Smacking

[alwaysblonde]

I was smacked a lot as a child. Not a tap on the legs but pull the pants down and proper whacks. I remember my brother and I screaming blue murder. It's odd, my mum denies it was that bad yet my dad says that I was very naughty.

Issue is I'm 20 weeks and thinking about how I want to discipline. Personally I don't wish to smack due to the following.

1. I wouldn't want my DC to have the memories of being smacked that I have.

1. I think there are better ways of disciplining. None of my friends do it

However I mentioned this to my dad and he said "yeah right, dream on, you'll be on the phone crying to us that you can't control it".

What's the consensus on smacking? I think it's child abuse.

Its not it's!

I was smacked by my mother, it was very cruel, rubber soles and it was her anger and temper that frightened me

No way will I do that to my little boy. My dad never smacked, he talked

Guess who I love and respect? No brainier.

Instinctively "smacked" dd's hand away from the baby yesterday as she was poking him. I felt terrible but she seemed not to notice.

They always come up with the argument "you were smacked and you've turned out pretty good". Yes that's all very well, but that's not the only way to get well behaved and well rounded children and it's nowhere near the best way.

Urgh my stepfather is a massive advocate of smacking children. I know he will expect me to smack mine. I think its lazy and borderline abusive. I didnt respect or behave better when my mum smacked me. We have a rubbish relationship now and im sure her temper and quickness to smack me all contributed. I hope I have the control not to do it to my own.

People like your dad who advocate smacking often make out that it's the only real way to control your children, but IMO needing to physically hurt a child to get it to behave is a pretty clear indicator that you have lost control. The majority of people don't need to do that, and it sounds like your dad is deluding himself about how common smacking is because he failed to control your behaviour as a child without hitting you and your brother.

Judging from my experience, families who scream and smack each other are rarely the ones with the calm and well behaved children, quite the opposite.

I don't think smacking is always abuse. I think some forms/levels of smacking probably are, and others aren't.

What these threads never consider is that some other forms of discipline which are commonly used may also be pretty miserable for the child.

For example time out/naughty step/go to your room. This was used on me a few times as a child and I absolutely hated it. I have strong memories of feeling terribly upset by it. Whereas the times I was smacked (also pretty rare) I barely remember. I'd have preferred a smack to a "time out" any day. It all depends on what the child is like.

FWIW I was smacked (not with pants down, not with a slipper, not frequently and not as an alternative to talking/other forms of parenting but as a last resort in certain situations) and have and had a great relationship with my parents. Just to counterbalance some of the personal tales on this thread which say the opposite.

This is your child and you must bring her up as you see fit. Your parents did as they saw fit, and many parents of that era did smack their children. Yes you will have times when your child will be very naughty and you will want to tear your hair out but by smacking them it's not going to stop them being naughty. I think adults do it just to vent their own frustration and anger. You need clear boundaries and expectations so that your child knows what is acceptable. Imagine if an adult came up to you and hit you... You'd be down the police station reporting it as an assault. It's the same thing when we hit our kids. It's. Its not always easy to discipline children nowadays but personally I don't think that smacking is acceptable or necessary. Listen to your own heart and ignore your dad's advice on this one.

I was regularly smacked as a child, didn't matter where we were my mum would whack me one.

I remember getting lost in Woolies, the assistant stood me on the till and my mum came and slapped me really hard.

I'm 45 now and still remember the humiliation. I have a 6 year old, don't get me wrong, I shout but don't smack.

My friends say it doesn't harm, but clearly it does.

I don't think smacking is always abuse. I think some forms/levels of smacking probably are, and others aren't.

It is always abuse. If a man did it to his wife, then he would be called an abuser and the wife is more able to escape the abuse than a child.

So why is it ok to do it to those unable to get away from their abusers, but not ok for an adult to hit another?

It's always abuse. I don't hit my husband, my elderly mother or even my dog. Why would it be OK to hit a child?

It is possible to raise a child without punishment.

This argument doesn't hang together.

I wouldn't hit my husband or mother, no. However I also wouldn't put my husband or mother in "time out", or tell them they can't have another biscuit, or put suncream on them even if they don't want it.

Are those things abuse, simply because I wouldn't do them to an adult?

It is acceptable to discipline a child. It is not acceptable to discipline another adult. Just because a certain form of discipline wouldn't be done to an adult, doesn't make it abuse.

Are we talking about discipline or punishment? I wouldn't put a child or a husband in time out.

I think it's pretty sad that a woman is planning punishment techniques for a child that isn't even born yet.

Well said, minipie.

Hmm - I think one person's discipline is another person's punishment tbh.

If your child is, let's say, hitting another child at playgroup, so you pick them up and carry them away, is that discipline or punishment? Or neither?

If he/she keeps on hitting children, despite being told not to (and explained why, distracted etc), and you decide you have to leave the playgroup and go home, is that discipline or punishment? Or neither?

If your child won't eat their dinner, and so you don't give them pudding, is that discipline or punishment? Or neither?

I suspect from the child's point of view all of these seem like punishment, from the parent's point of view all seem like discipline.

beatingwings if you don't smack, don't use time out, don't use anything you'd call "punishment" then what DO you do when your child does something clearly destructive or violent etc? And keeps doing it despite being asked/told not to and distracted?

Or do you have one of those mythical children that always listens to reason?

If my sister started hitting my friend I would try to pull her away from the situation - that is neither discipline nor punishment.

Withholding pudding for not eating dinner is just poor parenting.

Right, right, but what if she kept going back and kept hitting?

minipie if I thought you were genuinely interested I would be happy to discuss. If you are looking to barb and point score as was indicated by your comment
"Or do you have one of those mythical children that always listens to reason?"

then I won't waste our time.

I agree with minipie. I think the word 'abuse' is overused. That said, I think people have a different perception of what they might say a 'smack' is.

It's probably a generational thing though. I suspect there are quite a few people who are perfectly capable of using a 'smack' occasionally without it being abuse, but you won't find many of them posting on here as it's one of those things people aren't allowed to discuss rationally.

I am genuinely interested.

I have seen quite a few posts on MN from time to time by parents who practice UP, or say they never discipline or never punish (the descriptions vary).

But I've never seen one of those parents say what they do when they try the gentle approach (like pulling the child away from the situation) - which surely is what any parent would try as the first step - and that still doesn't work.

I would really like to know what you do when you've tried all the gentler methods and they fail, and your child is still doing the violent/dangerous/destructive activity.

It's not like I want to punish/discipline my child . If you have a secret to avoiding having to do that, please share!

Dangerous or destructive activity is in the hands of the parents. It's up to us to make sure a child's environment is a safe one with no pens/scissors etc to detroy and certain behaviours directed. Explanations of appropriateness and natural consequences follow such events of destruction.

Violent I can't speak for. I have two AP raised (mythical) children who have never been violent.

No punishment sits easily on the back of AP. Modelling respect - from babyhood ultimately makes for respectful children.

Ok that all makes sense but it has its limits, surely.

Can I give an example? What do you do if you take your child to a friend's house (who also has a child). both children are colouring. Your child grabs the other child's colouring book and other child starts to cry. What do you do?

If your answer is "tell them to give it back and explain why" then my question is "and what if that doesn't work". If your answer is "take away the colouring book" then isn't that a form of punishment or discipline? if your answer is "let them have the other child's colouring book" then how do they learn?

Is there another option I have missed? or do your children literally never misbehave?