or somewhere quiet and my 3 yr old starts on a tantrum, I ostentatiously get out my phone & start playing candy crush. Every few mins, I look up and say 'are you ready to put your boots on now?' or whatever the problem was. That might be considered very bad parenting but it really works!

Sometimes she likes to 'make up' a problem afterwards. So if it was a tantrum about not putting boots on, when she has calmed down she will ask for something completely different ('can I have my red hat?') as a substitute for not getting to wear her shoes. And I always agree to that, and then she'll be happy again.

Foodylicious · 30/05/2014 20:58

You need to let him know begore you go out, whrre you are going, what you are doing/not doing. And tell him that you expect no tantrums when you are out. Maybe decide on a treat for when you get home, hot chocolate or something.
then stick to it. If he tantrums pick him up rugby ball style under arm if needs be and just walk on.
Good luck!

Jaffakake · 30/05/2014 21:02

Admittedly my ds is 2 & 3/4 but I find it better to say No, but start concentrating on some thing else positive. That way it becomes a no, but you can have/do this instead.
"no, we can't see the rabbits now, but this afternoon we're going yo the park"
"no, you can't have that chocolate now, but when we get home you can have one of your presents" (tiny kinder choccys)

Then you can use the "but", always something they want as a sanction. "If you don't come with me now you won't be able to go to the park / have your present" etc.

He responds well to that. Whether I'm getting away lightly with a nice kid, or it's just his stage, but I expect psychological warfare to continue for tears!

Jaffakake · 30/05/2014 21:05

Also, the more they get used to you saying no & meaning it, the swifter these tantrums pass.

And don't feel that people judge you. I usually feel sorry & supportive to the mum (but just as long as they're sticking to their guns and not swearing at their kid )

CharlesRyder · 30/05/2014 21:16

This is a really good book about responding to children's strong emotions with empathy.

It looks a bit 'cheesy' but actually it is really good.

Original poster

adrianna22 · 30/05/2014 21:24

Thanks everyone again. This is why I love mumsnet as you guys always give good advice. My Ds does have a language delay, so that could be the problem too.

Thanks charlesryder for the recommendation of the book.

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Wincher · 30/05/2014 21:43

I always find it helps to show my DS I sympathise with him. If he starts tantrumming because he wants something I agree with him and say "oh yes, it would be lovely to have some chocolate, but I'm afraid we can't because it's too close to lunchtime/I don't have enough money/chocolate isn't very good for us" or whatever. I try to show him I understand and share his frustration, but that what I say goes.

PorridgeBrain · 31/05/2014 05:37

Foodylicious has it spot on. If you explain upfront what you will and won't be doing you can get those tantrums out of the way in the privacy of your own home. Giving him a reward to work towards at the end of shopping/activity has also been effective for us. And if he still tantrums you pick him up and take him to a corner/the car until he calms down or go home.

boringlivingroom · 31/05/2014 06:41

Have you had his hearing checked?

Also with ds I tell him beforehand it isn't a "buying day". I remind him as we approach the shops and again when we are inside. He gets upset but not too bad now.

Crocodileclip · 31/05/2014 06:53

I would think of it this way. He is four, even if he has a tantrum it is likely just to be embarassing. He doesn't really have the strength to hurt you. Now imagine a large 12 year old having the same tantrum. That is likely to lead to someone getting hurt. If you don't start saying no now then who is to say he wont still be doing the whole tantruming routine at 12. I also have a 4 year old DS and although he very rarely tantrums any more as he has got used to no being a whole sentence, when he does I concentrate (in my mind) on the fact that being told no will probably make him a nicer person in the future.

kinkymouse · 31/05/2014 07:01

I would also take him specifically to a place where you know will trigger the tantrum a couple if times over the next week so you can be prepared, like a training trip. It will feel more controlled if that's what your walking past the tube station for, to practise saying no. Then the next trip walk past macdonalds ect. One day of the week forearm him that today you are going to go on the tube/ macdonalds as a treat.

AgathaHannigan · 31/05/2014 07:04

Agree with the above, he'll soon learn and the tantrums will stop. You might want to have a think about where and when you start doing this and perhaps even create the first situation somewhere quiet and where it's easy to follow through. I for instance might take him to a local shop near home so there won't be many people there if he kicks off and you can carry him home if needs be... Might be easier than outside the underground .

odyssey2001 · 31/05/2014 08:19

I'm afraid to say you are the parent. Say no and deal with the consequences. It is your weakness that is enabling his behaviour. He will learn that no means no. At the moment, no means yes if he keeps asking. Sorry to be blunt.

odyssey2001 · 31/05/2014 08:40

p.s. (before I get bashed for not being sensitive to special needs) my son is 3.5yo, has a language delay of 12 to 18 months and understand no.

tribpot · 31/05/2014 09:00

You know what they say: what's the difference between terrorists and toddlers? You can negotiate with terrorists :)

You cannot be embarrassed, probably some people will tut and judge you but bugger them. There is a very obvious difference between a harrassed parent dealing with a rampaging toddler and someone abusing their children in public, and anyone who knows anything knows the difference. Remember, some of those people passing you in the street are also Mumsnetters!

I like the idea of some training trips.

Original poster

adrianna22 · 31/05/2014 17:20

Thanks everyone so so much!
@odyssey2001- I'm not offended by your bluntness at all .
But your right my weakness is enabling his behaviour and he does understand the word "No".

I'm definitely going to do the training trips. In fact tomorrow we are going somewhere and we have to walk past the train station. So I would most probably cry at the end of the day. But this has to be done. Better now than 12.

boring.. yes he has his hearing checked, everything is ok.
I'll definitely start telling him where we are going, so theres no mentioning of treat shops etc.

I'll let you guys know how I get on.

Thanks.

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