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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

four year old, severe language delay, bad tantrums. I cannot take it anymore!

37 replies

adrianna22 · 18/05/2014 14:07

My DS, who's four, has a severe language delay, plus has an autism diagnosis, which is still being debated about.

He has these bad tantrums, simply because he does not get what he wants.

Like today, we walked past the park and he pointed to play on some car driving toy. I told him "..not today as we are in a hurry..". He then tried to take me to that direction, but I still held firm and before I knew it..that annoying high pitched crying voice started. He cried, carefully positioned himself on the floor and then began to kick his legs in the air, wailing. People looking at me, wondering if I'm abusing him in any way. The way he cries is terrible, like the earth has ended, he has this bad high-pitched crying voice, which you can hear from the other side of the road.

When we got home, he started to cry again as I was ignoring him and he literally pulled my eyes towards his and cry till I give him a big or something.

He is literally like this every time he does not get what he wants. I just don't get it. I thought it must be some routine issue, because of the autism. But then I realised that it can't be as he does not get upset by routine changes and surely, is it a routine problem if a child does not get what he/she wants?

He would cry in the supermarket if I do not buy him treats, he would cry in the toy store if I don't buy that special toy, he would cry if I do not take him nandos as he loves the kids meal. It's like every time I treat him to the things he loves the most, he expects to have it every time we go there. Plus the way he reacts is not subtle, it's really really bad.

I'm just at my wits end. I feel like I cannot take him out anywhere, simply because if he spots that favourite shop that sell those yummy ice-creams he would cry. I should be able to enjoy outings with my DS, but I feel like I can't. What can I do? Is my DS spoilt? is it my fault? Why is he behaving like this?

OP posts:

3littlefrogs · 18/05/2014 14:09

It sounds as if his crying is due to frustration at not being able to communicate.
What help is he getting for his speech and language delay?
Are you both learning to sign?

Original poster

adrianna22 · 18/05/2014 14:12

Forgot to add, I feel he likes he manipulates me by these tantrums. i.e. Him and his friend were playing this game. Whoever, could catch the ball was the winner, my DS's friend is faster than my DS, so he always got the ball. My DS knows this, so all of a sudden, my DS went to the floor (tantrum style) and began wailing, I thought he was genuinely upset. Till as soon as he friend stopped and looked at my DS, holding the ball ever so slightly, like he was going to drop it. My DS quickly got up, laughed and took the ball out from his reach and then the game continued.

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Original poster

adrianna22 · 18/05/2014 14:14

Thanks for replying 3littlefrogs so it's not because you think he is being spoilt? My son can communicate, he uses his own made-up gestures, but I guess it is not enough as he needs the words to express his anger. He is getting speech therapy at the moment.

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3littlefrogs · 18/05/2014 14:17

From what you say I think you need to work very closely with his speech therapist so that you can reinforce everything that your Ds is learning.

Make sure you know what you should be doing with him between sessions.

You will get some useful advice on the special needs boards here.

Original poster

adrianna22 · 18/05/2014 14:19

But, he will not act like this around strangers, strict family members.

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Original poster

adrianna22 · 18/05/2014 14:20

Thanks 3littlefrogs.

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GoogleyEyes · 18/05/2014 14:22

Does explaining that you know he really wants the sweetie / toy, that you understand he's really cross etc help? If he knows you understand it might deal with the language frustration, and just leave you with the underlying issue. This worked for mine as toddlers.

strawberryshoes · 18/05/2014 14:30

I don't know if I would say he was spoilt, autism is a developmental delay, so he might still be pushing boundaries and testing you with tantrums, as well as having communication issues. You should stand firm with your decisions, either to treat him or not depending on the situation, and as little frogs said, work with his SALT and join the special needs boards here, they are very knowledgable

Original poster

adrianna22 · 18/05/2014 14:33

Thanks, I'll post on the special needs board too. Thanks for your help.

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YeGodsAndLittleFishes · 18/05/2014 14:44

How are you sleeping, and how are you feeling in yourself? (Sometimes parents can feel the things you describe because of lack of sleep and depression etc. aspecially with a child with SN where the 'normal' rules of parenting don't necessarily apply.)

In terms of routine and treating your DS it might be easier for you to try to establish a routine when shopping which can be maintained. No problem with him having something to eat while shopping but having an ice cream or chocolate every time is going to do him harm in the long run. Perhaps a bread roll, or some fruit or carrot/celery sticks might work. Maybe orange food for sainsbury's and green for Asda might work for him as a kind of game, and a small treat after all the shopping is put away tidily as another routine. If you reward for something completed it might help him to see a pattern.

I don't know if that's helpful, and agree if you post on the SN boards you might get more relevant help.

LairyPoppins · 18/05/2014 14:48

I think the autism plays a really big part in this. He has rules in his head, routines that he feels (though he couldn't articulate it) keep him safe.
At some point, he has decided that part of the trip today would include the park toy visit. When you said this wasn't going to happen, it shattered his plan. As far as he was concerned, it HAD to happen.

Something that might really help is to use PECS or something similar to show him what is going to happen. PECS are pictures that he can use to ask for things, you can also put them up on a velcro strip to say what is going to happen, for example: Breakfast, get dressed, play with Lego, go shopping, have a treat, go to the park, come home.

The best of luck and I hope you get some RL help soon too.

MerryMarigold · 18/05/2014 14:51

if you never give in to the tantrum, you can't blame yourself. If you have even occasionally said, ok, just to stop the tantrum then it is time to stop that. The tantrums will end at some point. My dd was bad from 1-4.5 with screaming tantrums, but it's fine now. She just grew up.

Original poster

adrianna22 · 18/05/2014 14:58

@lairypoppins* even though we have never been to that park before? But it wasn't the park, it was the toy car he wanted to play with. Hmm so I guess that he HAD to have the ice-cream or that he HAD to have the toy, because it shattered his plan? Is that what you mean?

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Original poster

adrianna22 · 18/05/2014 15:04

Maybe it is a routine issue? But it still does not make sense; He has no issues with change in his routine, or taking new directions, moving schools, etc..it's just when he spots that McDonalds or sees that ice-cream or crisps he wants to have it, but I doubt that it makes him feel safe. I can get how in terms of routes, but to things..I'm not so sure.

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LairyPoppins · 18/05/2014 15:09

Not saying he HAD to have it (i.e. that you were wrong), but that in his head, the way he thinks things should go is that way they should go. Toddler tantrums and autistic inflexibility of thinking are quite similar - and can look quite similar.

Some autistic children that I know can seem to cope well with change, but their anxiety is expressed in violence or difficult behaviour at home, even though the child seems to be OK at home.

Or maybe he IS just pushing the boundaries because he is 4 and frustrated.

LairyPoppins · 18/05/2014 15:11

Sorry, should say "seems to be OK at school"

creamandsugar · 18/05/2014 15:19

It sounds like pretty normal behaviour for any 4 year old who wants something they can't have. Really don't think autism or even speech delay have anything to do with it. Just sounds like a temper tantrum. My 4 yr old has no speech delay or autism but when she doesn't get what she wants she can throw a full temper tantrum, screaming,kicking even biting!

NiceCupOfTeaAndASitDown · 18/05/2014 15:21

I agree with pp the special needs board is great. I suspect DS is on the spectrum and have found this page very helpful with information on why children meltdown when things don't go their way. I can now recognise (sometimes) when DS has made a plan in his head and it hasn't happened. I view the 'tantrum' as an extreme disappointment and react with cuddles and empathy wherever possible. I don't think your DS is spoilt. I think he's struggling with feelings that get way out of control when he has 'decided' on something in his mind, because he lacks the theory of mind/social imagination to consider it may not go to plan

Original poster

adrianna22 · 18/05/2014 15:24

Thanks for explaining LairyPoppins. It could be a mix of both, but I need to sort it out either way.

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Original poster

adrianna22 · 18/05/2014 15:42

@ NicecupofTea, I understand, but I'm not so sure. Ok, every tuesday DS goes nursery, he has it in his mind that he is going nursery, but then I change my direction as we are going to the dentist.. DS does not mind. Or when we sleepover at someones house, he does not mind. It's just the, If I don't get what I want, I'll cry till I get it sort of attitude. Oh, I don't know.

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Original poster

adrianna22 · 18/05/2014 15:53

Forgot to add Nicecupoftea Isn't the social imagination/theory of mind a collective thing rather than a specific thing. My DS has a wide set of interests, has no obsessions, has good imaginative play and plays with cars how they are intended, which all comes down to social imagination, but in terms with not getting what you want, I still do not understand.

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MrsWinnibago · 18/05/2014 15:57

Is his understanding ok? Could it be that he isn't comprehending ALL language and so when you explain, he still doesn't get it? That could well cause a massive tantrum.

MrsWinnibago · 18/05/2014 15:57

To expand...is his "receptive language" all it should be? Has his speech therapist mentioned that at all?

Original poster

adrianna22 · 18/05/2014 16:10

He understands the word "No", but in terms of explaining, he does not understand. He understands more than he can speak, but his understanding is still delayed

OP posts:

MrsWinnibago · 18/05/2014 16:15

Poor you and poor him then....that's the main problem it would seem. His understanding isn'tgood enough as of yet to grasp the reasons...have you looked at learning Makaton?

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